A letter

Dear Friend,

I’m writing this letter because I really don’t know what else to do. I don’t know where else to turn to. I just could really use some advice right now; some help making decisions. Some counsel.

I am struggling with many things at the moment. Mostly, I’m struggling to find a job. I want to find a job and soon. But at the same time, I worry about finding a job. My anxiety over the fact that I’m not ready or will be good enough is holding me back some.

I’ve applied for at least 7 positions at this point. Out of those 7 applications, I’ve only been selected for 1 interview. It’s been over 2 weeks now and I haven’t heard anything back saying if I got the job or not. However, I’m assuming that I didn’t.

I’ve only heard back from 2 other positions saying that I didn’t make it past the application point. One was a part-time job position that I didn’t really want in the first place and the other was one that while I wanted, I had put in for a while back ago and had already assumed that I hadn’t gotten it since I’d heard nothing.

Frankly at this point, I’m tired. I’m getting more and more discouraged. I’m losing motivation. Honestly I didn’t have much motivation to begin with due to my anxiety but the more rejection I hear, the more I’m losing the motivation to keep looking. I’m tired of doing all this work for what seems like nothing.

I’m also just tired of all the waiting. Waiting for new positions to open up, waiting to hear if I’ll get called for an interview, and waiting to hear if I’ll get the job.

It’s really hard not to get discouraged. I want to find something and soon for many reasons. For one, I’m moving back home with my parents until I find something.  That’s already been decided.  I can’t financially stay in Denton anymore even though part of me would like to. I’m not working and haven’t found a job yet.

I haven’t exactly been looking either but also I’ve been home since the holidays which have made it nearly impossible to even look for a part-time or temporary job in Denton so that I can stay. So  I’m moving back home. There’s no other option for me.

I’m really reluctant to move home though. Already the questions about jobs and applying have begun from my parents and it’s getting very annoying.  I love my parents and everything but I’ve also gotten to the point where I realize I need to live my own life.  Honestly, I miss that about living in Denton. I miss being able to do my own thing and living my own life.

Sure it’s lonely sometimes. Sure sometimes I feel homesick. It’s true that I call my mom on a daily basis and sometimes more than once a day. But still, I miss being on my own.  I miss my own apartment and my own life.

I want to get that back and soon. I don’t want to stay here in my hometown any longer than necessary. There’s nothing much here for me which is one of the reasons I left. I knew I had to get away if I wanted to achieve my goals in life. I couldn’t stay here.  I love coming back but I don’t want to live here that long if I can avoid it. The town hasn’t changed much since I graduated high school. It’s small and comforting but there’s really not much for me. Many of my friends that are still here, I feel like I barely know them anymore. I’ve seen more than they have. I’ve experienced what life is like outside of this small town.  Honestly, I don’t feel like I have much in common with them anymore. Really, I don’t exactly have “friends” here anymore. Not really.

 I want to get back to my own life. I want to get settled somewhere so that I can start getting my life back on track; start returning to normalcy. 

There’s another reason for finding a job and soon. I’m being pressured by my parents.  I know I need to find a job and believe me I’m trying. But it doesn’t seem like it’s happening fast enough for my parents. Then there’s the fact that they keep pressuring me to at least find something to do in the meantime.

This is hard for me because honestly, I don’t know what to find especially around here; in this small town.  I’ve said already how there isn’t much here and I meant it. There isn’t much to do around in and not much in terms of jobs.

Sure you’ve got your usual fast food places and restaurants but I really really don’t want to work in those places. I really don’t want to work in Walmart either. I’ve heard too many things about it. There isn’t a whole lot of other options for me.  There’s also the fact that I don’t even know what else I’d be good for. I’ve only ever worked in libraries before. I’ve considered places like bookstores or perhaps some sort of coffee shop or possible even a movie theater but there’s not exactly a lot of places like that here in Alamogordo. What else is there? What else could I do? What else would I enjoy doing?

My parents keep pressuring me to substitute in Elementary schools. But the thing is that I really don’t want to do that. I just don’t want to have anything to do with schools. Yes, I know I can chose the grade and turn down offers if I wanted to but I just really really don’t want to do it.  I’m done with teaching and schools and anything involving it. Frankly, the idea of substituting scares me. I don’t want to deal with the discipline problems I’m sure to run into. Then there’s the fact that sometimes you could become a long-term substitute and I don’t want that. I don’t want to be put in a position like that.

I think really I’m just afraid to go back into a classroom for any sort of teaching purposes. My student teaching taught me that I wasn’t really meant for a classroom. That, and the fact that I didn’t get into the Master’s program at Oklahoma State for not doing great in my Student Teaching which was apparently one of the requirements. Or at least that’s the reasoning they gave me for not getting accepted.

But my parents, they don’t get it. They don’t understand. To them, anything I can find to make money for the time being will do.  Even if it’s something I don’t want to do. Even if it’s something I’ll be miserable doing. They just want me to find something and soon. I can’t go without a job for much longer.

Just because I have my Elementary Education degree doesn’t mean I want to do anything with it anymore. I know that sounds horrible but what else do I say.  By the time I realized it wasn’t what I really wanted to do, it was far too late. I was already in my last semester of the program and it wasn’t a viable option. I was already so close to being finished.

Why I didn’t back out when I had the chance earlier? I’m not entirely sure. But my parent’s still seem to want me to do something with my degree. To them, they see my education degree and think I’d want to do something with it and I don’t.

It’s almost like I’m being forced into doing something that I don’t want to do.

Which is how I feel about another job position they are pressuring me to apply for here. Not only them but everyone else who knows me and knows I now have an MLS. 

There is a job position here in my hometown at our public library. It’s for a reference librarian. I don’t know how many times I’ve been approached by people informing me about this job position and encouraging me to apply for it.  The truth is that I just don’t want to apply for the job.  

There’s many reasons why I don’t. I’m afraid mostly.  I got my first job at the same library when I was 16. I was a Library Page for 2 ½ years before I moved away to attend college in Oklahoma. My supervisor was really tough on me for some reason. She expected a lot of me it seemed and when I didn’t measure up, I was reprimanded. A lot of pressure was on me to do well. Other staff saw how I struggled and tried to be as encouraging as possible.  I made some serious mistakes particularly whenever I worked the circulation desk, to the point that I started getting extremely nervous and almost paranoid. Which didn’t help matters any because then I’d make other mistakes. I usually learned from mistakes thought and tried really hard to pay closer attention. I was actually nervous to work the circulation desk especially when my supervisor was around.

It just wasn’t a very pleasant experience. Even now, my supervisor makes me nervous despite the fact that I’m not working there anymore.  That I think is the reason I’m afraid to go back. She’s still working there. Even though she wouldn’t exactly be in charge of me as a Reference Librarian, still the fact that I’d be working with her again doesn’t exactly thrill me.

It’s not that I wouldn’t get the job position if I applied. I have a really good shot as it is: the fact that I’ve worked at this library before, the fact that I already know the staff, and the fact that many people know me in this town that have connections. I’m almost guaranteed the job it seems. I’d have a great shot at getting hired. But therein lies my other problem, a lot is already expected of me.  People already have high expectations of me and I’m afraid to let them down.  This is more of a personal struggle though. It’s more of me being afraid to let people down.

Honestly it’s a position that I’m not exactly interested in either. But I keep being pressured by people to apply for it. Apply so I can at least get interview practice; I can always turn the job down. I don’t have to stay here forever but at least I’d start getting experience which I need. It’s a job. It’s a start; an in. All these reasoning’s are good and everything but it still doesn’t motivate me any more to apply for the job.  I still am extremely hesitant to apply. 
Also I'm being told to apply for anything I can even if I don't quite meet the qualifications but I don't see the point. If I don't meet some of the qualifications why should I try to apply when my application is likely to be rejected right away? 

A reference librarian would be a good start but I’m not sure about it either. I worry about being good enough at the position. Right I’m focusing on applying for Children’s and Youth Librarian positions because that’s really what I want to do. That’s what I focused on in grad school. That’s what I feel like I’m good enough at doing; what I’d feel most comfortable doing. But the problem is that there haven’t been a whole lot of positions opening for such librarians. I’ve applied for all the ones I feel like I’ve qualified for but still. I realize that I’m going to have to expand my search but I don’t know what else to apply for. I don’t know what else I’d feel comfortable applying for. What else I’d qualify for, because honestly I don’t feel qualified in many other areas. 

During my grad classes, I took mostly youth librarianship courses. I took a few other courses too. I took one Academic Libraries courses as well as a course in Cataloging. I did well in both courses and passed both classes with an “A”. I also took a School Librarianship course but did miserable at it. I really struggled with it and ended up with a “C”. That ended my idea of becoming a school librarian and quickly. I’m not pursuing that job route anytime soon.  But one class in cataloging and one in Academic Libraries doesn’t seem to qualify me to work in those type of job positions; At least not in my opinion. So then what do I do?

I need to know what else to apply for. I need more ideas. It’s been suggested to me by some libraries that I apply for reference librarian positions, public service librarians, or even adult services librarians;.  They suggest that I could use my knowledge of designing youth programming and use that knowledge to help develop adult programs. But how do I begin applying for such positions when my true love and desire lies in working with youth services?  How do I change my thinking to make it sound like I really want to work for adult services when in my heart, I’d rather work with youth? How do I learn to feel comfortable working with adults when I’m much more comfortable communicating with children?

I know I just need an in. I need to get into a library and start from somewhere. I need to get the experience. I don’t have to give up looking for my dream position but I need to at least get started.  But how I go about doing that, I don’t know. I just want to be happy with what I end up doing since I’m sure I’ll be in the position for a while.  

I’m so lost and confused. I need advice. I’m tired of all the uncertainty of my future. I’m tired of being pressured. I just need help. I need a friend who I can lean on right now. Someone who can help me sort through all this mess and comfort me.

Which is why I wrote you this letter, whoever you are, I really need you now.  I need someone who understands.

Please help.

Sincerely,

Ronda

Friendship and Feelings

I've got a lot on my mind right now. Which really isn't all that new.

However, I feel as though something has changed about me. Something is different and has been such since yesterday and specifically since last night.

Last night, I met up with someone with whom I'm Facebook friends with but had never met in person. In other words, we were strictly online friends.

I found this person through Tumblr several months back. The Tumblr was called "This is what a Librarian Looks Like" and is basically a Tumblr dedicated to breaking down the stereotypes of what a Librarian looks like. Librarians are shown hiking, riding motorcycles, with crazy colored hair and doing all sorts of things that people wouldn't think a librarian would do.  Library science students and librarians of all types are invited to submit photos.

Well, this one person submitted a picture of herself wearing a Hufflepuff Team Captain Quidditch shirt. I recognized the shirt right away as I own the exact same one myself from Teefury. She also said how she was a SLIS (School of Library and Information Science) student at UNT (University of North Texas).  Plus she said she loved Harry Potter! I was interested to know more about her right away based on the information she posted. Mostly the fact that she owned the same T-shirt as I did and was a grad student attending the same university as I was, was what got me intersted to know more about her.

I reblogged the post commenting on it and hoping that she would respond back but I didn't want to wait. Here was someone that I could potentially get to know more about and maybe even possibly get to be friends with.

So being the Librarian I am, I decided to search Facebook to see if perhaps she had a profile. I guess I figured someone who knew enough about Tumblr to submit a photo of themselves would have a higher chance of  being on other social media sites too.

It turns out I was right. She did have a Facebook profile. It turns out that she was actually living in Denton which made me even happier.  I sent her a message just saying hi and telling her that I'd seen her photo submission.

A few months later she responded back. It had taken her awhile because Facebook hadn't let her known she had a message for some reason. She also sent a friend request which I accepted right away.

From then on we were Facebook friends but it wasn't until the beginning of this semester that I considered perhaps meeting up with her in person. I've been looking for a friend here in Denton for some time now but hadn't had much luck.  From what I knew about her, she seemed like someone I could be friends with in person.  I figured I'd at least try.

So I asked her if we could meet up sometime. She agreed that we should meet up but unfortunately, she wasn't able to right at the beginning of the semester since she worked in the undergraduate admissions office and was extremely busy.

I wanted to give her time for things to calm down before we tried to meet up and so I let time go by. Eventually things just got really busy with me and I sorta forgot about it for awhile. I mean, I didn't exactly forget entirely but basically we were both just so busy with our own lives that it wasn't exactly a big priority at the moment.

I've been struggling with loneliness in addition to other things for the longest time. Loneliness increasingly so this semester. I've just really been wanting a friend this semester. Someone here that I could just call and talk to or even  just to hang out with. But with so little time left before I graduated and moved, I didn't think  I'd ever find someone and basically just started giving up.

Then things got really difficult for me this week. I guess things just reached a breaking point of sorts and I felt I could just really really use a friend.  Therapy has been great and it certainly has helped but I only go once a week and sometimes it just seems like a really long time from one session to the next. Plus with only about an hour a week, sometimes not everything gets covered.

I just really need someone else to talk to. Someone close by. I can't talk to my family since they're actually part of some of my problems. All my other friends are way too far away to be of much help. My Oklahoma friends have lately been too busy with their own lives and own struggles to really be online when I've needed them. Basically at this point, I've just felt like I've been left alone. That no one is there for me when I need them. That no one really seems to care.

I've mostly kept this feeling of me feeling so alone to Twitter and Tumblr and here. I haven't really said much on Facebook. I'm not entirely sure why that is but I guess part of it is because I have family and good family friends on there. Perhaps I just never wanted them to be overly concerned about me when there was no real reason for concern. But on Monday, I finally posted something about it. I tried to be honest and just say how I could use a friend and how I've tried to find one without much luck.

Not long after that, I received a message from the fellow SLIS student. She had seen my status update and it reminded her that we still hadn't gotten together. She wanted to meet up  and wanted to know when I'd be free in the evening. I told here I was free anytime and we set up a meeting at a coffee shop downtown for last night.

Last night, we met up and it was great. The only thing was that some random drunk guy joined us. He was a friendly guy though but he was just completely drunk and you could tell. He certainly made the conversation interesting. Despite this, I still had a good time.

I was a bit nervous prior to meeting her since I only knew from online. It's just how things are.  Also since the last time I had met up with an online friend in Denton, things didn't exactly work out afterwards. I guess I was just hoping this time would be different.

But things went great and I felt at ease with her even with the random guy joining in.  Afterwards, she asked if I was doing anything on Saturday and when I told her I wasn't, we made plans to meet up again. Honestly, I think we both just wanted to try again to get to know one another without having a random drunk guy join in.

I don't know what it is though but already I'm feeling better about things. I don't feel nearly as alone as I have before. Even though, I still really don't know her that well yet. Still there's something that tells me that she and I are going to get along just fine. I get a positive vibe from her and I think it helps knowing that she's going through some of the same things I have in terms of the Library program. That wasn't the case with the other two Denton people I'd met up with before.
She's also the same age as I am and again, that helps a great deal.

 It's just weird I guess. I already feel much better about things and yet, I barely know her! One night of conversation in which it wasn't even just the 2 of us and already I feel different. I feel like things are starting to look up. Things just seem more positive.  It's like I already feel a bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I have a feeling that things will improve even more after Saturday.

I needed this to happen and now that it has, I can only hope that things are going to start improving. The downside is that I've probably finally found a friend and now I'll be leaving her. I plan to stay in contact with her though. Still though, if I had only been able to have found her earlier. Perhaps things would have been even better than they are now. I know they would have been. Some of the things I'm dealing with in therapy now probably wouldn't be problems.

My therapist this semester has been amazing and she's certainly been helping me a great deal. I feel as though things have certainly improved.  In fact I'm actually a bit sad that I'm going to be moving when I feel as though we've begun making serious progress. I feel bad about having to leave her after only being with her for a semester and I wish that didn't have to happen. But it does.

She's done so much for me this semester and at least I know I have someone to talk to on a weekly basis. Still though, I know I need support from someone else other than her. That it would help to have someone else besides her that can support me and help me further. I need someone else I can trust and so far I haven't had that. So far I've had to deal with things all on my own without the support of anyone else. I need someone else to help me continue to improve.  I hope I have finally found that here. I'm just tired of trying to handle things all on my own with what feels like no support from anyone else because I really don't have anyone else.

Between my therapy session on Wednesday and my meeting up with a new possible friend, already things seem to be doing better for me. Less stressful. I guess I just also needed to get out. I guess I've just been pretty much stuck inside my apartment too long that I don't really know what it's like to get out and be with other people. Again though, I haven't exactly had a lot of people to go out with either. Still though, it's what I needed and I'm extremely grateful for it.

I've just in general felt a lot better since yesterday. I feel less stressed. More relaxed. The pressure and stress I've been feeling the past few weeks is still there but it doesn't seem as bad right now. I think a combination of therapy and meeting up with someone has a lot to do with it (That and partly due to the fact that I went to the chiropractor for an adjustment today. I just feel very relaxed at the moment).

Switching topics here now, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately regarding therapy. I mentioned yesterday how my therapist noticed that I brushed over feeling inadequate; that she stopped me and ask me directly about it and that's when I broke down. It's happened before. I've mentioned how during other sessions she's asked me how I felt about things and I would give a long drawn out answer that didn't really answer the question. That I basically just gave a ran around and didn't really give an answer.  I still trying to figure out why this is exactly. Why I just can't seem to give a straight answer about how I'm feeling. At least in conversations with my therapist that is. I seem to have no problems expressing how I feel in my writing. At least that's how it seems. Then again, I don't think I've really ever been able to express how I feel verbally to people. It's like I'd rather not talk about how I really feel. At least not in person. I'll express myself in my writing but when it comes to telling someone face to face how I feel, I can't seem to do it Which now that I think about it is actually partly why Twitter person got upset with me. I wrote about how I felt rather than actually telling her in person. Then again though, I really couldn't tell her in person since we didn't really hang out together. Also I'm not sure I would've be able to tell her how I really felt to her face.

Even when someone is trying to help me, I can't seem to tell them how I really feel emotionally.  I mean, I should be telling my therapist exactly how I feel. She needs to know what I'm feeling in order to better understand the situation and to better be able to help me. She's asking because it's important.
Yet I don't get why I can't just be honest even with her. Again, I don't seem to have any problems writing about my emotions. Sometimes I wish I could just send her to this blog or even my Writing Tumblr blog. I honestly feel as though she'd gain a better understanding of me and my emotions about things that way than from me telling her.  I feel that she'd find a lot more about me and pick up on patterns. Sometimes I just feel it would be easier that way. I just seem to be better at written expression rather than verbal expression. I just wish I knew why this is.

I want to be able to tell her how I honestly feel about things but I just seem to be unable to do so.  I feel as though we had another breakthrough moment during our session on Wednesday so perhaps I'm getting there.

As of right now though, things just seem to be looking up. I'm hopeful that things continue that way.