A disappointment

I sometimes feel like I'm a huge disappointment to people. Specifically my older brother when it comes to certain movies or tv shows or music or (on the rare occasion) books.

My brother wants me to watch certain shows or movies quite often and frankly sometimes I'm just not interested in them. He also pressures me to watch certain movies like right then and there regardless of what else I might be doing.

Case in point: Scott Pilgrim. He begged me to go see it when it was in theaters and I didn't. He got a bit upset with me. Well he was disappointed with me and made it a point to remind me about seeing it when it came out on DVD.  I eventually did see the movie though and feel in love with it.

That wasn't the first time it happened. It's happens more often than you think.

 He wants me to go see certain movies right away and frankly I don't always have time to see them in the theater or even the money really. I hate that I feel like I'm being forced to see movies right away.
Like the Avengers. He (and my nephew) keep telling me over and over and over again to go see it. When I didn't see it right away, he was a bit disappointed in me because I hadn't. I did go see it though but it didn't seem soon enough for my brother.

But it's not just things like current movies either. For instance, I've never seen the movie Gremlins ever. My brother loves this movie. He grew up when the movie came out.  But I've never seen it and frankly have never cared to watch it either. It's things like this that when my brother finds out I haven't seen them, makes him shake his head and makes me feel like a huge disappointment to him.

It makes it worse when it's something my nephew who is 14 has even seen and I haven't! Like tonight, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, I've never seen it and yet now my nephew is watching it.

Now I'm feeling like I'm a disappointment again simply because it's a "classic" movie that many people have probably seen but I haven't. Now my nephew is seeing it before I have even  seen it.

 Look I realize that my brother and I are two different individuals. We have our own likes and dislikes.  Sure there is some overlap but still we are unique.

I just hate feeling like a disappointment to him and I know that I'm not really. But things like this make me feel horrible about myself. Make me blame myself a bit because I haven't seen them. It makes me feel like I missed out on something and really when things like this happen, I don't feel like I have much of an excuse.

I just haven't seen them for one reason or another but frankly no reason is good enough. The only reason I really have is that I'm lazy. It's not always like I don't have time. Last semester, I had plenty of time to watch things like Doctor Who or go see movies like the Avengers. I just didn't and I really don't know why I didn't other than the fact that I was just lazy.

It annoys me. It's gotten to the point where I feel annoyed that I haven't seen certain things that my brother expects me to have seen.  I get angry because I feel like I'm such a disappointment. 

I don't know what he wants from me sometimes. I know he loves me and cares about me. He and I are close. But sometimes I just feel like he's trying to make me someone else I'm not.

Story of my life it seems: people disappointed in who I actually am or trying to make me someone I'm not. I know this is not true but sometimes it sure feels this way.