I sometimes think about what exactly it means to grow up or even to just be a grown up.
I think about this in particular when I think about the last 6 years since graduating from High School. I think about my classmates in comparison to myself.
I mean I really haven't changed all that much since high school. At least I feel I haven't changed much. I mean I have but at the same time I feel like I haven't much.
I've pretty much explained what my original college goals were and what they actually were. Unlike, most of my classmates, I stayed in town and attended the community branch college for a couple of years before moving away to a bigger university; Oklahoma State University.
Also unlike many of my classmates, I've continued on past my Bachelor's degree and am nearly finished with my Master's degree. I'm also not married yet nor do I have any children.
I feel like I'm grown up but yet not really. I mean I don't really act like I am. I still have a childlike quality about me that I love. That's what makes me appeal to children. That's why children (and my nephew) love me. Because while I may be a grown up, I still know how to play.
Yet I can't help but think if I'm grown up enough. I mean does not being married or having children right now give me an advantage over some of my classmates? In other words does it make me more grown up or less? Because I chose to get my career going first before ever thinking about marriage or children.
I feel in a way that perhaps I'm just as grown up as some of my classmates that are married and have children. Maybe more so. I mean I realize that it's a different responsibility being married and having children. In a way you have to be more grown up.
But yet, I have been through perhaps more than some of my classmates. Many of my classmates that are married or have children only moved about an hour away from here. Some are now further away but still in state. Yet, still some are out of state like me.
That's part of the thing that separates me from many of my classmates. I moved out-of-state for college after staying in town for a couple of years. Many of my classmates moved to the state university in Las Cruces the Fall semester right after graduating from high school and were there for at least 4 years. I rarely saw or spoke to many of my classmates after they moved away. Many of them stayed in contact with each other since they were at the same university.
Everything just changed. I did have a few classmates in some of my community college classes but none of them were really my "friends". Then I moved away after a couple of years and pretty much had to start over.
Moving to Oklahoma and away from pretty much everything I ever knew was hard. My classes were tough too and I had a nervous breakdown. Then the chaos happened and things were rough for me again. Then I moved again from Oklahoma to Texas. I had finally become comfortable somewhere and had to adjust to everything new again. I'm still adjusting. Things are still rough for me.
I've been in therapy to help me deal with some of the things I've gone through. It hasn't been easy. So perhaps maybe I've grown up in ways that my classmates haven't.
I've been through things that they will never understand or deal with. But does that make me more grown up than them? Or simply just grown up in different ways?
I mean I feel grown up but only just. I look at some of my classmates now and they look much more grown up than I do. I wonder if they think the same when they look at me. I don't think so. I mean, some of them just look different than they did in high school or even middle school. Me? I pretty much look the same. My hairstyle is a little different, my teeth are straighter (thanks to my braces in high school), and my glasses are different. But my basic style is still the same. I may be a little bit heavier than I was but then again I may not be. The thing is that I really don't look a whole lot different than I did. I don't really even dress much different than I did back in high school.
I guess I just want to know what being a grown up really means and if I could be considered grown up. Does being married or having children automatically make you more grown up than someone who's waited and focused on getting their career going first? I don't think it does and perhaps that is proof enough that I am grown up.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Thoughts on something
Ok so I'm probably going to get a lot of people hating me after they read this post but this is how I feel about this particular thing and I hope you can understand where I'm coming from.
So several months ago, an article came out online regarding a YouTube Musician. This musician allegedly sent pornographic photos of himself to underage fans. The musician hasn't been officially charged even now. In fact the whole issue has pretty much come and gone. It's not really big news anymore.
Sure there are a few people here and there that still remember it and still want to know what's going on but since no new information has popped up, mostly it's forgotten.
When the news first came, I didn't say much about it mostly because my thoughts were conflicting and still are. Plus others basically said what needed to be said. I said some things regarding the nerdfighter community but that's all I said.
Even now I'm still afraid of saying what I really want to say because I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I've read some of the tagged posts under Tumblr and feel guilty for feeling the way I do. It's truly complicated how I feel about the situation.
I just want to go ahead and apologize right now for what I'm about to say. I'm sorry for offending anyone and please don't hate me. I'm really not a horrible person despite what I might say.
Regarding the situation: there are always 2 sides to every story. One side so much more at fault than the other but still.Nobody truly knows what happened. All we know is from what the article reported and what some people are saying.
I'm not trying to "victim-blame" especially because I've been in a situation where I was manipulated (See post BEDA Day 24: The Full Story). I'm much older but still I've felt victimized. I feel guilty over the situation. I blame myself. I'm still trying to deal with emotions and such. While admittedly, my situation isn't like this one, I still feel as though I can relate.
However, I still can't help but feel that the victims aren't completely innocent. (*cue hate mail*). They let it happen.Yes, the Musician is an Adult and he was wrong for taking advantage of his status and manipulating his female fans. Being an Adult puts you in a position of responsibility. You are supposed to know what's right and wrong. He should never have overstepped that line. He abused his popularity. He was the one who knew it was inappropriate and still went ahead and did it anyway. Yes he is the one to blame more.
Yet at the same time, I can't help but feel that the victims didn't have to comply with his demands . Yes, I realize that he made you feel special and wanted. You were/are a teenager. I remember how that was. I was a nerdy teenager. I was naive (in fact I still am somewhat) and had low self-esteem. Again, going back to my particular situation, I can picture how it felt. You felt essentially safe; wanted. He made you feel comfortable so you did whatever he asked.
However, it's still the Internet and I want to emphasize that fact. The Internet is a normal thing nowadays. Kids born now and some of the younger ones already in elementary school will never know what it was like before the Internet. I'm not that old (I'm only 24) and I remember when the Internet was still brand new. Things were a lot different for me when I was kid. Computers were still fairly new and so was the Internet. We had dial-up at my parent's house for years!! Even after many people had switched to DSL, we still had dial-up.
Things have come a long way by now. Yet still, there are safety issues when it comes to the Internet. You never really know a person you meet online. You still have to be leery about people you meet online. No matter how nice the person might seem. There's always a risk to meeting someone you met online in person. I remember being extremely nervous about meeting Hank and John Green in person. They seemed nice online but I was still leery about them in person. People aren't always what they seem. Even my parents were still concerned about me traveling to meet someone I only know from the Internet and I was legally an adult!! There's still that thing about a person being from the Internet that holds a certain weariness about them.
We've seen the horror stories about people seeming nice online and then being essentially creepers or really bad people. We know that not everyone on the Internet is good. Even just getting to know my nerdfighter friends that I have now, I was leery about them for the longest time. We'd only ever communicated through the Internet. We only met a couple times in person. We didn't really know each other. We didn't know if they were as nice as they seemed online. But eventually something inside all of us, confirmed that we were truly nice people. Yet still a part of me is a tiny bit reserved and I'm sure it's the same with them. However the longer we've known each other, the more I feel comfortable with them.
However, if one of my friends suddenly starting sending me pornographic pictures and asked me to send some of me to them, I wouldn't and would promptly stop being friends with them despite what they were like before. This is different than when you are a teenager, I realize but yet even when I was 14/15/16/etc. I would never have sent naked pictures of myself to anyone. NEVER. No matter who the person was or how famous they were. If I was chatting with someone and they suddenly asked me to do things I wasn't comfortable with or starting sharing naked pictures of themselves with me, I would have been too shocked and embarrassed that I'm pretty sure I would've ended the conversation right away.
Granted, I may never have told my parents about what had happened. However, I know I would have been leery about that person or anyone else I was talking to online from that point on. Even if the person seemed nice. Even if I met them many times in person and they seemed genuine. I still know I'd feel awkward and ashamed for what they did and for what I was subjected to. I would blame myself.
I realize that meeting people from the Internet is becoming so common that we tend to neglect the fact that such people are still from the Internet and may not be who they say they are. I guess that's why I guess I don't understand why someone would send naked pictures of themselves to someone or even subject themselves to someone doing that to them.
But then again I guess I can also see how it happened considering I myself was manipulated in some way. Yet, I have to wonder if those girls felt shame or guilt sending the pictures (if they did) or even viewing the pictures. I felt guilty and shamed for what my neighbor did to me and I didn't do anything wrong other than be neighborly. Yet still, I'm dealing with the aftereffects and I'm trying to accept that it's not my fault.
I agree that victim-blaming is wrong. It's not their fault. They were taken advantage of by someone they trusted. An ADULT who knew what they were doing was wrong and yet did it anyway. They didn't know better because they were minors. An adult should be responsible enough to know when they are crossing the line. It's never going to be ok.
I realize I'm contradicting myself at times. As I have said, my thoughts are complicated regarding this situation even now. This is why until now I've neglected to really say anything. But I feel that enough time has passed and I can finally speak up about how I really feel.
I realize that some of the things I said might result in me getting hate mail. I'm just expressing my thoughts and how I feel regarding this situation even though several months have passed. I can only hope that you can understand where I'm coming from.
So several months ago, an article came out online regarding a YouTube Musician. This musician allegedly sent pornographic photos of himself to underage fans. The musician hasn't been officially charged even now. In fact the whole issue has pretty much come and gone. It's not really big news anymore.
Sure there are a few people here and there that still remember it and still want to know what's going on but since no new information has popped up, mostly it's forgotten.
When the news first came, I didn't say much about it mostly because my thoughts were conflicting and still are. Plus others basically said what needed to be said. I said some things regarding the nerdfighter community but that's all I said.
Even now I'm still afraid of saying what I really want to say because I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I've read some of the tagged posts under Tumblr and feel guilty for feeling the way I do. It's truly complicated how I feel about the situation.
I just want to go ahead and apologize right now for what I'm about to say. I'm sorry for offending anyone and please don't hate me. I'm really not a horrible person despite what I might say.
Regarding the situation: there are always 2 sides to every story. One side so much more at fault than the other but still.Nobody truly knows what happened. All we know is from what the article reported and what some people are saying.
I'm not trying to "victim-blame" especially because I've been in a situation where I was manipulated (See post BEDA Day 24: The Full Story). I'm much older but still I've felt victimized. I feel guilty over the situation. I blame myself. I'm still trying to deal with emotions and such. While admittedly, my situation isn't like this one, I still feel as though I can relate.
However, I still can't help but feel that the victims aren't completely innocent. (*cue hate mail*). They let it happen.Yes, the Musician is an Adult and he was wrong for taking advantage of his status and manipulating his female fans. Being an Adult puts you in a position of responsibility. You are supposed to know what's right and wrong. He should never have overstepped that line. He abused his popularity. He was the one who knew it was inappropriate and still went ahead and did it anyway. Yes he is the one to blame more.
Yet at the same time, I can't help but feel that the victims didn't have to comply with his demands . Yes, I realize that he made you feel special and wanted. You were/are a teenager. I remember how that was. I was a nerdy teenager. I was naive (in fact I still am somewhat) and had low self-esteem. Again, going back to my particular situation, I can picture how it felt. You felt essentially safe; wanted. He made you feel comfortable so you did whatever he asked.
However, it's still the Internet and I want to emphasize that fact. The Internet is a normal thing nowadays. Kids born now and some of the younger ones already in elementary school will never know what it was like before the Internet. I'm not that old (I'm only 24) and I remember when the Internet was still brand new. Things were a lot different for me when I was kid. Computers were still fairly new and so was the Internet. We had dial-up at my parent's house for years!! Even after many people had switched to DSL, we still had dial-up.
Things have come a long way by now. Yet still, there are safety issues when it comes to the Internet. You never really know a person you meet online. You still have to be leery about people you meet online. No matter how nice the person might seem. There's always a risk to meeting someone you met online in person. I remember being extremely nervous about meeting Hank and John Green in person. They seemed nice online but I was still leery about them in person. People aren't always what they seem. Even my parents were still concerned about me traveling to meet someone I only know from the Internet and I was legally an adult!! There's still that thing about a person being from the Internet that holds a certain weariness about them.
We've seen the horror stories about people seeming nice online and then being essentially creepers or really bad people. We know that not everyone on the Internet is good. Even just getting to know my nerdfighter friends that I have now, I was leery about them for the longest time. We'd only ever communicated through the Internet. We only met a couple times in person. We didn't really know each other. We didn't know if they were as nice as they seemed online. But eventually something inside all of us, confirmed that we were truly nice people. Yet still a part of me is a tiny bit reserved and I'm sure it's the same with them. However the longer we've known each other, the more I feel comfortable with them.
However, if one of my friends suddenly starting sending me pornographic pictures and asked me to send some of me to them, I wouldn't and would promptly stop being friends with them despite what they were like before. This is different than when you are a teenager, I realize but yet even when I was 14/15/16/etc. I would never have sent naked pictures of myself to anyone. NEVER. No matter who the person was or how famous they were. If I was chatting with someone and they suddenly asked me to do things I wasn't comfortable with or starting sharing naked pictures of themselves with me, I would have been too shocked and embarrassed that I'm pretty sure I would've ended the conversation right away.
Granted, I may never have told my parents about what had happened. However, I know I would have been leery about that person or anyone else I was talking to online from that point on. Even if the person seemed nice. Even if I met them many times in person and they seemed genuine. I still know I'd feel awkward and ashamed for what they did and for what I was subjected to. I would blame myself.
I realize that meeting people from the Internet is becoming so common that we tend to neglect the fact that such people are still from the Internet and may not be who they say they are. I guess that's why I guess I don't understand why someone would send naked pictures of themselves to someone or even subject themselves to someone doing that to them.
But then again I guess I can also see how it happened considering I myself was manipulated in some way. Yet, I have to wonder if those girls felt shame or guilt sending the pictures (if they did) or even viewing the pictures. I felt guilty and shamed for what my neighbor did to me and I didn't do anything wrong other than be neighborly. Yet still, I'm dealing with the aftereffects and I'm trying to accept that it's not my fault.
I agree that victim-blaming is wrong. It's not their fault. They were taken advantage of by someone they trusted. An ADULT who knew what they were doing was wrong and yet did it anyway. They didn't know better because they were minors. An adult should be responsible enough to know when they are crossing the line. It's never going to be ok.
I realize I'm contradicting myself at times. As I have said, my thoughts are complicated regarding this situation even now. This is why until now I've neglected to really say anything. But I feel that enough time has passed and I can finally speak up about how I really feel.
I realize that some of the things I said might result in me getting hate mail. I'm just expressing my thoughts and how I feel regarding this situation even though several months have passed. I can only hope that you can understand where I'm coming from.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Pre Eye Surgery emotions and thoughts
I'm scheduled to have eye surgery on Tuesday and I'm already getting nervous about it.
It''ll barely be 1 month since I had my appendectomy. It fact the next day, at my post-op appointment, it will be exactly 1 month since.
I didn't really have much time to think about my last surgery. After all it was an emergency and I was both in too much pain and feeling too sick to worry much about it. It was over before I really knew it.
This time is different however. I've been preparing for this surgery for almost a year now. I was originally schedule to have the surgery over Winter Break but it didn't happen since there wasn't enough time. I needed to be seen 2 weeks after the surgery and because of the holidays, it just wasn't possible. So now it's finally happening.
I went in yesterday for my pre-op appointment. They took a few measurements and such and also put some special prisms on my glasses. These prisms are supposed to simulate how my eyes will be like after surgery. Basically my doctor wanted to see how my brain will react to the surgery and this gives him some idea. The prisms seem to help with focusing. I'm not having nearly as much trouble focusing on things.
Before they had put the prisms on my glasses, they had done a test involving depth perception and I failed it. I felt a bit bad at first but it made them realize that my eyes really weren't focusing like they should be. After they mounted the prisms on my glasses, they ran the same test again and I was able to do the test. In other words, I was able to pass because I was using both of my eyes together.
The whole prism thing is to try and trick my brain into thinking it's basically already had the surgery. Get it to focus my eyes properly again. My eye doctor wanted to see me again today just to see how I was reacting to the prisms. So that's where we went again today. He ran some more tests and liked how I was reacting. At one point, he told me I was looking straight which is definitely a positive sign. Again this is all with the prisms on my glasses.
I really can't see clearly. In fact, much of everything is fuzzy and hazy. It's not clear. But they did tell me that it was normal so that's good. I am further reassured that I'm focusing properly again because on the trip over I was able to watch the road and it didn't shift back and forth like it normally would. I'm not having to close my left eye in order to focus. Nor am I having to put my palm between my eyes in order to focus.
I'm going to continue wearing the prisms on my glasses throughout the weekend until the surgery which after that, they'll remove the prisms on my glasses. These mounted ones at least. There's a possibility I may have to have a slight prism put into my lenses to help further correct my eyes.
I also received my instructions for surgery yesterday. I begin taking eye drops 4 times a day on Monday and then after surgery, I'll start taking an antibiotic twice a day for 7 days.
I also won't be able to eat anything after midnight until after the surgery. Other things I won't be able to do are bend or lift anything heavy or go swimming for about a week! Technically, I've already been restricted since my appendectomy so none of this is very new. I basically fasted prior to my appendectomy. The last thing given to me was medicine with a little bit of water around probably
1:30 AM that morning. My surgery was around 9:30 then. I've already not been able to do much at least for the 2 weeks since.
Really I've only been lifting a bit more and driving since last week. The reason for that was Phoenix Comicon. Still no swimming though. So basically I really only have had a 2 week window in which I've been able to do a little bit more. Granted I'm still recovering a bit from my appendectomy but the 2 week window has passed where I no longer have to worry so much about my stitches so much.
I didn't expect to be having 2 surgeries less than a month apart but here I am. One was expected but the other was unexpected. I'm basically getting all fixed up this summer!
I'm probably not as nervous as I could be. I'm nervous but I know the end result will help me in the end. Hopefully I'll be back to seeing normal again. Well, as normal as I can be.
There is one thing about surgery that makes me really anxious though. After the surgery, I'll be basically blind for a day because I'll have eye patches on both eyes. I won't be able to really see at all. Not until the next day when I go in for my post-op. I'll basically be helpless and at the mercy of my parents to help me.
I realize this isn't a big deal. Especially since it's only temporarily and for others it's not. But it does frighten me a bit. To basically put my trust in others. To know that I'll have to depend on my other senses for a little while. To not be able to see what exactly is going on around me.
Just knowing that I'm going to basically be sightless if even only for a day seems to make me more appreciative for things I think.
I'm praying everything will go well and I feel pretty confident it will. My eye doctor said a prayer with my mom and I today for a successful surgery which was very nice. I'm grateful for this.
I ask everyone to send their prayers please. Wish me luck on Tuesday.
*I plan to do a write up later along with some other write-ups that I still need to finish up*
It''ll barely be 1 month since I had my appendectomy. It fact the next day, at my post-op appointment, it will be exactly 1 month since.
I didn't really have much time to think about my last surgery. After all it was an emergency and I was both in too much pain and feeling too sick to worry much about it. It was over before I really knew it.
This time is different however. I've been preparing for this surgery for almost a year now. I was originally schedule to have the surgery over Winter Break but it didn't happen since there wasn't enough time. I needed to be seen 2 weeks after the surgery and because of the holidays, it just wasn't possible. So now it's finally happening.
I went in yesterday for my pre-op appointment. They took a few measurements and such and also put some special prisms on my glasses. These prisms are supposed to simulate how my eyes will be like after surgery. Basically my doctor wanted to see how my brain will react to the surgery and this gives him some idea. The prisms seem to help with focusing. I'm not having nearly as much trouble focusing on things.
Before they had put the prisms on my glasses, they had done a test involving depth perception and I failed it. I felt a bit bad at first but it made them realize that my eyes really weren't focusing like they should be. After they mounted the prisms on my glasses, they ran the same test again and I was able to do the test. In other words, I was able to pass because I was using both of my eyes together.
The whole prism thing is to try and trick my brain into thinking it's basically already had the surgery. Get it to focus my eyes properly again. My eye doctor wanted to see me again today just to see how I was reacting to the prisms. So that's where we went again today. He ran some more tests and liked how I was reacting. At one point, he told me I was looking straight which is definitely a positive sign. Again this is all with the prisms on my glasses.
I really can't see clearly. In fact, much of everything is fuzzy and hazy. It's not clear. But they did tell me that it was normal so that's good. I am further reassured that I'm focusing properly again because on the trip over I was able to watch the road and it didn't shift back and forth like it normally would. I'm not having to close my left eye in order to focus. Nor am I having to put my palm between my eyes in order to focus.
I'm going to continue wearing the prisms on my glasses throughout the weekend until the surgery which after that, they'll remove the prisms on my glasses. These mounted ones at least. There's a possibility I may have to have a slight prism put into my lenses to help further correct my eyes.
I also received my instructions for surgery yesterday. I begin taking eye drops 4 times a day on Monday and then after surgery, I'll start taking an antibiotic twice a day for 7 days.
I also won't be able to eat anything after midnight until after the surgery. Other things I won't be able to do are bend or lift anything heavy or go swimming for about a week! Technically, I've already been restricted since my appendectomy so none of this is very new. I basically fasted prior to my appendectomy. The last thing given to me was medicine with a little bit of water around probably
1:30 AM that morning. My surgery was around 9:30 then. I've already not been able to do much at least for the 2 weeks since.
Really I've only been lifting a bit more and driving since last week. The reason for that was Phoenix Comicon. Still no swimming though. So basically I really only have had a 2 week window in which I've been able to do a little bit more. Granted I'm still recovering a bit from my appendectomy but the 2 week window has passed where I no longer have to worry so much about my stitches so much.
I didn't expect to be having 2 surgeries less than a month apart but here I am. One was expected but the other was unexpected. I'm basically getting all fixed up this summer!
I'm probably not as nervous as I could be. I'm nervous but I know the end result will help me in the end. Hopefully I'll be back to seeing normal again. Well, as normal as I can be.
There is one thing about surgery that makes me really anxious though. After the surgery, I'll be basically blind for a day because I'll have eye patches on both eyes. I won't be able to really see at all. Not until the next day when I go in for my post-op. I'll basically be helpless and at the mercy of my parents to help me.
I realize this isn't a big deal. Especially since it's only temporarily and for others it's not. But it does frighten me a bit. To basically put my trust in others. To know that I'll have to depend on my other senses for a little while. To not be able to see what exactly is going on around me.
Just knowing that I'm going to basically be sightless if even only for a day seems to make me more appreciative for things I think.
I'm praying everything will go well and I feel pretty confident it will. My eye doctor said a prayer with my mom and I today for a successful surgery which was very nice. I'm grateful for this.
I ask everyone to send their prayers please. Wish me luck on Tuesday.
*I plan to do a write up later along with some other write-ups that I still need to finish up*
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
One note. one step, one day at a time
I mentioned how in my last therapy session of the semester, my therapist said that things will change slowly. That I just have to take things one day at a time. Change is slow and difficult but you just have to keep going.
I seem to have taken that advice and applied it to other things in my life. Or so it seems that way.
For instance, I've noticed recently that I've applied it to my coursework. Particularly for my cataloging class. I've had some rough assignments that have been frustrating behind belief. The good thing is that at least this semester, I've understood more of what's going on in my cataloging class than I did in my School Library one.
Of course, I was dealing with a lot at the same time I was taking my School Library course that added to my frustration level I'm sure. I'm sure that the fact I've been in therapy this semester has helped with my frustration for this semester.
However, I'm also only took this course in addition to my Practicum. Last semester I had 2 more classes to deal with in addition to my school library class.
Anyways, I've noticed that at least with the last couple of big assignments, I've taken the "one step at a time" thing to heart. Because I'm a musician I like the term "one note at a time". It makes me relate things to learning a new song. Regardless though, I've applied such advice to my assignments.
Take my Final Project. It's quite involved and requires that I apply everything I learned over the course of the semester. I have to take 3 books and create records in MARC coding and everything. I even have to create a call number for Library of Congress Classification for each of the books.
I've managed to do well on the two exams that have involved such things. For instance, in our Midterm Exam, it focused on MARC coding. I ended up with a 97 out of 100. For the Subject Cataloging Exam, it involved a little bit of MARC coding but mostly Library of Congress Classification and stuff like Subject Headings. I even had to come up with a LCC call number for each of the 6 items. It was tricky but I ended up with a grade of 119 out of 100 because I attempted all 6 items and got some extra credit. We only had to do 5 of the 6 items.
Although my assessments haven't been perfect either, I seem to have a bit of understanding of what's going on. At least enough to be getting reasonably decent grades.
What I've been doing is going back through each lesson and creating the MARC subfield that was discussed in each lesson. I'm doing this for each of the 3 items I've been given. I'm doing it on paper because for this final project we actually have to use a different program. I think it'll be easier if I do it myself first before putting it into the program. Plus it helps me to keep track and organized.
I'm just taking things one lesson at a time and it's working for me. Less stressful it seems. Yet I don't know why I've never really done this before. Has something changed for me? Has therapy helped me do this?
It seems to have happened a few times by now. I just seem to being doing more of it.Taking things a step at a time; one day at a time.
That's really all I can do. I can only hope it continues.
I seem to have taken that advice and applied it to other things in my life. Or so it seems that way.
For instance, I've noticed recently that I've applied it to my coursework. Particularly for my cataloging class. I've had some rough assignments that have been frustrating behind belief. The good thing is that at least this semester, I've understood more of what's going on in my cataloging class than I did in my School Library one.
Of course, I was dealing with a lot at the same time I was taking my School Library course that added to my frustration level I'm sure. I'm sure that the fact I've been in therapy this semester has helped with my frustration for this semester.
However, I'm also only took this course in addition to my Practicum. Last semester I had 2 more classes to deal with in addition to my school library class.
Anyways, I've noticed that at least with the last couple of big assignments, I've taken the "one step at a time" thing to heart. Because I'm a musician I like the term "one note at a time". It makes me relate things to learning a new song. Regardless though, I've applied such advice to my assignments.
Take my Final Project. It's quite involved and requires that I apply everything I learned over the course of the semester. I have to take 3 books and create records in MARC coding and everything. I even have to create a call number for Library of Congress Classification for each of the books.
I've managed to do well on the two exams that have involved such things. For instance, in our Midterm Exam, it focused on MARC coding. I ended up with a 97 out of 100. For the Subject Cataloging Exam, it involved a little bit of MARC coding but mostly Library of Congress Classification and stuff like Subject Headings. I even had to come up with a LCC call number for each of the 6 items. It was tricky but I ended up with a grade of 119 out of 100 because I attempted all 6 items and got some extra credit. We only had to do 5 of the 6 items.
Although my assessments haven't been perfect either, I seem to have a bit of understanding of what's going on. At least enough to be getting reasonably decent grades.
What I've been doing is going back through each lesson and creating the MARC subfield that was discussed in each lesson. I'm doing this for each of the 3 items I've been given. I'm doing it on paper because for this final project we actually have to use a different program. I think it'll be easier if I do it myself first before putting it into the program. Plus it helps me to keep track and organized.
I'm just taking things one lesson at a time and it's working for me. Less stressful it seems. Yet I don't know why I've never really done this before. Has something changed for me? Has therapy helped me do this?
It seems to have happened a few times by now. I just seem to being doing more of it.Taking things a step at a time; one day at a time.
That's really all I can do. I can only hope it continues.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
End of therapy
Hello again. I did say that I probably would write again today since it was my last day of therapy for the semester. So here I am.
"My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations"-Augustus Waters, The Fault In Our Stars by John Green.
This quote seems to accurately describe how my mind works. I have so many thoughts in my mind and sometimes it's simply too hard to formulate them into words. Even words that make sense. So many thoughts like so many stars and it's hard to even make sense of them all.
Like I mentioned already, today was my last therapy session for the semester. It's a bittersweet thing when I think about it. I don't want it to end but at the same time I know it has to.
I've made so much progress since I first began going in October. My life has certainly improved. I mean, I feel like it has. Other people have mentioned that they've noticed a difference.
I mentioned before how I felt like there were gray clouds in my life. Well now the clouds have mostly gone and the sun has come out.
I feel like I've become a different person since beginning therapy. A more improved person. Someone who is more hopeful about things and feels somewhat more confident.
Today we mostly tried to tie some things up. Finish up some things that we had been discussing. At some point in our conversation today, my therapist mentioned that I had inspired her. Reflecting back on that, thinking about it now makes me feel a sense of pride. I guess that's how I'd describe that.
I mean she's done so much for me and has basically inspired me. It's a bit strange for me to hear that I've inspired her as well. It's good though because if it helps her become a much better therapist, then that's wonderful.
We also talked about how I need to love myself. Love myself like my nephew loves me. It's hard for me to do that but I feel like I'm slowly making steps to do so. That I'll continue making those steps. That I'll continue to change and start listening to the positive voices more than the negative ones. That things will continue to get better for me.
It's not going to be easy and it hasn't been but it's like learning a new song. It takes time. All I have to do is take it one note at a time and practice. My therapist described it as changing pathways. Hitting different switches to change those pathway that I've developed and followed for years.
So until Fall semester, I will be without therapy (Possibly. Unless I go back to the one back in my hometown). It's certainly going to be interesting. Probably a little difficult. But then again, I'll be home with family and people that I love. Things are just in general better for me when I'm with family. When I'm alone, things seem scarier and harder to handle. Just having family takes some of the pressure; some of the weight off my shoulders.
The thing is that a couple weeks ago, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go without therapy. I mean I realize that going home until August, possibly September, things might be ok. It would be different if I was staying here for at least part of the Summer.
Yet somehow after today, I can't help but feel like I might not need to come back in the Fall. There's still the option but I don't know. Is it really over for me? Do I really need to come back in the Fall? Should I try to come back? Is it even really necessary for me to come back?
I mean things have certainly been better for me. Things have improved greatly. Truth be told I feel like I'm mostly back on track again. But am I really? I mean at least back on track for now. I feel like even if I didn't come back in the Fall, I might be ok to go on.
Then again, Fall is still a ways off. After all, it's not even officially Summer yet. I mean I'm still working on a Final project for the Spring semester. Things still could change. I could end up coming back and needing or just wanting to go back to therapy for a little while longer. At least I feel like if I were to go back, I wouldn't need to be there much longer.
After all a lot of progress has already been made. However, I still feel that while most things have been covered, I still feel like there are a few things I'd like to discuss. A few loose ends that need to be tied up.
Yet somehow I feel like I'd be ok even if I didn't get those lose ends tied up. Somehow I feel like I'd be fine to go without therapy. Even if it's just for a little while upon my return.
Right now things are uncertain.
My therapist gave me some things to work on over the summer as well as gave me some information to read and work on.
I am extremely grateful everything she's done for me over the past several months. Thanks to her, I feel like I'm in a better place than I've been in some time. Words cannot even begin to express how truly wonderful and grateful I am to her. If for some reason, I don't return to therapy or even if I do but cannot get her again as a therapist, I wish her the best of luck. I feel like she's going to make a wonderful therapist someday. Thank you for everything.
Monday, April 30, 2012
BEDA Day 30: Nostalgia/ The End
It's the end of another BEDA (Blog Every Day April) and yet again, I'm pleased that I successfully completed the challenge. It hasn't always been easy this month but surprisingly I've been able to not only post every day this month but also manged to find some topics to discuss in my posts.
It helps that I've had a lot on my mind lately too. I hope I've been interesting to whoever has been reading. Not that it really matters. After all, I've said time and time again, that this blog is for me.
It's been nice to blog on a daily basis but I'm glad to not have to worry about it so much anymore. I'm still going to blog pretty regularly, ust not on a regular basis. I'm sure this isn't the last time you'll see me this upcoming week though. There's a good chance that I'll blog tomorrow (since I seem to be blogging every time I've been to therapy). Tomorrow is my last session for the semester until Fall. But then again maybe not. Who knows?
Still though I feel it'll be nice to take a bit of a break from blogging for a little bit after blogging daily for 30 days.
Moving on to today's main topic. So earlier today my mom and I took a trip to Stillwater, Oklahoma to visit the Oklahoma State University campus. I graduated from OSU in May 2010 with a Bachelor's in Elementary Education. I still go back and visit about once a semester.
It's hard to believe that it's been 2 years since I graduated and lived in Stillwater. It doesn't really seem all that long ago and yet it also has. It's weird to go back now. Walking around campus is familiar and yet unfamiliar. It's different now.
It feels weird knowing that the last time I really was on the campus was when I was graduating. I've come back to visit several times since but it still feels weird. Memories come back to me.Good memories. Nostalgic memories.
I go back to visit one of my professors that I had. She and I just got close. She taught my middle-level (middle school) experience and for some reason, I just really enjoyed her class and her as a professor. Then I discovered that she attended the same church I did and somehow I think that just made the connection. I also go back to visit my ex-advisor. She and I also just had a good relationship during my time at OSU. She was the first advisor I had and she was wonderful. She still is wonderful. During one semester, I was moved to another advisor but I didn't like the other advisor as much and she requested that I came back to her. She's helped me so much and in so many ways. Not only is she a great advisor in terms of my academics but also in some personal things. Certainly much better than my advisor here. I've managed to keep in contact with both my professor and my advisor and keep them updated with everything going on with me.
They both are such amazing people that sometimes I can't help but wonder how much different my life would have been if I'd never met them. I often say that if I could go back, I'd redo my degree and go for something different. But then I think, it would mean I wouldn't have met two amazing people who care about me. I don't know if I would've found such people like them.
Walking into Willard Hall which is the College of Education building, just brought back memories of my time there. Brought back all the hours spent in classes within the building and some of the professors I had. I even saw another one of my professors while we were there.
My mom and I even went by the pond behind the building; Theta Pond. I remember walking by this pond and watching the ducks. Just remembering my life there in Stillwater, while watching the mama duck and her little ducklings today. All day really was just full of nostalgia and memories. Memories of walking through the Student Union and across campus. The Union has changed and looks different. 2 years and things have changed. I've changed too.
For lunch, we went to Hideaway pizza. A pizza place that my cousin first took my parents and I too and which we all fell in love with. Memories... Afterwards, my mom and I went by St. John University parish. The parish I went to while I attended the university. A church lady I got to know and also keep in touch with well was there and we talked with her for awhile. Memories of Sunday evening masses followed by a dinner for the students that she helped out with. Memories of some of the people I got to know and become friends with. Things that I miss now.
Finally, a quick trip to Eskimo Joe's to pick up the new College of Education Teacher shirt, downtown to the Goodwill Thrift Store to kill some time, and a stop at Braum's for a Banana Split before heading back out and back here to Denton. All these memories of a life I once had. Almost dreamlike.
All these people that care about me. A place where I was truly happy. A place that holds so many memories for me and that I'll always love. A nostalgic place. A place that sometimes I wish I could go back to. A place where, as my mom pointed out, my heart belongs.
My heart does belong at OSU. I was happier there. I had friends there. I was part of something there. I was part of the university more. I feel more loyalty toward it than I do to my current school and will always feel that way.
I fell in love with OSU from the beginning and now it holds so many fond memories, so many people I care about and who care about me are part of the university. It's become such a part of me that I just simply can't let it go.
I'm grateful for all the wonderful memories the university gave to me and 'm very proud to be an OSU alumnus. ORANGE POWER FOREVER!
*Final note: I'm not sure if I'll do BEDA again regardless if it's in August or April. I feel like it's already been done so much that it's not exactly a challenge for me anymore. It's pretty much lost it's meaning. It was nice while it lasted but I think I won't do it anymore. I'm not saying I won't blog anymore during those months. I'm just not sure I'd want to the the whole month anymore. Too much to take on sometimes. Not typically very excited. Plus the whole quality versus quantity thing. It's not doing much for me anymore. Besides, I've started blogging again pretty regularly on my own. I don't really need to be forced to do it regularly anymore.*
It helps that I've had a lot on my mind lately too. I hope I've been interesting to whoever has been reading. Not that it really matters. After all, I've said time and time again, that this blog is for me.
It's been nice to blog on a daily basis but I'm glad to not have to worry about it so much anymore. I'm still going to blog pretty regularly, ust not on a regular basis. I'm sure this isn't the last time you'll see me this upcoming week though. There's a good chance that I'll blog tomorrow (since I seem to be blogging every time I've been to therapy). Tomorrow is my last session for the semester until Fall. But then again maybe not. Who knows?
Still though I feel it'll be nice to take a bit of a break from blogging for a little bit after blogging daily for 30 days.
Moving on to today's main topic. So earlier today my mom and I took a trip to Stillwater, Oklahoma to visit the Oklahoma State University campus. I graduated from OSU in May 2010 with a Bachelor's in Elementary Education. I still go back and visit about once a semester.
It's hard to believe that it's been 2 years since I graduated and lived in Stillwater. It doesn't really seem all that long ago and yet it also has. It's weird to go back now. Walking around campus is familiar and yet unfamiliar. It's different now.
It feels weird knowing that the last time I really was on the campus was when I was graduating. I've come back to visit several times since but it still feels weird. Memories come back to me.Good memories. Nostalgic memories.
I go back to visit one of my professors that I had. She and I just got close. She taught my middle-level (middle school) experience and for some reason, I just really enjoyed her class and her as a professor. Then I discovered that she attended the same church I did and somehow I think that just made the connection. I also go back to visit my ex-advisor. She and I also just had a good relationship during my time at OSU. She was the first advisor I had and she was wonderful. She still is wonderful. During one semester, I was moved to another advisor but I didn't like the other advisor as much and she requested that I came back to her. She's helped me so much and in so many ways. Not only is she a great advisor in terms of my academics but also in some personal things. Certainly much better than my advisor here. I've managed to keep in contact with both my professor and my advisor and keep them updated with everything going on with me.
They both are such amazing people that sometimes I can't help but wonder how much different my life would have been if I'd never met them. I often say that if I could go back, I'd redo my degree and go for something different. But then I think, it would mean I wouldn't have met two amazing people who care about me. I don't know if I would've found such people like them.
Walking into Willard Hall which is the College of Education building, just brought back memories of my time there. Brought back all the hours spent in classes within the building and some of the professors I had. I even saw another one of my professors while we were there.
My mom and I even went by the pond behind the building; Theta Pond. I remember walking by this pond and watching the ducks. Just remembering my life there in Stillwater, while watching the mama duck and her little ducklings today. All day really was just full of nostalgia and memories. Memories of walking through the Student Union and across campus. The Union has changed and looks different. 2 years and things have changed. I've changed too.
For lunch, we went to Hideaway pizza. A pizza place that my cousin first took my parents and I too and which we all fell in love with. Memories... Afterwards, my mom and I went by St. John University parish. The parish I went to while I attended the university. A church lady I got to know and also keep in touch with well was there and we talked with her for awhile. Memories of Sunday evening masses followed by a dinner for the students that she helped out with. Memories of some of the people I got to know and become friends with. Things that I miss now.
Finally, a quick trip to Eskimo Joe's to pick up the new College of Education Teacher shirt, downtown to the Goodwill Thrift Store to kill some time, and a stop at Braum's for a Banana Split before heading back out and back here to Denton. All these memories of a life I once had. Almost dreamlike.
All these people that care about me. A place where I was truly happy. A place that holds so many memories for me and that I'll always love. A nostalgic place. A place that sometimes I wish I could go back to. A place where, as my mom pointed out, my heart belongs.
My heart does belong at OSU. I was happier there. I had friends there. I was part of something there. I was part of the university more. I feel more loyalty toward it than I do to my current school and will always feel that way.
I fell in love with OSU from the beginning and now it holds so many fond memories, so many people I care about and who care about me are part of the university. It's become such a part of me that I just simply can't let it go.
I'm grateful for all the wonderful memories the university gave to me and 'm very proud to be an OSU alumnus. ORANGE POWER FOREVER!
*Final note: I'm not sure if I'll do BEDA again regardless if it's in August or April. I feel like it's already been done so much that it's not exactly a challenge for me anymore. It's pretty much lost it's meaning. It was nice while it lasted but I think I won't do it anymore. I'm not saying I won't blog anymore during those months. I'm just not sure I'd want to the the whole month anymore. Too much to take on sometimes. Not typically very excited. Plus the whole quality versus quantity thing. It's not doing much for me anymore. Besides, I've started blogging again pretty regularly on my own. I don't really need to be forced to do it regularly anymore.*
Sunday, April 29, 2012
BEDA Day 29: Not adventurous
I've discovered that I'm not a very adventurous sort of person. I'm really not.
I tend to stick to things that are familiar and don't tend to venture out much to try new things.
For instance, I don't live very far from Dallas. I've lived here in Denton for almost 2 years now and still have yet to really explore Dallas much. Part of me would like to explore and be adventurous but I'm afraid to do so.
Today for instance, my mom and I met my cousin at a restaurant in Dallas close to SMU. He lived and worked in Dallas at SMU for about 13 years. So he's pretty familiar. Anyways, my mom and I were waiting for him. He called and said he was running late. He mentioned there was a bookstore nearby and so my mom and I decided to go looking for it. We didn't find the bookstore but we walked around anyways. I got nervous walking around. I was actually a bit frightened. Walking through unfamiliar streets with no one but just my mom. No one was around. There was no sign of people. I felt so exposed. These frightening thoughts came into my mind. Horror stories of things that happened to people who walked alone in big cities. I mean I realize we weren't exactly alone but still.
My mom finally asked me if I was scared and I told her I was and we headed back to the car. I felt bad though. I felt like I was preventing her from exploring some more and I hated that feeling. I felt better seeing people around though.
Truth be told, Dallas frightens me. It's a big city and I'm not used to it. When I first moved here, just the fact that 2 lanes became 3 freaked me out. I still don't like driving into Dallas much. It still freaks me out.
I want to go to Dallas and explore but since it's so unfamiliar, I don't want to get lost and then run into trouble. I wish I could go with some friends who knew the city but since I don't know anyone that also stops me from going. There's also the fact, that I just simply don't want to spend all this money that I don't exactly have.
All this sounds weird though because I eventually want to live in a big city. I want to live somewhere like Austin or San Antonio. I don't know.
I'm not even much of a thrill seeker either which I guess can relate to not be very adventurous.
I have only ever been on 1 actual roller coaster in my life. It was at Circus Circus in Las Vegas and I was 21. Just a few years ago. I've been on plenty of mini-coasters like at fairs and kiddy coasters but until I was 21, I hadn't been on an actual roller coaster.
My brother was shocked to learn this fact when I told him. He's still surprised. I just have never really been inclined to want to ride actual roller coasters I guess. When we went to Walt Disney World in 2005, I didn't even ride the Rockin' Rollercoaster. I'm still not entirely sure I want to ride it even when we go back. We are planning to go to DisneyLand in August and I'm sure I'm going to be begged to ride California Screamin'. My nephew has ridden it and he's 13 right now! That fact has also been used against me. I'm just not someone who jumps at the chance to ride rollercoasters.
Despite the fact, that I know some of the science behind them doesn't help. I just am not a big roller coaster fan unlike my brother.
I guess you could say I'm a scaredy cat and lately I've been feeling like I am. I don't know why I'm not more adventurous. I mean I feel like I would be but then I realize I'm not really.
I even remember going to DisneyWorld for the first time when I was 6 years old and being scared of practically all the rides (I'm not anymore). I didn't really even want to try them (although I did). Of course I was 6 at the time but still.
I find it interesting how I'm adventurous when it comes to food but not so much in other things. I've eaten things like sushi,, oysters, and crawfish. I've tried snake and alligator. I've even eaten squid and octopus and eel I've been bold enough to try fried coke. Basically, food isn't such a hardship when it comes to trying new things.
I don't know what the reasoning is behind my being not so adventurous. Perhaps just throwing a small town girl into an unfamiliar big city environment did it. Perhaps something else. Whatever the reason though, I'm simple not very adventurous.
I'm adventurous in some things like food. Now if only I could apply that to other things in my life as well.
I tend to stick to things that are familiar and don't tend to venture out much to try new things.
For instance, I don't live very far from Dallas. I've lived here in Denton for almost 2 years now and still have yet to really explore Dallas much. Part of me would like to explore and be adventurous but I'm afraid to do so.
Today for instance, my mom and I met my cousin at a restaurant in Dallas close to SMU. He lived and worked in Dallas at SMU for about 13 years. So he's pretty familiar. Anyways, my mom and I were waiting for him. He called and said he was running late. He mentioned there was a bookstore nearby and so my mom and I decided to go looking for it. We didn't find the bookstore but we walked around anyways. I got nervous walking around. I was actually a bit frightened. Walking through unfamiliar streets with no one but just my mom. No one was around. There was no sign of people. I felt so exposed. These frightening thoughts came into my mind. Horror stories of things that happened to people who walked alone in big cities. I mean I realize we weren't exactly alone but still.
My mom finally asked me if I was scared and I told her I was and we headed back to the car. I felt bad though. I felt like I was preventing her from exploring some more and I hated that feeling. I felt better seeing people around though.
Truth be told, Dallas frightens me. It's a big city and I'm not used to it. When I first moved here, just the fact that 2 lanes became 3 freaked me out. I still don't like driving into Dallas much. It still freaks me out.
I want to go to Dallas and explore but since it's so unfamiliar, I don't want to get lost and then run into trouble. I wish I could go with some friends who knew the city but since I don't know anyone that also stops me from going. There's also the fact, that I just simply don't want to spend all this money that I don't exactly have.
All this sounds weird though because I eventually want to live in a big city. I want to live somewhere like Austin or San Antonio. I don't know.
I'm not even much of a thrill seeker either which I guess can relate to not be very adventurous.
I have only ever been on 1 actual roller coaster in my life. It was at Circus Circus in Las Vegas and I was 21. Just a few years ago. I've been on plenty of mini-coasters like at fairs and kiddy coasters but until I was 21, I hadn't been on an actual roller coaster.
My brother was shocked to learn this fact when I told him. He's still surprised. I just have never really been inclined to want to ride actual roller coasters I guess. When we went to Walt Disney World in 2005, I didn't even ride the Rockin' Rollercoaster. I'm still not entirely sure I want to ride it even when we go back. We are planning to go to DisneyLand in August and I'm sure I'm going to be begged to ride California Screamin'. My nephew has ridden it and he's 13 right now! That fact has also been used against me. I'm just not someone who jumps at the chance to ride rollercoasters.
Despite the fact, that I know some of the science behind them doesn't help. I just am not a big roller coaster fan unlike my brother.
I guess you could say I'm a scaredy cat and lately I've been feeling like I am. I don't know why I'm not more adventurous. I mean I feel like I would be but then I realize I'm not really.
I even remember going to DisneyWorld for the first time when I was 6 years old and being scared of practically all the rides (I'm not anymore). I didn't really even want to try them (although I did). Of course I was 6 at the time but still.
I find it interesting how I'm adventurous when it comes to food but not so much in other things. I've eaten things like sushi,, oysters, and crawfish. I've tried snake and alligator. I've even eaten squid and octopus and eel I've been bold enough to try fried coke. Basically, food isn't such a hardship when it comes to trying new things.
I don't know what the reasoning is behind my being not so adventurous. Perhaps just throwing a small town girl into an unfamiliar big city environment did it. Perhaps something else. Whatever the reason though, I'm simple not very adventurous.
I'm adventurous in some things like food. Now if only I could apply that to other things in my life as well.
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