It's weird but I've noticed that every since my return to Denton, things seem different with me. I mean things are just barely getting back into a routine (especially since my parents have only been gone 1 day) but for some reason I feel better about everything. Well, at least right now I do. I mean again, I really haven't had a lot of time to get used to being back and on my own.
Thinking about it tonight though, I just realized how positive my outlook about everything is. Of course, my course load is easier (so far!). I only have 2 classes and the stressful class is over. That makes things already better for me. Although, I'm sure my cataloging class is going to be challenging but hopefully not too bad.
Things haven't yet changed much yet as far as friends are concerned. Yet, I feel hopeful. I have plans to go to some church things and I feel hopeful that I'll meet someone there.
As for the incident that happened, well, I don't feel as traumatized by it. This is partly because talking to someone while I was home seemed to help. I'm by no means ready to talk about it with family yet nor have I forgotten it. But I've started to let it go. I'm starting to stop blaming myself and being haunted by the memories. It's getting better though. At least, I feel like it is.
It seemed to help with everything. I mean, I haven't gone back to therapy here just yet but already I feel better about everything. I honestly think talking to someone while I was home helped a great amount. Not having to wait and deal with everything just made me feel so much better.Knowing I had help here waiting for me.
I guess what I'm saying is that so far things are looking up for me. Certainly something I wouldn't have been able to say (and certainly wasn't saying) last semester.
I had hit a low spot last semester and it seemed like my life was just chaotic.
Things right now don't seem so bad. I feel more positive about this semester and year. I feel like things are finally settling into place.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
2012 Resolutions
I know it's late into the new year already but I figured I'd say what my resolutions are. Technically several of these resolutions are already happening. Just happened on their own with little effort from me.
Play piano more often
This just happened upon my return from NM. I just started playing because I missed it. Also my parents wanted to hear me play since they hadn't heard me in awhile. But I did enjoy it and plan to try and play it more often. I want to try and get back into a somewhat regular routine with it if I can. It would be nice if I could incorporate it into a form of therapy like blogging has become. I consider it to be a form of therapy but just haven't used it as one.
Blog/write more
This has already happened. Especially since I've been going to therapy. I plan to continue it though. I've already started blogging at least once a month. Sometimes more than that. It's helped me so much though. It's become a sort of therapy as well for me so I don't think it will be going anywhere for awhile. Besides it's nice to be back into blogging again. I just figured I'd make it a resolution to keep me motivated.
Make some local friends
This is a work in progress but I feel hopeful that this will happen this semester. I'm working on it with the help of my therapist. I feel like it'll happen sometime this year and I'm sure it'll happen. I plan to try and get more involved. I already have plans to go to some church events for the Young Adult group. I'm feeling pretty positive about this working out. I just hope it does so I don't get too disappointed.
Cook more
Another one that has already taken place. Prior to heading home, I had already begun to cook a little more. Now that I have some bakeware and my mom has used my oven a few times, I know my oven works. So now can cook and even bake now using my oven (technically I could before but just didn't plus I didn't have the proper bakeware). I also picked up some more recipes while I was home so I plan to get cooking more. Healthy food. Not that I eat a lot of junk food to begin with but I'm going to try and cook more to limit how often I buy microwave meals and Ramen noodles.
Exercise more
I got into this when I was at home. My mom got me walking but then I stopped. I need to get back into it or some type of exercise. I'm more into the Dance workouts like with the Wii (Just Dance games). I've got some videos of gameplay that I use. I just need to get into it and force myself to get into it. I'm not overly out of shape but do need to at least do something. I'm going to try though.
Get more organizedI have a lot of papers and such that I just need to go through. Since I left prior to the end of the semester, I didn't really have time to go through all the papers. I'm going to start going through and scanning and getting rid of papers now. Just get things back in order. Also I noticed that I need to go through my CD's. I'm running out of room. I need to just copy them all to iTunes and get rid of some of the ones I don't listen to as much. Just basically get organized and stay organized. That and get rid of some stuff that I don't really need anymore so that when I move away from here, I have less stuff to get worry about moving
Vlog/Make more videos
My friends and I started a collab video blog project last year and for awhile, it worked. However, things got busy with all of us and the project has fizzeled out somewhat. I was the only one making videos for awhile but stopped because I was the only one. I want to try and make more videos and vlogs of my own. Of course, with school, I get so involved that I don't have a lot of time to edit video footage. I have tons of footage that needs to be edited but I just haven't had time. I want to try and get more time to just make videos. It would also be nice to get involved with a collab channel that actually kept up with videos.
There's more things I want to do but for now this is a good start and none of them should be too difficult to incorporate into my daily life. 2012 is already off to a new start for me and I hope to keep it that way.
Play piano more often
This just happened upon my return from NM. I just started playing because I missed it. Also my parents wanted to hear me play since they hadn't heard me in awhile. But I did enjoy it and plan to try and play it more often. I want to try and get back into a somewhat regular routine with it if I can. It would be nice if I could incorporate it into a form of therapy like blogging has become. I consider it to be a form of therapy but just haven't used it as one.
Blog/write more
This has already happened. Especially since I've been going to therapy. I plan to continue it though. I've already started blogging at least once a month. Sometimes more than that. It's helped me so much though. It's become a sort of therapy as well for me so I don't think it will be going anywhere for awhile. Besides it's nice to be back into blogging again. I just figured I'd make it a resolution to keep me motivated.
Make some local friends
This is a work in progress but I feel hopeful that this will happen this semester. I'm working on it with the help of my therapist. I feel like it'll happen sometime this year and I'm sure it'll happen. I plan to try and get more involved. I already have plans to go to some church events for the Young Adult group. I'm feeling pretty positive about this working out. I just hope it does so I don't get too disappointed.
Cook more
Another one that has already taken place. Prior to heading home, I had already begun to cook a little more. Now that I have some bakeware and my mom has used my oven a few times, I know my oven works. So now can cook and even bake now using my oven (technically I could before but just didn't plus I didn't have the proper bakeware). I also picked up some more recipes while I was home so I plan to get cooking more. Healthy food. Not that I eat a lot of junk food to begin with but I'm going to try and cook more to limit how often I buy microwave meals and Ramen noodles.
Exercise more
I got into this when I was at home. My mom got me walking but then I stopped. I need to get back into it or some type of exercise. I'm more into the Dance workouts like with the Wii (Just Dance games). I've got some videos of gameplay that I use. I just need to get into it and force myself to get into it. I'm not overly out of shape but do need to at least do something. I'm going to try though.
Get more organizedI have a lot of papers and such that I just need to go through. Since I left prior to the end of the semester, I didn't really have time to go through all the papers. I'm going to start going through and scanning and getting rid of papers now. Just get things back in order. Also I noticed that I need to go through my CD's. I'm running out of room. I need to just copy them all to iTunes and get rid of some of the ones I don't listen to as much. Just basically get organized and stay organized. That and get rid of some stuff that I don't really need anymore so that when I move away from here, I have less stuff to get worry about moving
Vlog/Make more videos
My friends and I started a collab video blog project last year and for awhile, it worked. However, things got busy with all of us and the project has fizzeled out somewhat. I was the only one making videos for awhile but stopped because I was the only one. I want to try and make more videos and vlogs of my own. Of course, with school, I get so involved that I don't have a lot of time to edit video footage. I have tons of footage that needs to be edited but I just haven't had time. I want to try and get more time to just make videos. It would also be nice to get involved with a collab channel that actually kept up with videos.
There's more things I want to do but for now this is a good start and none of them should be too difficult to incorporate into my daily life. 2012 is already off to a new start for me and I hope to keep it that way.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
*This Star Won't Go Out (TSWGO)*
Last night I finished a bracelet with TSWGO on it in remembrance of Esther Earl who was a nerdfighter with cancer. They sell bracelets on DFTBA records but I wanted to make one of my own since it's one of my crafty talents.
However, I feel like a bad nerdfighter because I don't know much about who Esther Earl was or why she was so important to the nerdfighter community. I feel guilty because I don't know who she was. All I know is the brief look and information I got from the Vlogbrothers and the FiveAwesomeGirls. That's all I know about her. Her legacy has lived on in the nerdfighter community since her death and while I support what the community has done for her and try to give my support, it almost feels like an empty gesture. I feel like I'm giving support to a stranger that I know absolutely nothing about.
I know this makes me sound like a horrible person but it's the truth. I didn't know Esther at all like a lot of people in the nerdfighter community did. I realize her passing had an impact on many of those that knew who and didn't know her. It's sad that she passed while she was still so young. Yet I feel bad because I don't feel sad about it. I didn't know her and didn't get to know her even though I also spent a lot of time online.
It was sad to hear about her passing but I didn't feel it that much. It was sad but it didn't effect me. I went on with my life like usual.
I guess part of me doesn't understand why she became so important. Why she is essentially the Poster child of Nerdfighteria for those who have/had cancer. She must have done a lot for Nerdfighteria to achieve this role and yet I don't even know what she's done.
Nerdfighters are all over and come in many varieties. My thinking is that how does one person become so prominent when I'm sure there are other nerdfighters fighting cancer as well.
I guess because I never knew her and wasn't nearly as active as I thought, I don't really understand it.
But that doesn't mean I don't support it.
This Star Won't Go Out
However, I feel like a bad nerdfighter because I don't know much about who Esther Earl was or why she was so important to the nerdfighter community. I feel guilty because I don't know who she was. All I know is the brief look and information I got from the Vlogbrothers and the FiveAwesomeGirls. That's all I know about her. Her legacy has lived on in the nerdfighter community since her death and while I support what the community has done for her and try to give my support, it almost feels like an empty gesture. I feel like I'm giving support to a stranger that I know absolutely nothing about.
I know this makes me sound like a horrible person but it's the truth. I didn't know Esther at all like a lot of people in the nerdfighter community did. I realize her passing had an impact on many of those that knew who and didn't know her. It's sad that she passed while she was still so young. Yet I feel bad because I don't feel sad about it. I didn't know her and didn't get to know her even though I also spent a lot of time online.
It was sad to hear about her passing but I didn't feel it that much. It was sad but it didn't effect me. I went on with my life like usual.
I guess part of me doesn't understand why she became so important. Why she is essentially the Poster child of Nerdfighteria for those who have/had cancer. She must have done a lot for Nerdfighteria to achieve this role and yet I don't even know what she's done.
Nerdfighters are all over and come in many varieties. My thinking is that how does one person become so prominent when I'm sure there are other nerdfighters fighting cancer as well.
I guess because I never knew her and wasn't nearly as active as I thought, I don't really understand it.
But that doesn't mean I don't support it.
This Star Won't Go Out
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Selfish and stupid
I am seriously hating myself right now. I just did something that was incredibly selfish and stupid. It just adds to my problems it seems.
So I'm really excited today because I just got a brand new bed. I've been needing one for some time now and I finally got one. Well really I needed a new mattress but still. So I got one today. It's a non-spring memory foam mattress. It's going to be a great mattress for me.
So I get a grown up bed now. Got rid of my daybed that I've had for awhile. It's great. I should be extremely happy right now. Except I don't get sleep in my new bed for about a week.
I'm actually bummed out about this. Upset is more like it. The reason is that my parents are here and well they need the bed. They are older and such and it's better for this. I really didn't have the choice. They said they were taking the bed.
That's where the problem began. I know I shouldn't be upset over this but I am. Truth be told, I've never had to give up my bed for someone else. Never. This is a new concept for me to grasp and truth be told I'm really struggling to grasp it.
I know I shouldn't be acting the way I am (childish) but yet I am and did. I am actually really upset about the fact that I have a new bed but don't get to sleep in it until after my parent's leave.
I realize it's common courtesy and everything but like I said I've never experienced something like this.
My old daybed was a twin bed. The only type of bed I've ever had has been Twin sized. This is a Full bed now so two people can sleep in the bed now. So that's what my parent's are going to do. They are sleeping in the bed while they are here. Me on the other hand: I get demoted to my couch. Don't get me wrong. I love my couch and it's actually really comfortable but I'd much rather have my new bed to sleep in.
To make a long story short, there was an outburst over this fact and I was called selfish by my parents. They also said they were disappointed in me for acting this way.
I have some sharing issues. It's come from issues with my friends. This is what I've determined. I know I shouldn't lump my parents into them but I did. I don't understand it myself.
I don't know if I'm just so excited and jealous or what. But now I feel stupid for acting selfish. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling to my parents about the situation too. They don't get it and I guarantee if I could explain it, they wouldn't.
I know everyone has moments where they act selfish. I just wish I could better understand my reaction and could take it all back.
So I'm really excited today because I just got a brand new bed. I've been needing one for some time now and I finally got one. Well really I needed a new mattress but still. So I got one today. It's a non-spring memory foam mattress. It's going to be a great mattress for me.
So I get a grown up bed now. Got rid of my daybed that I've had for awhile. It's great. I should be extremely happy right now. Except I don't get sleep in my new bed for about a week.
I'm actually bummed out about this. Upset is more like it. The reason is that my parents are here and well they need the bed. They are older and such and it's better for this. I really didn't have the choice. They said they were taking the bed.
That's where the problem began. I know I shouldn't be upset over this but I am. Truth be told, I've never had to give up my bed for someone else. Never. This is a new concept for me to grasp and truth be told I'm really struggling to grasp it.
I know I shouldn't be acting the way I am (childish) but yet I am and did. I am actually really upset about the fact that I have a new bed but don't get to sleep in it until after my parent's leave.
I realize it's common courtesy and everything but like I said I've never experienced something like this.
My old daybed was a twin bed. The only type of bed I've ever had has been Twin sized. This is a Full bed now so two people can sleep in the bed now. So that's what my parent's are going to do. They are sleeping in the bed while they are here. Me on the other hand: I get demoted to my couch. Don't get me wrong. I love my couch and it's actually really comfortable but I'd much rather have my new bed to sleep in.
To make a long story short, there was an outburst over this fact and I was called selfish by my parents. They also said they were disappointed in me for acting this way.
I have some sharing issues. It's come from issues with my friends. This is what I've determined. I know I shouldn't lump my parents into them but I did. I don't understand it myself.
I don't know if I'm just so excited and jealous or what. But now I feel stupid for acting selfish. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling to my parents about the situation too. They don't get it and I guarantee if I could explain it, they wouldn't.
I know everyone has moments where they act selfish. I just wish I could better understand my reaction and could take it all back.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Falling off the wagon
I return to Denton in a little less than a week (Wednesday) and while I am missing my own place and my own bed, I am certainly not missing Denton itself.
I hate it there only because I don't have any friends there or know very many people. I have been there for over a year now and yet nothing has really changed. I know it's partly my fault for not being more out there. But as I've pointed out, there's reason why not.
What makes it worse is that now, the only neighbor I really knew and felt comfortable with is moving. Her family is still going to be in Denton but they will no longer be living in the complex. I knew this was coming eventually but still. She has 3 kids and it's only a 2 bedroom apartment. My last bit of safety net protecting me from the neighbor is now leaving.
It's just making things more difficult for me. It makes me less wanting to go back. It adds to the complexity of my current issues.
"Imagine me complexly"
The thing that gets me is the fact that I miss material things. I miss things like my own bed (although I'll be getting a new one when I get back. I'm overdue for a new bed) and really the idea of my own place.
I don't really miss the idea of being alone all the time and not being with my family. In a way I guess, I don't miss being a grown up. And yet part of me still does.
Things are always less complicated and complex when I'm with people who love and care about me. Namely when I'm home with my family. Things seem clearer. But because I don't have this in Denton, I'm forced to cope with it myself and I'm no good at doing that.
I'm getting better certainly with some help but still, having to be the grown-up is proving to be difficult for me.
The thing is that I need a bit more of social life. I have friends and they are brilliant. I'm so grateful for them. But the thing is: They aren't in Denton with me. They live elsewhere (relatively nearby but yet still too far away). I can't just call them up to come over for a game or movie night. I need friends in Denton. I don't need a lot of friends but just someone I can confide in and give me a reason to go back to Denton so I can hang out with them again. Right now I don't have that.
I have nothing tying me to Denton. I have no reason to go back and visit once I've graduated, found a job, and moved away. It's a bit sad but it's the truth.
Most of the stuff I've talked about so far has been said in other posts before. It's not new. Which leads me to the main reason I wanted to blog. I've essentially fallen off the wagon. A few months ago, things happened with an old online friend of mine. Something I did upset this person and she blocked me and in turn I dropped her as well. I also dropped another person I'd been attempting to develop a friendship with (ironically the two people were roommates) Yet, I still secretly followed them online. Finally, after seeking help, I decided to let go. Let go of people who obviously didn't want to be friends with me.
Yet I still had urges to keep up with them and see what was happening in their lives through social media sites and I did. Finally, I decided to stop. What I was doing wasn't helping me let go and so I stopped. I still got twitches wanting me to check their twitters but I resisted. I just kept telling myself it didn't matter and for awhile it worked.
Several weeks have passed (almost a couple of months now actually) and I hadn't thought about them. But tonight, I failed. I started looking at things online; sites that I hadn't been to in awhile (Dailybooth), and once again, I started seeing what was going on. Then I got on here and found out some more things since they've both updated their blogs. So yes I still follow them on a couple of places but it doesn't matter (or it didn't). It didn't affect me until tonight.
Really the reason I talked to them in the first place is because we shared things in common plus they were both attending the same college and living in Denton. In other words, they were people who I thought I could make local friends with. Obviously it didn't work out. I envy their friendship. I've already stated this. I want a friend like they have in each other. That's probably why I've fallen off the wagon and have started taking an interest in their lives again.
I'm panicking at the thought of going back to a place where I have no friends. Part of me wants to attempt to make friends with them again simply because I want friends in Denton. It's simply because they ARE in Denton and I do know them a bit from online communication. I know this is why their lives are seemingly important to me again.
Yet at the same time, they aren't all that important to me anymore. Not like they used to be. Sure, I still read their blogs and such but it doesn't matter to me so much. At least not right now, but we'll see how that is upon my return to Denton. Being in the general vicinity might change things. I can almost say with certainty that I'll go away from the Internet tonight and not visit their blogs again for a long while again.
Do I consider this progress? I do. I don't care so much about them anymore. I've mostly moved on. I have other things to deal with.
Will I fall off the wagon again? Probably. It's going to take time. I can't deny that. Eventually I'll have moved on completely and they won't matter at all.
They'll just be another faded memory.
I hate it there only because I don't have any friends there or know very many people. I have been there for over a year now and yet nothing has really changed. I know it's partly my fault for not being more out there. But as I've pointed out, there's reason why not.
What makes it worse is that now, the only neighbor I really knew and felt comfortable with is moving. Her family is still going to be in Denton but they will no longer be living in the complex. I knew this was coming eventually but still. She has 3 kids and it's only a 2 bedroom apartment. My last bit of safety net protecting me from the neighbor is now leaving.
It's just making things more difficult for me. It makes me less wanting to go back. It adds to the complexity of my current issues.
"Imagine me complexly"
The thing that gets me is the fact that I miss material things. I miss things like my own bed (although I'll be getting a new one when I get back. I'm overdue for a new bed) and really the idea of my own place.
I don't really miss the idea of being alone all the time and not being with my family. In a way I guess, I don't miss being a grown up. And yet part of me still does.
Things are always less complicated and complex when I'm with people who love and care about me. Namely when I'm home with my family. Things seem clearer. But because I don't have this in Denton, I'm forced to cope with it myself and I'm no good at doing that.
I'm getting better certainly with some help but still, having to be the grown-up is proving to be difficult for me.
The thing is that I need a bit more of social life. I have friends and they are brilliant. I'm so grateful for them. But the thing is: They aren't in Denton with me. They live elsewhere (relatively nearby but yet still too far away). I can't just call them up to come over for a game or movie night. I need friends in Denton. I don't need a lot of friends but just someone I can confide in and give me a reason to go back to Denton so I can hang out with them again. Right now I don't have that.
I have nothing tying me to Denton. I have no reason to go back and visit once I've graduated, found a job, and moved away. It's a bit sad but it's the truth.
Most of the stuff I've talked about so far has been said in other posts before. It's not new. Which leads me to the main reason I wanted to blog. I've essentially fallen off the wagon. A few months ago, things happened with an old online friend of mine. Something I did upset this person and she blocked me and in turn I dropped her as well. I also dropped another person I'd been attempting to develop a friendship with (ironically the two people were roommates) Yet, I still secretly followed them online. Finally, after seeking help, I decided to let go. Let go of people who obviously didn't want to be friends with me.
Yet I still had urges to keep up with them and see what was happening in their lives through social media sites and I did. Finally, I decided to stop. What I was doing wasn't helping me let go and so I stopped. I still got twitches wanting me to check their twitters but I resisted. I just kept telling myself it didn't matter and for awhile it worked.
Several weeks have passed (almost a couple of months now actually) and I hadn't thought about them. But tonight, I failed. I started looking at things online; sites that I hadn't been to in awhile (Dailybooth), and once again, I started seeing what was going on. Then I got on here and found out some more things since they've both updated their blogs. So yes I still follow them on a couple of places but it doesn't matter (or it didn't). It didn't affect me until tonight.
Really the reason I talked to them in the first place is because we shared things in common plus they were both attending the same college and living in Denton. In other words, they were people who I thought I could make local friends with. Obviously it didn't work out. I envy their friendship. I've already stated this. I want a friend like they have in each other. That's probably why I've fallen off the wagon and have started taking an interest in their lives again.
I'm panicking at the thought of going back to a place where I have no friends. Part of me wants to attempt to make friends with them again simply because I want friends in Denton. It's simply because they ARE in Denton and I do know them a bit from online communication. I know this is why their lives are seemingly important to me again.
Yet at the same time, they aren't all that important to me anymore. Not like they used to be. Sure, I still read their blogs and such but it doesn't matter to me so much. At least not right now, but we'll see how that is upon my return to Denton. Being in the general vicinity might change things. I can almost say with certainty that I'll go away from the Internet tonight and not visit their blogs again for a long while again.
Do I consider this progress? I do. I don't care so much about them anymore. I've mostly moved on. I have other things to deal with.
Will I fall off the wagon again? Probably. It's going to take time. I can't deny that. Eventually I'll have moved on completely and they won't matter at all.
They'll just be another faded memory.
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