Failure just never seemed to be an option

Another week of therapy. Another week of trying to pinpoint where exactly some of my problems began. Another week spent trying to find answers that I'm pretty certain don'texist.

I'm afraid of failure for some reason. I don't want to fail so I try my hardest to prevent myself from failing.  When I do fail, it's one of the worst feelings for me. It just makes me a wreck.

But then again, trying hard not to fail adds pressure on me. Pressure to do well. Pressure that is not necessary. I strive to do the best I can. I'm the one who adds pressure on myself.

The thing is though that I really don't know when I first started doing this to myself. Why I try so hard to do well.

Like I've said before, I don't know what I'm trying to prove. Who I'm trying to please. I don't even know why I find it necessary to compare myself to others.There's just so many questions that I can't pinpoint an answer for. There doesn't seem to be a simple answer for.

Perhaps it's just me. Perhaps it's just how I've always been.

Take failure for example. I've never really failed at many things before. I hate failing. I'm scared of failing. I don't want to think about it and yet I can't help thinking about it sometimes.

But why? Why am I so afraid of failing?

As far as I can tell, I've never really have failed before. I can't really determine where my first failure happened and why I'm so afraid. The first real failure I can think of is the one back when I was in 7th grade testing for higher level 8th grade classes.

Thinking back to Elementary school, I can't ever remember a time when I failed at something. I can't remember a time when I failed at something and my parents reacted negatively. I can't even say that I was scared to fail because of something like this occurring.

As far as I can remember, at least as far as Elementary school is concerned, I always strived to do well at school. I've just always been a curious sort of person; someone who enjoys learning. I guess I just loved learning and school which is therefore why I did so well. Sure things weren't always easy for me. I did struggle with some subjects but yet I still seemed to enjoy school.

I just always did well in school. I just wanted to do well; do the best I could for some reason. I really don't think it was because I had to do well either. I just loved learning and therefore I just did well.

In other words, I guess failure just never really seemed to be much of an option for me.

I honestly don't remember my parents ever saying anything negative about failing. I don't remember them ever really putting extra pressure on me to do well. I just did it. 

Like most kids, I hated to do homework but I still did it. I didn't really slack off when it came to schoolwork either as far as I know.

There is only one moment I can think of that might have sparked something in me. Something that made me strive to do the best I could. Something that pushed me over the edge.

Back when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, I remember coming home with a progress report and having a "C" in Reading. Of course, my parents didn't understand why I had gotten a C since I'd never gotten that grade before. They knew I could do better and they told me so. I don't remember getting in trouble over it. I just remember them talking to my teacher and finding out why and then talking to me. They told me I couldn't slack off and basically they told me to get my act together. I did.

But really what kid hasn't tried slacking off before?

Maybe it was that incident that stuck in my mind. Made me the way I am now. Always striving to do my best because I knew I could do better. Perhaps I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't continue to do well in school. Perhaps that's why I tried so hard to do well?

I really don't know the reason why I'm so afraid of failure. Perhaps after doing so well for so long, I just didn't know what failure was like so when I finally did fail at something, it just was such unfamiliar territory for me. I'd never really failed before so I didn't understand it.

Failure just never seemed to be an option for me. It's still not really an option for me and I'd much rather avoid it entirely if I can.