On being grown up

I sometimes think about what exactly it means to grow up or even to just be a grown up.

I think about this in particular when I think about the last 6 years since graduating from High School.  I think about my classmates in comparison to myself.

I mean I really haven't changed all that much since high school. At least I feel I haven't changed much.  I mean I have but at the same time I feel like I haven't much.

I've pretty much explained what my original college goals were and what they actually were.  Unlike, most of my classmates, I stayed in town and attended the community branch college for a couple of years before moving away to a bigger university; Oklahoma State University.

Also unlike many of my classmates, I've continued on past my Bachelor's degree and am nearly finished with my Master's degree. I'm also not married yet nor do I have any children.

I feel like I'm grown up but yet not really. I mean I don't really act like I am. I still have a childlike quality about me that I love. That's what makes me appeal to children. That's why children (and my nephew) love me. Because while I may be a grown up, I still know how to play.

Yet I can't help but think if I'm grown up enough.  I mean does not being married or having children right now give me an advantage over some of my classmates? In other words does it make me more grown up or less?   Because I chose to get my career going first before ever thinking about marriage or children.

I feel in a way that perhaps I'm just as grown up as some of my classmates that are married and have children. Maybe more so. I mean I realize that it's a different responsibility being married and having children. In a way you have to be more grown up.

But yet, I have been through perhaps more than some of my classmates.  Many of my classmates that are married or have children only moved about an hour away from here. Some are now further away but still in state.  Yet, still some are out of state like me.

That's part of the thing that separates me from many of my classmates. I moved out-of-state for college after staying in town for a couple of years. Many of my classmates moved to the state university in Las Cruces the Fall semester right after graduating from high school and were there for at least 4 years. I rarely saw or spoke to many of my classmates after they moved away. Many of them stayed in contact with each other since they were at the same university.

Everything just changed. I did have a few classmates in some of my community college classes but none of them were really my "friends". Then I moved away after a couple of years and pretty much had to start over.

Moving to Oklahoma and away from pretty much everything I ever knew was hard. My classes were tough too and I had a nervous breakdown. Then the chaos happened and things were rough for me again. Then I moved again from Oklahoma to Texas.  I had finally become comfortable somewhere and had to adjust to everything new again. I'm still adjusting. Things are still rough for me.

I've been in therapy to help me deal with some of the things I've gone through. It hasn't been easy. So perhaps maybe I've grown up in ways that my classmates haven't.

I've been through things that they will never understand or deal with. But does that make me more grown up than them? Or simply just grown up in different ways?

I mean I feel grown up but only just. I look at some of my classmates now and they look much more grown up than I do. I wonder if they think the same when they look at me. I don't think so. I mean, some of them just look different than they did in high school or even middle school. Me?  I pretty much look the same. My hairstyle is a little different, my teeth are straighter (thanks to my braces in high school), and my glasses are different.  But my basic style is still the same. I may be a little bit heavier than I was but then again I may not be. The thing is that I really don't look a whole lot different than I did.  I don't really even dress much different than I did back in high school.

I guess I just want to know what being a grown up really means and if I could be considered grown up. Does being married or having children automatically make you more grown up than someone who's waited and focused on getting their career going first?  I don't think it does and perhaps that is proof enough that I am grown up.