I said that I was planning to blog more/write more because of BEDA. However, so far it hasn't been that way. It's really not that I'm not trying but more that I haven't really been able to. With school ending in May and then me being busy this Summer working and also not having a laptop, it's been a bit difficult. Now I'm not going to go into the details of my Summer yet and what I've been doing; that will come in a later blog. Right now, I just have something on my mind that I need to talk about.
Around the beginning of my summer, things happened that while although they didn't affect me directly still make things a bit difficult for me in returning to college. When I go back in a little over a week, I will be on my own more than I have been. My cousin will be moving away and I will no longer have my friends from NM. This is really difficult for me. My cousin was the one who encouraged me to attend the college in the first place. Now he has already said something about this and I know how he feels about it. I don't blame him. It's not his fault. So he will no longer be in the town. This means that I no longer have a place to go to on the weekends. I have to now get me a mailbox and find a laundry mat. Two things that having my cousin living nearby I didn't have to worry about in the first place. Not really a big deal, but still. It's more the fact that I had family nearby and now I won't bothers me. Also, I lived with my cousin during my first semester at the college before I found my own place. That was nice and it's been nice having a family connection.
Another thing that makes it difficult is that while I do have some friends back at college, I won't have my friends from NM. Last Fall, in 2008, I met two girls from NM through my cousin. They're twins and are from a nearby city from where I lived in NM. The fact that they were from NM and were going to be attending the same college made me want to meet them. I met them and we became good friends. Now because of what happened, they are not going back and instead are transferring back here to NM. I found this out today. When I first heard about what happened, I was fairly certain that they wouldn't be going back. I was right, but I think part of me was still hoping that I was wrong and they would go back.
This is what has made it extremely difficult for me to go back even though I know I must. I'm so close to finishing what I started. I only have one more year for my undergrad! I'm so close that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't quit now! I know this, but still going back now, isn't exactly thrilling me at the moment. When I go back, I'm going back to an empty apartment. I'm going back to a place where for the first time since I tranferred over there, I'll be completely on my own. Having my cousin there, while I rarely saw him, helped. So did having friends from around the same place I grew up helped too. The loneliness I had, wasn't so bad because I had something to ease the pain. Now, I won't have either and I'm really afraid that my loneliness will be nearly unbearable now. What keeps me going is the thought that I'm almost finished and how much I've accomplished.
Now some people might be thinking, get over it. Find some new friends or something. Move on with your life. Sure, that might be easy for you. Not for me.
I have a hard time making friends. I always have, even growing up. It's never been easy for me to make friends. It's not like I don't try either. I'm the sort of person that while I don't necessarily like being on my own, I'd much rather be on my own. I never wanted to be in a dorm and have a roommate. It's just not me. That's part of the problem I guess. I never have had a roommate or have had to have one. I went to a community college for a couple of years and just lived at home. When I transferred to my new college back in Spring 2008, I wasn't a freshmen and wasn't required to live in the dorms so I didn't. Perhaps if I had started as a freshmen and had to live in the dorms, I might not be in this situation right now. I know that if I just joined some clubs or something then I would have a better chance of making friends and perhaps be more eager to go back. I have tried to join clubs but have not been very successful. I joined some clubs around the end of my first semester and tried to get involved. However, then I started working and was unable to attend the meetings. Of course, then working and classes starting getting too much for me to handle and so I quit working. However, I still didn't have much time to attend meetings because I was kept busy with my classes and schoolwork. To me, school comes first then fun. Now a new semester is starting up and I'm hoping I'll be able to get involved with some clubs again. However,with the way my schedule looks, it's not exactly promising.
I feel a bit pathetic about how much this upsets me. I'm going to be leaving and I'm not really ready to yet. People keep asking me if I'm ready to go back and I don't really have an answer. I'm not exactly anxious to go back. I'm sure once I'm actually back, I'll feel differently. Right now though, I'm not ready. I've enjoyed my summer a lot, being home and getting a chance to relax. I think part of the reason I'm not ready to go back is because of this. I'm not ready to go back and be alone. Once I get back and get involved with my classes, I'm sure I won't think much about it. I'll survive but I know it's not going to be easy for me.
