A disappointment

I sometimes feel like I'm a huge disappointment to people. Specifically my older brother when it comes to certain movies or tv shows or music or (on the rare occasion) books.

My brother wants me to watch certain shows or movies quite often and frankly sometimes I'm just not interested in them. He also pressures me to watch certain movies like right then and there regardless of what else I might be doing.

Case in point: Scott Pilgrim. He begged me to go see it when it was in theaters and I didn't. He got a bit upset with me. Well he was disappointed with me and made it a point to remind me about seeing it when it came out on DVD.  I eventually did see the movie though and feel in love with it.

That wasn't the first time it happened. It's happens more often than you think.

 He wants me to go see certain movies right away and frankly I don't always have time to see them in the theater or even the money really. I hate that I feel like I'm being forced to see movies right away.
Like the Avengers. He (and my nephew) keep telling me over and over and over again to go see it. When I didn't see it right away, he was a bit disappointed in me because I hadn't. I did go see it though but it didn't seem soon enough for my brother.

But it's not just things like current movies either. For instance, I've never seen the movie Gremlins ever. My brother loves this movie. He grew up when the movie came out.  But I've never seen it and frankly have never cared to watch it either. It's things like this that when my brother finds out I haven't seen them, makes him shake his head and makes me feel like a huge disappointment to him.

It makes it worse when it's something my nephew who is 14 has even seen and I haven't! Like tonight, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I've never seen it and yet now my nephew is watching it.

Now I'm feeling like I'm a disappointment again simply because it's a "classic" movie that many people have probably seen but I haven't. Now my nephew is seeing it before I have even  seen it.

 Look I realize that my brother and I are two different individuals. We have our own likes and dislikes.  Sure there is some overlap but still we are unique.

I just hate feeling like a disappointment to him and I know that I'm not really. But things like this make me feel horrible about myself. Make me blame myself a bit because I haven't seen them. It makes me feel like I missed out on something and really when things like this happen, I don't feel like I have much of an excuse.

I just haven't seen them for one reason or another but frankly no reason is good enough. The only reason I really have is that I'm lazy. It's not always like I don't have time. Last semester, I had plenty of time to watch things like Doctor Who or go see movies like the Avengers. I just didn't and I really don't know why I didn't other than the fact that I was just lazy.

It annoys me. It's gotten to the point where I feel annoyed that I haven't seen certain things that my brother expects me to have seen.  I get angry because I feel like I'm such a disappointment. 

I don't know what he wants from me sometimes. I know he loves me and cares about me. He and I are close. But sometimes I just feel like he's trying to make me someone else I'm not.

Story of my life it seems: people disappointed in who I actually am or trying to make me someone I'm not. I know this is not true but sometimes it sure feels this way.

Moving complications

Something has happened that seems to complicate matters a bit in terms of me moving.  There may now  be a possibility of me staying in Denton.

First off, let me start off by saying that about a week ago, I sent in my rent for this month as well as a written 30- day notice saying that I was planning to move out by March 1st.  I also made an appointment with a doctor a bit earlier than necessary for the reason that I was going to be moving.  Since it was almost time for my yearly check-up anyway, I figured I might as well. That would give me a year to find a new doctor. Hopefully within that year, I'd also find a job somewhere else and get settled.

I had already basically prepared myself to move back home even though I still really don't want to. However things have already basically been set in motion. I had already resigned myself to moving home. In a way, I'd given up trying to figure out anything else. I've been really trying to figure out what to do next after I moved back home.

Well, it turns out that there is a position open at the library there in Denton. The position is for a Library Assistant II and is at the very library branch that my current apartment is located near: Emily Fowler.

I just found out this information yesterday and quite honestly, I'm not sure what to do. I'm going to apply since I'm being pressured to (and also because it is a good opportunity). But it does complicate matters a bit.

The position closes on Thursday. My parent's and I have already made plans to drive back to Denton next week, on the 13th. We were going to pack up my things and move them into storage that upcoming weekend. That's was the original plan. Now this might complicate matters.

Let's say I apply for the job and I get the job. Now what happens? I would probably be able to talk to my realtor and explain the situation and be able to stay in my apartment that I already have. That or perhaps I could move to a different apartment complex. Right now things are still uncertain.

However, a question was brought to me: Do I want to stay in Denton? Honestly, I don't know.  I mean I don't hate it there exactly, but at the same time, I don't exactly like it there for a few reasons.

I have better opportunities there but I still don't really know many people there. At least not many people my own age. I do have a friend now so that helps but still.

I already know the library staff which would make things a bit easier for me. So that's a plus.
Then there's the fact that if I were to get the job, I wouldn't have to move for awhile and I could continue to meet up with my friend.  Perhaps I'd even get the chance to meet some more people too.

But there's one thing that I'm not sure about: What about my therapy? I need to get back into it. That much is certain. I'm just struggling with way too much at this point to go without it for much longer.
However, that's a complicated matter too.

If I were to get the job, I'd be staying in Denton. I could go back to the Psychology Clinic or I could explore options outside the University. If I were to go back to the Psychology Clinic, I'm not sure I'd be able to get back with my same therapist that I had before break. Especially right now.

From some information given to me by a friend of mine, there's a patient wait list right now for the Clinic.  Being that I was already an established client prior to break, I might have a better chance of getting in. However, there's a really good chance that wouldn't be with my same therapist as I was before. Considering it's already been over a month since classes began for the semester, I'm sure she already has her clients for the semester. Also, I had already told her at the end of last semester that I was planning on moving back home to NM after the holidays.  So I'm pretty sure that I'd start over again with another different therapist. Then again maybe my therapists has some clients right now who aren't going to need her all that long. Perhaps she'd be freed up by the time I went back. Maybe she'd even see my name on the wait list and figure out a way to get me back as a client.  After all, I was already a client of hers before and we'd been making a lot of progress together.

I really wouldn't mind having to switch therapists again but at the same time I'm not exactly happy about it. I hate starting over  to be honest and feel like the inconsistency with therapists isn't helping matters. But that's the thing when you go to a training clinic. Really though, it's hasn't been all that bad having two different therapists at the clinic so far.

Even if I did manage to get my therapist back, I'm not sure how long I'd have her.  I don't know if I'd have to switch again later. I might actually have a better chance of keeping her though especially if I am still around during the summer.  Maybe I'd be able to get her back even if I couldn't get her for the rest of this semester.  Perhaps she wouldn't have to give me up as a client either when Fall semester came, if I was still in need of therapy then.

There's still too much uncertainty though. Still so many things that are unknown and it's all driving me crazy.

I don't really know if I want this. I mean, I guess I do but at the same time, I'm not sure. It's complicated. My feelings about this possiblity are complicated. It's all chance. There's still a lot of uncertainty.

Things haven't been determined yet and may or may not be determined. There's pros and cons about this job opportunity but I'm not sure if it's what I really want.

Getting the job, it would certainly buy me more time. I'd be living in Denton for a while longer which means that I wouldn't have to move back and forth between storage and home (which is how it seems to me otherwise).

But is it what I really want? I don't really know.  Then again though, I'm not sure what I really want anymore.