I sometimes think about what exactly it means to grow up or even to just be a grown up.
I think about this in particular when I think about the last 6 years since graduating from High School. I think about my classmates in comparison to myself.
I mean I really haven't changed all that much since high school. At least I feel I haven't changed much. I mean I have but at the same time I feel like I haven't much.
I've pretty much explained what my original college goals were and what they actually were. Unlike, most of my classmates, I stayed in town and attended the community branch college for a couple of years before moving away to a bigger university; Oklahoma State University.
Also unlike many of my classmates, I've continued on past my Bachelor's degree and am nearly finished with my Master's degree. I'm also not married yet nor do I have any children.
I feel like I'm grown up but yet not really. I mean I don't really act like I am. I still have a childlike quality about me that I love. That's what makes me appeal to children. That's why children (and my nephew) love me. Because while I may be a grown up, I still know how to play.
Yet I can't help but think if I'm grown up enough. I mean does not being married or having children right now give me an advantage over some of my classmates? In other words does it make me more grown up or less? Because I chose to get my career going first before ever thinking about marriage or children.
I feel in a way that perhaps I'm just as grown up as some of my classmates that are married and have children. Maybe more so. I mean I realize that it's a different responsibility being married and having children. In a way you have to be more grown up.
But yet, I have been through perhaps more than some of my classmates. Many of my classmates that are married or have children only moved about an hour away from here. Some are now further away but still in state. Yet, still some are out of state like me.
That's part of the thing that separates me from many of my classmates. I moved out-of-state for college after staying in town for a couple of years. Many of my classmates moved to the state university in Las Cruces the Fall semester right after graduating from high school and were there for at least 4 years. I rarely saw or spoke to many of my classmates after they moved away. Many of them stayed in contact with each other since they were at the same university.
Everything just changed. I did have a few classmates in some of my community college classes but none of them were really my "friends". Then I moved away after a couple of years and pretty much had to start over.
Moving to Oklahoma and away from pretty much everything I ever knew was hard. My classes were tough too and I had a nervous breakdown. Then the chaos happened and things were rough for me again. Then I moved again from Oklahoma to Texas. I had finally become comfortable somewhere and had to adjust to everything new again. I'm still adjusting. Things are still rough for me.
I've been in therapy to help me deal with some of the things I've gone through. It hasn't been easy. So perhaps maybe I've grown up in ways that my classmates haven't.
I've been through things that they will never understand or deal with. But does that make me more grown up than them? Or simply just grown up in different ways?
I mean I feel grown up but only just. I look at some of my classmates now and they look much more grown up than I do. I wonder if they think the same when they look at me. I don't think so. I mean, some of them just look different than they did in high school or even middle school. Me? I pretty much look the same. My hairstyle is a little different, my teeth are straighter (thanks to my braces in high school), and my glasses are different. But my basic style is still the same. I may be a little bit heavier than I was but then again I may not be. The thing is that I really don't look a whole lot different than I did. I don't really even dress much different than I did back in high school.
I guess I just want to know what being a grown up really means and if I could be considered grown up. Does being married or having children automatically make you more grown up than someone who's waited and focused on getting their career going first? I don't think it does and perhaps that is proof enough that I am grown up.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Thoughts on something
Ok so I'm probably going to get a lot of people hating me after they read this post but this is how I feel about this particular thing and I hope you can understand where I'm coming from.
So several months ago, an article came out online regarding a YouTube Musician. This musician allegedly sent pornographic photos of himself to underage fans. The musician hasn't been officially charged even now. In fact the whole issue has pretty much come and gone. It's not really big news anymore.
Sure there are a few people here and there that still remember it and still want to know what's going on but since no new information has popped up, mostly it's forgotten.
When the news first came, I didn't say much about it mostly because my thoughts were conflicting and still are. Plus others basically said what needed to be said. I said some things regarding the nerdfighter community but that's all I said.
Even now I'm still afraid of saying what I really want to say because I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I've read some of the tagged posts under Tumblr and feel guilty for feeling the way I do. It's truly complicated how I feel about the situation.
I just want to go ahead and apologize right now for what I'm about to say. I'm sorry for offending anyone and please don't hate me. I'm really not a horrible person despite what I might say.
Regarding the situation: there are always 2 sides to every story. One side so much more at fault than the other but still.Nobody truly knows what happened. All we know is from what the article reported and what some people are saying.
I'm not trying to "victim-blame" especially because I've been in a situation where I was manipulated (See post BEDA Day 24: The Full Story). I'm much older but still I've felt victimized. I feel guilty over the situation. I blame myself. I'm still trying to deal with emotions and such. While admittedly, my situation isn't like this one, I still feel as though I can relate.
However, I still can't help but feel that the victims aren't completely innocent. (*cue hate mail*). They let it happen.Yes, the Musician is an Adult and he was wrong for taking advantage of his status and manipulating his female fans. Being an Adult puts you in a position of responsibility. You are supposed to know what's right and wrong. He should never have overstepped that line. He abused his popularity. He was the one who knew it was inappropriate and still went ahead and did it anyway. Yes he is the one to blame more.
Yet at the same time, I can't help but feel that the victims didn't have to comply with his demands . Yes, I realize that he made you feel special and wanted. You were/are a teenager. I remember how that was. I was a nerdy teenager. I was naive (in fact I still am somewhat) and had low self-esteem. Again, going back to my particular situation, I can picture how it felt. You felt essentially safe; wanted. He made you feel comfortable so you did whatever he asked.
However, it's still the Internet and I want to emphasize that fact. The Internet is a normal thing nowadays. Kids born now and some of the younger ones already in elementary school will never know what it was like before the Internet. I'm not that old (I'm only 24) and I remember when the Internet was still brand new. Things were a lot different for me when I was kid. Computers were still fairly new and so was the Internet. We had dial-up at my parent's house for years!! Even after many people had switched to DSL, we still had dial-up.
Things have come a long way by now. Yet still, there are safety issues when it comes to the Internet. You never really know a person you meet online. You still have to be leery about people you meet online. No matter how nice the person might seem. There's always a risk to meeting someone you met online in person. I remember being extremely nervous about meeting Hank and John Green in person. They seemed nice online but I was still leery about them in person. People aren't always what they seem. Even my parents were still concerned about me traveling to meet someone I only know from the Internet and I was legally an adult!! There's still that thing about a person being from the Internet that holds a certain weariness about them.
We've seen the horror stories about people seeming nice online and then being essentially creepers or really bad people. We know that not everyone on the Internet is good. Even just getting to know my nerdfighter friends that I have now, I was leery about them for the longest time. We'd only ever communicated through the Internet. We only met a couple times in person. We didn't really know each other. We didn't know if they were as nice as they seemed online. But eventually something inside all of us, confirmed that we were truly nice people. Yet still a part of me is a tiny bit reserved and I'm sure it's the same with them. However the longer we've known each other, the more I feel comfortable with them.
However, if one of my friends suddenly starting sending me pornographic pictures and asked me to send some of me to them, I wouldn't and would promptly stop being friends with them despite what they were like before. This is different than when you are a teenager, I realize but yet even when I was 14/15/16/etc. I would never have sent naked pictures of myself to anyone. NEVER. No matter who the person was or how famous they were. If I was chatting with someone and they suddenly asked me to do things I wasn't comfortable with or starting sharing naked pictures of themselves with me, I would have been too shocked and embarrassed that I'm pretty sure I would've ended the conversation right away.
Granted, I may never have told my parents about what had happened. However, I know I would have been leery about that person or anyone else I was talking to online from that point on. Even if the person seemed nice. Even if I met them many times in person and they seemed genuine. I still know I'd feel awkward and ashamed for what they did and for what I was subjected to. I would blame myself.
I realize that meeting people from the Internet is becoming so common that we tend to neglect the fact that such people are still from the Internet and may not be who they say they are. I guess that's why I guess I don't understand why someone would send naked pictures of themselves to someone or even subject themselves to someone doing that to them.
But then again I guess I can also see how it happened considering I myself was manipulated in some way. Yet, I have to wonder if those girls felt shame or guilt sending the pictures (if they did) or even viewing the pictures. I felt guilty and shamed for what my neighbor did to me and I didn't do anything wrong other than be neighborly. Yet still, I'm dealing with the aftereffects and I'm trying to accept that it's not my fault.
I agree that victim-blaming is wrong. It's not their fault. They were taken advantage of by someone they trusted. An ADULT who knew what they were doing was wrong and yet did it anyway. They didn't know better because they were minors. An adult should be responsible enough to know when they are crossing the line. It's never going to be ok.
I realize I'm contradicting myself at times. As I have said, my thoughts are complicated regarding this situation even now. This is why until now I've neglected to really say anything. But I feel that enough time has passed and I can finally speak up about how I really feel.
I realize that some of the things I said might result in me getting hate mail. I'm just expressing my thoughts and how I feel regarding this situation even though several months have passed. I can only hope that you can understand where I'm coming from.
So several months ago, an article came out online regarding a YouTube Musician. This musician allegedly sent pornographic photos of himself to underage fans. The musician hasn't been officially charged even now. In fact the whole issue has pretty much come and gone. It's not really big news anymore.
Sure there are a few people here and there that still remember it and still want to know what's going on but since no new information has popped up, mostly it's forgotten.
When the news first came, I didn't say much about it mostly because my thoughts were conflicting and still are. Plus others basically said what needed to be said. I said some things regarding the nerdfighter community but that's all I said.
Even now I'm still afraid of saying what I really want to say because I'm afraid of what people will think of me. I've read some of the tagged posts under Tumblr and feel guilty for feeling the way I do. It's truly complicated how I feel about the situation.
I just want to go ahead and apologize right now for what I'm about to say. I'm sorry for offending anyone and please don't hate me. I'm really not a horrible person despite what I might say.
Regarding the situation: there are always 2 sides to every story. One side so much more at fault than the other but still.Nobody truly knows what happened. All we know is from what the article reported and what some people are saying.
I'm not trying to "victim-blame" especially because I've been in a situation where I was manipulated (See post BEDA Day 24: The Full Story). I'm much older but still I've felt victimized. I feel guilty over the situation. I blame myself. I'm still trying to deal with emotions and such. While admittedly, my situation isn't like this one, I still feel as though I can relate.
However, I still can't help but feel that the victims aren't completely innocent. (*cue hate mail*). They let it happen.Yes, the Musician is an Adult and he was wrong for taking advantage of his status and manipulating his female fans. Being an Adult puts you in a position of responsibility. You are supposed to know what's right and wrong. He should never have overstepped that line. He abused his popularity. He was the one who knew it was inappropriate and still went ahead and did it anyway. Yes he is the one to blame more.
Yet at the same time, I can't help but feel that the victims didn't have to comply with his demands . Yes, I realize that he made you feel special and wanted. You were/are a teenager. I remember how that was. I was a nerdy teenager. I was naive (in fact I still am somewhat) and had low self-esteem. Again, going back to my particular situation, I can picture how it felt. You felt essentially safe; wanted. He made you feel comfortable so you did whatever he asked.
However, it's still the Internet and I want to emphasize that fact. The Internet is a normal thing nowadays. Kids born now and some of the younger ones already in elementary school will never know what it was like before the Internet. I'm not that old (I'm only 24) and I remember when the Internet was still brand new. Things were a lot different for me when I was kid. Computers were still fairly new and so was the Internet. We had dial-up at my parent's house for years!! Even after many people had switched to DSL, we still had dial-up.
Things have come a long way by now. Yet still, there are safety issues when it comes to the Internet. You never really know a person you meet online. You still have to be leery about people you meet online. No matter how nice the person might seem. There's always a risk to meeting someone you met online in person. I remember being extremely nervous about meeting Hank and John Green in person. They seemed nice online but I was still leery about them in person. People aren't always what they seem. Even my parents were still concerned about me traveling to meet someone I only know from the Internet and I was legally an adult!! There's still that thing about a person being from the Internet that holds a certain weariness about them.
We've seen the horror stories about people seeming nice online and then being essentially creepers or really bad people. We know that not everyone on the Internet is good. Even just getting to know my nerdfighter friends that I have now, I was leery about them for the longest time. We'd only ever communicated through the Internet. We only met a couple times in person. We didn't really know each other. We didn't know if they were as nice as they seemed online. But eventually something inside all of us, confirmed that we were truly nice people. Yet still a part of me is a tiny bit reserved and I'm sure it's the same with them. However the longer we've known each other, the more I feel comfortable with them.
However, if one of my friends suddenly starting sending me pornographic pictures and asked me to send some of me to them, I wouldn't and would promptly stop being friends with them despite what they were like before. This is different than when you are a teenager, I realize but yet even when I was 14/15/16/etc. I would never have sent naked pictures of myself to anyone. NEVER. No matter who the person was or how famous they were. If I was chatting with someone and they suddenly asked me to do things I wasn't comfortable with or starting sharing naked pictures of themselves with me, I would have been too shocked and embarrassed that I'm pretty sure I would've ended the conversation right away.
Granted, I may never have told my parents about what had happened. However, I know I would have been leery about that person or anyone else I was talking to online from that point on. Even if the person seemed nice. Even if I met them many times in person and they seemed genuine. I still know I'd feel awkward and ashamed for what they did and for what I was subjected to. I would blame myself.
I realize that meeting people from the Internet is becoming so common that we tend to neglect the fact that such people are still from the Internet and may not be who they say they are. I guess that's why I guess I don't understand why someone would send naked pictures of themselves to someone or even subject themselves to someone doing that to them.
But then again I guess I can also see how it happened considering I myself was manipulated in some way. Yet, I have to wonder if those girls felt shame or guilt sending the pictures (if they did) or even viewing the pictures. I felt guilty and shamed for what my neighbor did to me and I didn't do anything wrong other than be neighborly. Yet still, I'm dealing with the aftereffects and I'm trying to accept that it's not my fault.
I agree that victim-blaming is wrong. It's not their fault. They were taken advantage of by someone they trusted. An ADULT who knew what they were doing was wrong and yet did it anyway. They didn't know better because they were minors. An adult should be responsible enough to know when they are crossing the line. It's never going to be ok.
I realize I'm contradicting myself at times. As I have said, my thoughts are complicated regarding this situation even now. This is why until now I've neglected to really say anything. But I feel that enough time has passed and I can finally speak up about how I really feel.
I realize that some of the things I said might result in me getting hate mail. I'm just expressing my thoughts and how I feel regarding this situation even though several months have passed. I can only hope that you can understand where I'm coming from.
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