I'll just say it right now: I am really not happy right now. I've experienced a whirlwind of emotions just trying to apply to Graduate School here. That's pretty much the whole problem. I've always intended to continue on to Grad school ever since I transferred here. I have always had my sights set on the Master's of Educational Technology with certification as a School Library Media Specialist. Or at least I did until quite recently. I completed all the required application materials on March 12 the last day before Spring Break. About a month later (I don't really know when it was), I received notice saying that my application was incomplete and that I had been denied admission at this time. Upon further inquiry, I was informed that I should try reapplying upon graduation. For the longest time this was the only response I received. Finally, I sent an email to the person in charge of the program. I was concerned about reapplying and having to go through this again with not being admitted. I received an email yesterday requesting that I stop by and see the person in charge so we could talk face to face. So today I did just that. The news wasn't good. She told me that I did meet all the requirements for the program but the reason I didn't get into the program is because they don't think it's right for me. This was a huge blow to me. Working for 2 years for a degree in Elementary Education in order to apply for this specific program and then being told that it's not right for you. It's just overwhelming. The concern is the fact that I don't seem to want to teach at all and think it's just all about books. I know that a School librarian is way more than just books and stuff. The program doesn't work for those who just want out of a traditional classroom. According to the new standards or something like that, a school library media specialist is like the "ultimate super teacher". The one that the other teachers look to for guidance. That type of thing. The lady in charge of the program feels that from our conversations, that I'm not this type of person. That I'm more suited to a public library than a school library. Most of the types of people like me fail to do well in a program like the one they provide. Basically, by denying me admission they are doing me a favor and saving me from this possibility. However, I don't believe that everything she said about me is entirely true but then again maybe it is. I've researched the classes and I believe that I would do well in the classes. I believe that I would be successful and that it's definitely something I'm interested in. Then again, maybe the real reason that I'm upset is the fact that what she said is closer to the truth than I'd like to admit. I have never really wanted to be a teacher. In truth I've always viewed this as just the first part before what I really wanted to do. Yet I've done well in all my classes and have passed all the required coursework. However, the more I think about it, the more I recognize the fact that my heart has never been fully into it. While I've enjoyed my classes for the most part and I enjoyed my student teaching a lot, it's not the same as it has been for my fellow classmates. They've wanted to be teachers and plan to be teachers. For me, it's never really been that. Perhaps the truth is that this isn't the degree I should be getting. Maybe this is just a worthless degree for me. This is bad. This is one of the things I've tried so hard to avoid because of my older brother. He has a Bachelor's degree but it doesn't do him any good. That's what I'm afraid mine will be now. It almost seems like the past 2 and half years was nothing now. The sad truth is that I'm sure that the lady is right. A school library isn't for me though I wish I could've been given a shot. But no.
The fact is that now I'll be moving on regardless. Wheather it be that I move to University of Arizona or to University of North Texas or. Those are my two options currently. University of Central Oklahoma was a choice at one point but since it's also School Library Media related, it's probably not worth trying there. The programs I'm looking at right now are all for a regular master of library science. The one at UNT is probably more the type of program I'm looking for because they do have an area for Youth Librarianship which is what I ultimately want to be. I still want to be a children's librarian. However, there is also a huge advantage to going to U of A because it's close to my parents and to my brother and his family. Right now, I don't really know which I'll eventually go to.
Of course, it's been a really rough day for me. I've been crying off and on since I found out. I'm trying to get through this and think about graduation in a couple of days but this has just sent me on a whirlwind of emotions. I'm not sure what to think. It's just overwhelming at the moment.
