Relief

That about sums up how I'm feeling right now. Just a huge sense of relief right now.

I feel lighter; a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I feel happier than I've felt perhaps in weeks. I just feel so much better emotionally. It's just such a wonderful feeling.

So today was another therapy session and I feel like progress was made today. I revealed some things to my therapist that I've struggled to mention to her before. Things that I revealed in a blog post last week. Writing it down seemed to help a lot. It made it much easier to tell her.

It was still extremely difficult to tell her and it was painful to talk about but I still told her. I even took the advice of my friend. With her encouragement and advice, I was finally able to reveal this part of myself to my therapist.

I felt like it opened things up for her. It felt like I had revealed such a big part of myself to her.  It feels as though things came together for her. That things began to make much more sense. It explains so much about why things are the way they are now.

Our session began today by me just telling her that I feel like there's just a lot on my mind. Too much pressure going on. Too much happening all at once. How I've just been feeling tired; dejected and a bit annoyed by family.

But then she wanted to pick up from where we left off last week and that's when I just had to tell her.
I told her I'd thought about it and finally I just told her. It was extremely difficult revealing this information to her. It caused me emotional pain talking about it. I told her that I still cringe thinking about it.

This led to us talking more about my family. It was difficult talking about such things. But my therapist understood. She understood some of my fears and feelings about things. She understood that it was hard talking about certain things.

I find it hard to blame my parents for what they did but at the same time, it's hard not to blame them for some of my problems. They did the best they could as parents. They were punished similarly to how they punished my brother and I.  But they did mess up and it's hard to admit that (or as my therapist put it "It's hard to admit they f'd up!* My therapist made me smile when she said this.She managed to get a laugh out of me which made me feel so much better).

At least she understood though; how difficult talking about family is; bringing family into the discussion.  She understood that how difficult it is for me to admit that perhaps how my parents raised me is partly to blame for my problems. I know there are things my parents did that have impacted me now. I even told her that I'm comforted by the fact that my older brother also has some problems too. I think I was basically trying to point out that perhaps the way my parents raised us has a lot to do with the way both of us are now. Perhaps I was just trying to point out that it wasn't just me having problems.

Really though, today's session was just so powerful I felt. I felt like I was finally being honest with her. Like this was the last bit of me that I was holding back from her and now that I've told her, there's nothing left holding me back. I feel like being honest with her, makes me fully trust her now.  I even told her some other things I hadn't told her before. I basically just revealed a lot today and I feel as though it told her a lot about me and just helped clarify things.

She even asked me at the end of our session, how I felt and I just told her that I felt relief. I felt better now that I was honest with her. She told me how proud she was of me because she knew none of this was easy for me to reveal.

I just feel great right now. It feels wonderful to finally have revealed that information to her. It helps her further help me too now that there's really nothing I'm holding back from her now. Together we can finally start putting things back together; start trying to make sense of everything.

If only we had more time. Unfortunately though, we only have 2 more sessions this semester.

My therapist did ask if I was planning on seeking therapy back home which answers one of the questions I've been secretly asking myself. She does think I should continue with therapy which makes me happy to hear that. It reassures me that I should continue. It reassures me that it would be a good idea for me to continue.

I told her I wasn't sure if I would continue when I was back home since I'm not sure I could find someone, but that I did intend to continue wherever I eventually ended up. We're going to talk more about this in one of our last two sessions.

Technically I've seen a counselor back home once already and she did help me but at the same time, I'm not sure if I'd want to return to her specifically.  I feel like I need to find someone similar to my therapist now. Someone like the counselors/therapists I've seen while here at UNT.  Specifically, I think I'd want someone like both my therapists at the Psychology Clinic have been. I mentioned how I'm pretty sure the type of therapy I'm in is called psychotherapy, this means that when looking for another therapist, this is probably what I need to focus on in order to get a therapist that's similar to what I have now.  I just think they'll be better for me. So far, they seem to have been better for me.

Really though, in terms of my session this week. I just feel so much relief. So much better. This week's session just helped me so much emotionally.

*I don't normally curse as I've said before and normally I'm not too fond of other people cursing but this time was so much different. It doesn't make me see her as less credible or anything because she said that. It didn't bother me at all this time. I feel as though it honestly was the best description she could've used. Even thinking about it now, I'm still not bothered by it. Perhaps a little shocked initially by her saying it but not bothered by it at all.*