Sometimes I wonder about my writing style when it comes to blogging. I know I've talked about this before and apparently I'm talking about it again.
I follow a blog where the author is simply just wonderful with their posts. They have a way with words that I don't seem to have. I mean, I have a way with words. I do. I've been told this by several of my professors and teachers. I've gotten recognition for some of my writing in fact. Back in 4th grade, I won a Fire Prevention essay contest. That same essay won an award in my elementary school's Writing Fair. I once submitted some haiku poetry to a website calling for entries. They were shocked at how young I was and how good my poetry was that they created a whole new section just for young adults.. In 8th grade, I received an award recognizing my talent as a writer by my English teacher.I once had a professor who asked if they could use one of my assignments as an example for future classes. I also was asked to contribute a poem to a museum exhibit on the X-Prize. That poem is featured in a book in the museum along with other poems from adults (I was the youngest). It's still there to this day. I've had several professors tell me that my writing is wonderful.
In other words, I have a way with words. I can't deny that. Yet, I can't help but feel that sometimes I'm not as good as I think.
But there it is again. I don't give myself credit for my own talents. I'm always thinking that there is someone better than me. I don't know if I'm just being modest or what.
This person just seems to formulate words much better than I do. At least when it comes to blog posts. They just have a way of telling a story with their posts. They phrase their posts in a way that while they tell you about what's going on, they make you think and it's almost as though you are reading a story.
Am I jealous of this ability? I admit that I am. I don't seem to have that way with my blog posts. Most of the time my posts are way too long and I worry that they are too long for people to even read them. I say this over and over, this blog is mostly for me.
Yet, I still wish I had more readers. I really wonder about my blog and if anyone reads it. I would like to hear more feedback on it. I would like to know if what I say has any interest to those that read.
Does anyone care what I write about besides me? It doesn't seem like it. I seem to be my blog's only reader.
I think I have a way with words, but do I really?
Can anyone hear me? Are you listening?
Friday, July 13, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
What if? and other random thoughts on my mind
Last night my family and I were watching some of the U.S. Olympic trials on TV and I couldn't help but think "What if?". I sometimes think it would be amazing to be an Olympian but I also realize that that's even high of a dream even for athletes. There are only a few Olympic athletes ever. You have to be really really good to even have a shot. Still I can't but think what it would be like to be one of those athletes. It would be amazing to be able to represent your country but at the same time, I'm not sure I could handle the pressure. How do these athletes do it? I admire them for that. That's why most of us admire them. It's what makes them Olympians. They are able to handle such pressure. They are amazing.
Last night specifically, my family and I were watching the Swimming Trials and also the Women's Gymnastics trials. Watching the gymnastics trials, it made me think back to when I was younger. I've loved watching gymnastics ever since I was little. I wanted to be a gymnast. I admired the "Magnificent 7" gymnasts and wanted to be like them. When I was about 8 years old and in 2nd grade, I took gymnastics classes at the local gym in my hometown. I enjoyed it but wasn't really all that good. I never really was. For one thing, I lacked upper body strength and therefore I could never really do the uneven bars. I also couldn't do a handstand on my own. I had to have help. To sum it up, I just wasn't the athletic type and just wasn't exactly suited to be a serious gymnast. I wasn't bad or even uncoordinated.I had fun nonetheless but my heart just never was in it I guess.
I could do practically all other apparatuses: beam, floor, and vault fairly well though and quite honestly I enjoyed them. However, when it came to bars, I pretty much hated them because I couldn't do them. I guess I could say that I exceled when it came to the vault. Of course, keep in mind this was beginner gymnastics; Level 1. I was able to vault over the horse without having to pause on the horse itself by the time I quit going. I was also fairly good on beam, I was able to do a simply forward roll on the beam again by the end. I was also fairly good at round-offs and my cartwheels were decent enough. In short, by the time I quit I was pretty good but not good enough to move on to Level 2. Obviously not my thing.
Even though I quit though, I'm still able to do some things that I learned. I've pretty much practiced the few things I learned ever since quitting. Sometimes I wish I could go back and learn some more. I just think it would be fun. At one point, I was going to go back to gymnastics after I quit but I never did. I found something else I enjoyed more. Something I feel more passionate about.
I think I've mentioned before that I tried a few things when I was younger before I discovered my love for piano and music. Before I was a gymnast, I was a ballet dancer. I was 6 years old when I took lessons. It was fun and I seemed to enjoy it too. Of course, when you're younger things seem much different. Once again, I wasn't the best student but I wasn't the worst either. I feel in some ways I might have exceled a bit more at dance than I did as a gymnast later. Perhaps not. I seemed to enjoy it though while I was in it. The main reason why I quit was because of my ballet teacher. At the time, I was also a girl scout. I wasn't the only girl scout in my ballet class either. There were at least 3 of us total from the same troop. There was some sort of thing that happened where my ballet instructor needed us to be at a practice for or something and there was a conflict with a girl scout event. My instructor got really upset over it and got into a bit of an argument with all of us girl scout's parents. It was not long after that incident that I stopped going to ballet along with the other girls who were girl scouts.
Again, part of me wishes I could have stayed in ballet. I thought I enjoyed it and maybe I did. Again, I never made it to Level 2 before I left but who knows what could have happened if I had stayed. Like with gymnastics, I still practice the few ballet steps I learned and I can still do them pretty well. I still like to dance and part of me really would like to go back to some sort of dance class. Once my friend who was taking Jazz at a local Dance Studio invited me to a class and I went with her. It was fun and I seriously considered joining her class but didn't in the end.
Back when I was at OSU, they offered some dance classes at the Colvin Recreation Center and I took a couple of them. I took a Jazz class and also a Ballet class. I seemed to enjoy them. I still seem to have some sort of talent for dance. I used to be in Ballet Folklorico and enjoyed that a lot. I was fairly good at learning the steps. When I was in 7th grade, we had a dance unit as part of our PE class. I did much better at this particular part of gym than almost anything else (except for the Health and Wellness portion at which I also did well at. Again lack of athleticism!). I was able to pick up the dance steps fairly quickly! I can still do all those dances even now! I also am really good at the Just Dance games! So I guess I have some talent for dance. Then again, there is music involved and I love good music!
Going back to talking about the Olympic trails. I guess I could have tried other sports but I just wasn't really interested. I swim. I took swimming lessons as a kid and made it up to Level 4 (I think it's Level 4 but they called it Dolphins here. Sharks was the last level and I think it was Level 5). I enjoyed swimming and I remember considering joining the high school swim team along with one of my best friends (at the time) back in 8th grade. Again, I never did. I don't know what would have happened had I ended up joining. Would I have been any good? I don't know. I do know that I exceled at a few certain strokes by the end of Level 4 lessons though. Perhaps I would have done quite well.
I guess in the end, I just was as committed to it as others were. I enjoyed what I did but I was never really good at it. I wasn't dedicated enough to the sport to go all the way. In other words, I didn't have what it takes to be an Olympian. That's not to say I wasn't committed to anything. I was just committed to other things like school and eventually piano. I was in 3rd grade when I began taking piano lessons and again, it looked like I would quit that too but I didn't because I guess I'd finally found something I truly enjoyed and wanted to keep going. So I did.
I've said before how sometimes I feel untalented even when I know I'm talented. I've said before how I don't give myself enough credit for what I do know and for my own talents. This isn't new. I remember being little and comparing myself to others. I felt they were far more superior in things when compared to me. For instance, one of the girl scouts in my ballet class was also in my gymnastics class later and she also took piano lessons but started when she was much younger.
She exceled at things so much more than I did. I remember her being asked to move up to Level 2 ( I think...not quite sure though) in ballet and then later again when we were in Gymnastics together. She was also much more advanced at Piano than I was when I was younger (although I might have passed her when I got older since I'm not sure if she was still taking lessons in High School. Then again, I didn't really communicate much with her by then either). I remember being jealous of her. Wishing I had her skill and talent to do things. I wanted it. She had the athleticism that I lacked and I envied that about her. She also took Soccer at some point and was good at that too. She basically was everything I wish I could be. She had musical talent plus athletic talent. It just didn't seem fair.
Also in talking about my musical talent it reminded me of something else. Another "What if?" moment. I was in Band back in 6th grade and I played Clarinet. Because I had been taking piano for some time by then, I was able to read music and such with no problem. Once I learned how to work the Clarinet,how to get the notes, I was able to play it with no real problems. We had 3 different musical instructors that year. It was during our 2nd instructor, I believe, that the chaired positions came in to play. We all were ranked and sat in a particular chair in our section based on how well we played. I don't remember how it happened but I ended up being the 1st chair for Clarinets. Perhaps it was simply because I could already read music. We could challenge the next chair up and if we did well, we could move up. I remember their was a guy in the 2nd chair who challenged me almost all the time but he never passed me. At the end of the year, we ended up playing a duet together.
(Sidenote here: The girl mentioned earlier was also in Band but she played flute. Eventually though she switched to Orchestra though. She knew the instructor but I remember wanting to switch too but I think it was more because the girl was and I wanted to as well. I didn't though. )
When we were heading into 7th grade, there was choices for taking Band or Orchestra or the Wheel. I took the Wheel which was 9 wks rotation of Computers, Art, Home Ec, and Music Appreciation (every quarter we switched). My parents thought the Wheel would be more of a challenge for me than continuing with Band. After all, I was still taking Piano. As it was, I was one of the best students in Music Appreciation which goes to shows you how much music knowledge I already had.
Sometimes though, I wonder what it would have been like to continue with Band all the way through High School. As it was, I considering myself a bit of a Band Geek in High School considering I knew a lot of Band people and had been in Band at one point. Again, I felt I could relate a bit because I was a musician too. I joked sometimes that I was a Band Geek even though I wasn't in the Band. I knew at some point I could have been part of the Flag team. I remember wanting to that when I was a child and would see them perform during Football games and at parades. It would have been a lot of time dedicated and a lot of hard work that's for sure. But sometimes, I do wonder about it. Wonder "What If?"
I always feel that there is someone better than me. I guess it contributes to some of the problems I have now. I feel like I'm good but not good enough at things so I guess that's why sometimes I don't try as hard. Athletics and musical talent is one thing but it's not just there where I have issues. I remember back in like 5th grade and even earlier, I was envious of this one girl who was really smart. She did well in practically everything. Several times, she and I would be the only two people to score 100% on tests but I always saw her as the smarter person. Not only that, but she also had the perfect behavior. Well, good enough behavior to win Terrific Kid and get citizenship awards and Caught You Being Good slips; such like that. I had some behavior problems so I didn't get some of those things that she did. I remember being envious of her too wishing I could be like her. Eventually though, I got Terrific Kid and my behavior settled down and I was one of the good kids. I remember also being a bit jealous because the girl moved to Canada when we were in 7th grade. She had gotten into all the accelerated classes (I didn't) but because they didn't offer that in Canada, she was moved up a grade. So although she was the same age, she graduated a year earlier because when she moved back to the states, she stayed a grade ahead.
Although I'm not sure what's she's doing now (lost contact with her several years again after she moved back to the states and haven't spoken to her since), I have probably surpassed her as well in terms of education. I mean I've nearly completed a Master's degree and I'm sure she hasn't.
I guess what I'm saying is that I really shouldn't compare myself but I do. I should focus on what I'm good at and give myself more credit for those things. I've done really well in my life. I've accomplished things and should be proud of them. I know it's thinking like this that has caused me some issues though and part of just some of the reason I ended up in therapy.
Speaking of which, I'm still undecided about going back when I return to Denton in August. I guess I should try. Technically I still have issues that I'm dealing with. Although, like always, when I'm home, they seem to diminish. They aren't as pressuring or demanding like they are when I'm back there. Things are just different. Just being away seems to help. I don't know though. I'm still thinking about it.
I guess we always wonder about our choices in life. I know I do. I like to think "What If?". It puts a new perspective on things.
Anyways, sorry for such a really long post. Just had a bunch of thought going on in my mind. Thanks for reading!
Last night specifically, my family and I were watching the Swimming Trials and also the Women's Gymnastics trials. Watching the gymnastics trials, it made me think back to when I was younger. I've loved watching gymnastics ever since I was little. I wanted to be a gymnast. I admired the "Magnificent 7" gymnasts and wanted to be like them. When I was about 8 years old and in 2nd grade, I took gymnastics classes at the local gym in my hometown. I enjoyed it but wasn't really all that good. I never really was. For one thing, I lacked upper body strength and therefore I could never really do the uneven bars. I also couldn't do a handstand on my own. I had to have help. To sum it up, I just wasn't the athletic type and just wasn't exactly suited to be a serious gymnast. I wasn't bad or even uncoordinated.I had fun nonetheless but my heart just never was in it I guess.
I could do practically all other apparatuses: beam, floor, and vault fairly well though and quite honestly I enjoyed them. However, when it came to bars, I pretty much hated them because I couldn't do them. I guess I could say that I exceled when it came to the vault. Of course, keep in mind this was beginner gymnastics; Level 1. I was able to vault over the horse without having to pause on the horse itself by the time I quit going. I was also fairly good on beam, I was able to do a simply forward roll on the beam again by the end. I was also fairly good at round-offs and my cartwheels were decent enough. In short, by the time I quit I was pretty good but not good enough to move on to Level 2. Obviously not my thing.
Even though I quit though, I'm still able to do some things that I learned. I've pretty much practiced the few things I learned ever since quitting. Sometimes I wish I could go back and learn some more. I just think it would be fun. At one point, I was going to go back to gymnastics after I quit but I never did. I found something else I enjoyed more. Something I feel more passionate about.
I think I've mentioned before that I tried a few things when I was younger before I discovered my love for piano and music. Before I was a gymnast, I was a ballet dancer. I was 6 years old when I took lessons. It was fun and I seemed to enjoy it too. Of course, when you're younger things seem much different. Once again, I wasn't the best student but I wasn't the worst either. I feel in some ways I might have exceled a bit more at dance than I did as a gymnast later. Perhaps not. I seemed to enjoy it though while I was in it. The main reason why I quit was because of my ballet teacher. At the time, I was also a girl scout. I wasn't the only girl scout in my ballet class either. There were at least 3 of us total from the same troop. There was some sort of thing that happened where my ballet instructor needed us to be at a practice for or something and there was a conflict with a girl scout event. My instructor got really upset over it and got into a bit of an argument with all of us girl scout's parents. It was not long after that incident that I stopped going to ballet along with the other girls who were girl scouts.
Again, part of me wishes I could have stayed in ballet. I thought I enjoyed it and maybe I did. Again, I never made it to Level 2 before I left but who knows what could have happened if I had stayed. Like with gymnastics, I still practice the few ballet steps I learned and I can still do them pretty well. I still like to dance and part of me really would like to go back to some sort of dance class. Once my friend who was taking Jazz at a local Dance Studio invited me to a class and I went with her. It was fun and I seriously considered joining her class but didn't in the end.
Back when I was at OSU, they offered some dance classes at the Colvin Recreation Center and I took a couple of them. I took a Jazz class and also a Ballet class. I seemed to enjoy them. I still seem to have some sort of talent for dance. I used to be in Ballet Folklorico and enjoyed that a lot. I was fairly good at learning the steps. When I was in 7th grade, we had a dance unit as part of our PE class. I did much better at this particular part of gym than almost anything else (except for the Health and Wellness portion at which I also did well at. Again lack of athleticism!). I was able to pick up the dance steps fairly quickly! I can still do all those dances even now! I also am really good at the Just Dance games! So I guess I have some talent for dance. Then again, there is music involved and I love good music!
Going back to talking about the Olympic trails. I guess I could have tried other sports but I just wasn't really interested. I swim. I took swimming lessons as a kid and made it up to Level 4 (I think it's Level 4 but they called it Dolphins here. Sharks was the last level and I think it was Level 5). I enjoyed swimming and I remember considering joining the high school swim team along with one of my best friends (at the time) back in 8th grade. Again, I never did. I don't know what would have happened had I ended up joining. Would I have been any good? I don't know. I do know that I exceled at a few certain strokes by the end of Level 4 lessons though. Perhaps I would have done quite well.
I guess in the end, I just was as committed to it as others were. I enjoyed what I did but I was never really good at it. I wasn't dedicated enough to the sport to go all the way. In other words, I didn't have what it takes to be an Olympian. That's not to say I wasn't committed to anything. I was just committed to other things like school and eventually piano. I was in 3rd grade when I began taking piano lessons and again, it looked like I would quit that too but I didn't because I guess I'd finally found something I truly enjoyed and wanted to keep going. So I did.
I've said before how sometimes I feel untalented even when I know I'm talented. I've said before how I don't give myself enough credit for what I do know and for my own talents. This isn't new. I remember being little and comparing myself to others. I felt they were far more superior in things when compared to me. For instance, one of the girl scouts in my ballet class was also in my gymnastics class later and she also took piano lessons but started when she was much younger.
She exceled at things so much more than I did. I remember her being asked to move up to Level 2 ( I think...not quite sure though) in ballet and then later again when we were in Gymnastics together. She was also much more advanced at Piano than I was when I was younger (although I might have passed her when I got older since I'm not sure if she was still taking lessons in High School. Then again, I didn't really communicate much with her by then either). I remember being jealous of her. Wishing I had her skill and talent to do things. I wanted it. She had the athleticism that I lacked and I envied that about her. She also took Soccer at some point and was good at that too. She basically was everything I wish I could be. She had musical talent plus athletic talent. It just didn't seem fair.
Also in talking about my musical talent it reminded me of something else. Another "What if?" moment. I was in Band back in 6th grade and I played Clarinet. Because I had been taking piano for some time by then, I was able to read music and such with no problem. Once I learned how to work the Clarinet,how to get the notes, I was able to play it with no real problems. We had 3 different musical instructors that year. It was during our 2nd instructor, I believe, that the chaired positions came in to play. We all were ranked and sat in a particular chair in our section based on how well we played. I don't remember how it happened but I ended up being the 1st chair for Clarinets. Perhaps it was simply because I could already read music. We could challenge the next chair up and if we did well, we could move up. I remember their was a guy in the 2nd chair who challenged me almost all the time but he never passed me. At the end of the year, we ended up playing a duet together.
(Sidenote here: The girl mentioned earlier was also in Band but she played flute. Eventually though she switched to Orchestra though. She knew the instructor but I remember wanting to switch too but I think it was more because the girl was and I wanted to as well. I didn't though. )
When we were heading into 7th grade, there was choices for taking Band or Orchestra or the Wheel. I took the Wheel which was 9 wks rotation of Computers, Art, Home Ec, and Music Appreciation (every quarter we switched). My parents thought the Wheel would be more of a challenge for me than continuing with Band. After all, I was still taking Piano. As it was, I was one of the best students in Music Appreciation which goes to shows you how much music knowledge I already had.
Sometimes though, I wonder what it would have been like to continue with Band all the way through High School. As it was, I considering myself a bit of a Band Geek in High School considering I knew a lot of Band people and had been in Band at one point. Again, I felt I could relate a bit because I was a musician too. I joked sometimes that I was a Band Geek even though I wasn't in the Band. I knew at some point I could have been part of the Flag team. I remember wanting to that when I was a child and would see them perform during Football games and at parades. It would have been a lot of time dedicated and a lot of hard work that's for sure. But sometimes, I do wonder about it. Wonder "What If?"
I always feel that there is someone better than me. I guess it contributes to some of the problems I have now. I feel like I'm good but not good enough at things so I guess that's why sometimes I don't try as hard. Athletics and musical talent is one thing but it's not just there where I have issues. I remember back in like 5th grade and even earlier, I was envious of this one girl who was really smart. She did well in practically everything. Several times, she and I would be the only two people to score 100% on tests but I always saw her as the smarter person. Not only that, but she also had the perfect behavior. Well, good enough behavior to win Terrific Kid and get citizenship awards and Caught You Being Good slips; such like that. I had some behavior problems so I didn't get some of those things that she did. I remember being envious of her too wishing I could be like her. Eventually though, I got Terrific Kid and my behavior settled down and I was one of the good kids. I remember also being a bit jealous because the girl moved to Canada when we were in 7th grade. She had gotten into all the accelerated classes (I didn't) but because they didn't offer that in Canada, she was moved up a grade. So although she was the same age, she graduated a year earlier because when she moved back to the states, she stayed a grade ahead.
Although I'm not sure what's she's doing now (lost contact with her several years again after she moved back to the states and haven't spoken to her since), I have probably surpassed her as well in terms of education. I mean I've nearly completed a Master's degree and I'm sure she hasn't.
I guess what I'm saying is that I really shouldn't compare myself but I do. I should focus on what I'm good at and give myself more credit for those things. I've done really well in my life. I've accomplished things and should be proud of them. I know it's thinking like this that has caused me some issues though and part of just some of the reason I ended up in therapy.
Speaking of which, I'm still undecided about going back when I return to Denton in August. I guess I should try. Technically I still have issues that I'm dealing with. Although, like always, when I'm home, they seem to diminish. They aren't as pressuring or demanding like they are when I'm back there. Things are just different. Just being away seems to help. I don't know though. I'm still thinking about it.
I guess we always wonder about our choices in life. I know I do. I like to think "What If?". It puts a new perspective on things.
Anyways, sorry for such a really long post. Just had a bunch of thought going on in my mind. Thanks for reading!
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