Pre Eye Surgery emotions and thoughts

I'm scheduled to have eye surgery on Tuesday and I'm already getting nervous about it.  

It''ll barely be 1 month since I had my appendectomy. It fact the next day, at my post-op appointment, it will be exactly 1 month since.

I didn't really have much time to think about my last surgery. After all it was an emergency and I was both in too much pain and feeling too sick to worry much about it.  It was over before I really knew it.

This time is different however. I've been preparing for this surgery for almost a year now.  I was originally schedule to have the surgery over Winter Break but it didn't happen since there wasn't enough time.  I needed to be seen 2 weeks after the surgery and because of the holidays, it just wasn't possible. So now it's finally happening. 

I went in yesterday for my pre-op appointment. They took  a few measurements and such and also put some special prisms on my glasses. These prisms are supposed to simulate how my eyes will be like after surgery. Basically my doctor wanted to see how my brain will react to the surgery and this gives him some idea. The prisms seem to help with focusing.  I'm not having nearly as much trouble focusing on things. 

Before they had put the prisms on my glasses, they had done a test involving depth perception and I failed it. I felt a bit bad at first but it made them realize that my eyes really weren't focusing like they should be. After they mounted the prisms on my glasses, they ran the same test again and I was able to do the test. In other words, I was able to pass because I was using both of my eyes together.

The whole prism thing is to try and trick my brain into thinking it's basically already had the surgery. Get it to focus my eyes properly again.   My eye doctor wanted to see me again today just to see how I was reacting to the prisms. So that's where we went again today.  He ran some more tests and liked how I was reacting. At one point, he told me I was looking straight which is definitely a positive sign.  Again this is all with the prisms on my glasses.

I really can't see clearly. In fact, much of everything is fuzzy and hazy. It's not clear. But they did tell me that it was normal so that's good. I am further reassured that I'm focusing properly again because on the trip over I was able to watch the road and it didn't shift back and forth like it normally would. I'm not having to close my left eye in order to focus. Nor am I having to put my palm between my eyes in order to focus.

I'm going to continue wearing the prisms on my glasses throughout the weekend until the surgery which after that, they'll remove the prisms on my glasses. These mounted ones at least. There's a possibility I may have to have a slight prism put into my lenses to help further correct my eyes.

I also received my instructions for surgery yesterday.  I begin taking eye drops 4 times a day on Monday and then after surgery, I'll start taking an antibiotic twice a day for 7 days. 

I also won't be able to eat anything after midnight until after the surgery. Other things I won't be able to do are bend or lift anything heavy or go swimming for about a week!  Technically, I've already been restricted since my appendectomy so none of this is very new.  I basically fasted prior to my appendectomy. The last thing given to me was medicine with a little bit of water around probably
1:30 AM that morning. My surgery was around 9:30 then.  I've already not been able to do much at least for the 2 weeks since.

Really I've only been lifting a bit more and driving since last week. The reason for that was Phoenix Comicon. Still no swimming though. So basically I really only have had a 2 week window in which I've been able to do a little bit more. Granted I'm still recovering a bit from my appendectomy but the 2 week window has passed where I no longer have to worry so much about my stitches so much.

I didn't expect to be having 2 surgeries less than a month apart but here I am. One was expected but the other was unexpected. I'm basically getting all fixed up this summer!

I'm probably not as nervous as I could be. I'm nervous but I know the end result will help me in the end. Hopefully I'll be back to seeing normal again. Well, as normal as I can be.

There is one thing about surgery that makes me really anxious though. After the surgery, I'll be basically blind for a day because I'll have eye patches on both eyes. I won't be able to really see at all. Not until the next day when I go in for my post-op. I'll basically be helpless and at the mercy of my parents to help me.

I realize this isn't a big deal. Especially since it's only temporarily and for others it's not. But it does frighten me a bit. To basically put my trust in others. To know that I'll have to depend on my other senses for a little while. To not be able to see what exactly is going on around me. 

Just knowing that I'm going to basically be sightless if even only for a day seems to make me more appreciative for things I think.

I'm praying everything will go well and I feel pretty confident it will.  My eye doctor said a prayer with my mom and I today for a successful surgery which was very nice. I'm grateful for this.

I ask everyone to send their prayers please. Wish me luck on Tuesday.

*I plan to do a write up later along with some other write-ups that I still need to finish up*

One note. one step, one day at a time

I mentioned how in my last therapy session of the semester, my therapist said that things will change slowly. That I just have to take things one day at a time. Change is slow and difficult but you just have to keep going.

 I seem to have taken that advice and applied it to other things in my life. Or so it seems that way.

For instance, I've noticed recently that I've applied it to my coursework. Particularly for my cataloging class. I've had some rough assignments that have been frustrating behind belief.  The good thing is that at least this semester, I've understood more of what's going on in my cataloging class than I did in my School Library one.

Of course, I was dealing with a lot at the same time I was taking my School Library course that added to my frustration level I'm sure. I'm sure that the fact I've been in therapy this semester has helped with my frustration for this semester.

However, I'm also only took this course in addition to my Practicum. Last semester I had 2 more classes to deal with in addition to my school library class.

Anyways, I've noticed that at least with the last couple of big assignments, I've taken the "one step at a time" thing to heart. Because I'm a musician I like the term "one note at a time". It makes me relate things to learning a new song.  Regardless though, I've applied such advice to my assignments.

Take my Final Project. It's quite involved and requires that I apply everything I learned over the course of the semester. I have to take 3 books and create records in MARC coding and everything. I even have to create a call number for Library of Congress Classification for each of the books.

I've managed to do well on the two exams that have involved such things. For instance, in our Midterm Exam, it focused on MARC coding. I ended up with a 97 out of 100. For the Subject Cataloging Exam, it involved a little bit of MARC coding but mostly Library of Congress Classification and stuff like Subject Headings.  I even had to come up with a LCC call number for each of the 6 items. It was tricky but I ended up with a grade of 119 out of 100 because I attempted all 6 items and got some extra credit. We only had to do 5 of the 6 items.

Although my assessments haven't been perfect either, I seem to have a bit of understanding of what's going on.  At least enough to be getting reasonably decent grades.

What I've been doing is going back through each lesson and creating the MARC subfield that was discussed in each lesson. I'm doing this for each of the 3 items I've been given.  I'm doing it on paper because for this final project we actually have to use a different program. I think it'll be easier if I do it myself first before putting it into the program. Plus it helps me to keep track and organized.

I'm just taking things one lesson at a time and it's working for me. Less stressful it seems. Yet I don't know why I've never really done this before. Has something changed for me? Has therapy helped me do this?

It seems to have happened a few times by now.  I just seem to being doing more of it.Taking things a step at a time; one day at a time.

That's really all I can do. I can only hope it continues.

End of therapy

Hello again. I did say that I probably would write again today since it was my last day of therapy for the semester. So here I am.

"My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations"-Augustus Waters, The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. 

This quote seems to accurately describe how my mind works. I have so many thoughts in my mind and sometimes it's simply too hard to formulate them into words. Even words that make sense.  So many thoughts like so many stars and it's hard to even make sense of them all.

Like I mentioned already, today was my last therapy session for the semester. It's a bittersweet thing when I think about it. I don't want it to end but at the same time I know it has to.

I've made so much progress since I first began going in October. My life has certainly improved. I mean, I feel like it has. Other people have mentioned that they've noticed a difference.

I mentioned  before how I felt like there were gray clouds in my life. Well now the clouds have mostly gone and the sun has come out.

I feel like I've become a different person since beginning therapy. A more improved person. Someone who is more hopeful about things and feels somewhat more confident.

Today we mostly tried to tie some things up. Finish up some things that we had been discussing. At some point in our conversation today, my therapist mentioned that I had inspired her. Reflecting back on that, thinking about it now makes me feel a sense of pride. I guess that's how I'd describe that.

I mean she's done so much for me and has basically inspired me. It's a bit strange for me to hear that I've inspired her as well. It's good though because if it helps her become a much better therapist, then that's wonderful.

We also talked about how I need to love myself. Love myself like my nephew loves me. It's hard for me to do that but I feel like I'm slowly making steps to do so. That I'll continue making those steps.  That I'll continue to change and start listening to the positive voices more than the negative ones. That things will continue to get better for me.

It's not going to be easy and it hasn't been but it's like learning a new song. It takes time. All I have to do is take it one note at a time and practice. My therapist described it as changing pathways. Hitting different switches to change those pathway that I've developed and followed for years.

So until Fall semester, I will be without therapy (Possibly. Unless I go back to the one back in my hometown). It's certainly going to be interesting.  Probably a little difficult. But then again, I'll be home with family and people that I love. Things are just in general better for me when I'm with family.  When I'm alone, things seem scarier and harder to handle.  Just having family takes some of the pressure; some of the weight off my shoulders.

 The thing is that a couple weeks ago, I wasn't sure  if I'd be able to go without therapy. I mean I realize that going home until August, possibly September, things might be ok. It would be different if I was staying here for at least part of the Summer.

Yet somehow after today, I can't help but feel like I might not need to come back in the Fall. There's still the option but I don't know. Is it really over for me? Do I really need to come back in the Fall? Should I try to come back? Is it even really necessary for me to come back?

I mean things have certainly been better for me. Things have improved greatly. Truth be told I feel like I'm mostly back on track again. But am I really? I mean at least back on track for now. I feel like even if I didn't come back in the Fall, I might be ok to go on.

Then again, Fall is still a ways off. After all, it's not even officially Summer yet. I mean I'm still working on a Final project for the Spring semester.  Things still could change. I could end up coming back and needing or just wanting to go back to therapy for a little while longer. At least I feel like if I were to go back, I wouldn't need to be there much longer.

After all a lot of progress has already been made. However, I still feel that while most things have been covered, I still feel like there are a few things I'd like to discuss.  A few loose ends that need to be tied up.

Yet somehow I feel like I'd be ok even if I didn't get those lose ends tied up. Somehow I feel like I'd be fine to go without therapy.  Even if it's just for a little while upon my return.

Right now things are uncertain.

 My therapist gave me some things to work on over the summer as well as gave me some information to read and work on.

I am extremely grateful everything she's done for me over the past several months. Thanks to her, I feel like I'm in a better place than I've been in some time.  Words cannot even begin to express how truly wonderful and grateful I am to her. If for some reason, I don't return to therapy or even if I do but cannot get her again as a therapist, I wish her the best of luck. I feel like she's going to make a wonderful therapist someday.  Thank you for everything.