Confronting my fears again

Well it's official now. Tomorrow I'll be going to see a counselor again and getting back into therapy while I'm still home. I'll admit that I'm nervous a little bit. Ever since being home, things just haven't been nearly as bad as they were when I was in Denton. While they certainly haven't gone away, I just have been distracted to think about them so much. For one thing, I'm surrounded by family. That's one thing that has been problematic for me. I've felt lonely and now I don't feel lonely. I've got people who love me and I feel happy because of it. There's just something about being with family that makes everything seem less stressful even when I'm still stressed over things.

Things certainly have been better since I've been home. It generally always is.  I've had moments still don't get me wrong. Yet, for some reason, I've still been able to get through them a bit better than when I'm alone.

Truth be told though, I've thought about things since being home. The drive home certainly was difficult for me since my mom and I discussed some of the things going on. It was difficult and it's still difficult to talk about some of these things. Just because I've been going to therapy at the Psychology Clinic on campus and talking to someone it's still difficult.  I've certainly made progress but it's going to take time. Especially since I seem to find other things to talk about.  There are still some things that no matter how much I talk about it, will still be difficult to bring up. For instance, the incident. That'll take a long time to get over. I don't think I really ever will but hopefully it'll get easier to talk about.

I feel as though I've pretty much shoved things aside while I've been home.  Just put them away to deal with later. I guarantee that they'd show back up when I return to Denton. Of course at least I have help to deal with them. However, I don't know if I'd be willing to wait that long. Wouldn't it be better to confront them before I have to? 

Which is why I'm going to see this person tomorrow. It was my parent's suggestion. They found the person for me because they were concerned about me. I figured that it would be helpful to have someone here in my hometown to talk with as well.

It's a scary thought though. I'm going to be forced to confront the things that I've essentially run away from. I thought that once I'd left Denton for a short while, that I wouldn't really have to deal with things but now I'm going to have to. It's better for me to though. At least I hope it will be.

Motivation returns

Ever since the beginning of the semester, I've had little to zero motivation to do the work necessary for my classes. This has created problems for me. Namely the fact that I totally spaced on a couple of assignments for my School Library class and thus setting off a chain of me struggling to keep up and feeling lost.
I have no idea why the motivation hasn't been there. This really is the first time something like this has happened to me. I'm usually more on top of my classwork and such but not this semester.
It could be that I'm just burned out. I've been taking classes practically non-stop since graduating high school. The only breaks I got were when I couldn't take classes because my degree program didn't offer them.
I took classes this past summer. A couple of classes. One was a very fast paced class in Maymester and the other was throughout the whole Summer session.  My classes finished about a week before Fall semester began.
Maybe I'm just burnt out because I didn't get much of a break or something. I don't really know. Whatever the reason, it's taken until now for me to actually get motivated to do my classwork.I'm still not 100% motivated but I'm at least wanting to do my homework more and at least try to stay more on top of it.
Over the past week, I've actually had a stronger desire to actually do my work. There's still a strong desire to avoid doing the work (and specifically for my School Library class) but at least I'm doing it now.
Perhaps my therapy sessions have helped somewhat. The return of motivation seems to tie in with the beginning of my sessions. While we have mentioned finding strategies for helping me get more motivated we haven't actually discussed it much. Perhaps because my other problems are being dealt with I can put more focus into actually doing my work? 

A big mistake

This semester I'm taking a School Library class as one of my electives. I thought it was good to  expand knowledge about the different type of libraries. Was I ever wrong.

It was such a big mistake taking this class. I regret it so much now. I’d rather quit now and save myself the pain. It’s too late now though. Not worth the trouble required to drop it at this point. I’d have to contact the professor who’d have to give me permission to drop.  But then I’d have a big “WF” on my transcript forever. “WF” means Withdrawn/Failed. At this point, I’m not sure which would be worse: being free from the class and having the “WF” on my record or suffering through the class with the almost certainty of passing with a “C” and having to repeat the class (HECK NO) or taking another class. C’s aren’t good in grad school. B’s are ok but no C’s.  I don’t know which is worth it anymore. My professor said that I was on track to get at least a B but I don’t feel like I am anymore.  This is so stressful because up until this class I had a 4.0. Not anymore I’m afraid. I really don’t mind having a B but it’s slowly slipping away from me. Things aren't looking good. I don’t think my desire to quit a class has ever been this strong before now. I really do want to quit. I don’t know if it’s truly worth struggling through the rest of the semester when I really don’t know what’s going on. I read the textbooks and everything. I think it makes sense but then I get to the assignments themselves and I’m completely lost.

Sure my procrastinating makes it worse but even when I’ve managed to complete some assignments on time (which hasn’t been many at all), I’m still just as confused.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. It just seems that the longer I stay in the class, the worse it gets. The more lost I feel and the more frustrated I get.  So far, every time I've gone to work on an assignment regardless of it's the day it's due or before, I've had an emotional breakdown because I simply don't understand what to do. I read the textbook, look at the resources, and yet still it doesn't seem clear to me and I have not a clue why it doesn't.

My professor has been both helpful and not. She at least talked to her student assistant who now keeps in contact with me to make sure I'm doing ok. But when I've asked other questions, she's made me feel like I'm an idiot.

It doesn't help that I got off to a bad start with the class in the first case. I did the first assignment but didn't completely understand it. But I didn't worry too much about it since it was only the first assignment. Sometimes that's how it is with first assignments.  Once I start getting into more of the course material, I usually understand what's going on. 

But then the unexpected happened. I totally spaced on the 2nd assignments. It was 2 of them and I just completely spaced on the deadline.  I just didn't at what I had to get done and missed it completely. I've never done that before and felt so horrible about it.  Well after missing those couple of assignments (and a discussion post), I was determined to not let that happen again.

I've tried. Honestly, I have. But I still just can't understand half of what's going on in the class. I just feel so incredibly stupid and I know that I'm not.  I hate feeling this way.

I feel like an outsider with this class as well being that most of the others in the class are teachers or educators of some type. I'm not! It's not a requirement that I need to be a teacher but it certainly seems to help.  The other thing is that most of the others are in the School Librarianship program of student and as such they have a Mentor Librarian to help them out. Well, I'm not in this program of  study and therefore I don't have a Mentor librarian Again, not a requirement but it certainly  would help I think. According to the professor, if I read all the lessons and listen to the lectures and everything, I should be fine. I've been informed that I’m not the only one who isn’t in the School Library program taking this class and yet I feel totally alone. 

I have done so great on the assignments either. I feel like I work really hard at them and still don't do that well. Even the assignments I feel I did well on seem to be not what she's wanting and I simply don't get it. I think I understand something and finally feel like maybe it's starting to make sense but then get shot down.

The student assistant for my School Library class has been so kind to help me with the assignments after I told the professor that I was struggling. It was nice of her to talk to her assistant and ask her to help me. I’m grateful for that.  At least the student assistant has been trying. Yet even with her help I feel like things haven't improved very much.  At least I feel I can talk to the assistant more that I can to the professor.

Everytime I've tried to talk to the professor she makes me feel more like an idiot and makes me feel worse than I did before. She told me I need to ask more questions in class and when I do she accused me of not using the help she's offered me when I have. Sometimes though, I need an answer almost right away and the student assistant hasn't yet answered me! I've pretty much stopped trying to talk to the professor now. I feel like she thinks I'm a big idiot and that I'm just wasting her time.

Really though I'm just done with this class. It was such a mistake to begin with. I really despise this class If one thing this class has taught me it's that I'm not cut out to be a school librarian.   I wont even recommend this course to anyone who isn't planning to be a school librarian. It's not worth it.

I've wanted to give up with courses before but didn't. This is the first class that I got so close to actually pulling out. It's the closest I've been. I honestly don't think I would've regretted it had I actually dropped it. It would have bothered me at first but honestly I feel that I would've gotten over it fairly quickly. Certainly I wouldn't feel as stressed out as I do.

It's just all a big mistake. 

Academically gifted?

My brain seems to be constantly thinking about things. Random things at that. More so lately it seems. I think that is because of I've been having to delve into my mind more during counseling and therapy sessions.
 One of the things I've been thinking about how smart I really am. I think about this off and on. Today I was reading one of my books and it talked about another book called IQ 83. It just made me think. I don't know what my IQ is. I know I'm smart. I'm by no means a genius or anything like that.  It's something that I am curious to find out about though someday maybe.

It got me thinking though. I don't even know if I've ever actually had IQ tests or not. I do remember back in Elementary school some person coming over to our house and having me do a variety of tasks. I remember one involving paper circles of different colors or something like that. I don't remember anything else or why the lady was even there in the first place. For all I know, it could have just been someone needing to run a test on a child as part their degree program.  Maybe it wasn't anything meaningful after all. If it was an IQ test of sorts then I'm not sure how I did and what it meant.

I do remember though in Elementary school participating in a special program; GEMINI or at least that's what I think it was. I just remember back in like 2nd or 3rd grade I and several other classmates would get pulled out of class once a week. We  would go to one of the empty portables or sometimes an empty classroom and do a variety of puzzles for awhile. I remember one time we worked with a bunch of Tangrams. I don't remember how long I was in this program or whatever it was, I just know that by the time I was in 6th grade I wasn't going anymore.  In fact, I don't even know if they had a program like that anymore because I don't really remember students getting pulled out of class.  Well, now that I think about it, I think maybe a couple of kids were pulled out for something like this or possibly for other things.

I guess I never really knew what that special program truly was. It was only later in High School that I thought it might have been some type of GEMINI program.  

I've always been pretty intelligent I guess seeing as I generally did well in school. I mostly got A's and B's. That and I loved to learn and was always curious about things. I loved school.  Perhaps I was gifted and still am.

I definitely wasn't in the GEMINI program in high school though.I did try to test into the program on my own though just because I wanted to see if I could get into it. I had friends that were in the program. They showed me the classroom where they could go during lunch and I was welcome to hang out with them too and so I did.  That's how I learned a little more about the program and thought about try to test into it. I took the test but ended up not getting into the program. I didn't really understand the results or what the Gifted teacher said. All I know is that I was close but not close enough to actually get into the program. So if I was gifted when I was younger, I didn't seem to be so much anymore in high school. 

Yes, I wasn't in the gifted program or anything and yet most of my high school teachers and even the guidance counselor's assumed I was.  It was certainly interesting when I would meet with the counselors and they would ask me if I was in the program and I'd have to say I wasn't.  I'm pretty sure that they thought I should be and they assumed I was already. In fact based on their reactions, they seemed shocked to learn I wasn't. Of course, I hung out with people who were in the gifted program and spent most of my lunches in the gifted room. Perhaps that had something to do with the fact that they just assumed. I'm thinking not though. 

It's something I may never know for sure. I guess I did have IQ tests but I doubt I'll ever learn what the results were.  Am I still gifted? Was I ever gifted? Sometimes I wonder. 

I guess it's just a mystery about me and I'll never really know.

Online vs. IRL classes

I've been thinking a lot tonight about how perhaps online classes aren't the best fit for me.

Now this sounds a bit strange coming from someone who spends nearly all her time living on the Internet.

It's not so much that online classes are more difficult than face to face classes. They are more difficult in the sense that you have to be more self-disciplined and stay more on top of things since there isn't much interaction like there is with face-to-face classes.

I've taken online classes before when I was both at my community college and at OSU. Online classes aren't new to me.The problem is that I haven't had an entire degree program that is online. The only classes that I could have taken online where the 3 core courses. However, the times didn't work out for me. So I ended up opting for the Web Institute and online. The Web Institute was all day in class sessions at the beginning of the semester. For a few days over the weekend, I would go to class with other students where we were given a basic overview of the projects and class itself and what we would be covering the rest of the semester. It was boring but nice since I did get to interact with some of my classmates. After the Institute the classes continued online for the rest of the semester. Other than those 3 classes, I haven't had any real interaction with my classmates. Sure some of them I've had in other classes and therefore recognize their names but it's not the same.


If you've read any of my blog postings over the past couple of months, you already know this semester has been a struggle for me. I've been wanting more social interaction this semester. I want to have friends here in that I can get together with on the weekend.  I really am lonely here and it sucks. This past weekend spent with my friends meant so much to me. It pains me to think I can't have a weekend like that every other weekend or so.

I love the Internet and love my online friends. Yet, I do wish I had IRL friends. Lately, I found myself growing tired of the Internet. I get bored of it. But since I don't really know what else to do, I still do things online. It's almost like it's become the only life I know anymore.

Going back to online classes, I feel as though this relates somewhat. In a discussion with the Children's Librarian this afternoon, it was discussed how she was in one of the last grad students to actually have face-to-face classes for the degree program. After that, classes went online. She had physical classes to attend. Online classes weren't possible because they didn't exist yet.

Now this might make the librarian seem old but really she's not. When you think about it, online classes haven't really been around all that long. But this got me thinking.

While online classes have been great for me in terms of being able to travel home during breaks and still be able to keep up, I can't help but miss the physical human interaction. Perhaps it has been more of a detriment for me taking online classes.

Like I said, I've taken plenty of online classes before so why should it make a difference now? Well, it does because at least with the other online classes I took, I still had at least one or two face-to-face classes. I still had the physical interaction with others. I don't have that anymore. None. All of my classes are online with no chance of physical interaction.  That plus the fact that I don't have a job has meant social interaction opportunities are slim to nonexistent. More the latter.

As I've said before too, I don't even need to physically be in Denton. Which is nice for online classes. Yet I have no clue where I should be or much less what I should be doing instead, so here I am in Denton taking online classes and pretty much living in my own world of my apartment, locked away from the real world.

I hadn't really thought about it much before but perhaps I'm just someone that needs a little bit of that physical human interaction.  I thought I was quite content living my life online but now I'm not sure anymore. I'm a nerd and therefore am awkward in social situations. This isn't unusual for people like me.  Yet it seems to be causing more problems for me than ever before.

I honestly feel that I want the face to face classes. I wish that were an option because I would seriously consider it. I might even consider doing half online and half face to face given that choice. I feel I would be much happier that way. I wouldn't have to give up the Internet entirely but yet I'd get the much needed socializing and interaction. Not to mention that I'd have a reason to at least get out of my apartment more.

Perhaps that is why up until now, things haven't been this difficult for me. The fact that even with the online classes I took, I still had other face to face classes that put me with others and forced me to be sociable.  Take all that away from me and I basically turn into a hermit. A lonely hermit struggling to find a way out of her shell but is afraid to.

Truth be told, I feel like the more I live on the Internet, the less sociable I become and the more difficult it becomes to actually be sociable. I feel as though people are less personable. Take my current advisor for instance. With my advisor at OSU, I saw her and got to know her because I had face-to-face communication. Therefore, I developed a relationship with her and that's why I still communicate with her on a regular basis. I had to meet with her every semester in order to get things in order to register and make sure I was on track. Then there were times I just had to talk to someone and she was there for me. It's different now.

I don't know my advisor here hardly at all. I've only talked to her once or twice on the phone and through email. She was one of my professors for some of my online classes and I saw her a couple of times at Web Institute but that's it. I don't know her that well nor do I feel like I can talk to her.  After the first semester talking to her, I've pretty much been on my own. Signing up for classes and just going through things on my own. Making sure I have everything planned out. I formed a degree plan with her but that's really it. Nothing else has really happened.  I feel as though I'm just a number and not a person to this advisor.
Right now I'm so confused and lost about planning my next semester and I don't know how to even begin getting things planned out. I have to set up an internship/practicum and I have not a clue where to begin. I know I could just talk to someone but I don't really know who to talk to. I guess I could go talk to the general advisor but I don't know. I want to go to the campus but I remember from previous visits how difficult it was to even find someone to talk to. So even though I want the physical interaction, it seems like the whole college is making it extremely difficult. They seem to be pushing me toward more of the online interaction.

I don't know what to think anymore. I almost feel as though the Internet is mainly to blame for my current problems. I feel as though online classes have had a part in me being the way I am right now. Like I haven't had much choice.

Online classes are great but come at the cost of physical human interaction.

Texas State Fair Adventures

I want to write this up so I don't ever forget and so I can look back when I feel lonely and remember how much fun I had.

Yesterday afternoon, I met up with my Oklahoma friends (and collab channelmates!). I had a session yesterday and therefore was unable to do anything until after 11.  My friends, Travis and Erin came up to  Denton and we went and had lunch at J&J's Pizza on the Square. Then it was fair time!! We got to the fair and thanks to it being Coke-a-cola Thursday were able to get admission for only $5! (You brought an empty 12oz soda bottle).  So much fun was had. We walked around for a bit and eventually ended up at the Midway. We all bought some tickets to go on some rides. My friend Travis and I went on the Crazy Mouse coaster. So much fun!Although afterwards, I did feel like I was a bit drunk and couldn't walk straight for a little bit(It did spin a bit). But it wasn't too bad.  Afterwards, we walked around some more looking at some of the midway games and other things. We visited a greenhouse and cooled off for a bit. We played a throw a ball into a cup game where Travis won a small prize for Erin and a beer bottle ring toss game. Our friend Kate called to let us know she was on her way. While we waited, we visited one of the exhibit halls.

Kate arrived and we met her at "Big Tex", a big statue man thing.  Then the fun really began!! We all headed back to the Midway area and went on the Texas Star Ferris wheel. It was fun. After that we decided to get some munchies before riding anything else. I didn't get anything to eat yet, just in case but I did get some lemonade to drink since I was thirsty and hadn't had anything to drink in awhile.

We sat at a table near a couple of rides while we enjoyed our munchies. Afterwards,  Kate and I went on a mini-coaster called The Windstorm. WOW! It was fun but also a bit more intense than I thought. But still so much fun! After that, Kate and Travis decided to go on a spinny ride where you spun around and then the floor dropped out from under you but you don't fall because you're stuck to the wall from spinning so fast. There was a live video feed that I learned about afterwards. I was curious about this so I watched as another group of people went on the ride. It was certainly insane! Not for me!

Kate and Erin decided they wanted to go on the Swings and so we went over to that ride and watched. I should mention here that I brought my video camera and had been filming off and on all afternoon since we arrived. Also taking pictures.My camera had also been passed around between us.  So I filmed while Kate and Erin were on the swings. 

I used to love the Swing ride but can't do it or really any spinny ride because I get motion sickness. I would be miserable afterwards and couldn't enjoy the rest of the fair. If I took medicine to prevent it, I would be able to do more spinny rides but then I would be walking around like a zombie since the medicine would make me drowsy. So the simple solution is to just avoid them entirely.  I'm talking about really really spinny rides. Things like a carousel don't have that effect on me.

Afterwards we all got something to munch on. I had seen fried coke and decided to try that. We all just got different things and sat at a table just chatting and watching people on the rides. We also spontaneously would burst out singing songs that were playing on the rides. It was then that we decided that we should go karoakeing tonight. So plans are being set to do that.

It was getting dark by this point and the lights were coming on. Everything was just really pretty. We walked around and occasionally would also dance a bit. We played a couple more midway games and finally we decided that we wanted to ride the carousel.That was our last ride for the night. While in line, we  heard the song "Dynamite" playing and sang along and danced a bit to it. Got some weird looks from people but went ahead and did  it anyway.The carousel was fun but I realized like 2 secs after the ride had begun moving that I had gotten a stationary horse! Darn it! Oh well! I still enjoyed it anyways and it was actually kinda helpful since I was filming us.  Afterwards, we find a grassy area with some white rocking chairs and collapsed into them. We were tired of walking around.

After a little while we decided to find the light show thing that was supposed to happen. Turns out it was a light show thing with lights over the midway area. We also saw some occasional fireworks shooting off. We eventually ended back up in a sitting area around Big Tex. My friends all have Ipod touches or smartphones and were able to find Internet and got on it (This is totally normal for us. We live on the Internet). I don't have a smartphone or an iPod touch so I just sat and watched for awhile. They did that for a bit while we just sat around. (We were dead tired and our feet were tired to from walking). I was interested in getting a corn dog in honor of Hank Green so we found a booth and I got my corndog. We ventured in another direction just chatting and looking at things. Ended up at a little barnyard area with some animals: pigs, bunnies, puppies, and kittens. Most were asleep but it was still nice looking at them. We then stumbled across a little dance party going on. They were playing the Cupid Shuffle and people were actually dancing it. Kate, Erin, and I all joined in and danced while a group of people watched. Then they started playing the Cha-Cha Slide and Travis joined in. Just a random dance party and it was so fun!

After that we just continued walking and headed out. We had so much fun and we were all tired. Kate dropped us off at the place we parked and we parted ways. Travis and Erin brought me back to Denton and then drove back to Dallas.

I was exhausted and sore but it was so worth it.

That was my State Fair adventures. I had a great time. I needed this so much. It's been awhile since I just got out and had fun with friends being that I don't have any friends here. Yesterday meant so much to me especially with everything that's been going on my life.

Thanks guys!

More complicated and emotional than I originally thought

I seem to be blogging every time I have a counseling session now. Well afterwards I mean. I find that to be pretty interesting.

So last week at my session, it was discussed how I might want to seek more long term counseling at the Psychology Clinic. Well, today was my first appointment; the intake. I'll admit I was nervous because this is different for me. It's a different experience. It's more involved and such than the counseling I'm currently in. This is supported by the amount of paperwork I had to fill out. Lots of information. My appointment wasn't actually until 11 but because I had a lot of paperwork to fill out, I had to be at the clinic by 10. Of course, the buses weren't running on time and I almost didn't make it in time.

A lot of things were discussed and questions answered. As it was just the intake appointment, they just wanted to get a basic idea of the problems I'm having. I'll find out within a week more specifics such as who my therapist will actually be.

I've noticed that I'm very emotional in many sessions. I broke down twice today. It was justifiable for why I did today though. However, I can't help but think that I'm just an emotional person. At least when it comes to talking about things. I've broken down almost every single time I've been to a session this semester. It happened quite a few times last semester as well.  I try to tell myself beforehand that I won't get emotional yet it still happens. There are a few times where I've managed not to break down but it doesn't happen very often. It's not just when I've been in Denton either. When I was in counseling in Oklahoma, I broke down a couple times there as well. I certainly did in the first few sessions and then it got better.  That doesn't seem to be the case so much this time.

I'll admit that I'm a bit tired of it. I wish I could just explain things  without getting emotional over them. But then again, I guess it helps being emotional. Perhaps it explains a lot. I don't really know.

What I want to know is why I get so emotional every time? Maybe it's because everything finally catches up with me and I don't know how else to deal with it or something? Whatever the reasoning, I just hope one day I can get through a  session without getting too emotional.

Another thing I've discovered by going to counseling is the fact it seems I keep discovering more and more things to talk about. It seems as though the more I think and talk about things, the more problems and things I come up with that relate to my current situation. It's almost as if every little thing that bothered me when I was younger or was a problem then, has contributed to everything going on with me now.

I answered a lot of questions today and gave a lot of information. Yet, I can't help but feel as though I'm just barely scratching the surface of my problems. I feel like it would take days to explain everything that has ever happened to me that could relate to my current situation. Yet even then, I don't think I'd get through everything. There are things I know I should probably have mentioned today but I didn't. Things I didn't think about until I got done. Things that I've mentioned in some of my blog posts but never really thought about mentioning in person.

For instance, I didn't mention about what I thought in 8th grade. I know that's probably important but I found I couldn't really mention it at the moment. I mean at some point, I will mention it to them. I'll admit that I'm a little concerned what bringing this up might mean. Also some of the other things that occurred when I was younger. For instance, shoving people because they made me upset. Things like that. Look I know being a kid is different than being an adult but still.

I can't help but think of everything going on in my life now and how little things from when I was younger could relate. How my being an outcast in my groups of friends could be the reason I don't have many friends now or how I can't seem to make friends. How I was made fun of for not fitting in. How I've always seemed to felt like an outsider. Things like that.

See what I mean? My problem seem to go deeper than I originally thought. Yet it all seems to relate and make sense.

I know it's just the first session and that I can't explain everything in one session. I know as time goes on, things will come up and be discussed. It's just the intake session to get a basic knowledge of what's going on. I can't expect things to be fixed after just one session. I understand this. It's going to take time. Who really knows how long.

Things are a lot more complicated than I originally thought.

Cross the Bridge or Fade Away?

Today was yet another session. Yet more things to think about. It was discussed that I seem to be on the fence about a lot of things and especially about change. I'm a bit concerned that maybe my counselor thinks he can't do much else if I'm not willing to change. I am but also not. It's complicated. One thing is certain is that because I'm currently in short-term counseling and only have 8 sessions available, he feels as though I might want to seek long-term counseling at the Psychology Clinic on campus which I've already set in motion. This is also one reason I sought counseling in the first place, to get information on other resources.

However it was during our conversation about me being on the fence about changing that I thought  about a different analogy. In talking about the fence, my counselor also mentioned something about a bridge. This made me think of a song by one of my all time favorite music artists: Elton John.  In his last album, there is a song titled "The Bridge". This song has always held special meaning for me but now it holds even more meaning after this session. I told my counselor about the song and he seemed interested.

The Fence analogy made me think about a bridge and this song and especially the chorus lyric:" Do you cross the bridge or do you fade away?"  
That's what I need to decide about my life. Do I decide the change or just let it go? Or do I just
stay in the middle of that bridge forever? Crossing the bridge seems scary to me and I'm not sure if I'm ready to do so yet.

I've seen the bridge and the bridge is long
And they built it high and they built it strong
Strong enough to hold the weight of time
Long enough to leave some of us behind

My bridge certainly is long and difficult. At times it may seem like it'll crumble at any moment but it remains strong standing the weight of time leaving some of us behind. I don't want to be left behind. I want to continue on it and eventually cross it.

Standing on the bridge looking at the waves
Seen so many jump, never seen one saved
On a distant beach your song can die
On a bitter wind, on a cruel tide
 
Many people simply give up and don't ever bother trying. If I don't try I might as well jump into the waves. End everything and just remain stuck. I can't give up, I have to try and change.

And the bridge it shines
Oh cold hard iron
Saying come and risk it all
Or die trying

Do I though? Do I truly risk it all if it means that my life drastically changes for the better? Do I die trying just making those small steps across it? That might sound morbid but it's really not. It just means that it's not going to be easy. I know it won't be. I know I have to make those small steps even if they mean it's difficult.


And every one of us has to face that day
Do you cross the bridge or do you fade away
And every one of us that ever came to play
Has to cross the bridge or fade away

 Perhaps today is my day to face the bridge and decide whether or not to cross it.  Everyone has to face it at some point. Perhaps now it's my turn. I can either cross it or just fade away, fall back into my despair, remaining stuck in the life that I'm so unhappy with.


I don't really know if this post really makes a lot of sense or not.  The point is that I have to be the one to decide whether to move forward or not. It's me who has to decide to take those small steps to crossing the bridge.

 

The song truly is wonderful and has a strong message that everyone should hear.

Things I wish.... (a poem of sorts)

I wish I could move away from here
I hate it here
Somewhere I didn't feel so alone
Somewhere I felt truly safe

I wish I lived closer to campus
To feel more connected to others
To make it easier to get to know people

I wish I didn't feel so lonely
That I could get out more
That I wasn't afraid to talk more to people

I wish I had more friends
That my social life wasn't so nonexistant

I wish I still lived in Stillwater
Where at least I felt happier
And knew more people

I wish I could go back in time
And stop myself from getting my Undergrad degree
From getting something that was worthless in the end
Although I don't know what degree I would get instead

I wish I could figure out what's going on with my life
Why things have gotten so difficult lately.

I wish I knew where my life ended up
If I'd truly end up happy with the way things turned out.

I wish I didn't have to be an adult all the time
That I didn't have to grow up
That I could be carefree and innocent once more

I wish my emotions weren't so confusing
I rarely know what they're doing anymore

I wish I knew how I felt anymore
Everything just seems to be mixed up

I wish I could simply smile again
Be truly happy

I wish that
Everything would be simply be better again

I wish.

Original college goals

I can tell you that my original college plans weren't the ones that I have now or am currently working on.

The general going to college and getting a degree were always the plan since I was young. I always knew I wanted to go to college.  I just never  really knew what I wanted or even where I wanted to go.

Ever since I was little, I was fascinated by being a Dentist and for the longest time I thought that I wanted to become one myself. In fact, up until I was a high school freshman I still thought that's what I wanted to do. But then an English research paper assignment on careers changed all that. I researched what was required to be a Dentist and I didn't feel as though I would be able to handle all that. All the Science and Math involved freaked me out. Math wasn't my strongest subject and I didn't think I would be able to handle such advanced courses like Calculus. Also, all the schooling involved. I didn't think I really wanted to be in school that long. 

So I abandoned that career choice and started trying to think of a new one.  I knew I was interested in doing something with Science because I really loved Science but I had no idea what.  I eventually thought I wanted to be some sort of Chemist or something and eventually wanted to be a Forensic Scientist. Yes, part of it was because I really liked CSI and such. But I had also seen the real shows on Discover and was just fascinated by everything. I didn' t really want to be a field agent because I didn't want to deal with the dead bodies (that part just creeped me out too much). I wanted to be one of the lab technicians and stay in the lab. I just found that part fascinating.  That was my new career choice and I stuck with it at least until I was in college. Then a cousin of mine gave me more information about my career choice telling me about all the Chemistry classes and advanced Math courses I'd have to take and how my grades would have to be really really good. Again, the advance Math courses freaked me out. I still wasn't strong in Math and I didn't want to have to struggle through Calculus and such. Also based on the fact that I was in a Pre-AP/ AP Chemistry course and was  already struggling made this choice seem highly unlikely.

So I abandoned that career choice as well. I really didn't know what I wanted to do anymore and was actually pretty depressed. I still thought science was the way I wanted to go but I didn't know what direction to go anymore. The only science I felt I was really really strong in was Earth Science. Fossils, Rocks, and Minerals, that type of thing. Earth Science was such a strong interest of mine. Part of it was probably because of the Magic School Bus computer game I had. Who knows? All I know is I loved to collect rocks and learn about them. I loved the idea of Caverns and Volcanoes. I found all that stuff fascinating. It helped too that I did well in the State Science Olympiad events that dealt with Fossils and Rocks and Minerals.  But when I looked into the career options for such things, there really wasn't much choice and I didn't really know if it was truly what I wanted to do.

The only thing I felt really made me happy anymore was a library. I really loved libraries and I was working in one at the time.  I felt as though I would be happiest being in a library the rest of my life. I mean I really really loved what the children's librarian was doing and I felt that I could be happy doing exactly that. That's when I decided to pursue a Library Science degree.

However, there was a slight problem. In order to get a decent library job I'd have to get a Master's degree. This was not a problem. I somehow always intended to pursue an advanced degree. The problem was what about an Undergrad degree? I wasn't required of me to have a specific undergrad degree in order to get into a Master's program so what was I going to do. Well after talking to my cousin, it turned out that a Library program for a Master's existed at the college he worked at (he was a coach for the Women's Track team). I knew I wanted to work with children and specifically school aged children. So I thought, perhaps a school librarian.  I knew I wanted to be a librarian and work with children but didn't knew exactly where.

When I looked into the master's program, I thought that it was what I wanted.  However, it required me to get an Elementary Education or Early Childhood degree first. While I never really intended to go into teaching, I thought maybe. At the least, it was just another step to my ultimate goal. I didn't really know. I went into the Elementary Education program with the intention to continue on afterwards with a Master's program; Library Media Specialist. I went into the program knowing full well I didn't want to be a teacher. A knowledge I kept throughout the entire time I was in the program. Even my classmates that I got to know knew this fact. I was asked constantly why I was in the program if I wanted to be a school librarian and I would tell them it was requirement.  I thought maybe I would grow to enjoy teaching but I never really did. I liked my classes for the most part but really the student teaching is what sealed it for me. Maybe if I had been at a different school things would have been different but I don't believe so. I hated student teaching and it was then I pretty much decided teaching certainly wasn't for me. Of course that was also the last semester and it was pretty much too late to do anything else. To make matters worse, I ended up not getting into the master's program and my life was suddenly turned into chaos.  My future was cloudy; unknown. 

Talking to my advisor and the head of the Library Media Specilist (when I questioned why I was denied into the program), it was decided that perhaps I should look into Youth Librarianship since that seemed to be a better fit for me. That's how I ended up here at UNT and how I ended up here in Denton.

As I've said numerous times before, I don't really need to be living here in Denton in order to be working on my degree. My classes are all online, I could really live at home or somewhere else.   I'm not happy here at all. I really am not. I don't know really even know anyone. I'm completely and 100% alone. 

Things have been going on lately (well pretty much ever since moving here) that have made me question if I still really want my degree. Well more people have made me think about that. The thing is that I still feel as though I'm in the right degree program and still want to do it. It's just I don't know. I haven't been motivated as much this semester to do much of anything. I'm full time so I could try and get an assistant ship but haven't really tried. My classes are just ok, not nearly as interesting as I thought. One is a School  Library Media class which I now feel taking it was a huge mistake to even take. I have a Practicum planned for next semester that I have to get going on getting fixed up in order for other things to take place. Really the truth is that while I'm ready to be done with my degree, I'm also not really ready to go out in the real world.

I still feel I made the right degree choice though. I still feel as though Library Science is really where I'm supposed to be. I don't really know. Sometimes I wish I could just time travel into the future to find out really where I ended up and if I'm happy. It would certainly calm my nerves.

The other thing is though. I originally planned to have a couple of minors. My minors have never really changed. I've had these minors planned pretty much since I began college. I want to minor in both Spanish and in Music. I love music and my piano and would love to be able to do something with it. Have a backup. The thing is that I haven't had the chance to really focus on my minors at all. Things just haven't worked out that way. By the time I transferred to OSU, my schedule was full of specific degree requirements and I just wasn't able to take anything else. I could have taken classes now as a graduate student and I did look into it some. But the issue of financial aid comes into effect and I'm not entirely sure how it would work out.  Also at this point, I'm literally out of time to even work on getting any minors. I only have a couple more semesters left after this one and then I'm gone. I don't want to stay here in Denton any longer than I have to. I just want to stay as long as necessary to get my degree and get out.

I still want to get my minors though. I still am determined to get them somehow. I need that backup even more now since it turns out my Undergrad degree is pretty much useless. I don't really ever plan on teaching. It just wasn't for me.  It's also important for me because my brother didn't have minors. He didn't have a backup degree. He's told me not to be like him. He doesn't want me to be like him. He wants me to have backups. I agree. I don't want to not have anything to fall back on. This is why I still want to get my minors. The thing is that now I'll have to get my minors once I'm working. This is my new plan. Although, I seem to be burnt out as far as school is concerned, still, I really do want to get my minors. A few more semesters while I'm also working wouldn't really be so bad. Besides I really want this. Wherever I end up, I hope and plan to get my minors.

My plans have changed so much and yet I still keep going.Sometimes I can't help but wonder if it's really what I want. I think so and it feels like it's right.  All I know is that plans can change. So far mine hasn't changed too much lately and I'm determined to stick to it as much as possible.

Banned Books Week: Importance to me

Banned Books week is this week (September 24-October 1). For me as a future librarian, this week is extremely important and I try to do something to celebrate it each and every year.
It's not surprising that this event is important to me as a future librarian. This fact isn't surprising at all. Especially as a Youth librarian this isn't surprising. However, for me banned books week goes even further than just me being an MLS student.

When I was younger, Banned Books week didn't mean a lot to me. I just didn't pay as much attention to it. It was more when I started working at my hometown library that it really became important to me. Also when a certain event took place in my hometown.

In high school and first couple years of college, my hometown would celebrate Banned Books week by holding events. The college library, Townsend library at NMSU-A, and the Public Library, Alamogordo Public Library, joined together this week to put on events. The college holds a Read Out on the courtyard patio area. Other events included movies and discussion groups based on banned/challenged books. Lately, a costume contest has been part of it. 

I tried to participate in the events as much as possible. I did the Read Out one year, reading the intro passage from The Witches by Roald Dahl.  It was actually during this same year that my picture was on the front page of the local newspaper for Banned Books week.  I was visiting the Townsend library one day after classes (or between I don't really remember)when I stumbled across their Banned Books display. I was just looking at the different books along with another girl (I didn't know her) when a newspaper photographer asked to take our picture with the display.  I picked up a Harry Potter book(It was Goblet of Fire) and the girl picked up another book. The next day a bold faced caption for the picture read "Harry Potter is my friend" right on the front page.Followed by an article talking about Banned Book week.

It was truly amazing for me but I was also a little bit worried about the declaration since it made me seem like a target for those people that hated Harry Potter. I have no regrets about my book choice. But I just couldn't help think back to the even that took place a few years ago and how that photo caption pretty much told the supporters that I liked Harry Potter.

Back in 2001 around the time the first Harry Potter movie was set to be released, one of the local churches decided to have a book burning. It wasn't actually just books but board games and CDs as well. This burning was supposed to be a cleansing ritual for church members for such items they considered to keep them from God and that they consider Satanic. This burning included copies of Harry Potter as well as Shakespeare and Tolkien. Yet it was the Harry Potter novels that got the most attention..  It was this event that got my hometown into the national news. People protested the event and donated money to the library so they could purchase more copies of the types of books that were being burnt. The display that had been set up for the movie release was kept up during this time. In other words, there was an abundance of support in defense of the books and the right to read. Some of the protesters present at the burning supposedly had signs comparing the Pastor to Hitler and the fact that he burned books too.

It was this event that made Banned Book week even more important to me. This event showed me that there are still ignorant people in the world. Of course what they did, they felt was right but it really wasn't. It's ignorance.  It's ignorant people that make me want to defend a book. I believe that books have the right to be read. If you want to ban or challenge certain books, that's your problem. YOU should be the one to parent your own kid but it's not for you to decide what other children should and shouldn't read.

When I find out a book has been banned or challenged, I actually want to go and get the book just so I can read it and see what the fuss is about. I don't understand a lot of the reasons for the challenges. Then again I'm an open minded type of person. Or at least I try to be.

This is why Banned books week really is important to me.



Celebrate your freedom to read this week!

Things on my mind: A mixed blog post

I have a few things that have been on my mind. Things that have been annoying, things I don't get necessarily, and just things.  I guess you could say this post is filled with a lot of different things and will be ranty at times. Fair warning. Also, I might say things that might upset some people so I'm letting you know now.

First off: some things that have been annoying me. I have been trying really hard to become more social and take small steps to do so. However, ever time I try things seem to backfire. Case in point. I have joined the Harry Potter Alliance group on my campus. I figured it deals with Harry Potter and therefore I have a greater chance of making friends. Anyways the first meeting was on August 22 and I went. Not going to lie, I was nervous but I still made myself go and it wasn't that bad. So the next meeting was planned for September 13th. I was eager to go but then it was cancelled or actually postponed until further notice. No biggie.  I got over it. Then on Sunday (18th) plans were set in motion for a Hufflepuff house meetup on campus last night at 8:00PM and ongoing until noon today. Well I was so pumped for this! I even told my counselor about it and he encouraged me. I was making small steps to be more sociable and put myself out there! We were going to have a great time! Stay up all night watching Harry Potter movies and playing Harry Potter Scene It? (1st edition) and just have a great time getting to know one another. But then Thursday night comes along and the event is now moved until the following weekend and other houses are going to be invited. I got over it but at the same time I'm extremely annoyed with the people in charge of this group. I just want them to get their act together and figure out when we're going to meet again. Really it's not easy for me to be sociable and having things planned and then having them cancelled doesn't exactly do me any good. I mean I get nervous about going in the first place and get myself almost worked up over them and then it's a let down when nothing happens. It's just really annoying!!

On a somewhat related note, I basically was unable to go to another event, a dinner, that was scheduled tonight. I was going to go but I was unable to get the address of where it was taking place. I'm not familiar with the Denton area still so unless I have an address, I'm out of luck. I was able to get general directions but what was I going to do once I got there with no address? Just sit around and wait? I don't even know anyone that was going! So I didn't go.

Now this is another thing that is bothering me. I feel as though I'm not making any progress as far as taking small steps to be sociable. It almost seems as though I'm backing out. I assure you it's not intentional and that I intend to go. It's  just things not working out. Still it makes me seem as though I'm not making any progress to fix things. I know I am but still.

I've also been annoyed by people lately on twitter. It's really only one person and lately I just feel like writing mean, nasty, sarcastic replies to some of their tweets. I don't understand where this bitterness or whatever is coming from though. I don't understand it either. I'm not normally this type of person.
But one of the things this person has been endlessly tweeting about lately is their love of The Muppets. They literally are that obsessed about it that they tweet practically once or twice a day about something Muppet-related. They even wrote an essay about them for one of their class assignments! (quite honestly, something I've never done about any of my obsessions). It's gotten to be extremely annoying and I wish I could just tell them to SHUT UP! but I can't. I can't even really complain since I have my own obsessions like that and that sometimes I tweet excessively about them. 

The thing I don't get is why I haven't unfollowed this person. It's not just the tweets that I can't seem to stand, it's the personality of the person too. I've met the person and they seem nice and we have some things in common but something about their personality just really doesn't mesh well with mine.

I guess I don't understand the obsession she has with The Muppets. Actually, I don't understand anyone's obsession. I love The Muppets. I really do. I guess some of the excitement is because a new movie is coming out in November and it's been a really long time since that happened. I plan to go see the new movie and I am excited about it but just not as much as others it seems. I guess I just don't get it. I remember loving The Muppets and watching all the movies when I was younger.  I still love Kermit and Piggy and Fozzie. I watched The Muppet Show Tonight when it was on in the 90s and loved it. I've been to The Muppet Vision 3D in Disney World multiple times. I still love to watch The Muppet Christmas Carol during the holidays and in fact it's one of my all time favorite versions of the story.  So see, I really do love The Muppets. Yet I still don't feel as though I'm as into them as some people are and that is what I guess I just don't understand.  My brother is excited for the new movie. He loves The Muppets too. He and his family dressed up as Muppet characters for Halloween one year (Kermit, Piggy, Swedish Chef).  Today happens to be Jim Hanson's 75th birthday (if he'd been alive) and I'm seeing all these tweets from people saying how much he meant to them and how his death had such an impact on them and I just don't get it. I honestly doesn't mean much to me.  Sure he was brilliant but it doesn't seem to faze me that much for some reason.  I feel as though I should care more but I just really don't for some reason. As much as I like the Muppets, it just doesn't seem to be that much of an obsession for me as it is for others.

I guess I just haven't had the chance to really get that obsessed about them for some reason Which is a bit strange too considering how easily I get obsessed about things. I mean I'm obsessed with Portal and Portal 2 though I've only played the 1st and only recently. I was obsessed with it before I ever started playing the game myself! I'm even obsessed with Doctor Who even though I've only ever watched the first season and have yet to really begin the 2nd.  I just doesn't make sense to me.

Phew! If you've made it this far reading, I applaud you! A lot of things on my mind which is one reason I had to write them all down. It makes it easier to sort them all out and get them off my mind.

Panic attack/nervous breakdown and lack of motivation

It's late at night (or really early in the morning) and I realized that I totally spaced out and forgot to do a couple of assignments PLUS a discussion for one of my classes that were due last Friday (16th) This resulted in a full on panic attack (although my definition of a panic attack is probably not the same as an actual panic attack). In fact it's probably more like a nervous breakdown. I broke down in tears because I just felt so terrible that I forgot. I can't help it. I feel so horrible about what I've done. I'm calmed down somewhat at this point. Calm enough to write this posting at least.

I feel numb now. I don't really know how else to describe it. It's a terrible feeling. I feel like a failure right now. Like I should have been more on top of things and that it's all my fault because I wasn't.

The thing that gets me is that I wrote down the assignments in my planner (obviously that turned out well...) and I still forgot (of course actually checking my planner  would help too). Yet, while I mostly blame myself,  part of me can't help but blame my professor as well for not utilizing the calender program in Blackboard to remind you of when assignments are due. Look, I'm smart and responsible and I realize that it's not my professor's duty to babysit me. I'm an adult and should be able to look at a calender provided in the syllabus and know when things are due. But I am human and I do tend to space out and forget about things. Which is why it's good to have the reminder in Blackboard. It lets me know exactly what I have due on a certain day. It helps keep me on better track than simply just providing me with a calender to follow on my own with no reminders.

I still have to complete the assignment. But now I can only get about 40 on it. I can't even get full points anymore because it's 10 points off for every day it's late.  That's also only if I can manage to get the assignment done today (Tuesday) and uploaded. The problem is that I have ANOTHER assignment for another class due today. I haven't even started working on the actual assignment yet (though I have done a bit of research for it).  It's a max of 15 pages and while it isn't necessarily difficult, it is a bit involved. That was going to be my main assignment for today. In fact, I was all set to head off to bed early and get up early to spend my day working on it. But then this happened. So now I have to see if I can somehow work the late assignment in.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I’ve never had this happen to me before. I’m usually on top of such things with the occasional forgetfulness. I completely dropped the ball this time and I don’t know how to get it back. I know I procrastinate too much. So much sometimes that I wait until the last day and then panic because I almost don't finish in time (and sometimes I don't). I'm not perfect by any means.

I'm worried because now I’ll really have to work hard on everything else for the class if I want to pass with an A and keep my 4.0 graduate GPA. Which adds pressure to my already panicked state and  everything else that's going on in my life.  I add stress and pressure to myself. It's just who I am. Not that it makes anything any easier.

I guess part of me is also feeling bad because I just haven’t been motivated to get going with my classwork and because of that I feel that it’s causing all these problems. I don’t normally forget things like this. I just don’t. I just want to know what’s going on with me?! Why can’t I just get things together this semester? I  seem to procrastinate more this semester. While this is certainly not new, it seems to be even worse this semester. Now I literally wait until the last day to finish an assignment it seems. At least with previous semesters, I generally at least got some or most of the assignment done the day before the day it was due.

I don't understand what's going on. I just can't seem to get into my classes. They aren't boring or anything. It's just I don't really seem interested in them or something. I just don't seem to want to do the assignments.There just isn't any motivation there. I may glance at the assignments and decide I really don't want to do them even though I have to. I look at them and it seems almost easier to not do them.  For instance, when I saw the instructions for this assignment due today (it's a Library profile), I saw the 15 pages and pretty much just shoved it aside.  I feel more confused this semester as well. I feel like  I don't really know what's going on with my assignments or classes at all. Perhaps another reason I don't feel motivated is because I just don't get it. It feels like nothing makes sense and the more I try to make sense, the more confused I get and the more frustrated I get. I get to the point to where I'd rather give up and pretty much do because I'm just so confused. Once I've reached that point it's nearly impossible for me to get anywhere else.

Now obviously I have to do it or risk failing which would be horrible for me. I hate failing. I hate turning in less than satisfactory (in my opinion) work. While I know a few bad assignments won't necessarily destroy me, I still feel horrible about it. I guess it hasn't helped that I have a GPA of 4.0 since I've been in grad school and now really want to keep it that way. It hasn't really bothered me to get a "B" in a class before but now I  guess I have a slight fear to get a "B". I wouldn't mind it necessarily but I still kinda don't want it.

What am I doing to myself? I push myself so much that when I don't do my best I feel like a failure and feel terrible about it. Why do I strive to get the "A" despite the fact that I can't always do that well? Why can't I seem to get my priorities in order and get my assignments done in a timely manner?Why can't I motivate myself to get the assignments done and stop procrastinating?

So many questions going on. None of them seem to make a lot of sense.I feel as though I don't know myself sometimes anymore. I used to be a great student. Well a fairly good student at least. But now, I don't think so. I don't feel like the good student I once was.

What kind of student am I anymore? What do I do to get that student back?

One positive thing to note (really the only positive thing to note), is that so far this missing assignments and discussions and turning in half done assignments, has really only been for 1 class: my school library media class. Make of that what you will.

I know it's only a couple more days but right now Thursday seems a long way off (that's when I have another session).  I really need the help now.

Writing is my therapy

Lately I've noticed I'm blogging a lot more than I used to.  I don't know if it's a way for dealing with everything going on in my life or if it's in response to me feeling better about being honest with myself thanks to counseling. Maybe it's both. I'd like to think that counseling has helped get me to write again whether it be actual writing in a notebook or just blogging.

For me, writing is a bit of a therapy. It helps me express how I'm feeling. I feel as though sometimes I can better express myself with words on paper rather than out loud. It helps me make sense of everything that's going on. It helps me remember things both good and bad. It allows me to see how I've changed or not.

Writing is a form of coping for me too and it seems as though that's one of the reasons I've been writing a lot more lately. I'm coping. Coping with a variety of things. Writing as a form of coping isn't something that's new to me.

When I had problems in 8th and 9th grade with my friends and such, I used writing to get through it all. I wrote a lot of poetry because I felt that it was the best way for me to express my feelings.things were rough and as a bit of an angst y teen, writing poetry was a way to cope.  It was also just fascinating to me. I discovered that I was good at writing poetry when I was in 7th grade. It seemed to be the perfect form of expression for me and it was and still is sometimes.

I guess I've really always just liked to write. I've been told I'm good at it too by numerous people: family, friends, and teachers/professors. I just have that ability to express myself in words.

I fear that sometimes I write too much especially when it comes to journaling or blog posts. I can't seem to help it. Whenever I write, I get into it and can't seem to stop myself. It's a thrill for me to write. It's a way for me to share my thoughts and feelings with others.

Writing calms me. Sometimes I get emotional writing about things but that's what makes it so wonderful. Writing truly is a wonderful thing.

Social Anxiety and other problems

I was going to include this list in my posting on counseling but the other post turned out to be quite long enough on it's own (when I write, I really write). So I decided to split it up.

I've already admitted that I have problems and that I'm hopefully on the way to fixing them.  By all means, these are the only problems I've had. I've had and still have others. Some have been fixed and other haven't. Some have appeared now that others are out of the way.  In some way, many are related both to past and current problems.

Current problems:

Fear of bugs/roaches

I have an extreme fear that seems to have gotten worse since I moved here to Denton. It's not a new fear by all means. I've had this fear for a long time. I just haven't had to deal with it much on my own until I moved out on my own. I think I was spoiled in Oklahoma because I rarely had any problems. Now I've seen so many and have had episodes where I've freaked out so much that I couldn't sleep. My fear is extreme because I cry and scream hysterically. I get sweaty and hot and my heart beats so fast. I of
 run away and sometimes get all shaky. My fear has kept me awake a couple of times at night because I saw them. I can't even stand the sight of dead ones. I can't even get near them to kill them or pick them up. It's that bad. It's gotten to the point though that I have to learn to deal with them. I need something to help me overcome this fear.

Social Anxiety

I have mentioned this before I think. I've finally starting admitting this to myself just recently. It makes sense. I avoid social situations a lot of times. I don't like it. It's such that I can't even introduce myself to some new neighbors of mine. They moved in over the summer and live in the apartment next to mine.All I know is that they are students and are supposedly from Africa. I made the mistake of mentioning this to my parents and now they won't stop pestering me to go introduce myself. They can't understand why it's so hard for me. I want to be more social able but I feel I can't be. Social situations make me uncomfortable and I'd just rather avoid them.

Lack of motivation for classes/ procrastinating

This is a fairly new problem. The procrastinating isn't new by all means but it seems to be part of the problem.  This semester I've just not been motivated to get going with my classes. I haven't really made any effort to work on my assignments or anything. When I finally do work on my assignments, it's almost too late. Basically I procrastinate because I just don't have the motivation to do them early enough. I don't seem to want to do them. It's not like my classes aren't interesting to me or anything. It's just that I don't seem to want to get back into them or something. This is a new problem. I don't know what's going on. I've had times where I waited too long to do assignments but I managed to get them done. Now I don't seem to care to get them done or even get started on them. I have a 15 page maximum paper due on Tuesday which involves some researching. Have I started on it? Nope. I've barely looked at the assignment instructions. I really don't know what's going on with me. I don't know if I'm just burnt out or what. Regardless, I need to get this problem fixed soon or I risk almost failing this semester.

Incident with neighbor

While this issue has been dealt with last semester, it's still a lingering problem. There's still some things I need to deal with. It's not as bad as it was last semester but I still have unfinished business with the problem. It's not going to go away anytime soon. What happened traumatized me. It still has an effect on me and my current living situation. I'm still worried about being seen by him. I shut myself away in my apartment and limit my ventures outsides whenever the neighbor is around. So yes, there is still some things that need to be dealt with regarding this issue.

These are the issues I have presented to my counselor this time. These are the things I want/need to work on. Hopefully, I can get help for these and start working them out. I know it's not going to be easy and it'll take some time. I don't know if my counselor will be able to help me out with all of them but hopefully he'll be able to find someone who can even it means long-term counseling.

I'm at least admitting I have these problems and I am ready to do something about them. Admitting my problems is just the first step.

Counseling is amazing: My thoughts

So today I went to my first counseling session of the semester. Now I'm not having the same problems so much as I did last semester but there's still some things that need to be dealt with and worked out. Some of these problems are clearer for me now than they were. All are seemingly related to one another though.

I'm no longer feeling the gray clouds as I was last semester. Things really are better for me overall.  Now that's not to say I'm completely feeling 100% better.  While right now, I've felt better than I have in quite some time and actually right now I feel calm and happy. Things really haven't had a chance to get bad again yet. I'm not wanting to give it that chance either which is one of the reasons I'm getting help now. I'm trying to combat the problems before they get a chance to really hit me again. Which is why I'm seeking counseling when I am.

I have to say that I actually feel really good about my counselor right now. I think he is wonderful and is just the type of person I need.  He's certainly different than the other counselors I've had before. He makes me think which is exactly what I do anyways but he makes me think more about myself.   He says he yells at me but I don't see it that way. Sure he's more philosophical about things and gets excited by things but for me this works. I consider myself a thinker anyways.

At  least for once I'm actually talking to a professional. Someone who actually has their degree already. That is what I think makes the difference. The last 2 times I've been in counseling, I've talked to graduate students working on their Ph D in the field.  I hasn't mattered to me before because both grad students have helped me tremendously before. However, I feel that this time will be even better for me. I'm talking to someone who has had years of experience with this and can probably help me out a lot more. It's great.

Counseling for me has been extremely helpful. I've been only twice before. Once was back in Fall 2009 after I had a nervous breakdown after class one day. My breakdown was so bad that I actually got shaky and starting feeling lightheaded from hyperventilating so much. It was that moment when I knew I needed some help and I chose to seek it on my own. 

Now that I think about it, I've had counseling  back when I was in 8th grade. However, it was mostly when I needed mediation with my friends. Oddly enough, I was a peer mediator (I don't know how I was chosen for this) and yet I couldn't mediate things between my friends and I. Then again some of the friends were also peer mediators and were also part of the problems. In fact, I felt that I was in mediation more than I actually spent peer mediating. I think possibly there were a couple times I was actually in counseling to deal with my issues. Mostly though it was just dealing with my friendship troubles. Perhaps this is where my seeking counseling really began?


No one has ever forced me to seek counseling. It's always been my decision. I guess I'm not ashamed to know when I need help;When things get so much for me that I can't deal with it on my own and I'm struggling. Sure, I've been nervous to seek counseling and even talking to a counselor. Yet, I still have done it. I guess just knowing that they are they to listen and help me out is what makes the whole thing easier for me. This is actually somewhat uncharacteristic of me. I'm usually nervous when it comes to seeking help for things. Yet when it comes to counseling, I don't seem to have a problem. Even talking to a complete stranger in this case doesn't bother me.  I'm not ashamed to admit that I need help (again somewhat uncharacteristic of me) at least when counseling is concerned.

For me it has been helpful especially when I have things I want to talk about but can't talk about with some people. It's helped me become a better person and feel better about myself. Of course it seems that different problems surface once others have been taken care of. However, maybe not. Perhaps all these problems I have are interlinked with one another. It's just when one is taken of another makes itself known. 

Really though, counseling is amazing. It's not something anyone should be afraid of seeking if they need it. It really does help. 

A confession from 8th grade...

So I got to thinking about things tonight like I usually do late at night. Specifically I got to thinking about my problems since tomorrow morning, I'm going to go see a counselor and hopefully get something set in motion for me to start fixing things. (More on that later though)

I was looking at something on Tumblr which got me thinking.  It was a sorting hat quiz and one of the questions for Slythein was "You have considered suicide". This got me thinking about something that happened in 8th grade for me.  8th grade for me was tough as far as friendships go. As I've stated numerous times previously, I've had trouble making friends. In 8th grade, I had "friends" but looking back now, they weren't really "friends". At the time though, they were my friends and I frequently was in the middle of fights between friends or ignored by them. My friends would share secrets with other friends and not tell me. They also played some cruel tricks on me. Like I said, I realize now that they weren't actually friends.

I  had quite a few times where I felt down on myself. I turned to poetry a lot in 8th grade to deal with my emotions regarding my friendships. It certainly helped a lot although there were still times I felt down. It was during one of my fights with my friends that I hit a low point. I thought about what it would be like if I would just disappear. I felt invisible already as far as my group of friends was concerned  and I figured it wouldn't make that much of a difference if I just suddenly was gone. 
This was certainly worrying to my friends. They thought I might doing something crazy. Even back then, I never went as far as to consider suicide or anything like that. I knew I had family that loved me and people who truly cared about me. It was just a thought I would get whenever I felt lonely and ignored by my friends.  I just wanted friends that I could truly trust and feel part of. That didn't really ever happen.

I have never really admitted that I thought this in 8th grade.  Until now at least. Even now I worry about what it might make me seem like to others. It's scary to look at it now and realize that it might be a bad sign.

I'll admit that I still get in moods like this every once in awhile but I've never have been at the point to where I go too far.  Quite honestly, I'm worried that I could take it too far. It scares me. I'm afraid to go that far.However, I have a support system that keeps me going. I have a family that loves and supports me no matter what. Especially my older brother who I can talk to about practically anything that I can't talk to my parents about. I also have found the most amazing friends to help me. I can talk to them and they help me out so much. For that I'm extremely grateful. I think it's because of this support system that I won't ever take it that far.

Thinking about this also make me think about things like the Trevor Project's Talk To Me Campaign and how I'm lucky to have people who I can talk to about my problems and they'll listen and I'll reciprocate.  

It's a worrisome secret but I feel as though I needed to admit it.  I truly am fine and I'm working out my problems with someone who can help.

10 years ago..My memories of 9/11/2001

 Today is a day of reflection. A day of reflecting on those lives that were lost on that fateful day, 10 years ago.  A day of reflecting on what being an American truly means.  A day to show our patriotism.

10 years ago. It doesn't seem possible. It's still just as sad today. The events are still just as real, as if they happened only recently. The sadness and tragedy of that day still in my mind. Those of us who witnessed that event will never forget.

My memories of that day, can be summed up in one word: Confusion.
Confusion about what was happening and confusion, apparently, over what exactly happened that day for me.

Summed up in a diary entry from a 13-year-old me 1 month after the events trying to make sense of it all, remembering..

I'm still confused over my memories of this day. In general, I remember where I was when I heard the news and generally what happened. As my diary entry says, I remember first hearing about what happened over the radio around 7AM MST which would have been 9AM EST. Which meant I couldn't have seen the plane actually hit or been in school when it hit. It must have been shortly after the 2nd plane hit that I heard the news. Perhaps I really only did see the footage and think I had actually witnessed. I was still at home though and perhaps the news was on and I saw what happened. The day was just a day of confusion anyways.

In honor of the 10th anniversary,  my new college asked for written stories about that day as part of a tribute. The following is what I submitted by with edits by me after studying the timeline of the days events and figuring out where I was when they actually happened:

"I remember this day quite vividly. It started out another normal school day for me except that it didn't turn out to be just another school day. I was in 8th grade and was getting ready to walk to school when my mom called. She worked on Holloman Air Force base and was already at work. My dad answered the phone since he was still home. My dad also worked on base as a Elementary PE teacher and was sitting at our computer desk working on some things before he left for work. My mom told us to turn on the TV because something had happened in New York City to the Twin Towers. She was calling because the base was on lock down. No one was allowed in and that meant my dad wasn't going to be able to get in to work that day. I remember turning on the TV and just watching in confusion and shock. I didn't understand what was going on at the time. I vaguely remember finishing getting ready and then just standing there by the couch with my eyes fixed on the TV screen. My dad and I were just transfixed. I just remember he kept saying "Wow. That's terrible." in shock and disbelief.  I remember looking at the clock and saying that I needed to get going. My dad said he'd take me since he couldn't get into work. I remember him leaving the TV on while he drove me to school. Since we didn't live that far away from the school, it didn't take that long for me to get there. He dropped me off and I remember walking outside to the table area where my friends were waiting. Already they were talking about what was happening though none of us really knew what was going on. [I also remember that during this conversation that someone mentioned the Pentagon being hit too] I remember it was during this conversation that one of the names of a 6th grader came up. I remember of my friends saying something about his stepfather being in one of the planes. We were still discussing when the bell rang and we headed in to our classrooms. The teachers had the TVs on the classrooms (We had them for our daily annoucements) and were watching the news coverage when we walked in.  During homeroom (first hour for us), we just sat watching in shock. By now we all knew something serious was going on. We didn't do anything that morning except watch the news coverage. We were all watching the TV when we saw the plane hit the second tower. [It was actually the 1st tower collapsing that we saw] I remember all of us crying out in shock. I remember my teacher, Mr. Nohe crying "Oh my!"; a cry that was echoed up and down the hallway.[A repeat reaction when we saw the second tower collapse only even more terrifying and tragic]. I remember the teachers gathering in the hallways just talking in shock ;teachers flitting in and out of the classrooms.  The whole day was just  more shock and confusion. Throughout the whole day, we listened to most of the news coverage in almost every classroom. Teachers tried to proceed with the normal planned lessons but I remember we didn't accomplish a whole lot.  Throughout the day, many students were also signed out. I was an office aide during 3rd hour and remember taking many sign out slips to classrooms that day. At lunch that day, my friends and I discussed what was going on. That afternoon was pretty much the same as the morning. The teachers tried to go on with the days  lessons as normally as they possibly could. It was almost like the rest of the day didn't matter. I remember sitting in 7th hour, my last class of the day, Communications,watching the news coverage when the towers collapsed [It was actually the 7 World Trade Center building that collapsed]. Again, gasps and shocked cries rang throughout the room and hallway. I don't remember much else of that day. I don't even remember if I walked home or not. I just remember going home and being with my family. I remember my mom calling her relatives and my brother to see how they were doing. No one we knew was personally in New York  but because of what happened, people wanted their families. It was just a day where family became important. A day where our patriotism was tested and we fought back.  I remember flags flying everywhere after that day.  I remember writing a poem to express my feelings.  I remember my middle school as a whole taking on a challenge to have the teachers doing something out of character for them (like a Bronco's fan wearing a Dallas Cowboys Jersey when he really didn't like them; teachers temprorily dying their hair, etc.) if we as a school raised enough money to donate to the relief fund (which we did). Life as we knew it was changed that day. Nothing would ever be the same. I will never forget that day."

And I haven't forgotten. It was a day that changed our lives forever. Things will never be the way they were before. The innocence we once had is gone. 

September 11, 2001: We will never forget.