So I'm in one of my moods again. It seems that this semester that I've had a lot of these moods. Moods where I feel especially lonely and upset with the way my life currently is. I'm mostly upset with the lack of social life I have. I want to make more friends but as I've already said, it's extremely difficult for me. This isn't a new problem. I've had trouble making friends ever since I was a kid. I don't really know why. It's especially hard for me now when I'm pretty much isolated. I feel that I'm part of the reason. Today (and most of yesterday), I literally staying inside my apartment. I didn't even step outside. It's been a bit chilly and cloudy the past couple of days so that's part of the reason but at least yesterday I did step outside for a few minutes. I don't like that I lock myself away. I want to do something about it because I just don't know what. I honestly feel like I'm being such a drama queen. I feel that my friends might think I'm wanting them to feel guilty and this isn't what I want. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me (I already feel that way enough myself, I don't need my friends to feel that way for me). I'm reminded quite frequently just how awesome my friends are and for that I'm incredibly grateful. The problem is that they aren't here. I don't get to see the all that often IRL. It's safe to say that the only friend I really have is the Internet. I spend an obscene amount of time on the Internet lately. I practically spend all day on it. It's so bad that I literally refresh pages every 5 to 10 minutes just because I have nothing else to really do. I should do homework but have no motivation to do it (this happens usually after Spring Break anyways.It's mainly one class though that I just want to be done with). But really, it's safe to say that I have a very unhealthy relationship with my computer and the Internet. I can tell it's because I'm feeling extremely lonely because when I'm home with my family, I tend to spend less time on the Internet. Because I spend so much time on the Internet, I do get tired of it but I don't know what else to really do. I have a TV and things I watch but even that's not enough to distract me. Again, I should go somewhere but I have no idea where. The library and Walmart are really the main places I go anymore.
Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with me. Why do I get into these moods more often? I don't understand why I feel so sorry for myself. I get into these moods and I break down more often than not.
I blame myself and my low self-confidence. I know I could do something about this but I don't for some reason. It's like there's some sort of barrier that I've built around myself that prevents me from getting out and being more social and now I can't seem to break through it. It's like along with physically locking myself in my apartment, I've locked away myself (if that makes any sense). I just don't know anymore.
*I have finally sought some help so things will hopefully start improving soon. It's only been one session so it shouldn't surprise me that I'm having these moods still. I can tell it's helped somewhat already. There are some things I feel better about after the one session but it's still going to take some time and I realize that*
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