"Perfect" addendem

Sometimes when I feel like I can't find any other answer to explain some of my problems, I can't help but come back to my personality type and it just being part of being an "INFJ". Not because it's the "easy" answer but because I've pretty much exhausted all other ideas and this is really the only thing I have left.

I'm talking about my personality type a lot lately and I realize this but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm trying to understand how my problems could be part of this personality. Not trying to use it as an excuse but more as a way to understand where some of my problems could be coming from.

I'm wondering if this whole perfectionism is just part of my personality at this point. It's just me. It's part of who I am.

I'm still thinking about the whole  "perfect" thing that was mentioned to me in my session yesterday. I know that I'm a bit of a perfectionist but I don't know where this idea of "perfection" came from.

I know it's this perfectionist nature causing me a lot of unnecessary stress. It's the reason for a lot of my problems. I want to be "perfect" so I try really really hard at things and as a result makes it harder when I fail.

 I'm sure it's also because of this "perfectionist" nature that I tend to procrastinate a lot of times. I've dealt with procrastination issues for a lot time and I'm sure this is one reason why.

I recently found something I wrote in my Introductory Psychology class that I took at my community college back in Spring 2007: "People procrastinate because they have a low tolerance of frustration or because they feel anxious and fear failure."

This explains my struggles so exactly.  I put off doing something because I don't feel like I can do a good job and so I would rather not do it.  Especially if it's something I don't quite understand.

Which goes back to being a perfectionist. If it's not going to be "perfect" in my opinion, why should I do it?

I set high standards for myself and when I fail to meet such standards, I'm really hard on myself.
Many times I've had to settle for turning in work that was, in my opinion, less than quality; wasn't good enough.  I always feel miserable when I do this.  Yet, many times my work comes back with a fairly decent grade.

It bothers me because I feel like I could have done better and then I blame myself for not taking more time to work on it; starting earlier instead of waiting until almost the last minute.

I'm working on trying to be more accepting that my work isn't going to be "perfect" all the time. It will probably never be "perfect". It's a struggle but I am trying to work on it. I'm at least starting to recognize when I'm doing it; trying to make something "perfect" and causing myself stress.

The thing is though, my "perfectionist" nature isn't in everything I do. As a child I never really tried to be "perfect" as far as my grades were concerned. At least, I didn't seem to. Sure I would work really hard but I was ok with getting a "B" in a class on my report card. I didn't get "A"s all the time and I still seemed ok with it. I was still happy with my grade.  Even on my assignments, I would usually get A's or B's and be happy.

If I got anything lower, then yeah, most often times I wasn't happy.  But still I did well enough in school that the only times I got anything less than a "B" were on my class assignments and I was usually ok with that. 

By the time I got to high school though, things started getting a bit difficult. I took some AP courses and struggled with both of them. My first AP course was European history. I'd already had struggled with history courses before so I don't really know why I decided to go for an AP course but I did. I struggled a lot in that class especially when it came to the exams.  After the first semester, I had a B.  I just knew if I stayed in the course though chances are my grade would drop even more and I'd fail it. I didn't want that so I switched to regular World History instead. Now looking  back on this, I guess it was that "perfectionist" nature of mine; the fact that I didn't want to fail that made me switch.

My first real, "C" grade came in college during my senior year of High School. I was a dual-credit student which meant that I took college credit classes as a high schooler and received credit for both high school and college. Which meant that by the time I started at the college as a full-time freshmen student, I already had about a semester's worth of credits already.

My first "C" was in yet another European history course. This was my first "C" in college and I remember feeling pretty horrible about it for awhile. I struggled in the course and I knew it. I didn't want a "C" but that's what the grade ended up being. This was the first of several C's in my college career. I hated getting C's but eventually I was content to just even pass the course. I struggled in the courses where I ended up with C's. It got to a point that if I was just glad to have passed the course.I still wasn't pleased with the grade but I guess I learned to just be ok with it.

Even when I got into grad school, I hated the thought of getting a "C" and I knew I couldn't. I had to get a "B" or better or otherwise the course wouldn't count credit.  This really wasn't a big problem for me to get at least a "B"but that was until my School Librarianship course happened. Up until that course, I'd had a 4.0 GPA. I'd gotten A's in all my courses. My School Librarianship course really pushed me. I really struggled with the assignments. I was hoping I would end up getting a "B" but even that seemed like a far fetched idea and by the end of the semester, I already has resigned myself to a "C" grade.

I'm still not happy about this. I feel like I should have just withdrawn from the course and I got really close to doing it. It got to that point. But again, I didn't and just suffered through it. My GPA suffered from this course and even taking this extra course this semester and most likely passing it with an A will not be enough to make up and bring back my 4.0.

Thinking about it, the fact that the SCC used the term in describing some of my problems, makes a lot of sense. I've struggled with being perfect for a long time and still struggle with it. 

It can be a blessing and a curse but for me, it's mostly a curse.
Right now my perfectionist nature is more noticeable to me because I'm a college student but I know it's going to continue being a problem for me in my career and I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it.

To be ok with not always being "perfect".

3 graduation poems I wrote

A bit of a different type of blog post than usual.

So my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to write a new poem to include with my Master's degree graduation announcements.   I've done this twice already before; for my high school graduation and again for my undergrad graduation.

I didn't exactly feel like writing a poem though. Lately I've just felt that my creative writing energy has been low.  But I ended up writing one after all. I actually had some ideas but just really was lacking the motivation to sit down and actually compose the poem. Eventually I just forced myself to do it.

 Each of the 3 poems I wrote have sort of built upon the previous poem. I just wanted somewhere where I could share all 3 poems. Until now, I've never really put all 3 of them together to see how they look.

So for your enjoyment, here they all are in order along with my age at the time I wrote them and the date of when I wrote them.

A Journey Begins…

Cap and gown are in place

13 years of schooling has ended

Years of hard work and studying

All come down to this day

Books are slammed shut

The hallways become silent

The bell rings one last time

The doors now close on our high school years

 Our memories are all that remain

Another chapter has ended

              A new journey is about to begin…

                                -Age 18

                             June 8, 2006

The journey continues…

4 years ago

One journey ended,

One journey began

4 more years of hard work,

Achieving one of my dreams,

Of earning a college degree

The journey has been tough

Its reward has finally been won

The support from each of you,

Has helped me throughout the years

And has given me the strength to keep going

When things became difficult

My journey is far from over

No matter where I go

If I just keep believing,

I can achieve great things.

The future is still waiting for me

The journey continues.

-Age 22

May 21, 2010

The journey ends here

6 years ago, a journey began

2 ½ years ago, the journey continued

The journey finally ends here.

Many years of education

Many years of support and encouragement

Years of dedication,

Hard work and sacrifice

Have finally reached their end

A Master’s degree

The final piece of the journey

Successfully achieved

A dream goal finally reached.

An educational journey is finally over.

A career journey soon to begin.

-Age 24

November 23, 2012

 

High School Memories /Prom

One of my awesome, nerd friends that I recently met IRL just brought an interesting thing up on twitter that made me think. Apparently people are telling her that she needs to go to prom and experience at least one High School party before she graduates. This made me think about my own High School experiences. My senior year, I was hardly even at my high school. I was taking classes for dual credit at my community college and was only taking a few required classes. Because of me not being at my high school that much, I was more isolated. I didn't really know or really care what was going on at my high school. I was focused on finishing up and moving on. However, despite this fact, I still tried to do anything I could that I hadn't before. I wanted to make my Senior Year memorable. I went to the Homecoming Dance,Parade, Game,everything that I could. Half of the time I didn't enjoy it all that much but at least I went. For instance, the Homecoming Football Game. I am not a Football fan at all but I went for the experience and I was happy I did. The same thing when it came to Prom.
Now for Prom, I wasn't entirely that excited about it to begin with, especially when I learned that all my friends had dates and I didn't (not that I wanted one really as evidenced by my previous blog. I just wasn't interested). Still they were my friends and it was something that you get to experience once, so I went. It was nice because my parents helped make the experience more memorable for me. My mom helped me find a dress and she took me to get my hair done and both of them took me for a nice dinner someplace. I appreciate all they did for me and I'm glad they did it so I could experience Prom.

However, the experience wasn't a very cheerful one for me. In fact, it was horrible. I hated it. The music was horrible, my friends were too busy with their dates, I felt awkward being around them anyways since I didn't have a date; just overall the experience wasn't that great. I look back on it now and still feel that is was horrible but in a way I'm glad that I went. At least I got the experience despite the fact that it wasn't very postive.

I do have this to say to High School Seniors (Nerdy ones like I was) regarding things like Prom: Go and experience what you can. Even if it turns out to be horrible and you'd never want to experience it again, at least you can say you experienced it. Your last year of high school should be made memorable. You'll only get to experience it once.