*This is a bit of an addendum/ follow-up to yesterday's post*
I'm once again all packed and will be heading back early tomorrow morning.
I just want to say that's it's been 2 years.
2 years of me living in Denton.
2 years of me attempting to make friends and just generally trying to make living there work.
2 years and I basically have nothing to show for it.
2 years of me trying so hard (and I have been trying believe me) and yet nothing has happened.
2 YEARS!
I've put in 2 years and I feel like I should have something to show for it.
I'm not talking academics at all here. That much I have plenty to show that 2 years of work hasn't been spent doing nothing.That's not it at all. 2 years worth of academics; 2 years worth of graduate work with only a semester to go before I'm finished with a Master's degree. When I look at academics, I've done the work and have something to show for it.
But when I look at everything else in my life there in Denton, I'm sorely disappointed.
2 years worth of living there and I'm still just as alone as I was when I moved there.
I still only know a handful of people and I literally mean a handful of people.
Many of those people are the staff at the different branches of the public library system. Which granted, it's a library and I'm a library student. It's not that hard to figure it out.
As far as neighbors go in my apartment complex, there's really only 1 that I know (knew) well. However, she's no longer living there. Other than that, I don't really know anyone else.
There's a few people that I only know about because of the Internet and the nerdfighter community but I can't really claim to know said people. First of all, I haven't met a lot of them IRL. They pretty much only exist to me online at the moment. Secondly, those that I have met IRL turned out not to be as awesome as I originally thought. Not to mention I just didn't care for their personality. Also one of them was offended by something I admitted online which certainly involved them. However, it wasn't the person specifically that I had a problem with. It was my problem. But they ended up blocking me from contacting them ever again. So that ended that potential friendship.
I just feel like I've spent 2 years wasting my time there in Denton. 2 years were I essentially just lived there. I feel like I've never really lived. Not the way I feel like I should.
It's complicated and extremely frustrating. I blame myself a lot. I blame myself for not making it work. For possibly not trying hard enough to make it work.
Yet, I know I have in fact tried. I've tried hard but nothing has worked out the way I've wanted or was hoping to; expecting it to. People constantly doubt that I try to make things better which upsets me even more. I feel like a
failure when they do. They just add pressure to me which makes me even
less willing to change despite the fact that I want to
Still though it would be nice if I had something to show for it. If I even had at least one friend in Denton. Even if it wasn't a close friend. Even if it was just more like an acquaintance.
.
I'm just not happy in Denton. Those of you who have been keeping up over the past 2 years, know this. You can sense my unhappiness. I've talked about it enough. It's just very apparent how unhappy I am there. There's no denying that I am unhappy there. It's just a fact.
I just feel that it shouldn't take this long for me to essentially "settle in" in Denton. To be happy and feel comfortable there. Of course things have happened to change how I feel but even before then I was unhappy.
The circumstances under which I moved there weren't exactly ideal. Nonetheless, I would think I would at least feel at least a bit of happiness after 2 years of living there. It feels like at this point, I'll never feel happy there.
It certainly didn't take me 2 years to fully feel comfortable when I was in Oklahoma. I'd say it only took about a semester. That was it. A semester compared to 2 years where I'm still no where close to achieving the same level of comfort and happiness as back at OSU. Again though things were different though. I was actually on campus. I had family for my first year.
I haven't really given up. But then again, I guess I have. I still have this semester but I'm not feeling very hopeful about it. Success rate hasn't been very positive. It's hard and just gets to you when things just don't work out time and again. I honestly feel like I have no hope left. I feel letdown. Hopeless. Like why do I even bother.
I really feel like I've wasted 2 years of my life somewhere where I didn't really even need to be. 2 years I just wish would've worked out a lot better.
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Never Can Say Goodbye
I'm fine. I'm okay.
I will be fine.
This is what I keep telling myself. It's what I keep saying to my parents. But truthfully, I don't believe it. All I feel like doing when I think about going back to Denton, is crying. I pretty much am crying. I feel sad. Depressed even. I really don't want to go back. I never have wanted to go back.
I don't understand. It just doesn't make sense to me.
No matter how often I've come home and left, it has never gotten any easier to say goodbye. In fact, in some ways, it seems to get harder and harder.
Then again, perhaps it's the length of time I stay. The longer I stay, the more comfortable I get being back home and the harder it is to leave. But at the same time, I don't want to stay that short of a time. I love my family. Simple as that.
I feel ridiculous that I get so emotional upon leaving. But I really don't know how to not do so.
You would think that after doing this several times already that it wouldn't be this difficult and yet it still is.
I left home because I had to. I wanted to. There was really not an option. If I wanted to accomplish my goals, I had to leave sooner or later. As it was, I left home when I was almost a Junior (Oh was by NMSU-A's terms).
I have to keep reminding myself of this fact. I didn't have to leave. I could've been like the majority of my classmates who only moved as far away as Las Cruces; roughly an hour away.
But then again, I had to. Even if I didn't decide to go to Oklahoma State and instead went to NMSU. I would still have had to move eventually for my Master's degree. Moving was just what I to do.
Yet, I still can't say goodbye when I have to return to school.
Many of my classmates and even my friends don't seem to struggle with saying goodbye to their families. Then again things are different for a lot of them. Some of my friends don't have the option like I do to go home. For them, it's an even bigger distance than an 11 hour drive.
But even people I don't know, don't have the same problems I do it seems. I mean with saying goodbye.
I realize that it's normal for college students to get homesick and to miss their families for the first semester of college. At least, until they get settled into their college and start making friends. Quite a few people stop coming home as often as they do choosing instead to stay at college with their friends.
However, for me, that's never seemed to happen. I still seem to get homesick. While I realize that I'm not as lucky as some students who get to go home every other weekend or so. I go for months without seeing my family. I go home for breaks. Winter AND Summer breaks. I have yet to stay where I was for an entire summer. I've gone back early but still have spent part of my Summer at home.
I typically don't go home for short breaks such as Fall break (or Thanksgiving) and definitely Spring break. So in some ways, perhaps it's justified why I stay so long during Winter and Summer breaks.
Yet, I can't help but feel like I should be over this. I shouldn't mind leaving like I do. No one else I know seems to handle it like this.
Maybe it's also because I'm alone. I'm all by myself in Denton. Maybe that's the whole reasoning. Things seemed better in Oklahoma. Sure I still was upset when I had to leave; I missed my family still but things were still difficult at times.
However, I've said this already before, things seem to have gotten worse for me since moving to Denton. I don't know anyone there. I have no friends there. I hardly know anyone there. I don't feel part of the University. Things have happened that have made me less willing to go back. I've tried to get involved and make friends by joining groups, but no such luck. Not even the church feels as welcoming to me as the one back in Oklahoma did.
In other words, I'm pretty much alone in Denton. After 2 years of being there, I'm still so much alone.
Be it the fault of myself or not, I'm still alone and I feel alone. Maybe that's why it bothers me so much to go back.
Here I have family around me. Here I don't feel so alone.
I guess I just really don't know how to be alone. I just can't seem to say goodbye to those I love.
I will be fine.
This is what I keep telling myself. It's what I keep saying to my parents. But truthfully, I don't believe it. All I feel like doing when I think about going back to Denton, is crying. I pretty much am crying. I feel sad. Depressed even. I really don't want to go back. I never have wanted to go back.
I don't understand. It just doesn't make sense to me.
No matter how often I've come home and left, it has never gotten any easier to say goodbye. In fact, in some ways, it seems to get harder and harder.
Then again, perhaps it's the length of time I stay. The longer I stay, the more comfortable I get being back home and the harder it is to leave. But at the same time, I don't want to stay that short of a time. I love my family. Simple as that.
I feel ridiculous that I get so emotional upon leaving. But I really don't know how to not do so.
You would think that after doing this several times already that it wouldn't be this difficult and yet it still is.
I left home because I had to. I wanted to. There was really not an option. If I wanted to accomplish my goals, I had to leave sooner or later. As it was, I left home when I was almost a Junior (Oh was by NMSU-A's terms).
I have to keep reminding myself of this fact. I didn't have to leave. I could've been like the majority of my classmates who only moved as far away as Las Cruces; roughly an hour away.
But then again, I had to. Even if I didn't decide to go to Oklahoma State and instead went to NMSU. I would still have had to move eventually for my Master's degree. Moving was just what I to do.
Yet, I still can't say goodbye when I have to return to school.
Many of my classmates and even my friends don't seem to struggle with saying goodbye to their families. Then again things are different for a lot of them. Some of my friends don't have the option like I do to go home. For them, it's an even bigger distance than an 11 hour drive.
But even people I don't know, don't have the same problems I do it seems. I mean with saying goodbye.
I realize that it's normal for college students to get homesick and to miss their families for the first semester of college. At least, until they get settled into their college and start making friends. Quite a few people stop coming home as often as they do choosing instead to stay at college with their friends.
However, for me, that's never seemed to happen. I still seem to get homesick. While I realize that I'm not as lucky as some students who get to go home every other weekend or so. I go for months without seeing my family. I go home for breaks. Winter AND Summer breaks. I have yet to stay where I was for an entire summer. I've gone back early but still have spent part of my Summer at home.
I typically don't go home for short breaks such as Fall break (or Thanksgiving) and definitely Spring break. So in some ways, perhaps it's justified why I stay so long during Winter and Summer breaks.
Yet, I can't help but feel like I should be over this. I shouldn't mind leaving like I do. No one else I know seems to handle it like this.
Maybe it's also because I'm alone. I'm all by myself in Denton. Maybe that's the whole reasoning. Things seemed better in Oklahoma. Sure I still was upset when I had to leave; I missed my family still but things were still difficult at times.
However, I've said this already before, things seem to have gotten worse for me since moving to Denton. I don't know anyone there. I have no friends there. I hardly know anyone there. I don't feel part of the University. Things have happened that have made me less willing to go back. I've tried to get involved and make friends by joining groups, but no such luck. Not even the church feels as welcoming to me as the one back in Oklahoma did.
In other words, I'm pretty much alone in Denton. After 2 years of being there, I'm still so much alone.
Be it the fault of myself or not, I'm still alone and I feel alone. Maybe that's why it bothers me so much to go back.
Here I have family around me. Here I don't feel so alone.
I guess I just really don't know how to be alone. I just can't seem to say goodbye to those I love.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Theater nerd?
Saturday night my mom and I went to a local musical theater production of The Wizard of Oz. We were planning to go Friday night but things changed. Friday the whole town ended up having power issues resulting in rolling blackouts lasting an hour or more at a time. We didn't want to take the chance that the show would be canceled. As it was, we were at the theater about to buy tickets when the power went out again. They weren't sure if the performance would be canceled or not. It ended up being cancelled. We found out later.
The performance went well. It was very enjoyable.
Yet it got me thinking about why I haven't been or wasn't more active in theater when I was younger.
There were a lot of children in this production being that The Wizard of Oz is more of a children's show. A lot of those children looked like they were having a good time and it took me back to my own childhood.
I asked my mom why she didn't tell me to go after theater more when I was a kid. She said, I didn't seem all that interested.
It's certainly interesting because my brother was a theater person. He's the one who loved it. I guess I figured I would like it too.
I wish I did do more theater though. That maybe I'd become more interested in it.
That's not to say I was never interested nor that I've never done theater before.
I haven't done any really big productions before though. Not something like the Music Theater or even the Community College productions.
I have done some theater though. Back in 5th grade, I was in my Elementary School's Drama Club. It was such fun. We had a couple of short skits/plays that we performed in a couple of club productions. The productions were a combination of various short skits with various performers. In at least two of those plays, I played a lead role. So I did have some lines to memorize.
I also did some performances way back when I was in Preschool/Daycare. In one of the plays, I played a Christmas Elf. In other performances at my daycare, I was Little Red Robin Hood and Cinderella. Why I was always the lead, I don't really know but I was. Although, I don't remember any of the plays having speaking parts. I think we just acted out the story.
I was also in an American Girl club at the Local Public Library and we club members performed a play based on Josefina. I played Tia Magdalena.
I was in Drama Club in 7th grade but we never ended up doing any performances or anything. Just basically met and had fun. Then in 9th and 10th grades, I took Theater I and Theater II as electives.
So as far as theater is concerned, I have dabbled in it and have enjoyed it. I've certainly watched enough performances in my lifetime and still do. I enjoy theater, I really do.
However, I've never been part of any big productions such as the one I went to see on Saturday. I've considered auditioning and have even auditioned for some plays. But I've never made the list.
At least twice (might have been 3 times but I cannot remember), I auditioned for plays at the community college theater. Out of the times I auditioned, only once did I get a callback. The first time I auditioned, I didn't even get a callback. I think it was for the play James and the Giant Peach. The play I got a callback on was for the play, Beezus and Ramona which was based on the Beverley Cleary books. I remember going to see Winnie the Pooh but can't remember if I auditioned for the play. I want to say I did but I'm not sure.
As far as the Music Theater is concerned, I've never auditioned for it. I've certainly considered it and have even had the opportunity but just never really went for it. I wonder what would have happened if I ever did.
The thing is that most of these plays end up have the same people cast. People that have been in plays before. Several plays in fact. They are veteran performers in other words. Whenever I would audition for plays, these people would always be there and because they are veterans, they'd always have more experience. Which wasn't fair for those of us newbies trying to get experience like them. The veterans typically would be cast before any of the newbies and usually for the best roles. The newbies got whatever was left.
I always thought this unfair since to become better performers, you have to get experience and how can someone like me get experience if I can never even get cast in something since all the people with experience get cast almost automatically.
I'm still interested in community theater and would still like to try it. Maybe I'd turn out to be lucky someday and actually be able to be in a production. However, so far, I haven't had much luck.
I think I'm a bit of a theater nerd. Maybe theater just isn't my thing and I guess it really isn't. Still though, it would be fun to find out for sure.
The performance went well. It was very enjoyable.
Yet it got me thinking about why I haven't been or wasn't more active in theater when I was younger.
There were a lot of children in this production being that The Wizard of Oz is more of a children's show. A lot of those children looked like they were having a good time and it took me back to my own childhood.
I asked my mom why she didn't tell me to go after theater more when I was a kid. She said, I didn't seem all that interested.
It's certainly interesting because my brother was a theater person. He's the one who loved it. I guess I figured I would like it too.
I wish I did do more theater though. That maybe I'd become more interested in it.
That's not to say I was never interested nor that I've never done theater before.
I haven't done any really big productions before though. Not something like the Music Theater or even the Community College productions.
I have done some theater though. Back in 5th grade, I was in my Elementary School's Drama Club. It was such fun. We had a couple of short skits/plays that we performed in a couple of club productions. The productions were a combination of various short skits with various performers. In at least two of those plays, I played a lead role. So I did have some lines to memorize.
I also did some performances way back when I was in Preschool/Daycare. In one of the plays, I played a Christmas Elf. In other performances at my daycare, I was Little Red Robin Hood and Cinderella. Why I was always the lead, I don't really know but I was. Although, I don't remember any of the plays having speaking parts. I think we just acted out the story.
I was also in an American Girl club at the Local Public Library and we club members performed a play based on Josefina. I played Tia Magdalena.
I was in Drama Club in 7th grade but we never ended up doing any performances or anything. Just basically met and had fun. Then in 9th and 10th grades, I took Theater I and Theater II as electives.
So as far as theater is concerned, I have dabbled in it and have enjoyed it. I've certainly watched enough performances in my lifetime and still do. I enjoy theater, I really do.
However, I've never been part of any big productions such as the one I went to see on Saturday. I've considered auditioning and have even auditioned for some plays. But I've never made the list.
At least twice (might have been 3 times but I cannot remember), I auditioned for plays at the community college theater. Out of the times I auditioned, only once did I get a callback. The first time I auditioned, I didn't even get a callback. I think it was for the play James and the Giant Peach. The play I got a callback on was for the play, Beezus and Ramona which was based on the Beverley Cleary books. I remember going to see Winnie the Pooh but can't remember if I auditioned for the play. I want to say I did but I'm not sure.
As far as the Music Theater is concerned, I've never auditioned for it. I've certainly considered it and have even had the opportunity but just never really went for it. I wonder what would have happened if I ever did.
The thing is that most of these plays end up have the same people cast. People that have been in plays before. Several plays in fact. They are veteran performers in other words. Whenever I would audition for plays, these people would always be there and because they are veterans, they'd always have more experience. Which wasn't fair for those of us newbies trying to get experience like them. The veterans typically would be cast before any of the newbies and usually for the best roles. The newbies got whatever was left.
I always thought this unfair since to become better performers, you have to get experience and how can someone like me get experience if I can never even get cast in something since all the people with experience get cast almost automatically.
I'm still interested in community theater and would still like to try it. Maybe I'd turn out to be lucky someday and actually be able to be in a production. However, so far, I haven't had much luck.
I think I'm a bit of a theater nerd. Maybe theater just isn't my thing and I guess it really isn't. Still though, it would be fun to find out for sure.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Flirting challenges
This past weekend, my parents and I went to Las Cruces to watch a movie that for some reason isn't showing here in Alamo. The movie is Hope Springs starring Maryl Streep and Tommy Lee Jones.
I love Maryl Streep and so does my parents. That's really why we wanted to go see it. That and the movie just looked funny in the previews.
It was a funny movie. I really enjoyed it and so did my parents.
Afterwards, we went to Olive Garden for lunch where we had the Unlimited Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks.
I was different when it came to both our drink orders and our soup orders and the server guy pointed it out.
My mom thinks that the guy was flirting with me and maybe he was.
I have to admit that the guy was pretty good looking and everything.
The thing is though, is that I just wasn't all that interested.
But it did make me think about the whole flirting thing.
If he was flirting with me, I was simply oblivious to it. It didn't register with me.
That's the thing with me and it worries me some. The fact that I'm oblivious to people flirting with me. That I don't seem to notice.
I've mentioned before how I'm not interested in a relationship at the moment. I'm focused on my getting my Master's degree and getting my career going.
This isn't the first time I've had people attempt to flirt with me or even try to get me interested in a relationship.
It worries me because I'm afraid that I might not realize when someone is flirting with me when I'm finally ready or interested in a relationship. I mean I don't think that's how it'll be with me. I'm sure things will be much different. Still though, I can't help but think that it could become an issue.
I also still feel that I'm not all that attractive. I've discussed this in great detail before in another blog.
How will I ever know if someone truly finds me attractive and will I believe them? Will I ever recognize when someone is flirting with me?
These are things that while they aren't things I want to take part in right now they are things that are on my mind. They certainly present some interesting challenges, I feel.
I love Maryl Streep and so does my parents. That's really why we wanted to go see it. That and the movie just looked funny in the previews.
It was a funny movie. I really enjoyed it and so did my parents.
Afterwards, we went to Olive Garden for lunch where we had the Unlimited Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks.
I was different when it came to both our drink orders and our soup orders and the server guy pointed it out.
My mom thinks that the guy was flirting with me and maybe he was.
I have to admit that the guy was pretty good looking and everything.
The thing is though, is that I just wasn't all that interested.
But it did make me think about the whole flirting thing.
If he was flirting with me, I was simply oblivious to it. It didn't register with me.
That's the thing with me and it worries me some. The fact that I'm oblivious to people flirting with me. That I don't seem to notice.
I've mentioned before how I'm not interested in a relationship at the moment. I'm focused on my getting my Master's degree and getting my career going.
This isn't the first time I've had people attempt to flirt with me or even try to get me interested in a relationship.
It worries me because I'm afraid that I might not realize when someone is flirting with me when I'm finally ready or interested in a relationship. I mean I don't think that's how it'll be with me. I'm sure things will be much different. Still though, I can't help but think that it could become an issue.
I also still feel that I'm not all that attractive. I've discussed this in great detail before in another blog.
How will I ever know if someone truly finds me attractive and will I believe them? Will I ever recognize when someone is flirting with me?
These are things that while they aren't things I want to take part in right now they are things that are on my mind. They certainly present some interesting challenges, I feel.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Embracing my nerdiness/geekiness
Recently my brother posted a comic on his Facebook saying how he could relate to it because growing up as a kid, he felt he had to hide his inner geekdom. He felt he had to repress it for some reason.
According to my mom it probably had something to do with the fact that he was bullied in school growing up. I can understand this and can actually relate.
I've said numerous times in my blog posts how I was left out or even picked on by people growing up. I was picked on at the Recreation Center After-School program AND the Summer Camp program. To this day, I still really don't like going to the Rec Center because of what happened to me. The bad memories still linger. There were also a couple of 8th graders when I was in 7th that hassled me for some reason.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in a blog post yet, but I've also been threatened by people I thought were my friends. There was a disagreement or something going on between a friend of mine in High School and myself and somehow it ended up being brought to another girl (who I considered a friend) and she threatened me.
I've been bullied and made fun of. I've been left out. I've been an outsider and technically, I still consider myself to be one.
But the thing is, I've never really have seemed to be ashamed of my nerdiness/geekiness.
As far as I can remember, I've never really tried to hide any of it. I mean sure there were a some times where I wished to be popular but I've never really tried to hide who I was. Not really. Not really even in Junior High.
I've always been nerdy/geeky. It's just who I am. I've never tried to be something otherwise. I've always love school and learning. I loved science from a young age. I loved Ms. Frizzle and the Magic School Bus and also Bill Nye the Science Guy. I especially loved reading books and libraries. In other words, I've been a nerd all my life. I was born that way.
I guess that's the difference between my brother and I. I never tried to hide who I was. Sure there have been plenty of times where I've wished I was different. Who doesn't wish that at times?
I've embraced my nerdy and geeky self. Especially over the past several years. I've especially embraced being a nerd ever since I discovered the NERDFIGHTER community.
That's what I think finally solidified for me that it was ok to be a nerd. That being a nerd was great and something that should be embraced.
While I never exactly hid who I was, Hank and John Green really gave me the opportunity to be who I really am. They were really the reason that I fully embraced my nerdiness while I was in college.They made it cool to be a nerd. They embraced their nerdiness and basically made it ok to be a nerd.
Being a nerd now is so different. Being a nerd can be cool thanks to the Vlogbrothers. The community they've created. They've inspired so many people. Thanks to them and the Powers of YouTube and the Internet, children growing up can be happy to be nerds. They can be proud to be nerds. It's a way for them to be celebrated.
I love being a nerd. It's who I am and who I choose to be. When people call me a nerd now, I take it as a compliment. I am a nerd and I pretty much always have been.
According to my mom it probably had something to do with the fact that he was bullied in school growing up. I can understand this and can actually relate.
I've said numerous times in my blog posts how I was left out or even picked on by people growing up. I was picked on at the Recreation Center After-School program AND the Summer Camp program. To this day, I still really don't like going to the Rec Center because of what happened to me. The bad memories still linger. There were also a couple of 8th graders when I was in 7th that hassled me for some reason.
I'm not sure if I've mentioned this in a blog post yet, but I've also been threatened by people I thought were my friends. There was a disagreement or something going on between a friend of mine in High School and myself and somehow it ended up being brought to another girl (who I considered a friend) and she threatened me.
I've been bullied and made fun of. I've been left out. I've been an outsider and technically, I still consider myself to be one.
But the thing is, I've never really have seemed to be ashamed of my nerdiness/geekiness.
As far as I can remember, I've never really tried to hide any of it. I mean sure there were a some times where I wished to be popular but I've never really tried to hide who I was. Not really. Not really even in Junior High.
I've always been nerdy/geeky. It's just who I am. I've never tried to be something otherwise. I've always love school and learning. I loved science from a young age. I loved Ms. Frizzle and the Magic School Bus and also Bill Nye the Science Guy. I especially loved reading books and libraries. In other words, I've been a nerd all my life. I was born that way.
I guess that's the difference between my brother and I. I never tried to hide who I was. Sure there have been plenty of times where I've wished I was different. Who doesn't wish that at times?
I've embraced my nerdy and geeky self. Especially over the past several years. I've especially embraced being a nerd ever since I discovered the NERDFIGHTER community.
That's what I think finally solidified for me that it was ok to be a nerd. That being a nerd was great and something that should be embraced.
While I never exactly hid who I was, Hank and John Green really gave me the opportunity to be who I really am. They were really the reason that I fully embraced my nerdiness while I was in college.They made it cool to be a nerd. They embraced their nerdiness and basically made it ok to be a nerd.
Being a nerd now is so different. Being a nerd can be cool thanks to the Vlogbrothers. The community they've created. They've inspired so many people. Thanks to them and the Powers of YouTube and the Internet, children growing up can be happy to be nerds. They can be proud to be nerds. It's a way for them to be celebrated.
I love being a nerd. It's who I am and who I choose to be. When people call me a nerd now, I take it as a compliment. I am a nerd and I pretty much always have been.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Memorable
I'm not popular. I'm not the smartest person. Nor am I the prettiest. I'm not a "star" in any sense meaning I don't seem to have that starpower quality. I'm a bit quiet and shy. In fact I'd have to say that I'm a plain, simple type of person.
A plain jane type of person.
And yet I also seem to be pretty memorable.
While at Walmart yesterday, a lady approached me remembering me from when I volunteered at the library with her daughter. She remembered me helping her and her daughter out with information. We talked for awhile with her telling me about her daughter and me telling her about what I'd been up to.
This isn't the first time that someone has remembered me. It happens a lot. Especially when you live in small town and have a well known father AND Uncle who also live in the same town. My dad was a PE teacher in the public schools for a long time. He also coached track at the local high school for awhile. My uncle also taught at the high school for some time. He taught History and coached football. So basically I was already known before I was even born. That and the fact that I had an older brother before me in the public schools.
Still though. Many people remember me even now. Teachers especially remember me. I was generally one of the good students and did well. They just knew that I would go far in my education. It doesn't surprise them that I'm going for my Master's or that I'm nearly done. While they're certainly happy for me, it's not a big surprise for them. They just knew.
Yet, what is interesting about me being memorable is the fact that many of my classmates remember me. They remember me as being very smart and focused in class. Many of them remember me helping them out in class. Mostly math class. They remembered asking me for help and me helping them. The thing is that a lot of these people are people I wouldn't have expected to remember me. I just helped people because that was me. And yet these people do remember me and apparently
ask about me. None of them are surprised about where I am in my life either. While many of them are working and didn't complete their education, I have. They knew me as basically being studious and a nerd. I was a nerd. It's that simple. I loved school and learning and just wanted to do well.
It's just surprising to me that people like that remember me. It surprises me just how many people DO remember me. Something about me just is memorable I guess.
I don't try to make myself memorable. I'm just being myself. Is it my name? The fact that I'm related to two well-known relatives? Do I really have a memorable face? Is it my personality?
Whatever the reason, I'm certainly a lot more memorable than I thought.
A plain jane type of person.
And yet I also seem to be pretty memorable.
While at Walmart yesterday, a lady approached me remembering me from when I volunteered at the library with her daughter. She remembered me helping her and her daughter out with information. We talked for awhile with her telling me about her daughter and me telling her about what I'd been up to.
This isn't the first time that someone has remembered me. It happens a lot. Especially when you live in small town and have a well known father AND Uncle who also live in the same town. My dad was a PE teacher in the public schools for a long time. He also coached track at the local high school for awhile. My uncle also taught at the high school for some time. He taught History and coached football. So basically I was already known before I was even born. That and the fact that I had an older brother before me in the public schools.
Still though. Many people remember me even now. Teachers especially remember me. I was generally one of the good students and did well. They just knew that I would go far in my education. It doesn't surprise them that I'm going for my Master's or that I'm nearly done. While they're certainly happy for me, it's not a big surprise for them. They just knew.
Yet, what is interesting about me being memorable is the fact that many of my classmates remember me. They remember me as being very smart and focused in class. Many of them remember me helping them out in class. Mostly math class. They remembered asking me for help and me helping them. The thing is that a lot of these people are people I wouldn't have expected to remember me. I just helped people because that was me. And yet these people do remember me and apparently
ask about me. None of them are surprised about where I am in my life either. While many of them are working and didn't complete their education, I have. They knew me as basically being studious and a nerd. I was a nerd. It's that simple. I loved school and learning and just wanted to do well.
It's just surprising to me that people like that remember me. It surprises me just how many people DO remember me. Something about me just is memorable I guess.
I don't try to make myself memorable. I'm just being myself. Is it my name? The fact that I'm related to two well-known relatives? Do I really have a memorable face? Is it my personality?
Whatever the reason, I'm certainly a lot more memorable than I thought.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Sorting through childhood
It's come to the point this summer where I have to finally begin sorting through all the boxes filled with papers and other things from my childhood. Ever since moving out in December 2007, these boxes have remained in what used to be my bedroom closet. Every break it's been mentioned how I need to go through the boxes and get rid of stuff but it hasn't really happened until now.
When I have a little over a couple weeks before I head back, I'm forced to get rid of things. Things from my childhood. Things that I probably don't need anymore but don't really know how to get rid of them.
The thing is that I have a hard time getting rid of things. It's hard for me. It's hard going through things from your childhood and deciding to get rid of it. Most of the stuff is school papers that I felt I should keep. I certainly keep my writings from over the years: Poetry, essays, stories. Most of the papers are things that are not saved on a computer somewhere. There's other things too.
How do people do this so easily? Get rid of things so easily? I find it extremely difficult to get rid of things in general.
I can't even being to explain how hard it is for me. In the 2 times I've moved (to Oklahoma and to Texas), it's been horrible. I accumulate things and then can't seem to part with it when the time comes. I don't understand it. It's happened both times and I really don't know how to get over it.
I know I have to get rid of things and truthfully, as of recently, I've been trying really really hard to do so. At least as far as my school paperwork is concerned. I've been trying to go through papers each semester and get rid of the things I'm sure I no longer need.
It's a bit different though when it's childhood things. It's nostalgic. It's part of my childhood that I'm getting rid of. Things that remind me of something. I mean, there's always the memories but it's not the same.
I know I have to do it though. It's getting time. It has to happen eventually. I have to grow up and move on.
It's going to be hard.
When I have a little over a couple weeks before I head back, I'm forced to get rid of things. Things from my childhood. Things that I probably don't need anymore but don't really know how to get rid of them.
The thing is that I have a hard time getting rid of things. It's hard for me. It's hard going through things from your childhood and deciding to get rid of it. Most of the stuff is school papers that I felt I should keep. I certainly keep my writings from over the years: Poetry, essays, stories. Most of the papers are things that are not saved on a computer somewhere. There's other things too.
How do people do this so easily? Get rid of things so easily? I find it extremely difficult to get rid of things in general.
I can't even being to explain how hard it is for me. In the 2 times I've moved (to Oklahoma and to Texas), it's been horrible. I accumulate things and then can't seem to part with it when the time comes. I don't understand it. It's happened both times and I really don't know how to get over it.
I know I have to get rid of things and truthfully, as of recently, I've been trying really really hard to do so. At least as far as my school paperwork is concerned. I've been trying to go through papers each semester and get rid of the things I'm sure I no longer need.
It's a bit different though when it's childhood things. It's nostalgic. It's part of my childhood that I'm getting rid of. Things that remind me of something. I mean, there's always the memories but it's not the same.
I know I have to do it though. It's getting time. It has to happen eventually. I have to grow up and move on.
It's going to be hard.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Summertime Blues
It's the beginning of August and I'm already feeling a bit of sadness about summer ending in a few weeks.
I've had a nice summer with the exception of having 2 surgeries and then having to spend a lot of time recovering for the month of June. Plus I also had the one summer class.
My nephew was here for almost 2 months. I brought him back with me to New Mexico, when I wen to Arizona for Phoenix Comic Con. We took him home this past weekend. Believe me when I say that I was ready for it. I think he was too.
I love my nephew a lot. I really do but spending 2 months with him was enough time. Too much time. He was starting to really get on my nerves and I'm pretty sure it was reciprocal. The other thing is that when he is around, I really don't get much time to myself. Plus he has this thing where he is constantly poking and picking at me for no reason. He's 13 almost 14 (he will be on the 7th). He's a teenager and he's a lot taller than me. Because he is taller than me, he thinks he doesn't have to listen to me. He doesn't see me as an authority figure at all. To him, I'm his buddy and his playmate. It's annoying that he doesn't listen to me and I get extremely frustrated with him. It was just time for him to go home. For the both of us.
Yet at the same time, I am a little sad that he's gone. After all, he is my buddy. We did stuff together all summer. We watched TV shows together and played video games together. It was fun. It's quiet with him gone. Almost too quiet at times.
But at the same time, I'm glad to finally be by myself and not have someone bothering me all the time. I'm also glad to finally get to spend some time with my parents.
However, the sadness isn't just from my nephew being gone. It's also because of the fact that this is probably my last carefree summer. My last summer of being able to spend a whole summer here in New Mexico. The last summer I'll really get to do things with my nephew.
I'm graduating with my Master's in December. After that I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'll hopefully be looking for and finding a job is all I know. If I somehow get a job by next summer, there is no possibility for me to take off for the whole summer. Especially if the job happens to be in a library and working in the Youth Services department. Practically every library has some sort of Summer Reading Program which I'm most certainly going to be involved in and will be unable to take time off because that just is so involved.
It's a scary thought. I'm not entirely sure if I'm ready to be in the real world but at the same time, I guess I kinda am. I don't really know. It's complicated. I'm not sure I'm ready to be a "grown up". I mean this is what I've worked for but now I'm not sure what I want.
When I think about the fact that this is really the last summer I have, it makes me sad. It had to come sometime and this may be it. Next summer, who knows what it'll be like?
Another thing that's been on my mind lately besides summer ending is therapy. I'm still uncertain if I should go back. Part of me feels it would be a good idea. I think it would be advisable. At least for a little while if not for the entire semester. I mean I'm fine right now but I'm not sure if things will be quite the same when I get back home.There's also the fact that there are a few things that I'd still like to discuss. Some new things and some old things.
I've also been thinking about therapy in general. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm in therapy. It has helped me so much and I think there is a good reason for that. I've been in therapy before now. I was in short-term counseling at Oklahoma State and again at UNT for a while before being in long-term. However, unlike when I was at Oklahoma State, I really don't have any friends in Denton and I think that it explains why I need the therapy. Why I need the help in dealing with things.
I didn't have a whole lot of friends back at Oklahoma State either but I had enough that I was able to deal with things better. I had friends I could talk to about things, help me handle things better. That's the main difference. I don't have any friends here. Even after going on 2 years. I still don't have any friends in Denton. Not one. I have no one I can talk to when things get too rough.
Sure. I have my Oklahoma friends now. Although technically I met them before I moved to Denton. But while I have them and can contact them when I need them, it's not the same as having someone in the same town as you. My nerdfighter/internet friends are really wonderful but the distance makes things so hard sometimes.
Similarly, I don't have any family close by. When I first moved to Oklahoma, I had a cousin which helped me to adjust a lot easier. Not in Denton. I knew no one. I still don't really know anyone.
I think really that's one of the reasons I'm in therapy. Simply just to have someone to talk to and help me handle things. My family can't do anything to help me because they aren't there with me. I have no friends to just call up or come by or do something to distract me and make me feel better.
Therapy gives that to me. Just someone who will listen to me and help me work through things. But I'm still not sure if I need to go back or not.
I've just had moments this summer where I've felt off. Restless. A bit sad. At least as the Summer comes closer to an end. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back but then again I never really am. I'm not sure I'm ready for this summer to be over. I'm not sure I'm ready to finish up my last semester and find a job.But then I'm not sure what I really am ready for. If I'll ever be ready.
For now though, I need to not think about all this. I need to just enjoy the rest of the Summer and make the most of it.
I've had a nice summer with the exception of having 2 surgeries and then having to spend a lot of time recovering for the month of June. Plus I also had the one summer class.
My nephew was here for almost 2 months. I brought him back with me to New Mexico, when I wen to Arizona for Phoenix Comic Con. We took him home this past weekend. Believe me when I say that I was ready for it. I think he was too.
I love my nephew a lot. I really do but spending 2 months with him was enough time. Too much time. He was starting to really get on my nerves and I'm pretty sure it was reciprocal. The other thing is that when he is around, I really don't get much time to myself. Plus he has this thing where he is constantly poking and picking at me for no reason. He's 13 almost 14 (he will be on the 7th). He's a teenager and he's a lot taller than me. Because he is taller than me, he thinks he doesn't have to listen to me. He doesn't see me as an authority figure at all. To him, I'm his buddy and his playmate. It's annoying that he doesn't listen to me and I get extremely frustrated with him. It was just time for him to go home. For the both of us.
Yet at the same time, I am a little sad that he's gone. After all, he is my buddy. We did stuff together all summer. We watched TV shows together and played video games together. It was fun. It's quiet with him gone. Almost too quiet at times.
But at the same time, I'm glad to finally be by myself and not have someone bothering me all the time. I'm also glad to finally get to spend some time with my parents.
However, the sadness isn't just from my nephew being gone. It's also because of the fact that this is probably my last carefree summer. My last summer of being able to spend a whole summer here in New Mexico. The last summer I'll really get to do things with my nephew.
I'm graduating with my Master's in December. After that I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'll hopefully be looking for and finding a job is all I know. If I somehow get a job by next summer, there is no possibility for me to take off for the whole summer. Especially if the job happens to be in a library and working in the Youth Services department. Practically every library has some sort of Summer Reading Program which I'm most certainly going to be involved in and will be unable to take time off because that just is so involved.
It's a scary thought. I'm not entirely sure if I'm ready to be in the real world but at the same time, I guess I kinda am. I don't really know. It's complicated. I'm not sure I'm ready to be a "grown up". I mean this is what I've worked for but now I'm not sure what I want.
When I think about the fact that this is really the last summer I have, it makes me sad. It had to come sometime and this may be it. Next summer, who knows what it'll be like?
Another thing that's been on my mind lately besides summer ending is therapy. I'm still uncertain if I should go back. Part of me feels it would be a good idea. I think it would be advisable. At least for a little while if not for the entire semester. I mean I'm fine right now but I'm not sure if things will be quite the same when I get back home.There's also the fact that there are a few things that I'd still like to discuss. Some new things and some old things.
I've also been thinking about therapy in general. I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm in therapy. It has helped me so much and I think there is a good reason for that. I've been in therapy before now. I was in short-term counseling at Oklahoma State and again at UNT for a while before being in long-term. However, unlike when I was at Oklahoma State, I really don't have any friends in Denton and I think that it explains why I need the therapy. Why I need the help in dealing with things.
I didn't have a whole lot of friends back at Oklahoma State either but I had enough that I was able to deal with things better. I had friends I could talk to about things, help me handle things better. That's the main difference. I don't have any friends here. Even after going on 2 years. I still don't have any friends in Denton. Not one. I have no one I can talk to when things get too rough.
Sure. I have my Oklahoma friends now. Although technically I met them before I moved to Denton. But while I have them and can contact them when I need them, it's not the same as having someone in the same town as you. My nerdfighter/internet friends are really wonderful but the distance makes things so hard sometimes.
Similarly, I don't have any family close by. When I first moved to Oklahoma, I had a cousin which helped me to adjust a lot easier. Not in Denton. I knew no one. I still don't really know anyone.
I think really that's one of the reasons I'm in therapy. Simply just to have someone to talk to and help me handle things. My family can't do anything to help me because they aren't there with me. I have no friends to just call up or come by or do something to distract me and make me feel better.
Therapy gives that to me. Just someone who will listen to me and help me work through things. But I'm still not sure if I need to go back or not.
I've just had moments this summer where I've felt off. Restless. A bit sad. At least as the Summer comes closer to an end. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back but then again I never really am. I'm not sure I'm ready for this summer to be over. I'm not sure I'm ready to finish up my last semester and find a job.But then I'm not sure what I really am ready for. If I'll ever be ready.
For now though, I need to not think about all this. I need to just enjoy the rest of the Summer and make the most of it.
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