Tonight I read a text post by someone else on Tumblr that deeply spoke to me. For me, Tumblr is one of the only two places I feel I can truly be myself. This blog is the second.
Unlike say Twitter and sometimes Facebook, I don't have to change who I am. I can be honest and just be myself.
Because of this post, it's changed how I've been feeling about being myself. I feel I don't need to apologize for what I've said here or anywhere else. It's me. If people don't like what I have to say, that's their problem.
I believe that this video clip/song sums up my feelings quite nicely and so I leave you with that.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
The College Experience I never had
I never had the traditional college expereince. Perhaps this is partially why I'm so alone and have so few college friends. Perhaps this is why I've never truly felt like I was part of any college I've gone to.
I don't think I have ever really wanted "the college expereince" meaning staying in a dorm and having a roommate and everything. It just never was really something I wanted. Or did I?
As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to go to college. That much was always in my mind. However, I don't ever remember having a desire to have a roommate and stay in a dorm. I don't think I ever wanted that.
In fact, up until about my Junior year of High school, I didn't even really have an idea of what I wanted to go to college for much less know where I wanted to go. I guess part of my assumed I would be staying in-state. Perhaps part of me thought I would follow most of my classmates and attend New Mexico State University in Las Cruces. Although at the same time, I never really wanted to go there. Previous knowledge from my older brother and sister-in-law told me that I should avoid going there if possible and go out-of-state.
The more I think about it, the more I remember not ever really wanting to go in-state though I knew it would be better financially for my parents since I could get the lottery scholarship.
I started taking college classes during my senior year of high school. It was great. I got dual credit plus I was finished with most of my requirements by then. I didn't even have to pay for tuition or anything. Just textbooks. By the time I graduated high school, I had a semester's worth of freshman classes already out of the way. It also meant that for much of my senior year, I wasn't actually in my high school. I really was there for only a few classes. One being a guidance office aide and the other being government/econ and my Science Olympiad elective.So while I participated in practically all of the Senior stuff at my high school, I still missed out on some things (like the Senior Class yearbook photo).
After graduation, it was pretty much decided for to stay in my hometown and attend the first couple of years at our community college (a branch of NMSU). This worked out for me. I got to stay home and not have to worry about housing while I worked part-time at our public library and attended classes.
So unlike many freshman, I didn't have to stay in a dorm. I didn't actually have that choice either since it was just a community college and they didn't offer housing anyway. This was pretty much the beginning of my non-traditional college experience. Many of my former high school classmates headed off to the main campus or out-of-state and therefore many of them had the dorm experience.
After a couple of years, I finished up all the requirements for an associate degree (should I have chosen to get the degree) but I decided to hold off for the more important bachelor's degree. I had already decided by then to not attend the main campus. Again, prior knowledge from family members had advised me not to transfer to main campus. Reasons being that such family members had had hassles with credits transferring properly. Despite the fact that the college is a branch of the main campus, there seems to be problems with credits not matching up. I didn't want this to happen to me and again, I never really wanted to attend NMSU. It was just never really an option for me. I had decided to attend Oklahoma State University. By this time, I had decided on being a librarian and I felt that the program at OSU was what I wanting at the time. A cousin of mine used to work at the college and therefore helped me out a great deal. I visited the campus with him and I feel in love with it. When I moved, my cousin had offered me a chance to stay with him for the first semester. He had a house and lived by himself. His job required him to travel around and therefore he wasn't always there. It was nice to have some family around to help me when settling somewhere new since I'd never been away from my parents before.
Had I chosen it, I had the opportunity to stay in a dorm. But I didn't. I had been offered a place to stay and it was family. I felt that was a better option for me. I could have chosen a total stranger in a small room at a college where everything was brand new or a piece of familiarity with family? It wasn't much of a choice in my opinion.
Sure I was still lonely and such but after awhile I found friends and things to do. I loved OSU. I found friends at the campus church I went to and got to know some of the other students. I didn't feel so alone.
After the first semester I found an apartment a couple of blocks away from campus and that's where I stayed for the rest of the time until I graduated.
Now I'm in another apartment and I still have yet to set foot inside a dorm room or even have a roommate. I doubt I ever will. I've visited dorm rooms of some friends of mine. I have even stayed in some. Of course it was only for a weekend and it was for a church event being held on the campus.
I just have never been excited about the thought of having a roommate. It's never really appealed to me. I guess I just like being alone. I like not having someone to have to put up with. I guess the idea of me not getting along with someone is one reason. It's just not all that exciting to me to share a bedroom with a total stranger. Sure if you hit it off with someone that's great but that doesn't always happen. I guess I'm a solo kind of person. I'd rather work by myself than in a team (and I am).
Of course, had I had the experience, I possible would be in a much better shape than I am now. Right now I'm pretty much alone and lonely. I feel as though I can't really relate to anyone because I never had the traditional college experience that many have had. I don't have very many friends that I can relate to. I didn't have to share a place with someone to know whether or not I would be the way I am now. I don't know if having a roommate would make my life easier. Sure I wouldn't be as lonely because I'd have someone to talk to (hopefully) and perhaps do things with.
I guess that's part of why I'm a bit jealous of people too. I never had the traditional college experience and perhaps I'm someone who needed to. Perhaps my life would be much different and better than it is now.
What if?
I don't think I have ever really wanted "the college expereince" meaning staying in a dorm and having a roommate and everything. It just never was really something I wanted. Or did I?
As far back as I can remember, I've always wanted to go to college. That much was always in my mind. However, I don't ever remember having a desire to have a roommate and stay in a dorm. I don't think I ever wanted that.
In fact, up until about my Junior year of High school, I didn't even really have an idea of what I wanted to go to college for much less know where I wanted to go. I guess part of my assumed I would be staying in-state. Perhaps part of me thought I would follow most of my classmates and attend New Mexico State University in Las Cruces. Although at the same time, I never really wanted to go there. Previous knowledge from my older brother and sister-in-law told me that I should avoid going there if possible and go out-of-state.
The more I think about it, the more I remember not ever really wanting to go in-state though I knew it would be better financially for my parents since I could get the lottery scholarship.
I started taking college classes during my senior year of high school. It was great. I got dual credit plus I was finished with most of my requirements by then. I didn't even have to pay for tuition or anything. Just textbooks. By the time I graduated high school, I had a semester's worth of freshman classes already out of the way. It also meant that for much of my senior year, I wasn't actually in my high school. I really was there for only a few classes. One being a guidance office aide and the other being government/econ and my Science Olympiad elective.So while I participated in practically all of the Senior stuff at my high school, I still missed out on some things (like the Senior Class yearbook photo).
After graduation, it was pretty much decided for to stay in my hometown and attend the first couple of years at our community college (a branch of NMSU). This worked out for me. I got to stay home and not have to worry about housing while I worked part-time at our public library and attended classes.
So unlike many freshman, I didn't have to stay in a dorm. I didn't actually have that choice either since it was just a community college and they didn't offer housing anyway. This was pretty much the beginning of my non-traditional college experience. Many of my former high school classmates headed off to the main campus or out-of-state and therefore many of them had the dorm experience.
After a couple of years, I finished up all the requirements for an associate degree (should I have chosen to get the degree) but I decided to hold off for the more important bachelor's degree. I had already decided by then to not attend the main campus. Again, prior knowledge from family members had advised me not to transfer to main campus. Reasons being that such family members had had hassles with credits transferring properly. Despite the fact that the college is a branch of the main campus, there seems to be problems with credits not matching up. I didn't want this to happen to me and again, I never really wanted to attend NMSU. It was just never really an option for me. I had decided to attend Oklahoma State University. By this time, I had decided on being a librarian and I felt that the program at OSU was what I wanting at the time. A cousin of mine used to work at the college and therefore helped me out a great deal. I visited the campus with him and I feel in love with it. When I moved, my cousin had offered me a chance to stay with him for the first semester. He had a house and lived by himself. His job required him to travel around and therefore he wasn't always there. It was nice to have some family around to help me when settling somewhere new since I'd never been away from my parents before.
Had I chosen it, I had the opportunity to stay in a dorm. But I didn't. I had been offered a place to stay and it was family. I felt that was a better option for me. I could have chosen a total stranger in a small room at a college where everything was brand new or a piece of familiarity with family? It wasn't much of a choice in my opinion.
Sure I was still lonely and such but after awhile I found friends and things to do. I loved OSU. I found friends at the campus church I went to and got to know some of the other students. I didn't feel so alone.
After the first semester I found an apartment a couple of blocks away from campus and that's where I stayed for the rest of the time until I graduated.
Now I'm in another apartment and I still have yet to set foot inside a dorm room or even have a roommate. I doubt I ever will. I've visited dorm rooms of some friends of mine. I have even stayed in some. Of course it was only for a weekend and it was for a church event being held on the campus.
I just have never been excited about the thought of having a roommate. It's never really appealed to me. I guess I just like being alone. I like not having someone to have to put up with. I guess the idea of me not getting along with someone is one reason. It's just not all that exciting to me to share a bedroom with a total stranger. Sure if you hit it off with someone that's great but that doesn't always happen. I guess I'm a solo kind of person. I'd rather work by myself than in a team (and I am).
Of course, had I had the experience, I possible would be in a much better shape than I am now. Right now I'm pretty much alone and lonely. I feel as though I can't really relate to anyone because I never had the traditional college experience that many have had. I don't have very many friends that I can relate to. I didn't have to share a place with someone to know whether or not I would be the way I am now. I don't know if having a roommate would make my life easier. Sure I wouldn't be as lonely because I'd have someone to talk to (hopefully) and perhaps do things with.
I guess that's part of why I'm a bit jealous of people too. I never had the traditional college experience and perhaps I'm someone who needed to. Perhaps my life would be much different and better than it is now.
What if?
Thursday, August 25, 2011
An Apology
I can't believe I'm doing this because I honestly feel I did nothing wrong. I was nothing but honest in one of my blog posts and because of my honesty, I happened to upset someone. I wasn't trying to attack anyone or anything. It was just an expression of my feelings and being honest to myself. Putting what I felt down in a blog post, made me feel better and just gave me a chance to make sense of what I was feeling. It wasn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings.
If being honest makes me a bad person, I'm sorry. That's just who I am. If you don't like what I have to say, then I don't deserve to be your friend.
My friendships are extremely important to me. If you can't tell that, then you obviously don't know me.
At the HPA (Harry Potter Alliance) meeting, it was extremely awkward for me to see the personbut pretend they didn't exist. Last time I saw the person IRL, we talked and now it's just awkward. What do you say to someone who you've unintentionally offended? I said nothing and pretty much stayed away from her. But I wanted to say something. I wanted to be friendly.
I still want to say something. I want to make an attempt to be friends. I still want her friendship but I'm not sure she wants the same in return. My feelings haven't changed about what I said. I just want to make everything ok. I want to have a chance to be friends or at least feel like I can acknowledge the person without feeling awkward.
Which is why I'm writing this blog post. I don't know how else to communicate what I'm wanting. I don't think it matters anyway since the person no longer follows my blog.
I'm sorry. If there's any chance we can be friends again, I'd like to give it another chance.
If being honest makes me a bad person, I'm sorry. That's just who I am. If you don't like what I have to say, then I don't deserve to be your friend.
My friendships are extremely important to me. If you can't tell that, then you obviously don't know me.
At the HPA (Harry Potter Alliance) meeting, it was extremely awkward for me to see the personbut pretend they didn't exist. Last time I saw the person IRL, we talked and now it's just awkward. What do you say to someone who you've unintentionally offended? I said nothing and pretty much stayed away from her. But I wanted to say something. I wanted to be friendly.
I still want to say something. I want to make an attempt to be friends. I still want her friendship but I'm not sure she wants the same in return. My feelings haven't changed about what I said. I just want to make everything ok. I want to have a chance to be friends or at least feel like I can acknowledge the person without feeling awkward.
Which is why I'm writing this blog post. I don't know how else to communicate what I'm wanting. I don't think it matters anyway since the person no longer follows my blog.
I'm sorry. If there's any chance we can be friends again, I'd like to give it another chance.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Talented but untalented
I am talented. I cannot deny that fact. Everyone has something they are good at and I'm no different. However, while I admit that I'm talented, I also admit that I'm not THAT talented. While I generally acknowledge that I am talented, I can't help but think and know that there are others out there that are even more talented than I am.
So this is my blog post to both acknowledge and explain away my personal talents.
1.Artist
I love to draw when I can and I'm fairly good at it. I wouldn't by all means say I'm the best artist. I'm far from it. I'm a decent artist I feel. I was in after school art club in Elementary school and I learned a variety of art techniques. I enjoyed it and did a good job. My artwork was fairly decent. I also took 9 weeks of art in 7th grade. I enjoy art and I must be fairly good at it because I've won a contest before. I designed a logo for a Youth Rally event and I won. My logo was used for everything at the rally: t-shirts, badges, posters, flyers, etc. I also designed a logo for a local church retreat during 11th grade. It was my idea but they used it. So I guess I can say that I can at least design logos for things.
2. Writer
This is truly a talent of mine but I still feel that there are others out thee that are better than me. I've been told that I'm a good writer time and time again by family and by teachers. I've won some writing contests as well. I've won some essay contests. I've also been told that I'm good at writing poetry. I'm good enough to have had a writer's website open a new section for young adult writers because of me. I've also been good enough to have been asked to contribute a poem for an X-prize exhibit at our Space Museum in NM and have it still on display. So again, I guess my writing is good too.
3. Musician/Pianist
This is a talent of mine that involved years of practice and hard work. The thing is that I must have been pretty good at it to keep at it so long. That or I finally found something I enjoyed enough to work at it and keep going. I almost gave up but I'm glad I didn't now. I didn't start very young like a lot of pianists. I started when I was in 3rd grade so I was a little late beginning. Still though, I knew as I got older, I got better. At recitals, the younger children would admire me and that's normal. I guess I was also good enough to be the pianist for our church's children's choir and also for the youth group choir. Of course I wasn't that great but people still enjoyed my music anyways.
4. Singer
I'm not going to be on American Idol anytime soon or any of those singing shows. I don't consider myself to be THAT great of a singer. As I've said about most of the other talents, I'm decent. I can sing and I can sing on-key. I was in choir as a child and as a teen. I love singing. Depending on the song, I can be pretty good. Some of the others in youth group choir thought I was one of the better singers and they loved how on one particular song, I just sang really nice. Basically, I'm not a horrible singer but I'm don't consider myself a great one either.
So these are all the talents that I have and can show something for. I have others and I know that I do.
Also I've noticed how many of them are artistic related. This doesn't really surprise me. It's who I am. I'm an artistic person and I like that about myself.
I don't see myself winning any talent or singing shows anytime soon or even entering them. I may not be great or even the best but I enjoy what I do and that's all that should matter.
So this is my blog post to both acknowledge and explain away my personal talents.
1.Artist
I love to draw when I can and I'm fairly good at it. I wouldn't by all means say I'm the best artist. I'm far from it. I'm a decent artist I feel. I was in after school art club in Elementary school and I learned a variety of art techniques. I enjoyed it and did a good job. My artwork was fairly decent. I also took 9 weeks of art in 7th grade. I enjoy art and I must be fairly good at it because I've won a contest before. I designed a logo for a Youth Rally event and I won. My logo was used for everything at the rally: t-shirts, badges, posters, flyers, etc. I also designed a logo for a local church retreat during 11th grade. It was my idea but they used it. So I guess I can say that I can at least design logos for things.
2. Writer
This is truly a talent of mine but I still feel that there are others out thee that are better than me. I've been told that I'm a good writer time and time again by family and by teachers. I've won some writing contests as well. I've won some essay contests. I've also been told that I'm good at writing poetry. I'm good enough to have had a writer's website open a new section for young adult writers because of me. I've also been good enough to have been asked to contribute a poem for an X-prize exhibit at our Space Museum in NM and have it still on display. So again, I guess my writing is good too.
3. Musician/Pianist
This is a talent of mine that involved years of practice and hard work. The thing is that I must have been pretty good at it to keep at it so long. That or I finally found something I enjoyed enough to work at it and keep going. I almost gave up but I'm glad I didn't now. I didn't start very young like a lot of pianists. I started when I was in 3rd grade so I was a little late beginning. Still though, I knew as I got older, I got better. At recitals, the younger children would admire me and that's normal. I guess I was also good enough to be the pianist for our church's children's choir and also for the youth group choir. Of course I wasn't that great but people still enjoyed my music anyways.
4. Singer
I'm not going to be on American Idol anytime soon or any of those singing shows. I don't consider myself to be THAT great of a singer. As I've said about most of the other talents, I'm decent. I can sing and I can sing on-key. I was in choir as a child and as a teen. I love singing. Depending on the song, I can be pretty good. Some of the others in youth group choir thought I was one of the better singers and they loved how on one particular song, I just sang really nice. Basically, I'm not a horrible singer but I'm don't consider myself a great one either.
So these are all the talents that I have and can show something for. I have others and I know that I do.
Also I've noticed how many of them are artistic related. This doesn't really surprise me. It's who I am. I'm an artistic person and I like that about myself.
I don't see myself winning any talent or singing shows anytime soon or even entering them. I may not be great or even the best but I enjoy what I do and that's all that should matter.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Packing
I sit here and stare at the pile of things that I need to pack by tomorrow evening. I have no motivation to pack whatsoever. I don't want my summer to end and by packing that's exactly what it means. It means going back to my apartment and going back to the loneliness and everything. It means the end of summer and the beginning of getting back to normality. I don't really want to leave but I don't have a choice.
"I wish we could just stay here, Harry. Grow old together."
It's not so much that I want to stay home forever. I don't. There's nothing here for me in my hometown anyway. I really don't have a choice but to go somewhere else. It's just not possible for me to achieve my dreams by staying here. Despite the fact that I'm don't currently have a job, the opportunities are definitely a lot better for me in Denton.
It's just that I've grown extremely comfortable. I don't have to feel lonely being home. And that's actually part of the problem. I've gotten used to being home again so much that the reality of going back to being a grown up is scary.
There's also reason for not going back. If you've read any of my blog posts, you already know. I've made it abundantly clear. So much so that I'm sure you're quite sick of hearing about it.
Tonight my dad said something that made me think. He asked me if I'm looking forward to going back. I told him no. What do I have to look forward to? That's really what it comes down to. What do I have to look forward to? A lonely apartment? A lack of social life? No friends? No job? Burying myself in my schoolwork because I have nothing else to look forward to? Yeah. That's about it.
Nothing about going back thrills me. There's really nothing for me in Denton. Sure there's school. But while I enjoy my classes, I've gotten to the point where I'm just ready to be done with school completely. Not necessarily ready to start a career or anything. I'm just ready to be done with school for a while. There's still the possibility I might go back. After all I still want to get a couple of minors.
With the way things have been going back in Denton for me, it's even a wonder why I'm still there. I don't get it. I don't get why I can't make things different for myself. It's like a there's a block that prevents me from changing things.
No matter how long I look at the piles of everything waiting to be packed I know I have to do it. I have to get back to my own life even though it's going to be difficult (curse my social anxiety). This semester is going to be difficult for me emotionally and I already know this. If I ever expect to change my life or eventually even meet someone, I know I have to get out there.
I have to start someone even if it is as simple as packing up my bags. I guess it's time....
"I wish we could just stay here, Harry. Grow old together."
It's not so much that I want to stay home forever. I don't. There's nothing here for me in my hometown anyway. I really don't have a choice but to go somewhere else. It's just not possible for me to achieve my dreams by staying here. Despite the fact that I'm don't currently have a job, the opportunities are definitely a lot better for me in Denton.
It's just that I've grown extremely comfortable. I don't have to feel lonely being home. And that's actually part of the problem. I've gotten used to being home again so much that the reality of going back to being a grown up is scary.
There's also reason for not going back. If you've read any of my blog posts, you already know. I've made it abundantly clear. So much so that I'm sure you're quite sick of hearing about it.
Tonight my dad said something that made me think. He asked me if I'm looking forward to going back. I told him no. What do I have to look forward to? That's really what it comes down to. What do I have to look forward to? A lonely apartment? A lack of social life? No friends? No job? Burying myself in my schoolwork because I have nothing else to look forward to? Yeah. That's about it.
Nothing about going back thrills me. There's really nothing for me in Denton. Sure there's school. But while I enjoy my classes, I've gotten to the point where I'm just ready to be done with school completely. Not necessarily ready to start a career or anything. I'm just ready to be done with school for a while. There's still the possibility I might go back. After all I still want to get a couple of minors.
With the way things have been going back in Denton for me, it's even a wonder why I'm still there. I don't get it. I don't get why I can't make things different for myself. It's like a there's a block that prevents me from changing things.
No matter how long I look at the piles of everything waiting to be packed I know I have to do it. I have to get back to my own life even though it's going to be difficult (curse my social anxiety). This semester is going to be difficult for me emotionally and I already know this. If I ever expect to change my life or eventually even meet someone, I know I have to get out there.
I have to start someone even if it is as simple as packing up my bags. I guess it's time....
Monday, August 15, 2011
Concerned about my blog style
I look at other blogs and I sometimes wonder about my own style. I wonder if my blogs are too boring.
I realize that much of my style is "diary-like" or "journal-like" meaning I tell mostly about my day and sometimes throw the occasionally thought-provoking note in them. This is my style and it works for me. Mostly. I feel that even though my blogs tend to be mostly recaps of my day, I still feel as though they are interesting. I try to make them interesting.
Sometimes though I long for the wonderful narratives and though provoking entries that some of my friends post. Their posts just seem much more exciting compared to mine. I fear as though my posts are too boring. That they aren't interesting enough to read. That sometimes my life isn't as exciting as theirs.
Occasionally I feel as though I have a thought provoking blog post but then when I look back later, I feel as though it wasn't really as thought-provoking or interesting as I had hoped.
I wonder if anyone even is remotely interested in what I have to say.
Why would they be? It's not like I'm an extremely interesting person I feel.
Whatever I write, comes from the heart. I write because it's a sort of therapy for me. It's a way to make sense of things going on in my life and to remember some days that I feel are important. In some ways, I feel as thought there is something special in even the most ordinary of days,. Even if my blog posts are no more than mere recaps of everyday, I feel as though they deserve to be written down and shared with others.
I consider myself a writer. I AM a writer. I love writing. I have for a long time. For me, writing is just a part of who I am. I'm used to the journal or diary type of writing. I used to do that on a regular basis when I was younger and still return to it on occasion. The feel of physically writing with paper and pencil and the words flowing from my mind through the pencil onto the paper, is one that I still enjoy. Yet, even though I still enjoy the regular paper and pencil style of writing, my writing has made way to the digital world of blogging.
For me typing has become a much faster way for me to keep up with my thoughts. I can type almost as fast as I can think of the words I want to say.
I guess it comes down to just being myself and blogging about who I am. So what if what I have to say is boring at times. It's my style. It's who I am. Granted it's a lot easier to be someone I'm not and to want to be more interesting. So what if I don't have a "theme" to blog about like other bloggers do. I know I talked about this is a BEDA (Blog Every Day April) post. Some people feel they need a theme to write about everyday. Something that will make their blogs stand out. Mine isn't like that. Sometimes I have a theme but other times it's just random musings from my mind.
Even after all this, I still kinda feel as though my blog isn't worthy of being read. I guess I'm interesting to some people or at least I hope I am.
In the end though, it's me that I should be blogging for. Not anyone else. If what I write, makes me feel better or makes me happy, than that should be all that really matters.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Comforts of home and leaving
*sigh*
For the past couple of days, I've been feeling really sad about leaving and going back to Denton. I leave on Thursday and I'm not wanting to.
The thing is that I've gotten extremely comfortable being home. I have my family and I enjoy being surrounded by people who love and care about me. I'm not lonely like I am in Denton.
You think by now I would be used to coming home and then leaving again but apparently not. It's always been hard for me to leave my family but I feel as though it's gotten worse since I moved to Denton.
When I lived in Oklahoma, sure it was hard to leave family but it wasn't nearly this bad. I think it's because when I first moved to Oklahoma, I had family to help me out. A cousin of mine worked as a coach for the university and offered me a chance to stay with him the first semester. After that I got my own apartment. I still had family to keep an eye out for me and I would go by his house every once in awhile. Then he moved away when I had a year left in my program. But by then, I was starting to settle in. I had gotton to know people through my classes and through church and things were pretty good. I feel as though I was finally comfortable and happy. But then things happened and sudden my life was thrown into chaos. I had to move suddenly.
Once I got into the program at UNT, we moved my stuff from Oklahoma to Denton. It's only about 4 hours away. This time though, I was completely starting on my own. I didn't know anyone in Denton at all. I still don't know a whole lot of people or have any real friends. With my online classes, it makes it that much harder anyways.
At least when I was in Oklahoma, I had face-to-face classes and therefore, I got to talk to people. Also, the church was more student friendly. They actually had a campus church and Newman center for the college students. The church I found in Denton, while it's nice and everything, it isn't the same. It's not a college church either but the college church isn't that fascinating to me either. The Newman Center is off-campus and the church is shared by other religions. I have not even a clue where on campus the church actually is nor have I ever been.
I have issues when it comes to making friends. Plus I have a bit of social anxiety. Whether that anxiety has increased a lot after what happened or not, I'm not 100% positive, but I'm almost certain that it has. I'm sure it's also because of that incident, that I'm even more reluctant to leave. I'm not wanting to go back to the state of fear that I was living with. Of course, I don't ever know if I'd be ready to go back to that.
I've been told that things are and will be different this semester and it makes me upset. I realize that things have to change and I realize I need to break away and be my own person, that doesn't mean I want it to happen. It's already been hard just thinking about it. I can't help but break down thinking about everything. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me. Part of me can't help but wish I didn't have to be such a grown up at times.
I know that someday I have to grow up and move on. I know I have to get out and meet people and be more social. I have to get out of my comfort zone and be more adventurous. I know this but for some reason I just feel like I can't do it.
For the past couple of days, I've been feeling really sad about leaving and going back to Denton. I leave on Thursday and I'm not wanting to.
The thing is that I've gotten extremely comfortable being home. I have my family and I enjoy being surrounded by people who love and care about me. I'm not lonely like I am in Denton.
You think by now I would be used to coming home and then leaving again but apparently not. It's always been hard for me to leave my family but I feel as though it's gotten worse since I moved to Denton.
When I lived in Oklahoma, sure it was hard to leave family but it wasn't nearly this bad. I think it's because when I first moved to Oklahoma, I had family to help me out. A cousin of mine worked as a coach for the university and offered me a chance to stay with him the first semester. After that I got my own apartment. I still had family to keep an eye out for me and I would go by his house every once in awhile. Then he moved away when I had a year left in my program. But by then, I was starting to settle in. I had gotton to know people through my classes and through church and things were pretty good. I feel as though I was finally comfortable and happy. But then things happened and sudden my life was thrown into chaos. I had to move suddenly.
Once I got into the program at UNT, we moved my stuff from Oklahoma to Denton. It's only about 4 hours away. This time though, I was completely starting on my own. I didn't know anyone in Denton at all. I still don't know a whole lot of people or have any real friends. With my online classes, it makes it that much harder anyways.
At least when I was in Oklahoma, I had face-to-face classes and therefore, I got to talk to people. Also, the church was more student friendly. They actually had a campus church and Newman center for the college students. The church I found in Denton, while it's nice and everything, it isn't the same. It's not a college church either but the college church isn't that fascinating to me either. The Newman Center is off-campus and the church is shared by other religions. I have not even a clue where on campus the church actually is nor have I ever been.
I have issues when it comes to making friends. Plus I have a bit of social anxiety. Whether that anxiety has increased a lot after what happened or not, I'm not 100% positive, but I'm almost certain that it has. I'm sure it's also because of that incident, that I'm even more reluctant to leave. I'm not wanting to go back to the state of fear that I was living with. Of course, I don't ever know if I'd be ready to go back to that.
I've been told that things are and will be different this semester and it makes me upset. I realize that things have to change and I realize I need to break away and be my own person, that doesn't mean I want it to happen. It's already been hard just thinking about it. I can't help but break down thinking about everything. I just wish it wasn't so hard for me. Part of me can't help but wish I didn't have to be such a grown up at times.
I know that someday I have to grow up and move on. I know I have to get out and meet people and be more social. I have to get out of my comfort zone and be more adventurous. I know this but for some reason I just feel like I can't do it.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Invisible Friend (Updated 8/16 with Addendum)
"If I was invisible, wait, I already am"
This song lyric basically sums up how I'm feeling tonight. I feel invisible, specifically I feel like I'm an invisible friend. Tonight, something happened that just made me feel as though I wasn't important anymore. Like the friendship I had with someone no longer mattered. It's crazy and a bit stupid that I feel this way but I can't seem to help it.
I realize that it's not this person's fault and I'm sorry if I make you feel bad with this blog post. Look, it's really me and not this person. I get that this person is really excited about things and I would be too. The thing is that lately I just feel as though they've gotten too excited to remember that I'm there too. That we were interfriends too. I realize that the other person has been there a lot more for the person, but I'm still here too, waiting and willing to comfort.
The thing is that the person is younger than me and so is the other person. It's hard for me to feel part of their friendship. (Well technically, I'm only really friends with one of them). I'm not blaming them or anything. In fact part of me is happy that at least they became friends. I think the problem is that I'm really just jealous. I'm jealous that I can't have a friendship like they do. I'm jealous that they at least have friends that live close to them. Even if it is ,so far, just each other. I wish I could have that kind of friendship myself.
The thing is they're luckier than me. It took me awhile to find friends that lived close to me when I was an undergrad. They already have each other and they can share in similar experiences more than I can. I'm a graduate student and have experienced so much more than they have. I've already finished my undergraduate degree and they just barely began. My experiences are just so much different. Despite the fact that they both eventually will end up in the same degree program as I'm currently studying, they still seem to have a lot more in common.
I've tried to be friends with them but I end up feeling like a third wheel. It's a feeling that I experienced all too often back in 8th grade and I came to just hate it. I don't want to feel like that. You know the saying "Two's a company and three's a crowd?" That's exactly how I feel. I feel as though I'm intruding. That I don't deserve to be there and that I'm getting shoved aside. It's a terrible feeling. Which is why part of me would rather not have to deal with it. (Although I don't seem to experience this problem when there's 4 people that are good friends? Perhaps because it evens out.)
I think I'm also just a bit overprotective of my friends when it comes to it. I've always struggled to make and keep friends. It's never been easy for me. It's happened so much that when I finally do make friends, I tend to be a bit more attached to them than probably normal. I get so protective that sometimes I get jealous if someone else comes in and starts to be good friends with one of MY friends. It feels as though they are intruding and stealing my friend away from me. I realize I'm being extremely stupid feeling this way.. I know people have a right to make other friends. It's just seems to be harder for me to let that happen and especially to some of my good friends.
There's also this issue that I've had a lot of friends break my trust throughout the years. I think this could be another reason why I'm so overprotective. I feel that the friends I make, I can trust and I'm extremely loyal to them. I feel as though part of that loyalty is lost when they start drifting toward other friends. I feel as though I am a good friend but sometimes I feel as though I'm not good enough. In 8th grade, I had friends that would keep secrets from me because they felt I wasn't worthy or "mature" enough to hear them (in their opinion).
I feel as though I'm a terrible friend to keep my friends from making other friends. I feel terrible for making them feel terrible for spending time with these other friends (I never intended that). It's just me.
Look, I realize I'm not a horrible friend. I know this. I've had friends who've told me I'm not and that has made me feel better. Yet sometimes when things like this get in my mind, I can' t help but feel unworthy.
I shall end this entry with a couple of Tumbr confessions quotes that express how I feel about friends:
" I wish I had friends as close and good and made of awesome as the fiveawesomegirls are" -nerdfighterconfessions *
"I've always wanted a friendship like the Trio's. More than anything"-harrypotterconfessions
*I think I've found some of them though and they are extremely awesome.
Addendum: I assure you this is my problem not anyone else's. I'm not trying to attack anyone personally. I'm sorry if I offended anyone or make it seem as though I'm saying I own you. I don't and I know I don't. You can't own someone. Things have just been difficult for me lately and it reached the point to where I felt I couldn't take anymore. It's simply just things happening at the wrong time for me and being tough to handle. I don't think anyone is trying to spite me or anything. In the end, this is all my problem and no one elses. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I've experienced this before. This is just me and my thoughts on how I'm feeling about a situation. This is me being honest to myself.
This song lyric basically sums up how I'm feeling tonight. I feel invisible, specifically I feel like I'm an invisible friend. Tonight, something happened that just made me feel as though I wasn't important anymore. Like the friendship I had with someone no longer mattered. It's crazy and a bit stupid that I feel this way but I can't seem to help it.
I realize that it's not this person's fault and I'm sorry if I make you feel bad with this blog post. Look, it's really me and not this person. I get that this person is really excited about things and I would be too. The thing is that lately I just feel as though they've gotten too excited to remember that I'm there too. That we were interfriends too. I realize that the other person has been there a lot more for the person, but I'm still here too, waiting and willing to comfort.
The thing is that the person is younger than me and so is the other person. It's hard for me to feel part of their friendship. (Well technically, I'm only really friends with one of them). I'm not blaming them or anything. In fact part of me is happy that at least they became friends. I think the problem is that I'm really just jealous. I'm jealous that I can't have a friendship like they do. I'm jealous that they at least have friends that live close to them. Even if it is ,so far, just each other. I wish I could have that kind of friendship myself.
The thing is they're luckier than me. It took me awhile to find friends that lived close to me when I was an undergrad. They already have each other and they can share in similar experiences more than I can. I'm a graduate student and have experienced so much more than they have. I've already finished my undergraduate degree and they just barely began. My experiences are just so much different. Despite the fact that they both eventually will end up in the same degree program as I'm currently studying, they still seem to have a lot more in common.
I've tried to be friends with them but I end up feeling like a third wheel. It's a feeling that I experienced all too often back in 8th grade and I came to just hate it. I don't want to feel like that. You know the saying "Two's a company and three's a crowd?" That's exactly how I feel. I feel as though I'm intruding. That I don't deserve to be there and that I'm getting shoved aside. It's a terrible feeling. Which is why part of me would rather not have to deal with it. (Although I don't seem to experience this problem when there's 4 people that are good friends? Perhaps because it evens out.)
I think I'm also just a bit overprotective of my friends when it comes to it. I've always struggled to make and keep friends. It's never been easy for me. It's happened so much that when I finally do make friends, I tend to be a bit more attached to them than probably normal. I get so protective that sometimes I get jealous if someone else comes in and starts to be good friends with one of MY friends. It feels as though they are intruding and stealing my friend away from me. I realize I'm being extremely stupid feeling this way.. I know people have a right to make other friends. It's just seems to be harder for me to let that happen and especially to some of my good friends.
There's also this issue that I've had a lot of friends break my trust throughout the years. I think this could be another reason why I'm so overprotective. I feel that the friends I make, I can trust and I'm extremely loyal to them. I feel as though part of that loyalty is lost when they start drifting toward other friends. I feel as though I am a good friend but sometimes I feel as though I'm not good enough. In 8th grade, I had friends that would keep secrets from me because they felt I wasn't worthy or "mature" enough to hear them (in their opinion).
I feel as though I'm a terrible friend to keep my friends from making other friends. I feel terrible for making them feel terrible for spending time with these other friends (I never intended that). It's just me.
Look, I realize I'm not a horrible friend. I know this. I've had friends who've told me I'm not and that has made me feel better. Yet sometimes when things like this get in my mind, I can' t help but feel unworthy.
I shall end this entry with a couple of Tumbr confessions quotes that express how I feel about friends:
" I wish I had friends as close and good and made of awesome as the fiveawesomegirls are" -nerdfighterconfessions *
"I've always wanted a friendship like the Trio's. More than anything"-harrypotterconfessions
*I think I've found some of them though and they are extremely awesome.
Addendum: I assure you this is my problem not anyone else's. I'm not trying to attack anyone personally. I'm sorry if I offended anyone or make it seem as though I'm saying I own you. I don't and I know I don't. You can't own someone. Things have just been difficult for me lately and it reached the point to where I felt I couldn't take anymore. It's simply just things happening at the wrong time for me and being tough to handle. I don't think anyone is trying to spite me or anything. In the end, this is all my problem and no one elses. This isn't the first time this has happened to me. I've experienced this before. This is just me and my thoughts on how I'm feeling about a situation. This is me being honest to myself.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
RIP Youtube Account
So tonight I received an email and notification regarding a copyright infringement on one of the videos on my old YouTube account. Now I have a strike against both of my accounts. If I get 2 more, both my accounts will be deleted.
The video in question has been online since 2008. I haven't even logged into my other account in months! The other account used to be my primary account a long time ago. It was the account I originally joined YouTube with. But then I created a second account and eventually made that account my primary account. I rarely log into my other account anymore.
The other account was one where I created artist specific music videos. I basically took concert footage and original music video footage, cut them up, added some effects in Windows Movie Maker, and set it all to newer remixes of the original music videos. I even made some videos for songs that never had music videos. I never made the videos for profit or anything. I just did it for fun and others enjoyed them. I always thought that what I was doing was "fair use"especially since I'd seen others doing the same. Apparently I was wrong.
When YouTube really started cracking down on copyright, several of my videos were tagged. However, up until now, none of them were serious. Apparently the third-parties didn't mind what I was doing because my videos were still made available for viewing. Once one of my videos was tagged but then when I went back, the claim or whatever was dropped. Now however, this video has been disabled and a strike on copyright infringement is on both my accounts.
I made the decision tonight to remove all the videos on my other account; removing any chance that another video would get flagged and another strike against me. So that's what I've been doing for the past couple of hours. I had 33 videos up and am now down to 25. This includes a video I made to my subscribers notifying them of what happened. I'm taking screen caps of all the comments and ratings for memories.
It's not really a big deal for me. As I said, I rarely ever log into my other account anymore. I haven't uploaded any new videos in months. I just don't have time to make any new videos anymore since I'm so busy with school. Also since the copyright crackdown, I've just lost motivation. It's not worth it anymore. But still, all the work that went into building up my other account with the subscribers and views and everything is a bit heartbreaking. It was a great account but I think it's time for it to come to an end. I'd rather be safe than sorry by deleting all the videos and essentially cleaning out my account.
For now, I plan to keep the account. I'm not sure if I'll ever use it again but who knows?
RIP "old" YouTube account. It was great while it lasted.
The video in question has been online since 2008. I haven't even logged into my other account in months! The other account used to be my primary account a long time ago. It was the account I originally joined YouTube with. But then I created a second account and eventually made that account my primary account. I rarely log into my other account anymore.
The other account was one where I created artist specific music videos. I basically took concert footage and original music video footage, cut them up, added some effects in Windows Movie Maker, and set it all to newer remixes of the original music videos. I even made some videos for songs that never had music videos. I never made the videos for profit or anything. I just did it for fun and others enjoyed them. I always thought that what I was doing was "fair use"especially since I'd seen others doing the same. Apparently I was wrong.
When YouTube really started cracking down on copyright, several of my videos were tagged. However, up until now, none of them were serious. Apparently the third-parties didn't mind what I was doing because my videos were still made available for viewing. Once one of my videos was tagged but then when I went back, the claim or whatever was dropped. Now however, this video has been disabled and a strike on copyright infringement is on both my accounts.
I made the decision tonight to remove all the videos on my other account; removing any chance that another video would get flagged and another strike against me. So that's what I've been doing for the past couple of hours. I had 33 videos up and am now down to 25. This includes a video I made to my subscribers notifying them of what happened. I'm taking screen caps of all the comments and ratings for memories.
It's not really a big deal for me. As I said, I rarely ever log into my other account anymore. I haven't uploaded any new videos in months. I just don't have time to make any new videos anymore since I'm so busy with school. Also since the copyright crackdown, I've just lost motivation. It's not worth it anymore. But still, all the work that went into building up my other account with the subscribers and views and everything is a bit heartbreaking. It was a great account but I think it's time for it to come to an end. I'd rather be safe than sorry by deleting all the videos and essentially cleaning out my account.
For now, I plan to keep the account. I'm not sure if I'll ever use it again but who knows?
RIP "old" YouTube account. It was great while it lasted.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Lack of School Spirit
So apparently UNT is trying to start a chapter of Harry Potter Alliance. Oddly though, this doesn't excite me nearly as much as it should But it is Harry Potter related and I SHOULD be excited about it. What's wrong with me?!
Quite honestly I just don't feel any loyalty or school spirit toward the University. I don't really understand it. I feel as though it's just a school that I'm going to so I can finish my degree. My master's classes are all online so I have no real need to go to campus. I don't even have really a need to be in Denton. (I'm there to try and have a better opportunity to find a job but no luck yet). Quite honestly, I'm feeling a bit of hatred toward the University and quite honestly toward Denton. I don't really like it there that much.
It's just that I don't know anyone whatsoever there. I know a couple of people now (neighbors and public library staff). But otherwise no one really friendwise. There's no one I can really talk to. I'm lonely. I knew part of this all is my doing. Actually most of it is. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I know things happened since moving to Denton that have had an impact on me. Things that have possibly made things worse for me.
I feel as though I'm unhappy with my life in Denton but don't know how to fix it. I return to my own apartment on the 18th. I'm not ready to. I don't want to go back to the loneliness. I just really don't want to be unhappy anymore but don't really know how to begin fixing it.
I've already been told by my parents that things will be different this semester. Things are going to be emotionally challenging for me. I know such things have to happen in order for me to grow up but I just don't know.
I just want to know why it's so hard for me. Why I feel so bitter and such hatred toward Denton (I don't really) . I just want to make sense of it all.
Quite honestly I just don't feel any loyalty or school spirit toward the University. I don't really understand it. I feel as though it's just a school that I'm going to so I can finish my degree. My master's classes are all online so I have no real need to go to campus. I don't even have really a need to be in Denton. (I'm there to try and have a better opportunity to find a job but no luck yet). Quite honestly, I'm feeling a bit of hatred toward the University and quite honestly toward Denton. I don't really like it there that much.
It's just that I don't know anyone whatsoever there. I know a couple of people now (neighbors and public library staff). But otherwise no one really friendwise. There's no one I can really talk to. I'm lonely. I knew part of this all is my doing. Actually most of it is. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I know things happened since moving to Denton that have had an impact on me. Things that have possibly made things worse for me.
I feel as though I'm unhappy with my life in Denton but don't know how to fix it. I return to my own apartment on the 18th. I'm not ready to. I don't want to go back to the loneliness. I just really don't want to be unhappy anymore but don't really know how to begin fixing it.
I've already been told by my parents that things will be different this semester. Things are going to be emotionally challenging for me. I know such things have to happen in order for me to grow up but I just don't know.
I just want to know why it's so hard for me. Why I feel so bitter and such hatred toward Denton (I don't really) . I just want to make sense of it all.
Friday, August 5, 2011
More Harry Potter!
"Everything is Harry Potter and everything hurts"
This week my hometown public library showed all the Harry Potter films that are out on DVD. I was unable to go on Monday due to my having an eye doctor appointment but I went for the rest of the week.
I didn't actually stay for all the movies or for even most of a movie except for Goblet of Fire. I'd already watched most of the films in a pre-final movie marathon and therefore I didn't really need to watch all of them again. (Though to be quite honest, I still haven't watched all of 5, 6, and 7.1 yet this summer).
The main reason I went was because of the trivia contest that was going on. I had gone to the library on Tuesday just to pick up some books. The library staff know I'm a HUGE Harry Potter fan and at first I had been told I wouldn't be allowed to participate since it was only for kids. However, they changed the rules and I was allowed to participate (although I told them they really shouldn't let me participate).
The trivia questions weren't all easy and in fact to be quite honest, I had to go locate some of the books to double check some of the answers. The thing is though, I knew exactly which book and where in the book I needed to look in order to find the answer. So technically I don't feel as though I was cheating. Some of the questions that stumped me were: "What is Severus Snape's mother's first name?" "How many secret passages are there out of Hogwarts, including those that are now blocked?" (I was unsure about the number on this one) "How many questions were on Lockhart's first quiz?" and "What year was dragon breeding outlawed ?"(this one I had to ask someone else for the answer because I absolutely did not know!). Bonus questions were to name the Patronuses for certain characters. The ones that I couldn't remember were : Ernie McMillan and Cho Chang. Now that I know/found all the answers for all the questions I struggled with though, I know I won't forget them. Just some more facts to add to my knowledge of Harry Potter.
So because I got the majority of the trivia sheets correct, I won prizes. (except for Monday since I couldn't be there although I did answer the trivia sheet for that day). I won a Time Turner Sticker Kit and a Harry Potter Sticker Kit, a Harry Potter Poster book and awesome bookmark, and two bobbleheads: Harry and Hermione.
I really didn't care a lot about the prizes or if I won. I mainly just wanted to test myself to see how much Harry Potter information I actually knew. I'm actually surprised that I know that much. It's not all just the main facts I know either, some of the facts I knew are pretty obscure. It's awesome though!
Really though, I just had an awesome time this week. It's Harry Potter. What more do I have to say!? I loved it!
The magic will never end for me..
This week my hometown public library showed all the Harry Potter films that are out on DVD. I was unable to go on Monday due to my having an eye doctor appointment but I went for the rest of the week.
I didn't actually stay for all the movies or for even most of a movie except for Goblet of Fire. I'd already watched most of the films in a pre-final movie marathon and therefore I didn't really need to watch all of them again. (Though to be quite honest, I still haven't watched all of 5, 6, and 7.1 yet this summer).
The main reason I went was because of the trivia contest that was going on. I had gone to the library on Tuesday just to pick up some books. The library staff know I'm a HUGE Harry Potter fan and at first I had been told I wouldn't be allowed to participate since it was only for kids. However, they changed the rules and I was allowed to participate (although I told them they really shouldn't let me participate).
The trivia questions weren't all easy and in fact to be quite honest, I had to go locate some of the books to double check some of the answers. The thing is though, I knew exactly which book and where in the book I needed to look in order to find the answer. So technically I don't feel as though I was cheating. Some of the questions that stumped me were: "What is Severus Snape's mother's first name?" "How many secret passages are there out of Hogwarts, including those that are now blocked?" (I was unsure about the number on this one) "How many questions were on Lockhart's first quiz?" and "What year was dragon breeding outlawed ?"(this one I had to ask someone else for the answer because I absolutely did not know!). Bonus questions were to name the Patronuses for certain characters. The ones that I couldn't remember were : Ernie McMillan and Cho Chang. Now that I know/found all the answers for all the questions I struggled with though, I know I won't forget them. Just some more facts to add to my knowledge of Harry Potter.
So because I got the majority of the trivia sheets correct, I won prizes. (except for Monday since I couldn't be there although I did answer the trivia sheet for that day). I won a Time Turner Sticker Kit and a Harry Potter Sticker Kit, a Harry Potter Poster book and awesome bookmark, and two bobbleheads: Harry and Hermione.
I really didn't care a lot about the prizes or if I won. I mainly just wanted to test myself to see how much Harry Potter information I actually knew. I'm actually surprised that I know that much. It's not all just the main facts I know either, some of the facts I knew are pretty obscure. It's awesome though!
Really though, I just had an awesome time this week. It's Harry Potter. What more do I have to say!? I loved it!
The magic will never end for me..
Monday, August 1, 2011
Eye problems (and Pottermore!)
So today is the start of Blog Every Day August. I really don't plan on doing it. Especially since I have another blog that I have yet to complete for my summer class and I really haven't started on it yet. It's due on the 12th. Also, I have a storytime that I have to complete by Sunday and I'm having trouble finding someplace to do the storytime. So really I don't have time to actually participate but that doesn't mean that I can't blog. Who knows, I could end up writing everyday but I'm not counting on it.
First item of business on today's list is that I got into Pottermore last night (actually early this morning!)! I'm so excited that I got in! I'm a witch now! YAY!! I can' t wait to see what it's all about. Of course I could've gotten in yesterday. I was just too tired to stay awake and I didn't think the clue would be up that early. So long story short, I missed out getting in on Day 1. Which really bothered me because practically everyone else I knew had gotten in on Day 1 including my brother and sister-in-law. But now I'm in and I'm super happy about it! Last night, I stayed up really late. I was up until at least 2AM waiting with several tabs open on my computer: Pottermore website, the quill Pottermore website, Twitter, Pottermore clue Tumblr, , "pottermore clue" tag tracked on Tumblr, and World Clock of UK time. I was tired and decided to get a little bit of sleep but set my alarm for 3:30AM. It's a good thing I did because the clue appeared at around 3AM. I'd only missed it by about 30minutes. Thanks to the tracked tags, I already knew what the answer was. Due to the high traffic, I couldn't actually get to the clue and just went straight to the answer page to find the quill and start registering. So exciting! I finally got in! I went back to sleep after all the excitement was over since I had an eye doctor's appointment later. I thought it wouldn't be a good idea to be really tired.
That was the other excitement of the day: My eye doctor's appointment. Right now, I'm having trouble seeing properly since they dilated my eyes. so bear with me. I'll be amazed if this blog turns out to have no typos. That'll take talent. My eye doctor is in El Paso and so my dad and I drove over there. I've been having trouble seeing lately. Things seem to shift when I look at them. I've been compensating by either closing my left eye or by putting my hand up to my nose because it seems to help. I've been really having problems since last October but they seem to have gotten worse. My eye doctor is almost always so busy and you have to wait awhile. A lot of waiting is involved.
They run tests and dilate my eyes and then I have to wait some more and then they do more tests. It turns out that my left eye is crossing to the point where prisms won't help anymore. I used to have prisms in my glasses to help with this problem when I had problems in 10th grade but now they wouldn't help. It turns out that I'm going to need eye muscle surgery to correct the problem.
I'm already nervous about the surgery and it's not even officially set yet (the doctor still needs to look at my records). I've had eye surgery before (back when I was little) but I don't remember it. Although, I'm nervous about it, I realize that it needs to be done if I ever want to see properly again. The plan is that I'd have the surgery in December during my winter break and before Christmas. I'm not sure what to expect. I just hope after it's over, I'll be able to see properly again.
That was my excitement of the day. I'm extremely tired now. I think it's a combination of staying up late and lack of sleep plus the drops in my eyes from the eye doctor.For some reason though, I generally am a bit tired after an eye doctor's appointment. A bit weird but true.
Hope this didn't bore you too much.
First item of business on today's list is that I got into Pottermore last night (actually early this morning!)! I'm so excited that I got in! I'm a witch now! YAY!! I can' t wait to see what it's all about. Of course I could've gotten in yesterday. I was just too tired to stay awake and I didn't think the clue would be up that early. So long story short, I missed out getting in on Day 1. Which really bothered me because practically everyone else I knew had gotten in on Day 1 including my brother and sister-in-law. But now I'm in and I'm super happy about it! Last night, I stayed up really late. I was up until at least 2AM waiting with several tabs open on my computer: Pottermore website, the quill Pottermore website, Twitter, Pottermore clue Tumblr, , "pottermore clue" tag tracked on Tumblr, and World Clock of UK time. I was tired and decided to get a little bit of sleep but set my alarm for 3:30AM. It's a good thing I did because the clue appeared at around 3AM. I'd only missed it by about 30minutes. Thanks to the tracked tags, I already knew what the answer was. Due to the high traffic, I couldn't actually get to the clue and just went straight to the answer page to find the quill and start registering. So exciting! I finally got in! I went back to sleep after all the excitement was over since I had an eye doctor's appointment later. I thought it wouldn't be a good idea to be really tired.
That was the other excitement of the day: My eye doctor's appointment. Right now, I'm having trouble seeing properly since they dilated my eyes. so bear with me. I'll be amazed if this blog turns out to have no typos. That'll take talent. My eye doctor is in El Paso and so my dad and I drove over there. I've been having trouble seeing lately. Things seem to shift when I look at them. I've been compensating by either closing my left eye or by putting my hand up to my nose because it seems to help. I've been really having problems since last October but they seem to have gotten worse. My eye doctor is almost always so busy and you have to wait awhile. A lot of waiting is involved.
They run tests and dilate my eyes and then I have to wait some more and then they do more tests. It turns out that my left eye is crossing to the point where prisms won't help anymore. I used to have prisms in my glasses to help with this problem when I had problems in 10th grade but now they wouldn't help. It turns out that I'm going to need eye muscle surgery to correct the problem.
I'm already nervous about the surgery and it's not even officially set yet (the doctor still needs to look at my records). I've had eye surgery before (back when I was little) but I don't remember it. Although, I'm nervous about it, I realize that it needs to be done if I ever want to see properly again. The plan is that I'd have the surgery in December during my winter break and before Christmas. I'm not sure what to expect. I just hope after it's over, I'll be able to see properly again.
That was my excitement of the day. I'm extremely tired now. I think it's a combination of staying up late and lack of sleep plus the drops in my eyes from the eye doctor.For some reason though, I generally am a bit tired after an eye doctor's appointment. A bit weird but true.
Hope this didn't bore you too much.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)