Failure just never seemed to be an option

Another week of therapy. Another week of trying to pinpoint where exactly some of my problems began. Another week spent trying to find answers that I'm pretty certain don'texist.

I'm afraid of failure for some reason. I don't want to fail so I try my hardest to prevent myself from failing.  When I do fail, it's one of the worst feelings for me. It just makes me a wreck.

But then again, trying hard not to fail adds pressure on me. Pressure to do well. Pressure that is not necessary. I strive to do the best I can. I'm the one who adds pressure on myself.

The thing is though that I really don't know when I first started doing this to myself. Why I try so hard to do well.

Like I've said before, I don't know what I'm trying to prove. Who I'm trying to please. I don't even know why I find it necessary to compare myself to others.There's just so many questions that I can't pinpoint an answer for. There doesn't seem to be a simple answer for.

Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps it's just how I've always been.

Take failure for example. I've never really failed at many things before. I hate failing. I'm scared of failing. I don't want to think about it and yet I can't help thinking about it sometimes.

But why? Why am I so afraid of failing?

As far as I can tell, I've never really have failed before. I can't really determine where my first failure happened and why I'm so afraid. The first real failure I can think of is the one back when I was in 7th grade testing for higher level 8th grade classes.

Thinking back to Elementary school, I can't ever remember a time when I failed at something. I can't remember a time when I failed at something and my parents reacted negatively. I can't even say that I was scared to fail because of something like this occurring.

As far as I can remember, at least as far as Elementary school is concerned, I always strived to do well at school. I've just always been a curious sort of person; someone who enjoys learning. I guess I just loved learning and school which is therefore why I did so well. Sure things weren't always easy for me. I did struggle with some subjects but yet I still seemed to enjoy school.

I just always did well in school. I just wanted to do well; do the best I could for some reason. I really don't think it was because I had to do well either. I just loved learning and therefore I just did well.

In other words, I guess failure just never really seemed to be much of an option for me.

I honestly don't remember my parents ever saying anything negative about failing. I don't remember them ever really putting extra pressure on me to do well. I just did it. 

Like most kids, I hated to do homework but I still did it. I didn't really slack off when it came to schoolwork either as far as I know.

There is only one moment I can think of that might have sparked something in me. Something that made me strive to do the best I could. Something that pushed me over the edge.

Back when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, I remember coming home with a progress report and having a "C" in Reading. Of course, my parents didn't understand why I had gotten a C since I'd never gotten that grade before. They knew I could do better and they told me so. I don't remember getting in trouble over it. I just remember them talking to my teacher and finding out why and then talking to me. They told me I couldn't slack off and basically they told me to get my act together. I did.

But really what kid hasn't tried slacking off before?

Maybe it was that incident that stuck in my mind. Made me the way I am now. Always striving to do my best because I knew I could do better. Perhaps I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't continue to do well in school. Perhaps that's why I tried so hard to do well?

I really don't know the reason why I'm so afraid of failure. Perhaps after doing so well for so long, I just didn't know what failure was like so when I finally did fail at something, it just was such unfamiliar territory for me. I'd never really failed before so I didn't understand it.

Failure just never seemed to be an option for me. It's still not really an option for me and I'd much rather avoid it entirely if I can.

Do I really want to have kids?

Being that I spend a lot of time online, I run across articles that I find interesting. A few days ago on Tumblr, I talked about a couple of articles I had read online. Well I found another one today and it made me do some more thinking.

I've mentioned that many of my classmates are married and have children already and how I'm still neither of those things. I've never even been in a relationship of any type. Never even been in love.

This article was talking about women choosing not to have kids and it really got me thinking about myself.

I've always thought about being a mother and I think I'd like to be one but now I'm not so sure.
I haven't really ever considered the possibility of not being a mother. I mean I've always been so focused on getting my career going and everything. I was never really interesting in being in a relationship in middle school or high school. While occasionally, I thought about dating, I quickly got over it. In fact, I never really understood dating when it came to my friends. In fact, it's because I didn't have a date that I had such a miserable time at my Senior prom. It sucked.

I've never really considered not having kids but right now that could be a possibility for me. As it is right now, I'm not really even interested. I mean, once I graduate I don't think I would be interested for a while. Not in dating, not in starting a family. I'll be mostly interested in getting my career going and settling in wherever I end up and everything.

I love children. Don't get me wrong. That's why I'm becoming a children's librarian. I really love sharing my love of reading and the joy of a library with children. Naturally because I love children and will be working with them, you'd probably expect me to eventually have some of my own. Maybe I will but maybe I won't.

I've thought about getting married and having kids someday. But honestly I don't know if it'll happen.
There's also the fact that I've actually struggled with the thought of me being a mother. I'm not entirely sure if I'd be up to the challenge. As it was, just being around my nephew when he was a baby and seeing how much work that took was enough for me. I helped out and everything but I'm not sure if I would be able to handle it on my own.

As it was, I rarely ever baby sat as a teen despite having the certification to do so. I took an American Red Cross course and everything. I loved the Babysitter's Club series and thought being a baby sitter would be fun. I seemed to like the idea of being a babysitter maybe more than actually being one.
I never really did do babysitting as a teen. I babysat for my nephew but that was family and it was mostly when he was a little older. I think I've only babysat one other time and that was here in Denton when an ex-neighbor of mine had to run an errand.  Even then I didn't feel extremely comfortable babysitting.

Of course there's also the fact that there was a baby involved. I love babies but I just don't seem to be all that comfortable taking care of them.I realize that when you actually have a baby, that attitudes change. Things change. Yet somehow I'm not sure if they ever will with me.

I guess the thing is that while I love children, I'm not sure if I'm wanting to be responsible for them. Being in charge of them, that sort of thing. As it is, I already struggle with handling discipline. How would I be able to handle my own child?

I've said I wanted children before. When people have asked, I've said that I want at least 2 children; a boy and a girl.  I've even thought of some possible names I'd like. But do I really truly want children? I really don't know anymore.

Sometimes when I think about having children, the idea makes me nervous. I'm not sure how I'd handle everything. As it is right now, I can barely handle myself and my own life.

Then I also think about my own family and how things will be if I have children of my own.  My brother is 11 years older than me and he is married and has a son. My nephew is 10 years younger than I am. On both sides of my family, I'm the youngest 1st cousin. by quite a lot. On my mom's side there is 11 years difference between me and my youngest cousins (fraternal twins); born the same year as my brother. On my dad's side, it's at least doubled that. My cousins are all in their 40's and older.  I never had cousins my age to play with when I visited. I had 2nd cousins that were closer in age but that's a bit different. I have older parents who are currently 65 and 68. I no longer have grandparents on either side that are living. I never knew my paternal grandparents, they died long before I was born. As for my maternal grandparents, it's been several years now since they passed.

Why am I telling you all this? Because it puts things into perspective.  My nephew is already 14 and is a freshman in high school. By the time I get married and consider having children, he'll most likely be in college. Which means any children I may have will be in the same position I was when I was born. Their cousin will be much older than they are.  As for my parents, it can't be denied that they are getting older. Hopefully they'll be around to see my children but you can never know.
But there's also the thing that like me, they may not know their grandparents for very long. I was lucky enough to have know my maternal grandparents as long as I did (17 years? I think??).

So the question is Do I really want to have kids? I don't know. I thought I did but now I'm not entirely sure. Do I even want to get married? Possibly. I mean I picture myself being married but even that is different. I want to get married but I don't think I'd want a big fancy wedding that's so darn expensive. I don't think I'd want that. Right now, my thoughts are more simple and more nerdy in terms of a wedding. Themed around things like Harry Potter or Portal (the video game).

But who knows. I do think I'd be happy being married but I don't know if I'd necessarily want children.

Of course this is all speculation. I don't know what my future holds. I can hope to find the right guy but there's a possibility I may never find him. I don't know if I'd necessarily be fine being alone but there's the possibility I'd have to get used to it. Who really knows what the future holds?

The only thing I can hope for is that I'll be happy no matter what my future holds.