Sometimes when I feel like I can't find any other answer to explain some of my problems, I can't help but come back to my personality type and it just being part of being an "INFJ". Not because it's the "easy" answer but because I've pretty much exhausted all other ideas and this is really the only thing I have left.
I'm talking about my personality type a lot lately and I realize this but it's something I've been thinking about a lot lately. I'm trying to understand how my problems could be part of this personality. Not trying to use it as an excuse but more as a way to understand where some of my problems could be coming from.
I'm wondering if this whole perfectionism is just part of my personality at this point. It's just me. It's part of who I am.
I'm still thinking about the whole "perfect" thing that was mentioned to me in my session yesterday. I know that I'm a bit of a perfectionist but I don't know where this idea of "perfection" came from.
I know it's this perfectionist nature causing me a lot of unnecessary stress. It's the reason for a lot of my problems. I want to be "perfect" so I try really really hard at things and as a result makes it harder when I fail.
I'm sure it's also because of this "perfectionist" nature that I tend to procrastinate a lot of times. I've dealt with procrastination issues for a lot time and I'm sure this is one reason why.
I recently found something I wrote in my Introductory Psychology class that I took at my community college back in Spring 2007: "People procrastinate because they have a low tolerance of frustration or because they feel anxious and fear failure."
This explains my struggles so exactly. I put off doing something because I don't feel like I can do a good job and so I would rather not do it. Especially if it's something I don't quite understand.
Which goes back to being a perfectionist. If it's not going to be "perfect" in my opinion, why should I do it?
I set high standards for myself and when I fail to meet such standards, I'm really hard on myself.
Many times I've had to settle for turning in work that was, in my opinion, less than quality; wasn't good enough. I always feel miserable when I do this. Yet, many times my work comes back with a fairly decent grade.
It bothers me because I feel like I could have done better and then I blame myself for not taking more time to work on it; starting earlier instead of waiting until almost the last minute.
I'm working on trying to be more accepting that my work isn't going to be "perfect" all the time. It will probably never be "perfect". It's a struggle but I am trying to work on it. I'm at least starting to recognize when I'm doing it; trying to make something "perfect" and causing myself stress.
The thing is though, my "perfectionist" nature isn't in everything I do. As a child I never really tried to be "perfect" as far as my grades were concerned. At least, I didn't seem to. Sure I would work really hard but I was ok with getting a "B" in a class on my report card. I didn't get "A"s all the time and I still seemed ok with it. I was still happy with my grade. Even on my assignments, I would usually get A's or B's and be happy.
If I got anything lower, then yeah, most often times I wasn't happy. But still I did well enough in school that the only times I got anything less than a "B" were on my class assignments and I was usually ok with that.
By the time I got to high school though, things started getting a bit difficult. I took some AP courses and struggled with both of them. My first AP course was European history. I'd already had struggled with history courses before so I don't really know why I decided to go for an AP course but I did. I struggled a lot in that class especially when it came to the exams. After the first semester, I had a B. I just knew if I stayed in the course though chances are my grade would drop even more and I'd fail it. I didn't want that so I switched to regular World History instead. Now looking back on this, I guess it was that "perfectionist" nature of mine; the fact that I didn't want to fail that made me switch.
My first real, "C" grade came in college during my senior year of High School. I was a dual-credit student which meant that I took college credit classes as a high schooler and received credit for both high school and college. Which meant that by the time I started at the college as a full-time freshmen student, I already had about a semester's worth of credits already.
My first "C" was in yet another European history course. This was my first "C" in college and I remember feeling pretty horrible about it for awhile. I struggled in the course and I knew it. I didn't want a "C" but that's what the grade ended up being. This was the first of several C's in my college career. I hated getting C's but eventually I was content to just even pass the course. I struggled in the courses where I ended up with C's. It got to a point that if I was just glad to have passed the course.I still wasn't pleased with the grade but I guess I learned to just be ok with it.
Even when I got into grad school, I hated the thought of getting a "C" and I knew I couldn't. I had to get a "B" or better or otherwise the course wouldn't count credit. This really wasn't a big problem for me to get at least a "B"but that was until my School Librarianship course happened. Up until that course, I'd had a 4.0 GPA. I'd gotten A's in all my courses. My School Librarianship course really pushed me. I really struggled with the assignments. I was hoping I would end up getting a "B" but even that seemed like a far fetched idea and by the end of the semester, I already has resigned myself to a "C" grade.
I'm still not happy about this. I feel like I should have just withdrawn from the course and I got really close to doing it. It got to that point. But again, I didn't and just suffered through it. My GPA suffered from this course and even taking this extra course this semester and most likely passing it with an A will not be enough to make up and bring back my 4.0.
Thinking about it, the fact that the SCC used the term in describing some of my problems, makes a lot of sense. I've struggled with being perfect for a long time and still struggle with it.
It can be a blessing and a curse but for me, it's mostly a curse.
Right now my perfectionist nature is more noticeable to me because I'm a college student but I know it's going to continue being a problem for me in my career and I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it.
To be ok with not always being "perfect".
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Showing posts with label college. Show all posts
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Friday, November 30, 2012
Exploring options in college
If there's one piece of advice I would give to freshmen college students, I would probably tell them to explore their options more. Don't settle on a degree plan right at the beginning unless you're absolutely sure it's what you want to do in life. Don't settle for what you think you might want to focus on. Explore your options. If something interests you even a little bit, take a class in it if you can.
If I had listened more to this advice myself I probably would have been happier. I probably would have known not to make some of the choices I did. Perhaps I wouldn't feel as though my undergraduate degree is almost pointless.
I've recently been thinking about how I feel as though I didn't really explore my options in college. I didn't really branch out and explore other possible interests.
Then again I feel as though I really didn't have that option. I didn't really have a chance to explore that much.
When I began attending college, I didn't really know what I wanted to go for. I thought I was interested in Forensic Science and that's what I originally focused on. But I also thought perhaps just some sort of science field. At one point growing up, I'd been interested in being a Dentist and for the longest time I thought that's what I wanted to do. But then I learned just how much schooling was involved; how much math and science was involved and I decided it probably wasn't for me. Especially being I wasn't very strong in Math.
I attended the community branch of the state university; NMSU-A. I focused on taking a lot of generalized courses I guess you could say; most of them the basic requirements. I still didn't know what I wanted to ultimately do though. At one point, I had a serious discussion with my cousin regarding Forensic Science and ultimately that's when I decided on not going for that degree. That's pretty much when I discovered that what I really enjoyed was library and so that's what I tried to focus on.
During my first 2 years in college, I concentrated mostly on taking courses that would satisfy the necessary requirements for an associate's degree in Arts. I didn't take a lot of extra courses. The only extra courses I took were a P.E. course and a couple of Library Science courses that were offered online through the Dona Ana branch of NMSU.
Still though I didn't really branch out all that much. Then when I transferred to Oklahoma State, I ended up having to pick up a semester of basic requirements which didn't leave me much room for anything extra. After that semester, I went right into my degree requirements for Elementary Education and extra classes became impossible.
So I really didn't have the option of going for anything extra. I didn't really get a chance to branch out and discover any other interests and now I feel like I missed out. I feel as though I focused so much on my degree plans that I really didn't give myself that option of anything else. I didn't even really consider switch degrees either at any point in my college education. Well I did, but by then it was far too late (It was my Senior year).
I wish I could have gotten more of a chance to explore other options; other interests of mine. For example, I wanted to minor in Spanish and in Music. But I was unable to do so. I still want to eventually get those minors but not for a while.
I feel as though had I been able to explore more, perhaps I would have found something I really enjoyed and perhaps I could have pursued that interest instead of what I ultimately ended up. At least in terms of an undergrad.
For instance, lately I've developed a bit of an interest in Psychology. I think it's because I've been in therapy that I've developed this interest although I've always found things interesting. I'm a librarian, I'm curious so I research things to learn more about them. So of course being in therapy, I'm now interested in Psychology. I'm finding it fascinating just what can have an impact on someone psychologically.
Psychology has never really been something I've considered pursuing. Not because it's not interesting to me but simply because I've never really though about it. I was looking at an unofficial transcript from NMSU-A today when I discovered that I'd actually taken an Introductory Psychology course in Spring 2007. I hadn't remembered taking this course at all.
It was an online course and apparently I did pretty well in the course as I ended up with an A and specifically an A-. Still though I did well. I still have the folder of class exercises and the syllabus and was going through it. Some of the stuff is a bit too defining of my current life. It's scary.
But looking at all of the stuff made me think about why I never considered pursuing something like this. Why I didn't decide to pursue Psychology or another course I found interesting. I guess I just really didn't get much time to explore and I wish I had.
I mean if I had been given more chance to explore my options, perhaps I might have really found something I enjoyed as a undergrad. I mean if given the option to redo my undergrad degree, Elementary Education wouldn't be my choice. I'd go for something else. Perhaps I might have even have gone for Psychology.
I feel as though I've finally found something I enjoy. Something I think I'm happy with but who really knows. Sometimes I still doubt that I'm meant to be a librarian. That's not to say that even if I'd gotten a different undergrad degree, I wouldn't have ended up as a librarian.
I'm just saying that I wish I could have had the chance to explore more options. A chance to discover something I'd never thought about before. Perhaps had I had the choice, I would feel more confident. I wouldn't feel like I'd made the wrong decision; I wouldn't regret my choice of undergrad degree.
Explore possible options before you make your final decision. Make sure it's something you really want to do. That way you don't end up regretting your decision (I'm not saying that I exactly regret mine but still).
I'm not saying that I don't still have the option of pursing another interest. Who knows, I may decide to take some more Psychology courses or I might find something else I'm interested in pursuing for perhaps another minor degree or who knows, perhaps even another Bachelor's.
If I could have had the chance to explore my options more, perhaps I wouldn't have ended up with a Bachelor's degree in something I really didn't want in the first place.
If I had listened more to this advice myself I probably would have been happier. I probably would have known not to make some of the choices I did. Perhaps I wouldn't feel as though my undergraduate degree is almost pointless.
I've recently been thinking about how I feel as though I didn't really explore my options in college. I didn't really branch out and explore other possible interests.
Then again I feel as though I really didn't have that option. I didn't really have a chance to explore that much.
When I began attending college, I didn't really know what I wanted to go for. I thought I was interested in Forensic Science and that's what I originally focused on. But I also thought perhaps just some sort of science field. At one point growing up, I'd been interested in being a Dentist and for the longest time I thought that's what I wanted to do. But then I learned just how much schooling was involved; how much math and science was involved and I decided it probably wasn't for me. Especially being I wasn't very strong in Math.
I attended the community branch of the state university; NMSU-A. I focused on taking a lot of generalized courses I guess you could say; most of them the basic requirements. I still didn't know what I wanted to ultimately do though. At one point, I had a serious discussion with my cousin regarding Forensic Science and ultimately that's when I decided on not going for that degree. That's pretty much when I discovered that what I really enjoyed was library and so that's what I tried to focus on.
During my first 2 years in college, I concentrated mostly on taking courses that would satisfy the necessary requirements for an associate's degree in Arts. I didn't take a lot of extra courses. The only extra courses I took were a P.E. course and a couple of Library Science courses that were offered online through the Dona Ana branch of NMSU.
Still though I didn't really branch out all that much. Then when I transferred to Oklahoma State, I ended up having to pick up a semester of basic requirements which didn't leave me much room for anything extra. After that semester, I went right into my degree requirements for Elementary Education and extra classes became impossible.
So I really didn't have the option of going for anything extra. I didn't really get a chance to branch out and discover any other interests and now I feel like I missed out. I feel as though I focused so much on my degree plans that I really didn't give myself that option of anything else. I didn't even really consider switch degrees either at any point in my college education. Well I did, but by then it was far too late (It was my Senior year).
I wish I could have gotten more of a chance to explore other options; other interests of mine. For example, I wanted to minor in Spanish and in Music. But I was unable to do so. I still want to eventually get those minors but not for a while.
I feel as though had I been able to explore more, perhaps I would have found something I really enjoyed and perhaps I could have pursued that interest instead of what I ultimately ended up. At least in terms of an undergrad.
For instance, lately I've developed a bit of an interest in Psychology. I think it's because I've been in therapy that I've developed this interest although I've always found things interesting. I'm a librarian, I'm curious so I research things to learn more about them. So of course being in therapy, I'm now interested in Psychology. I'm finding it fascinating just what can have an impact on someone psychologically.
Psychology has never really been something I've considered pursuing. Not because it's not interesting to me but simply because I've never really though about it. I was looking at an unofficial transcript from NMSU-A today when I discovered that I'd actually taken an Introductory Psychology course in Spring 2007. I hadn't remembered taking this course at all.
It was an online course and apparently I did pretty well in the course as I ended up with an A and specifically an A-. Still though I did well. I still have the folder of class exercises and the syllabus and was going through it. Some of the stuff is a bit too defining of my current life. It's scary.
But looking at all of the stuff made me think about why I never considered pursuing something like this. Why I didn't decide to pursue Psychology or another course I found interesting. I guess I just really didn't get much time to explore and I wish I had.
I mean if I had been given more chance to explore my options, perhaps I might have really found something I enjoyed as a undergrad. I mean if given the option to redo my undergrad degree, Elementary Education wouldn't be my choice. I'd go for something else. Perhaps I might have even have gone for Psychology.
I feel as though I've finally found something I enjoy. Something I think I'm happy with but who really knows. Sometimes I still doubt that I'm meant to be a librarian. That's not to say that even if I'd gotten a different undergrad degree, I wouldn't have ended up as a librarian.
I'm just saying that I wish I could have had the chance to explore more options. A chance to discover something I'd never thought about before. Perhaps had I had the choice, I would feel more confident. I wouldn't feel like I'd made the wrong decision; I wouldn't regret my choice of undergrad degree.
Explore possible options before you make your final decision. Make sure it's something you really want to do. That way you don't end up regretting your decision (I'm not saying that I exactly regret mine but still).
I'm not saying that I don't still have the option of pursing another interest. Who knows, I may decide to take some more Psychology courses or I might find something else I'm interested in pursuing for perhaps another minor degree or who knows, perhaps even another Bachelor's.
If I could have had the chance to explore my options more, perhaps I wouldn't have ended up with a Bachelor's degree in something I really didn't want in the first place.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
3 graduation poems I wrote
A bit of a different type of blog post than usual.
So my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to write a new poem to include with my Master's degree graduation announcements. I've done this twice already before; for my high school graduation and again for my undergrad graduation.
I didn't exactly feel like writing a poem though. Lately I've just felt that my creative writing energy has been low. But I ended up writing one after all. I actually had some ideas but just really was lacking the motivation to sit down and actually compose the poem. Eventually I just forced myself to do it.
Each of the 3 poems I wrote have sort of built upon the previous poem. I just wanted somewhere where I could share all 3 poems. Until now, I've never really put all 3 of them together to see how they look.
So for your enjoyment, here they all are in order along with my age at the time I wrote them and the date of when I wrote them.
So my mom thought it would be a good idea for me to write a new poem to include with my Master's degree graduation announcements. I've done this twice already before; for my high school graduation and again for my undergrad graduation.
I didn't exactly feel like writing a poem though. Lately I've just felt that my creative writing energy has been low. But I ended up writing one after all. I actually had some ideas but just really was lacking the motivation to sit down and actually compose the poem. Eventually I just forced myself to do it.
Each of the 3 poems I wrote have sort of built upon the previous poem. I just wanted somewhere where I could share all 3 poems. Until now, I've never really put all 3 of them together to see how they look.
So for your enjoyment, here they all are in order along with my age at the time I wrote them and the date of when I wrote them.
A Journey Begins…
Cap and gown are in
place
13 years of schooling
has ended
Years of hard work and
studying
All come down to this
day
Books are slammed shut
The hallways become
silent
The bell rings one last
time
The doors now close on our
high school years
Our memories are all that remain
Another chapter has
ended
A
new journey is about to begin…
-Age 18
June 8, 2006
The journey continues…
4 years ago
One journey ended,
One journey began
4 more years of hard work,
Achieving one of my dreams,
Of earning a college degree
The journey has been tough
Its reward has finally been won
The support from each of you,
Has helped me throughout the years
And has given me the strength to keep going
When things became difficult
My journey is far from over
No matter where I go
If I just keep believing,
I can achieve great things.
The future is still waiting for me
The journey continues.
-Age 22
May 21, 2010
The
journey ends here
6
years ago, a journey began
2 ½ years
ago, the journey continued
The
journey finally ends here.
Many
years of education
Many
years of support and encouragement
Years
of dedication,
Hard
work and sacrifice
Have
finally reached their end
A Master’s
degree
The
final piece of the journey
Successfully
achieved
A
dream goal finally reached.
An educational
journey is finally over.
A career
journey soon to begin.
-Age
24
November
23, 2012
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Living in a lonely world...
Sometimes I feel as though moving here to Denton wasn't necessarily the best idea for me. I am now a graduate student taking 8 hrs of classes and all are online. I don't currently have a job or anything. I don't even go to an exercise class or anything. Because of all this, my days are spent mostly inside my apartment attempting to do homework most days and actually doing it other days. Other things about my day include staying up really late at night, doing things on the internet, and as a result getting up late the next day. Most days I don't even leave my apartment except for a brief amount of time. Usually it's to go to Walmart or the library or just to get out and find something for lunch. None of it is very exciting. I don't know if it's because of this that I've become extremely lazy and procrastinate a lot. I have time to finish my homework before it's actually due but yet I still seem to wait until the day it's due to work on it. I don't understand it but I just can't get into a routine regarding my homework. Here I'm almost 2/3rds finished with my first semester of Grad school and I have yet to develop a routine. I think part of the problem is that I don't have any structure in my life at the moment. I don't have any sort of rigorous schedule holding me to do my work at a certain time. To be honest, I know I need a job but I also just haven't really been really putting effort into actually finding one. At first I thought this was all just because I'm burnt out on school. I've been going to school almost nonstop since I got out of high school. I mean, I just graduated in May and here I am again. Sure I've had breaks between classes. This past summer was really my first break from classes and that's only because my degree program is on a strict plan that doesn't offer the classes during the summer. I used to be extremely busy. Semester Y (last fall) was insanely busy and was literally the Semester from Hell (excuse my language please). I had a nervous breakdown at one point and as a result, had to get someone to help me learn to cope with the rest of the semester and it worked. Then came my last semester, Semester Z, which was strictly Student Teaching. That was also busy but not as much as Semester Y. It was the normal teaching stuff: grading papers, writing lesson plans,etc. That sort of thing. Yet throughout both Semester Y and Z, I was also not working. I couldn't. That was one thing my advisor had told me: Don't work during Semester Y because it's nearly impossible. Prior to Semester Y (Semester X), I had been working at the local public library and it began to get too much for me to both work and juggle classes. Yet even though I was busy, I still managed to get my schoolwork finished. I ended up having to quit though because it just got to be too stressful for me. I guess what I'm really needed is a happy medium between insanely busy and near laziness. Don't get me wrong. I still get stressed out with my graduate classes. For instance, I'm writing a blog instead of working on a mid-term paper that's due tomorrow. I'm a little stressed about getting the paper done and also some upcoming projects that are due soon (in about 2 weeks). The difference is that I have time to finish everything before it's due so I don't have to get stressed.
I've also been feeling pretty depressed recently. For the past two weekends, I've driven to see some of my friends in Oklahoma City and we've gone to two awesome concerts at a couple of the libraries. I've had so much fun hanging out with my friends and it's been really awesome. Yet it's also made me think about things. At the wrock show I went to on Sunday, I miracously met someone who is also from Denton. She's a Freshmen at the University of North Texas (my college). I didn't really talk to her much though but still at least I met someone. This got me thinking though. I've been feeling really lonely lately. I realize that I have awesome friends but just not here in Denton with me. It makes me think back to when I first moved to Oklahoma. It took me some time but I sorta made friends in a few of my classes the first semester. I guess I can't really call them friends when I think about it though. I guess I could say they were more just people I got to know through class. There was however, one person that I met and ended up becoming friends with later and that was because she and I were in the same degree plan. Still though, I don't think I actually made any "real" friends my first semester. Once I got into my degree classes my second semester, that's when I actually started making more friends. Then came the Tour de Nerdfighting event in Oklahoma City and I met some people who I later became online friends with and later IRL friends (this is evidenced by the last couple of weekends). I can't say that I don' t have friends because I do. I just don't have any friends here that I can hang out with on a regular basis and such. I should say yet but I don't think that's an accurate description. I don't think I will ever really have friends here. Going back to the fact that my classes are all online, the only time I really see anyone was at the Web Institute at the beginning of the semester and that was only a few days. I met some people and hung out with them but it's been a bit hard to keep a friendship with them when you only saw them a few days and then you don't see them again. You might be lucky enough to have them in other classes and you might end up graduating during the same semester but you don't really know. It's been really hard for me. It's been especially hard to find anyone that's a nerdfighter. Everywhere I've lived, it's been hard: my hometown in New Mexico (pretty sure I'm the only one), at Oklahoma State in Stillwater(there were some but I never found them), and now here in Denton at University of North Texas (or just Denton in general, since there's like 3 colleges here). I'm sure that people are out there, I just haven't found them yet and I really don't know how to find them. It's also been a bit hard to find people that I can relate to. I have no probably being friends with undergrads. It's not a big deal, but I still want at least one friend that can relate to me right now. I guess also because I never really experienced the whole college thing, that isolates me a bit more. I never was in a dorm room and quite honestly never really wanted that experience. I feel as though missing out on these experiences is partly why I'm so lonely now. I could try making friends through my church. However, the church I go to, while I really like it, has very few college students at it. Most of them go to the one on either the UNT or TWU campus which I have yet to actually visit. Plus it's hard for me to go to another campus church when I love and miss the one back at Oklahoma State. I eventually made a lot of friends there and I just liked it.
I wonder if everything that happened back in May could be part of the reason for me being lonely here and everything else. I honestly think I might just need to go talk to someone and get some help. I need something to get me out of this cave of loneliness and laziness I've gotton myself into. Something needs to be done.
I've also been feeling pretty depressed recently. For the past two weekends, I've driven to see some of my friends in Oklahoma City and we've gone to two awesome concerts at a couple of the libraries. I've had so much fun hanging out with my friends and it's been really awesome. Yet it's also made me think about things. At the wrock show I went to on Sunday, I miracously met someone who is also from Denton. She's a Freshmen at the University of North Texas (my college). I didn't really talk to her much though but still at least I met someone. This got me thinking though. I've been feeling really lonely lately. I realize that I have awesome friends but just not here in Denton with me. It makes me think back to when I first moved to Oklahoma. It took me some time but I sorta made friends in a few of my classes the first semester. I guess I can't really call them friends when I think about it though. I guess I could say they were more just people I got to know through class. There was however, one person that I met and ended up becoming friends with later and that was because she and I were in the same degree plan. Still though, I don't think I actually made any "real" friends my first semester. Once I got into my degree classes my second semester, that's when I actually started making more friends. Then came the Tour de Nerdfighting event in Oklahoma City and I met some people who I later became online friends with and later IRL friends (this is evidenced by the last couple of weekends). I can't say that I don' t have friends because I do. I just don't have any friends here that I can hang out with on a regular basis and such. I should say yet but I don't think that's an accurate description. I don't think I will ever really have friends here. Going back to the fact that my classes are all online, the only time I really see anyone was at the Web Institute at the beginning of the semester and that was only a few days. I met some people and hung out with them but it's been a bit hard to keep a friendship with them when you only saw them a few days and then you don't see them again. You might be lucky enough to have them in other classes and you might end up graduating during the same semester but you don't really know. It's been really hard for me. It's been especially hard to find anyone that's a nerdfighter. Everywhere I've lived, it's been hard: my hometown in New Mexico (pretty sure I'm the only one), at Oklahoma State in Stillwater(there were some but I never found them), and now here in Denton at University of North Texas (or just Denton in general, since there's like 3 colleges here). I'm sure that people are out there, I just haven't found them yet and I really don't know how to find them. It's also been a bit hard to find people that I can relate to. I have no probably being friends with undergrads. It's not a big deal, but I still want at least one friend that can relate to me right now. I guess also because I never really experienced the whole college thing, that isolates me a bit more. I never was in a dorm room and quite honestly never really wanted that experience. I feel as though missing out on these experiences is partly why I'm so lonely now. I could try making friends through my church. However, the church I go to, while I really like it, has very few college students at it. Most of them go to the one on either the UNT or TWU campus which I have yet to actually visit. Plus it's hard for me to go to another campus church when I love and miss the one back at Oklahoma State. I eventually made a lot of friends there and I just liked it.
I wonder if everything that happened back in May could be part of the reason for me being lonely here and everything else. I honestly think I might just need to go talk to someone and get some help. I need something to get me out of this cave of loneliness and laziness I've gotton myself into. Something needs to be done.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Chapter 30: The future looks cloudy
I'll just say it right now: I am really not happy right now. I've experienced a whirlwind of emotions just trying to apply to Graduate School here. That's pretty much the whole problem. I've always intended to continue on to Grad school ever since I transferred here. I have always had my sights set on the Master's of Educational Technology with certification as a School Library Media Specialist. Or at least I did until quite recently. I completed all the required application materials on March 12 the last day before Spring Break. About a month later (I don't really know when it was), I received notice saying that my application was incomplete and that I had been denied admission at this time. Upon further inquiry, I was informed that I should try reapplying upon graduation. For the longest time this was the only response I received. Finally, I sent an email to the person in charge of the program. I was concerned about reapplying and having to go through this again with not being admitted. I received an email yesterday requesting that I stop by and see the person in charge so we could talk face to face. So today I did just that. The news wasn't good. She told me that I did meet all the requirements for the program but the reason I didn't get into the program is because they don't think it's right for me. This was a huge blow to me. Working for 2 years for a degree in Elementary Education in order to apply for this specific program and then being told that it's not right for you. It's just overwhelming. The concern is the fact that I don't seem to want to teach at all and think it's just all about books. I know that a School librarian is way more than just books and stuff. The program doesn't work for those who just want out of a traditional classroom. According to the new standards or something like that, a school library media specialist is like the "ultimate super teacher". The one that the other teachers look to for guidance. That type of thing. The lady in charge of the program feels that from our conversations, that I'm not this type of person. That I'm more suited to a public library than a school library. Most of the types of people like me fail to do well in a program like the one they provide. Basically, by denying me admission they are doing me a favor and saving me from this possibility. However, I don't believe that everything she said about me is entirely true but then again maybe it is. I've researched the classes and I believe that I would do well in the classes. I believe that I would be successful and that it's definitely something I'm interested in. Then again, maybe the real reason that I'm upset is the fact that what she said is closer to the truth than I'd like to admit. I have never really wanted to be a teacher. In truth I've always viewed this as just the first part before what I really wanted to do. Yet I've done well in all my classes and have passed all the required coursework. However, the more I think about it, the more I recognize the fact that my heart has never been fully into it. While I've enjoyed my classes for the most part and I enjoyed my student teaching a lot, it's not the same as it has been for my fellow classmates. They've wanted to be teachers and plan to be teachers. For me, it's never really been that. Perhaps the truth is that this isn't the degree I should be getting. Maybe this is just a worthless degree for me. This is bad. This is one of the things I've tried so hard to avoid because of my older brother. He has a Bachelor's degree but it doesn't do him any good. That's what I'm afraid mine will be now. It almost seems like the past 2 and half years was nothing now. The sad truth is that I'm sure that the lady is right. A school library isn't for me though I wish I could've been given a shot. But no.
The fact is that now I'll be moving on regardless. Wheather it be that I move to University of Arizona or to University of North Texas or. Those are my two options currently. University of Central Oklahoma was a choice at one point but since it's also School Library Media related, it's probably not worth trying there. The programs I'm looking at right now are all for a regular master of library science. The one at UNT is probably more the type of program I'm looking for because they do have an area for Youth Librarianship which is what I ultimately want to be. I still want to be a children's librarian. However, there is also a huge advantage to going to U of A because it's close to my parents and to my brother and his family. Right now, I don't really know which I'll eventually go to.
Of course, it's been a really rough day for me. I've been crying off and on since I found out. I'm trying to get through this and think about graduation in a couple of days but this has just sent me on a whirlwind of emotions. I'm not sure what to think. It's just overwhelming at the moment.
The fact is that now I'll be moving on regardless. Wheather it be that I move to University of Arizona or to University of North Texas or. Those are my two options currently. University of Central Oklahoma was a choice at one point but since it's also School Library Media related, it's probably not worth trying there. The programs I'm looking at right now are all for a regular master of library science. The one at UNT is probably more the type of program I'm looking for because they do have an area for Youth Librarianship which is what I ultimately want to be. I still want to be a children's librarian. However, there is also a huge advantage to going to U of A because it's close to my parents and to my brother and his family. Right now, I don't really know which I'll eventually go to.
Of course, it's been a really rough day for me. I've been crying off and on since I found out. I'm trying to get through this and think about graduation in a couple of days but this has just sent me on a whirlwind of emotions. I'm not sure what to think. It's just overwhelming at the moment.
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