Lately, I've just felt like there's this gray cloud hanging over me and I can't get rid of it. I'm not sure when this cloud developed but it seems to have taken over my life lately more often than I would like it too.
I just feel a sense of being unsatisfied with my life right now. Mostly with my social life or lack there of as well as lack of real life friends. I have friends but they live in Oklahoma or elsewhere. I don't have anyone locally that I can hang out with on Friday nights or anything. I don't have anyone I can just call up and go hang out somewhere. I wish I did. I don't even know where to begin. The fact that all my classes are online and that I'm not currently working, limits my exposure to people and makes in extremely difficult to form friendships. I am lonely. I'm not going to lie about that. The fact that I spend a lot of my time inside my apartment by myself for hours or sometimes even days probably doesn't help any. That's the sad truth. I don't go very places because I don't have any real reason to or anyone to go with. It's true that some days I don't even set foot outside of my apartment. I know it's not healthy to lock myself away but I don't really know what else to do.
I can't even try my church because I go to an actual church as opposed to a campus one and while there are college students that attend, there are few and far in between from what I can tell.
An incident happened not to long ago that made me blame myself for what happened. I feel that because I felt so lonely, I made it happened though I know it's not the case and I have friends that helped me realize this. It certainly made me think though.
I know I need to seek some help. It's gotten to that point. After the incident occurred, I wanted to go talk to someone about it. I talked to a friend which helped a great deal. Enough to where I was ok with not going to seek professional counseling for awhile. Yet, I still have been wanting to go and discuss what happened even though it's been a few months and doesn't bother me so much anymore. Lately though, I have felt more of a need to go and not just because of what happened. Lately, I just have been sort of unsatisfied with my life situation. I'm not so much unhappy with where I am as far as school. No, what I'm truly unsatisfied with is just everything else in general. I'm lonely and I'm bored with what I'm doing or not doing but not sure how to fix it. I'm tired of not having much to do everyday besides homework. I want to be able to do more things but I have no idea what. I've been volunteering with the public library this semester and that's helped some but not enough since it's only a few times a month (3 times for this month). I need to find a job but I don't seem to have the motivation to do it. I want to be more active but I'm not. I've just basically become a hermit. That's just what it seems. I feel like I complain about my life more and I feel a bit homesick more and definitely lonely more. In December, prior to Winter break, I spent an awesome weekend with some friends in Oklahoma and I had a blast. I needed that. I also went home for the break and spent time with family and enjoyed that too. However, it seems that ever since then, I've just been feeling more and more alone and missing all that. I get to go back home in a couple of weeks to celebrate my 23rd birthday and to spend my Spring Break and I'm eager for it to come. Yet part of me feels like that's all I live for now. I feel like the only reason I come back here to Denton, is so that I can look forward to going back home again. It's like I don't have a reason to be here and technically I don't. I'm taking classes online. All I need is a computer with Internet access and I'm good. The reason, I'm here is so that I can possible find a job (which I haven't yet). Also, since I'm eventually aiming to stay in Texas, it's better for me to live here and possibly find a job here so that when I do finally graduate, I'd have a better shot at staying here in Texas.
It's not like I don't like it here. I do in a way. It's something different for me. It's still a ways away from family though but it's ok here.
All this loneliness and such lately has made me realize that I truly need to get professional help. It's not like I haven't had any before. A year ago last semester, I actually had a nervous breakdown. It was so bad that I got lightheaded and was shaking. After that incident, I immediately sought help from counseling. They helped me work out things and I felt that I was doing much better. In fact, I know I was because, I felt much better than I had been.
Things seemed like they were under control again for awhile and for the most part at least until the week I graduated last year. That's when things happened and got hectic.
I haven't posted the blog post on this although it's mostly typed up at this point. To simplify things: I found out that I wasn't getting into the Grad School program at OSU like I originally had planned.Therefore, I would be needing to find another program and move. I find this out on the day my parents were heading up to celebrate my Graduation. The next few days leading up Saturday was a roller coaster of emotions for me. We packed up my apartment and put things in storage, celebrated my graduation with my brother and uncle and aunt, and then we drove all the way to Denton to get information about the MLS program here. I had to get my application materials in and everything by July and it was just basically a bit chaotic and everything.
I'm not sure if this whole thing has something to do with the gray cloud that's hanging over me now but I wouldn't be surprised if it did. Quite honestly, it's not like I haven't felt the loneliness before. It's been there for a long while. Pretty much, it's just part of me. I've never really had any close friends. I've had acquaintances but never any real friends. Maybe it's just because I've spent more time with awesome friends since I've moved or something, that I feel the loneliness more.
I admit that at times I worry about myself in this state. I'm afraid that I could hit rock bottom and that frightens me. I don't think that my friends and family would ever let me get to that point though because I know they would do something to help. There's Tumblr rant blogs that show just how unhappy I've been lately.
I still don't think I'm fully depressed because I haven't lost interest in things I love. I still love reading and do, Istill love Harry Potter and obsesses about that, and all sort of things. Things still interest me. My friends and family are still awesome and supportive and never cease to remind me just how truly amazing they are.
Yet, the truth is that my family doesn't actually know about how I truly am feeling lately, At least my parents don't. My brother on the other hand, possibly a little bit. Or if they do I haven't said anything to them and they haven't said anything to me either. My friends know, because they follow me on Tumblr and on twitter and have read my postings. I feel that I'm hiding all this hurt and sadness behind a mask. Like I'm trying to make my parents think I'm doing alright when actually I feel sad and lonely. They know that I'm lonely because I've told them but I don't think they know just how it's been affecting me. I feel as though I don't want them to know. I'm sure they can tell but I don't want to come right out and tell them just yet. I haven't even told them about the incident though part of me would like to. I'm just worried that if I do, they might not think I'm safe here anymore or something.
Perhaps I should go back to writing poetry again. I remember in 8th and 9th grade, poetry seemed to help me get through things. Perhaps I should go back to that. Or writing. Something to help me get things out and make me feel better, like this.
If the tone of this blog really concerns you about me. Don't be. I'm truly alright. I just have my moments. I'm not going to do anything crazy. I promise. I'm not like that. I have reasons to exist. I have my family and my friends. I have a nephew who loves me to no end and who I love just as much if not more. He's everything to me.I have so much going for me and so many people who care about me that I wouldn't even consider it no matter how down I may get. I'm constantly reminded of this; on a daily basis in fact. I have big plans for my life.I'm working to make my dreams come true. I'm not going to quit now!
It comes down to this. I just need to go get some help. I need to get some counseling. I just need someone to talk to and help me work things out. Help get my life back together.
So, I just got some time to read through this, and I don't know if this will help at all.
ReplyDeleteI go out a lot. Alone. I go to a coffee shop or the library to do my homework, not locking myself in my dorm room. Just being in the presence of other people helps me, especially being around others that are in a similar mindset as me. At the library, people are cramming for that big exam, or just doing a bit of reading. At Big Mike's, people need their power up before working on a giant assignment or paper.
As for plain socializing? Get out there more! Make more friends online, at the least. Have regular skype conversations. Spark up a new collab channel if that's your style. Connect more. Or check out meetups that are going on around town, there's sure to be something. I know it's hard, but once you start back up again, it will become more comfortable.
Also, you should definitely get back into writing. I have this weird need to be productive most, if not all of the time, so if I'm not doing homework, or writing a new song, story, or poem, then I get really bothered by it, so I have this need, itch to write. It helps a lot, too. I've been super stressed as of late, and just sitting down, sketching out a character, getting a paragraph or two of a plot has helped.