Mixed up emotions

My emotions have just been so mixed up lately and honestly, I think it's mostly due to the stress I'm under at work and how much I just can't stand the job.

I've said how I'm just not happy anymore and I'm not. I find myself in tears almost every night. Things just aren't going very well for me.

I'm downright miserable. It's like my emotions don't know what's going on.

My anxiety levels have been all out of sorts. I feel on the verge of anxiety attack far more often recently.
Today I had a moment while at Wal-Mart where I just started to feel like panicking and I just felt a bit odd for a few minutes. Like I was out of it and in a daze. I felt like crying for no apparent reason.

It passed almost as quickly as it came on.  I just tried to tell myself to calm down and take deep breaths. I also told my brain to shut up.

However, the feeling hasn't gone completely away and it hasn't in some time; the feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking down in tears. Also the feeling of just heightened anxiety.

After being off for about a week from work, when I returned last Thursday it was just like a shock to my system. I dreaded going in knowing the amount of things I had to get done.  I was on the verge of tears even before I went in.
It was only for 3 hours but even that seemed like a monumental task. Afterwards, my back and feet were so sore.

The next morning, Friday, I literally had to drag myself out of bed. I just didn't feel good mentally or physically. I guess it was my depression causing a lot of it.  I just felt awful all day.  I dreaded going in to work so much. I wasn't happy and I didn't feel like smiling at all. I just felt so tired and miserable and close to tears.

I was quiet and just not very upbeat at work. I laughed if something was funny but it felt odd. It was more forced laughter than anything. I tried really hard to put a smile on my face and seem happy but it was almost painful to do so.

Saturday wasn't much better either especially since I was woken up by a phone call from my boss at 5:30 AM. He wanted to know where the keys to the smoker were at. I had put them back but the other guy who'd come in to help me out had gone outside to check everything and he was the last to have them.  They found the keys when I'd called back. But I couldn't get back to sleep for the longest time. I finally managed to but I was still tired when I finally woke up. I was also not in the best of moods.

I don't know what's going on with my mind anymore. I don't know if my dosage is working much anymore. But then again, I don't really know what is going on. I feel close to tears almost constantly. I find myself basically crying myself to sleep far too many nights.  I have times where nothing is really triggering my anxiety and yet I'm still incredibly anxious for some reason.  I just get moments where I suddenly feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack and sometimes they are unexpected.

I just also feel tired a lot. Like I just don't get enough sleep even when I do. Especially on my days off. I feel like doing nothing but staying in bed and relaxing. I find myself feeling extremely tired in the afternoons during my days off when compared to the days I work. I also find myself having to drag myself out of bed more often.  Part of it could be due to the soreness but I'm sure it's also because I've just been extremely depressed.

I feel like my brain is just all mixed up once more. I find myself battling negative thoughts and just feeling like I'm stuck. I feel like I don't know what's going on with me anymore.  Why am I feeling so miserable? Why can't my brain just figure things out?

It's like I've gotten bad again and basically I have. It's like I'm back to where I was before I began treatment. It doesn't seem as bad but still pretty bad.

I know it's this whole job thing. The job I have and then trying to find another job and hearing nothing. I don't know how much more I can take of it all.  The whole thing is just so complicated.

I guess really though with everything going on, I really shouldn't be surprised that I'm having another "episode". Too many feelings about everything at once.

What makes it worse is that I'm basically fighting this battle alone. I don't have much support except from my online group, an anonymous chat website, and my therapist. My parent's really don't understand my struggles or mental health problems and I just feel like they aren't very supportive about the whole thing. I don't have any real friends here either. Not someone I could just call up and talk to about things. Basically I'm alone and lonely. I feel that far too much lately.

 I just am dealing with a lot right now and don't really know where to turn or what to do.  Even finding the right words seems difficult.  "I'm fine" I say when really I'm not. I'm really not fine and I haven't been.

I don't really know if any of this makes sense. I feel like once again I'm just rambling.

It could be worse

I know I've talked about this a bit on here before but I'm going to talk about it some more.

Lately, I've just been in very depressive state. It seems to be caused by the stress from my new job.
I just hate it so much. It seems to have made my mental health problems take a turn for the worse. It seems I've just gone downhill since I began working. I just don't feel happy anymore. I don't even feel like smiling.

Even when I do have rare moments of happiness, it doesn't seem genuine. I feel like I'm close to tears far too often again. I dread going to work so much that sometimes I feel like breaking down in tears.

I'm getting off subject though. What I really wanted to talk about was how despite having severe clinical depression, things could still be worse.

I'm talking about how despite having a majority of the symptoms that diagnose me as having clinical depression, there are some that I just don't have and have never really had.

I guess I just wonder why things aren't worse than they are for me.

For instance, a lot of people battle with suicidal thoughts when they are severely depressed. However, I didn't and really I still don't. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why either. Especially since I've gotten to low points where I felt like "Why bother?".  I've been to the point where I just felt everything was pointless.  There's been times where I've wanted to just disappear.

Yet despite all that, I've never really had suicidal thoughts. I've never thought of ending my life. I've certainly gotten to points where I was feeling so low yet, I could probably have but never did. It just is something that has never crossed my mind.

Another thing is that I never seemed to pick up on the idea of self-harm. Like with the suicidal thoughts, it was just something that I never considered. The idea of hurting myself on purpose with a sharp object just doesn't appeal to me and never has.

Now I'm not sure if this is do to inner strength that even I didn't know about or what. I guess I'm a fighter and stronger than I realized.

Although, recently I've been having thoughts of intentionally hurting myself just so I don't have to go in to work but I wouldn't do it. I've also had thoughts of just wishing I could reset my life but never doing something on purpose.

Sometimes I do get nervous around sharp objects when I'm in one of my moods. I guess it's just because I worry that I would hurt myself accidentally on purpose. I worry that I wouldn't be strong enough to resist despite never self-harming in the first place.

I don't know. I know I have depression and that it's pretty severe. But I guess really, things could be much worse than they already are. I'm strong and keep fighting even when I feel like giving up. Somehow, I just keep fighting. I find hope.

Yes, things are really bad at times and sure, I wish I didn't have to deal with them. Sometimes I even wonder if it would help me to check into a facility to help me out even more.

Somehow, I'm still here and still have hope. I keep fighting.

A mess of emotions

My new job is just horrible. I just downright hate it.  I dread every day I have to go in. I get knots in my stomach and feel like crying.

My manager is terrible. He rides on me so hard to get things done.

Twice last week, I broke down in tears while at work from the stress. I didn't break down in front of him though. I won't let him see.

I felt so broken down and I still feel like it. It's just been horrible. I've been wanting to quit for weeks now.

But my parents won't let me. They think this is good for me. They think if I quit now, I'll quit any time a job gets hard which is beyond true.

I just want out so badly. Every day I go in, I want to go home right away. I want to just walk out.

The job is just taking a toll on me physically and mentally.  At first, the job kept my mind distracted and busy so that I didn't think too much. However, that quickly ended. I don't feel happy anymore. I don't feel like smiling. I just feel numb. It's like the job has brought me into yet another depressive state.  I find myself breaking down in tears nearly every night after I come home. It's terrible.

Physically the job is taking a toll on me as well. I honestly don't know how much more my body can take. I'm sore all over. My lower back and both my feet are especially taking a beating. I feel like I can barely move at times. My right hand feels numb and tingly and has felt like this for several weeks now.

It's lucky I'm not triggered to self-harm. My hands and arms are just full of small cuts from who knows what exactly.   I also have a bunch of bruises on my arms and legs.  My poor hands are also suffering from the plastic gloves we are required to wear. My hands are so dry and peeling from the gloves and no amount of lotion is helping.

As for emotionally, I'm just such a mess. Take today for example, I'm off of work.  I should feel happy and relaxed and I do for the most part. However, I also feel like crying.  The release of emotions from having to keep them locked up while at work is just overwhelming. I try so hard to keep myself together while at work and try to stay strong but then it builds up and when I finally let it all out, I just feel like a mess.

It's not healthy for me to do this, but I don't have a choice.  In addition, on my days off, I just feel downright exhausted. No matter how much rest I seem to get, it never seems to be enough. I just feel so tired all the time. It's like my body just doesn't know how to react anymore.

I've been done with this job for weeks. I've been wanting out pretty much since I began.  Despite the fact that I'm young, my body is taking a toll and making me feel like I'm older than I actually am. I already had back problems before I began and now I feel like they've worsened. I also had problems with my feet before too. Putting myself and my body under this much physical activity can't be good for me either.
How much longer can my body take all this?

This job is just taking such a toll on me. I've already been broken emotionally and mentally. I get overwhelmed far too much and feel on the verge of an anxiety attack nearly every time I'm at work. My body doesn't feel like it'll take much more before it breaks down more than it already has.

I hate this job so much. I'm happier and more relaxed today because I'm not working. So that should say something.

I want this to end. I want someone else to hire me and now. I can't take anymore of this!! Please someone else hire me so I can quit!!