A letter

Dear Friend,

I’m writing this letter because I really don’t know what else to do. I don’t know where else to turn to. I just could really use some advice right now; some help making decisions. Some counsel.

I am struggling with many things at the moment. Mostly, I’m struggling to find a job. I want to find a job and soon. But at the same time, I worry about finding a job. My anxiety over the fact that I’m not ready or will be good enough is holding me back some.

I’ve applied for at least 7 positions at this point. Out of those 7 applications, I’ve only been selected for 1 interview. It’s been over 2 weeks now and I haven’t heard anything back saying if I got the job or not. However, I’m assuming that I didn’t.

I’ve only heard back from 2 other positions saying that I didn’t make it past the application point. One was a part-time job position that I didn’t really want in the first place and the other was one that while I wanted, I had put in for a while back ago and had already assumed that I hadn’t gotten it since I’d heard nothing.

Frankly at this point, I’m tired. I’m getting more and more discouraged. I’m losing motivation. Honestly I didn’t have much motivation to begin with due to my anxiety but the more rejection I hear, the more I’m losing the motivation to keep looking. I’m tired of doing all this work for what seems like nothing.

I’m also just tired of all the waiting. Waiting for new positions to open up, waiting to hear if I’ll get called for an interview, and waiting to hear if I’ll get the job.

It’s really hard not to get discouraged. I want to find something and soon for many reasons. For one, I’m moving back home with my parents until I find something.  That’s already been decided.  I can’t financially stay in Denton anymore even though part of me would like to. I’m not working and haven’t found a job yet.

I haven’t exactly been looking either but also I’ve been home since the holidays which have made it nearly impossible to even look for a part-time or temporary job in Denton so that I can stay. So  I’m moving back home. There’s no other option for me.

I’m really reluctant to move home though. Already the questions about jobs and applying have begun from my parents and it’s getting very annoying.  I love my parents and everything but I’ve also gotten to the point where I realize I need to live my own life.  Honestly, I miss that about living in Denton. I miss being able to do my own thing and living my own life.

Sure it’s lonely sometimes. Sure sometimes I feel homesick. It’s true that I call my mom on a daily basis and sometimes more than once a day. But still, I miss being on my own.  I miss my own apartment and my own life.

I want to get that back and soon. I don’t want to stay here in my hometown any longer than necessary. There’s nothing much here for me which is one of the reasons I left. I knew I had to get away if I wanted to achieve my goals in life. I couldn’t stay here.  I love coming back but I don’t want to live here that long if I can avoid it. The town hasn’t changed much since I graduated high school. It’s small and comforting but there’s really not much for me. Many of my friends that are still here, I feel like I barely know them anymore. I’ve seen more than they have. I’ve experienced what life is like outside of this small town.  Honestly, I don’t feel like I have much in common with them anymore. Really, I don’t exactly have “friends” here anymore. Not really.

 I want to get back to my own life. I want to get settled somewhere so that I can start getting my life back on track; start returning to normalcy. 

There’s another reason for finding a job and soon. I’m being pressured by my parents.  I know I need to find a job and believe me I’m trying. But it doesn’t seem like it’s happening fast enough for my parents. Then there’s the fact that they keep pressuring me to at least find something to do in the meantime.

This is hard for me because honestly, I don’t know what to find especially around here; in this small town.  I’ve said already how there isn’t much here and I meant it. There isn’t much to do around in and not much in terms of jobs.

Sure you’ve got your usual fast food places and restaurants but I really really don’t want to work in those places. I really don’t want to work in Walmart either. I’ve heard too many things about it. There isn’t a whole lot of other options for me.  There’s also the fact that I don’t even know what else I’d be good for. I’ve only ever worked in libraries before. I’ve considered places like bookstores or perhaps some sort of coffee shop or possible even a movie theater but there’s not exactly a lot of places like that here in Alamogordo. What else is there? What else could I do? What else would I enjoy doing?

My parents keep pressuring me to substitute in Elementary schools. But the thing is that I really don’t want to do that. I just don’t want to have anything to do with schools. Yes, I know I can chose the grade and turn down offers if I wanted to but I just really really don’t want to do it.  I’m done with teaching and schools and anything involving it. Frankly, the idea of substituting scares me. I don’t want to deal with the discipline problems I’m sure to run into. Then there’s the fact that sometimes you could become a long-term substitute and I don’t want that. I don’t want to be put in a position like that.

I think really I’m just afraid to go back into a classroom for any sort of teaching purposes. My student teaching taught me that I wasn’t really meant for a classroom. That, and the fact that I didn’t get into the Master’s program at Oklahoma State for not doing great in my Student Teaching which was apparently one of the requirements. Or at least that’s the reasoning they gave me for not getting accepted.

But my parents, they don’t get it. They don’t understand. To them, anything I can find to make money for the time being will do.  Even if it’s something I don’t want to do. Even if it’s something I’ll be miserable doing. They just want me to find something and soon. I can’t go without a job for much longer.

Just because I have my Elementary Education degree doesn’t mean I want to do anything with it anymore. I know that sounds horrible but what else do I say.  By the time I realized it wasn’t what I really wanted to do, it was far too late. I was already in my last semester of the program and it wasn’t a viable option. I was already so close to being finished.

Why I didn’t back out when I had the chance earlier? I’m not entirely sure. But my parent’s still seem to want me to do something with my degree. To them, they see my education degree and think I’d want to do something with it and I don’t.

It’s almost like I’m being forced into doing something that I don’t want to do.

Which is how I feel about another job position they are pressuring me to apply for here. Not only them but everyone else who knows me and knows I now have an MLS. 

There is a job position here in my hometown at our public library. It’s for a reference librarian. I don’t know how many times I’ve been approached by people informing me about this job position and encouraging me to apply for it.  The truth is that I just don’t want to apply for the job.  

There’s many reasons why I don’t. I’m afraid mostly.  I got my first job at the same library when I was 16. I was a Library Page for 2 ½ years before I moved away to attend college in Oklahoma. My supervisor was really tough on me for some reason. She expected a lot of me it seemed and when I didn’t measure up, I was reprimanded. A lot of pressure was on me to do well. Other staff saw how I struggled and tried to be as encouraging as possible.  I made some serious mistakes particularly whenever I worked the circulation desk, to the point that I started getting extremely nervous and almost paranoid. Which didn’t help matters any because then I’d make other mistakes. I usually learned from mistakes thought and tried really hard to pay closer attention. I was actually nervous to work the circulation desk especially when my supervisor was around.

It just wasn’t a very pleasant experience. Even now, my supervisor makes me nervous despite the fact that I’m not working there anymore.  That I think is the reason I’m afraid to go back. She’s still working there. Even though she wouldn’t exactly be in charge of me as a Reference Librarian, still the fact that I’d be working with her again doesn’t exactly thrill me.

It’s not that I wouldn’t get the job position if I applied. I have a really good shot as it is: the fact that I’ve worked at this library before, the fact that I already know the staff, and the fact that many people know me in this town that have connections. I’m almost guaranteed the job it seems. I’d have a great shot at getting hired. But therein lies my other problem, a lot is already expected of me.  People already have high expectations of me and I’m afraid to let them down.  This is more of a personal struggle though. It’s more of me being afraid to let people down.

Honestly it’s a position that I’m not exactly interested in either. But I keep being pressured by people to apply for it. Apply so I can at least get interview practice; I can always turn the job down. I don’t have to stay here forever but at least I’d start getting experience which I need. It’s a job. It’s a start; an in. All these reasoning’s are good and everything but it still doesn’t motivate me any more to apply for the job.  I still am extremely hesitant to apply. 
Also I'm being told to apply for anything I can even if I don't quite meet the qualifications but I don't see the point. If I don't meet some of the qualifications why should I try to apply when my application is likely to be rejected right away? 

A reference librarian would be a good start but I’m not sure about it either. I worry about being good enough at the position. Right I’m focusing on applying for Children’s and Youth Librarian positions because that’s really what I want to do. That’s what I focused on in grad school. That’s what I feel like I’m good enough at doing; what I’d feel most comfortable doing. But the problem is that there haven’t been a whole lot of positions opening for such librarians. I’ve applied for all the ones I feel like I’ve qualified for but still. I realize that I’m going to have to expand my search but I don’t know what else to apply for. I don’t know what else I’d feel comfortable applying for. What else I’d qualify for, because honestly I don’t feel qualified in many other areas. 

During my grad classes, I took mostly youth librarianship courses. I took a few other courses too. I took one Academic Libraries courses as well as a course in Cataloging. I did well in both courses and passed both classes with an “A”. I also took a School Librarianship course but did miserable at it. I really struggled with it and ended up with a “C”. That ended my idea of becoming a school librarian and quickly. I’m not pursuing that job route anytime soon.  But one class in cataloging and one in Academic Libraries doesn’t seem to qualify me to work in those type of job positions; At least not in my opinion. So then what do I do?

I need to know what else to apply for. I need more ideas. It’s been suggested to me by some libraries that I apply for reference librarian positions, public service librarians, or even adult services librarians;.  They suggest that I could use my knowledge of designing youth programming and use that knowledge to help develop adult programs. But how do I begin applying for such positions when my true love and desire lies in working with youth services?  How do I change my thinking to make it sound like I really want to work for adult services when in my heart, I’d rather work with youth? How do I learn to feel comfortable working with adults when I’m much more comfortable communicating with children?

I know I just need an in. I need to get into a library and start from somewhere. I need to get the experience. I don’t have to give up looking for my dream position but I need to at least get started.  But how I go about doing that, I don’t know. I just want to be happy with what I end up doing since I’m sure I’ll be in the position for a while.  

I’m so lost and confused. I need advice. I’m tired of all the uncertainty of my future. I’m tired of being pressured. I just need help. I need a friend who I can lean on right now. Someone who can help me sort through all this mess and comfort me.

Which is why I wrote you this letter, whoever you are, I really need you now.  I need someone who understands.

Please help.

Sincerely,

Ronda

Exploring options in college

If there's one piece of advice I would give to freshmen college students, I would probably tell them to explore their options more. Don't settle on a degree plan right at the beginning unless you're absolutely sure it's what you want to do in life. Don't settle for what you think you might want to focus on. Explore your options. If something interests you even a little bit, take a class in it if you can. 

If I had listened more to this advice myself I probably would have been happier. I probably would have known not to make some of the choices I did. Perhaps I wouldn't feel as though my undergraduate degree is almost pointless.

I've recently been thinking about how I feel as though I didn't really explore my options in college. I didn't really branch out and explore other possible interests.

Then again I feel as though I really didn't have that option. I didn't really have a chance to explore that much.

When I began attending college, I didn't really know what I wanted to go for. I thought I was interested in Forensic Science and that's what I originally focused on. But I also thought perhaps just some sort of science field. At one point growing up, I'd been interested in being a Dentist and for the longest time I thought that's what I wanted to do. But then I learned just how much schooling was involved; how much math and science was involved and I decided it probably wasn't for me. Especially being I wasn't very strong in Math.

I attended the community branch of the state university; NMSU-A. I focused on taking a lot of generalized courses I guess you could say; most of them the basic requirements. I still didn't know what I wanted to ultimately do though. At one point, I had a serious discussion with my cousin regarding Forensic Science and ultimately that's when I decided on not going for that degree. That's pretty much when I discovered that what I really enjoyed was library and so that's what I tried to focus on.

During my first 2 years in college, I concentrated mostly on taking courses that would satisfy the necessary requirements for an associate's degree in Arts.  I didn't take a lot of extra courses. The only extra courses I took were a P.E. course and a couple of Library Science courses that were offered online through the Dona Ana branch of NMSU.

Still though I didn't really branch out all that much. Then when I transferred to Oklahoma State, I ended up having to pick up a semester of basic requirements which didn't leave me much room for anything extra. After that semester, I went right into my degree requirements for Elementary Education and extra classes became impossible.

So I really didn't have the option of going for anything extra. I didn't really get a chance to branch out and discover any other interests and now I feel like I missed out. I feel as though I focused so much on my degree plans that I really didn't give myself that option of anything else. I didn't even really consider switch degrees either at any point in my college education. Well I did, but by then it was far too late (It was my Senior year).

I wish I could have gotten more of a chance to explore other options; other interests of mine. For example, I wanted to minor in Spanish and in Music. But I was unable to do so. I still want to eventually get those minors but not for a while.

I feel as though had I been able to explore more, perhaps I would have found something I really enjoyed and perhaps I could have pursued that interest instead of what I ultimately ended up. At least in terms of an undergrad.

 For instance, lately I've developed a bit of an interest in Psychology. I think it's because I've been in therapy that I've developed this interest although I've always found things interesting. I'm a librarian, I'm curious so I research things to learn more about them. So of course being in therapy, I'm now interested in Psychology.  I'm finding it fascinating just what can have an impact on someone psychologically.

Psychology has never really been something I've considered pursuing. Not because it's not interesting to me but simply because I've never really though about it.  I was looking at an unofficial transcript from NMSU-A today when I discovered that I'd actually taken an Introductory Psychology course in Spring 2007. I hadn't remembered taking this course at all.

It was an online course and apparently I did pretty well in the course as I ended up with an A and specifically an A-. Still though I did well. I still have the folder of class exercises and the syllabus and was going through it. Some of the stuff is a bit too defining of my current life. It's scary.

But looking at all of the stuff made me think about why I never considered pursuing something like this. Why I didn't decide to pursue Psychology or another course I found interesting. I guess I just really didn't get much time to explore and I wish I had.

I mean if I had been given more chance to explore my options, perhaps I might have really found something I enjoyed as a undergrad. I mean if given the option to redo my undergrad degree, Elementary Education wouldn't be my choice. I'd go for something else. Perhaps I might have even have gone for Psychology.

I feel as though I've finally found something I enjoy. Something I think I'm happy with but who really knows. Sometimes I still doubt that I'm meant to be a librarian.  That's not to say that even if I'd gotten a different undergrad degree, I wouldn't have ended up as a librarian.

I'm just saying that I wish I could have had the chance to explore more options. A chance to discover something I'd never thought about before. Perhaps had I had the choice, I would feel more confident. I wouldn't feel like I'd made the wrong decision; I wouldn't regret my choice of undergrad degree.

Explore possible options before you make your final decision. Make sure it's something you really want to do. That way you don't end up regretting your decision (I'm not saying that I exactly regret mine but still). 

I'm not saying that I don't still have the option of pursing another interest. Who knows, I may decide to take some more Psychology courses or I might find something else I'm interested in pursuing for perhaps another minor degree or who knows, perhaps even another Bachelor's.

If I could have had the chance to explore my options more, perhaps I wouldn't have ended up with a Bachelor's degree in something I really didn't want in the first place.