So something happened a couple of months ago that I would rather not talk about and that I would love to suppress the memory of and just erase it from my mind. It's something that I need to talk about but at the same time I feel I can't. I certainly can't talk about it with my family. Because I'm afraid that they might think I'm not safe where I live anymore or something to that effect. What happened isn't something extremely bad that happened but it still freaked me out and afterwards I felt guilty and that I brought it on myself. However, I know I didn't. Talking to a friend right after it happened helped. It's not so bad to talk about it now which is why I'm writing a blog now, it's just still something I can't talk about with my parents. It's something that got me thinking about.
So the short story is that a few months one of my neighbors tried to come on to me. He came over to check up on me (as a concerned neighbor might do) and we talked for awhile. As he left, he tried to kiss me. Twice! Part of me felt like maybe I brought this on myself. That perhaps I was too naive and felt so lonely, I gave off mixed signals? Who knows? The point is that I'm really not interested in a relationship with him or anyone. Especially not him. I was so shocked and confused and felt so ashamed and such after he did that, that I didn't know what to do. I'm sure I should get professional help and just talk to someone but I haven't yet. I know this sounds terribe to say, but ever since then I've been trying to avoid him. I've seen him but I really don't want to talk to him. I don't wish to be rude though. As a fellow neighbor, I want to be nice but after what occured it's hard for me to know exactly what to do.
It's this event that makes me think about other things like this. People have tried to come on to me. This neighbor isn't the only one. There was also someone during this past summer. The person suggested that if I was interested in it, we could be friends with benefits. It was awkward. I mean, I realize I'm old enough to have relationships but I'm just not interested right now. Right now I'm interested in finishing my degree and getting my life situated and all that before I even think about dating and relationships. Even in high school and when my friends started dating, part of me wanted to date and have a boyfriend but mostly I just didn't want to. I was too focused on graduating and moving on to college. I've been succesful at doing that. I've been succesful at achieving my goals and not letting anyone really distract me from doing that. I'll admit that at times I've thought about what it would be like to have a boyfriend but then I think how much I enjoy not worrying about things like that. Sometimes when I feel lonely I wish I had someone like that. However, I also think about all the problems that come with the territory. I think about some of my ex-friends and classmates. Many of them are now married and/or have kids. Many of them are no longer in college too. I think about how far I've come and what I've accomplished simply by not having someone.
I eventually want to get married and have kids someday but just not right now. I do believe that part of the reason I'm so determined is also because my older brother did everything backwards and I don't want to be like him. He wants me to learn from his mistakes and I have. My brother didn't finish college and instead got married and had a kid. He did up going back to college and finishing his degree but it was harder than if he had done what I'm now doing. I saw that and how hard it was for him. I think that's what motivates me and has motivated me.
I should add an addendem to this whole not-being-interested thing. If there is a guy out there for me, I hope he realizes that my goal right now is to get my career going and that if I happen to meet him prior to my finishing my Master's that he supports me and understands that it's more important for me to finish before we can really have a relationship.
For now, I'm perfectly content just being focused on my goals.
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