Flashback

I was browsing Facebook like one does when I saw a group suggestion for Alamogordo High School 2006; my graduating class. So I decided to check it out and ended up sending a join request.

I feel crazy for even sending the request since I'm sure not I want to be in contact with all these people. Not because all these people were mean to me or anything, just that I feel weird. 

On the plus side, I did discover that I'm not the only classmate who is still single and without kids. Although, many of the others that are single are guys. Still though, it makes me feel better knowing this. 

So then for some reason, I started thinking back to my memories from high school and middle school. I just started feeling very nostalgic. This lead to me thinking about the song "Never Give Up on the Good Times" by the Spice Girls.  

I'm not sure why either. Just a random thing I guess. 

Anyways, that's not what I even wanted to talk about. 

Seeing pictures of my classmates in this group got me thinking back to my memories of middle school and high school. It just brought back memories. 

I'll be honest though, I feel like I have a lot of memories that weren't exactly pleasant and those are the memories that tend to come up first when I look back.  When I think back, I feel like I have more unpleasant memories than pleasant ones. 

Middle school and high school weren't exactly difficult for me but they also weren't especially great either. Middle school was especially hard for me. Still though, I made it through relatively unscathed. 

I don't know. I guess I just worry what my other classmates remember about me and that's why I'm anxious about joining this group. I wasn't popular or anything. I was just me. I was nerdy and was just mostly nice person. I helped a lot of people in class with assignments because that's just who I was. 

Yet, I don't feel like I'm someone people would remember exactly. I wasn't someone who stood out.  In fact, many people made fun of me including people I thought were my friends. 

Even the classmates I am Facebook friends with I still feel awkward with. I don't even know what I'd say to them if I saw them in real life.  I really don't talk to anyone anymore. 

I just feel so distanced from everyone I grew up with. I feel like I've changed but at the same time not. I don't look very much different from when I was in high school.  

I guess in a way, I also feel inferior to my classmates even though I've accomplished more than many of them. I have a Master's degree and attended college out-of-state. I went straight to college after graduating from high school. I never took a break.

I'm also still single and without kids. I'm also without a job of any sort. So yeah, while I've accomplished what I've wanted, part of me does tend to compare myself to my classmates and not feel as great. 

I know I shouldn't compare myself and I should be proud of my accomplishments and I am. However, sometimes I just feel like I did nothing in my life if that makes any sense.

I've often said that when it comes time for my 10 year high school reunion, I'm not even sure I'd go to it. It all depends really. Especially since I don't feel that close to anyone really anymore. I don't even know who I'd talk to or hang out with if I did decide to go. Plus, with my social anxiety, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it. I'd likely end up feeling so awkward and so out of place that I'd just end up not going.  Plus how many people would really remember me?

As it was, my Senior year of high school, I wasn't really at the high school all that much.  I was already taking college courses at the community college.  I missed out some things because I wasn't at  the high school for them. For instance, I missed out on the big Senior class photos. It did bother me a little bit but I got over it pretty quickly.

 The 2nd semester of my Senior year, I was hardly at the high school. I had 3 college classes plus I had requested 4th hour off. I was an aide for the guidance office and had maybe one actual high school class. I did make sure to participate in as many activities as I could though since it was my last year of high school but  basically, I was ready to move on to bigger and better things.

I'm not sure how I'll even feel if I get accepted to this Facebook group. I really don't know if I really want to be accepted.  Does anyone even care about me or remember me? Why would they really?   

Brain Dump

A bunch of thoughts on my mind tonight and a lot of feelings about them which really isn't uncommon for me. Especially since being diagnosed with mental health problems. But I figured a brain dump post was in order to get them off my mind. So here you are. 

First off, I once again experienced some heightened anxiety tonight while at Saturday evening service.  My mom and I were asked to take the offertory gifts up to the alter tonight. I felt anxiety after we were asked but I was quickly able to calm myself.  Then another family sat next to us. I've never really been a big fan of people sitting next to me; strangers I mean. It definitely heightens my anxiety whenever this happens.  So I was even more anxious but once again, it passed. Everything seemed fine for the most part. The thing is though is that once again, I just felt a bit out of it. This has been happening a bit more often lately and I'm not entirely sure why.  But everything seemed to be ok in general. Even taking up the offertory gifts was not too bad. At least not until after we were heading back to our seats.  That's when my anxiety just shot up. I felt like I could just break down in a panic attack. But I didn't. Inside I felt extremely anxious but I just tried to relax and breathe deeply. Just try and calm myself down as much as possible and it seemed to work. I still felt pretty anxious for a bit though. 

The whole thing about it is that I don't get why I was so anxious. I used to do things like this without a second thought. Yet now, it seems like I get anxious with all sorts of things and I don't always understand.  It usually comes as a shock to me whenever I get anxious for no apparent reason.  But it's just something I'm learning to deal with. 

Speaking of religion, I'm still having conflicted thoughts on my relationship with my religion. I mean I still believe in God and what my religion says for the most part. But lately, I've just felt more and more distanced. I don't feel like my faith is nearly as strong anymore. I've felt this way for a while now; pretty much since I've been struggling with mental health issues.   To be honest, I have times where I really just don't feel like going to church services that week.  When I was living away from home, it was my decision if I went or not. But now that I'm living back home with my parents, I feel like I don't really have a choice but to attend.  I just feel like I'm not as interested in my faith so much anymore. 

I've said before how I've never really been an overly religious person and I'm still not. But lately, I feel even less so. If I could, I probably wouldn't attend services as often.  Right now though, I don't have that choice. At least I don't feel like I do.  Like I said, the whole thing is just complicated. 

Another thing that's been on my mind is this upcoming family reunion on my mom's side of the family. I'm not too thrilled about it. I'm happy to be getting away from my hometown for a bit but I'm not exactly thrilled to see relatives. The thing is that I'm the youngest of the first cousins and have always been. I was the last of the grandchildren. This reunion is with the cousin's and aunts and uncles from my grandfather's side of the family. My mom's side of the family is pretty large and this is the first family reunion in about 15 years. I was a lot younger at the last one.  

The thing is that I'm not exactly thrilled to be going and seeing all these relatives. First of all, being the youngest of the first cousins mean's that I'm pretty much on my own. There's 11 years difference between me and the next youngest cousins. There might be some other cousins but chances are that they'll either be way older than me or way younger than me. So regardless, I'm alone.  

Then there's the fact that because I'm the youngest, I'm also the only one not married and with a family. Not that that's a big deal. Just stating another fact. 

But the biggest thing is that I'm also the furthest away and have always been. My other cousins and relatives have all lived fairly close to one another. Because of this, they always spent a lot of time together. I've always felt like an outsider and I still feel that way a lot.  I hate feeling this way but it feels like that's just who I'm destined to be. I've almost always felt like an outsider. Too young to really interact with my older cousins and too old to really interact with some of my second and third cousins. Just an outsider. 

Then there's some family issues with my mom's siblings that I'm not exactly looking forward to. I'm going to have to be civil and most likely talk to them but I'm not exactly comfortable about the idea.   Basically, I'm not looking forward to the reunion much. I'm not sure what I'm even going to be doing. Most likely I'm just going to be attempting to make conversation and spending most of my time reading a book or working on my novel.  Alone as usual. *sigh*  It's just hard to be excited about spending time with relatives that I don't exactly know that well. 

I had a couple random memories pop into my head tonight involving some old "friends" of mine back when I was younger. One memory I have is that one of my "friends" would secretly steal something of mine as a joke and then laugh whenever I freaked out over it.  This happened a couple times when I was in middle school. I never found it funny. It was usually something small but whenever I'd notice it was gone and then ask my friends about it, they'd deny it and then laugh. I didn't find it funny at all. It was a mean prank to me and whenever I told my "friends" how mean it was, they'd get defensive and say I ruined their joke by taking it so seriously. I had a sense of humor but this wasn't something I found very funny. 

Another random memory that popped up in my mine involved sleepovers with some of my "friends".  More than once, I fell victim to being the one that would fall asleep first and then the other girls would play tricks on me. I hated it every time. What's even worse is that more than once my "friends" would convince me that they weren't going to do anything and I believed them. But they still would do things to me.  I tried so hard and so many times to stay awake but I just couldn't do it.  I remember once getting so angry with the others because I had to get up and volunteer at the library the next morning and they weren't letting me get sleep. 

Once again, they thought what they were doing was funny and I didn't. I'll admit that had I not been the victim at these sleepovers, I probably would have been a participated in playing tricks on another girl. But it never ended up that way.  It's not as fun when you're the one being tricked.

I guess in their eyes, I wasn't very "fun". I was different and I know they thought I was weird. Yet, they still invited me to do things with them. Granted, I was usually the last resort but still.  I guess I've just never been much of a person who likes being tricked even if it's just for fun.  

Thinking of this just now, made me remember how one of my teacher's played an April Fool's Day trick on us by giving us a hard test and saying it was a big part of our grade. I fell for it and got so upset that I was in tears because I couldn't do it. I felt even worse when told it was just a trick. 

I'll admit that I'm a bit of a gullible person and I do take things a little too seriously at times. But that's just how I am. I'm not as bad as I was when I was a child but still sometimes I don't always know when people are teasing or joking with me and take it seriously.

Speaking of my "friends" and tricks, I remember another time when they had me sit in a chair and covered my head with a blanket. It was all part of a "mind" game/trick.  They had me imagine I was in a hot desert and I needed to cool down. What item would I take off first? I said the blanket but that wasn't the answer they were looking for. So I remember taking off each item of clothing one by one thinking it was the answer until finally I had nothing left and my friends finally took off the blanket. They told me that the blanket was a hat and I was supposed to say hat. I of course didn't know that so here I was without any clothes on and feeling extremely exposed and awkward. Also angry with them. 

Now that I think about it, my "friends" were never really nice to me and it seemed as though they loved to play tricks on me because they knew how upset I'd get. It's like they did it on purpose. I mean, I did eventually realize that these girls were never really my "friends" but when I was younger, I didn't really know better. It's really no wonder why I have trouble making friends even now. After everything I went through growing up. I was basically a "joke" to those girls. I was the one they chose to pick on and leave outside of things.  

I still feel like an outsider a lot and I still struggle to feel like part of a group. I guess it now makes sense why. 

So those are all the thoughts that have been on my mind. At least the thoughts I've had today.  

That's the problem with having depression and anxiety and not having a whole lot to distract me. I tend to think too much which isn't good. My therapist pointed this out to me. I need to keep busy and distracted in order to keep my mind from thinking too much. I don't really have that right now. I'm working on it but it's a difficult process. 

So many thoughts....

The future scares me

I know it's ridiculous to think about this now but honestly the future scares me. Sometimes I just start thinking about things and start thinking about my future and what it will be like.

I think about things like marriage and children and honestly the thought makes me freak out a bit.

As far as I can remember, I've wanted to get married and have children.  I mean that's one of the things a lot of girls want when they grow up.

Yet, now I'm not so sure anymore. I've never been in a relationship before.  Not once. The thought of even dating freaks me out somewhat. I know what type of guy I'm interested in but still, I'm nervous about even the thought of someone finding me attractive.

Then there is the idea of meeting "the one" and getting engaged and then married.  It does make me anxious.

Then when it comes to having children. The whole thing freaks me out far too much thinking about it. I don't know if I could handle it.  I look at some of my old high school friends/classmates who have children and wonder if I could ever be like them.

Then there's the bad side. What if things didn't go well with a pregnancy of mine? Would I be able to handle the pain of grief? I think about a friend of mine who went through this and I worry about me.

I can't even seem to handle things in life as it is. What if something like this were to happen and sent me to my breaking point again? I don't know if I could handle something like this.

Then there's the thought of my nephew. He's already 15 and he's the only child my brother and sister-in-law are going to have. That's it.  If and when I finally do have children, he will be so much older than his cousins. I think about that and I don't know if I'd want that for him.

I've talked about my thoughts on these things here before.

Sometimes I wonder what if? What if I don't end up finding "the one" and getting married? What if I decided not to have children? Would it be so bad?  It's certainly a possibility.

I don't know. I guess really, I don't feel like I can handle being an adult to be honest.   I can barely seem to handle my own life right now as it is.

Things can happen and I might feel differently about them when they do. But for now, it freaks me out too much.

Therapists

Can we just talk about how lucky I've been to have some wonderful therapists?

I have been lucky that most of my therapists have been pretty good. There was only one that didn't quite work out but I was able to find someone else.

All of my therapists have been nice and kind and I've felt comfortable with them. Even when my therapists were just counselor's at the Counseling Center, they were nice and I felt like they had my best interests at heart. The 2 therapists I had at the Psychology Clinic were pretty good too despite being in training doctoral candidates.

But by far, the best therapist I've ever had has been my current therapist. She is just great. She was the first one to diagnose me with depression and anxiety. She was basically the first one besides myself to figure out that I needed something more to help with my problems.

I'm not saying the other therapists were incompetent or horrible because they weren't.  They just probably didn't see the signs early enough. Because when I first started, things really weren't as bad as they got later.

Depression is hard to diagnose so it's not really surprising that it took so long to figure out that's what I had.
I just know that when I first went to see my therapist, she was quickly able to figure out that's what I had.
By then, I already figured that I needed more help than just counseling.

My therapist is just so wonderful. I am really grateful to have found her. She's the only person I feel understands me and can understand all my struggles. She helps me figure things out and just helps me feel better in general  about things.  She's also the person who can help me get my emotions all sorted out.

I just feel so fortunate to have found her especially in a small town like this.  I'm already concerned though about when I have to move away somewhere else.  It's not that I'm worried about starting over with someone else, because I've done that before. I'm more concerned that I won't find someone as great as her.

I know I'm just rambling now but I just really feel strongly about my therapist and am so thankful for what she has done. This  is why I wrote this post; to show my appreciation for all she's done.

So Thank You.