The future scares me

I know it's ridiculous to think about this now but honestly the future scares me. Sometimes I just start thinking about things and start thinking about my future and what it will be like.

I think about things like marriage and children and honestly the thought makes me freak out a bit.

As far as I can remember, I've wanted to get married and have children.  I mean that's one of the things a lot of girls want when they grow up.

Yet, now I'm not so sure anymore. I've never been in a relationship before.  Not once. The thought of even dating freaks me out somewhat. I know what type of guy I'm interested in but still, I'm nervous about even the thought of someone finding me attractive.

Then there is the idea of meeting "the one" and getting engaged and then married.  It does make me anxious.

Then when it comes to having children. The whole thing freaks me out far too much thinking about it. I don't know if I could handle it.  I look at some of my old high school friends/classmates who have children and wonder if I could ever be like them.

Then there's the bad side. What if things didn't go well with a pregnancy of mine? Would I be able to handle the pain of grief? I think about a friend of mine who went through this and I worry about me.

I can't even seem to handle things in life as it is. What if something like this were to happen and sent me to my breaking point again? I don't know if I could handle something like this.

Then there's the thought of my nephew. He's already 15 and he's the only child my brother and sister-in-law are going to have. That's it.  If and when I finally do have children, he will be so much older than his cousins. I think about that and I don't know if I'd want that for him.

I've talked about my thoughts on these things here before.

Sometimes I wonder what if? What if I don't end up finding "the one" and getting married? What if I decided not to have children? Would it be so bad?  It's certainly a possibility.

I don't know. I guess really, I don't feel like I can handle being an adult to be honest.   I can barely seem to handle my own life right now as it is.

Things can happen and I might feel differently about them when they do. But for now, it freaks me out too much.