End of therapy

Hello again. I did say that I probably would write again today since it was my last day of therapy for the semester. So here I am.

"My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations"-Augustus Waters, The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. 

This quote seems to accurately describe how my mind works. I have so many thoughts in my mind and sometimes it's simply too hard to formulate them into words. Even words that make sense.  So many thoughts like so many stars and it's hard to even make sense of them all.

Like I mentioned already, today was my last therapy session for the semester. It's a bittersweet thing when I think about it. I don't want it to end but at the same time I know it has to.

I've made so much progress since I first began going in October. My life has certainly improved. I mean, I feel like it has. Other people have mentioned that they've noticed a difference.

I mentioned  before how I felt like there were gray clouds in my life. Well now the clouds have mostly gone and the sun has come out.

I feel like I've become a different person since beginning therapy. A more improved person. Someone who is more hopeful about things and feels somewhat more confident.

Today we mostly tried to tie some things up. Finish up some things that we had been discussing. At some point in our conversation today, my therapist mentioned that I had inspired her. Reflecting back on that, thinking about it now makes me feel a sense of pride. I guess that's how I'd describe that.

I mean she's done so much for me and has basically inspired me. It's a bit strange for me to hear that I've inspired her as well. It's good though because if it helps her become a much better therapist, then that's wonderful.

We also talked about how I need to love myself. Love myself like my nephew loves me. It's hard for me to do that but I feel like I'm slowly making steps to do so. That I'll continue making those steps.  That I'll continue to change and start listening to the positive voices more than the negative ones. That things will continue to get better for me.

It's not going to be easy and it hasn't been but it's like learning a new song. It takes time. All I have to do is take it one note at a time and practice. My therapist described it as changing pathways. Hitting different switches to change those pathway that I've developed and followed for years.

So until Fall semester, I will be without therapy (Possibly. Unless I go back to the one back in my hometown). It's certainly going to be interesting.  Probably a little difficult. But then again, I'll be home with family and people that I love. Things are just in general better for me when I'm with family.  When I'm alone, things seem scarier and harder to handle.  Just having family takes some of the pressure; some of the weight off my shoulders.

 The thing is that a couple weeks ago, I wasn't sure  if I'd be able to go without therapy. I mean I realize that going home until August, possibly September, things might be ok. It would be different if I was staying here for at least part of the Summer.

Yet somehow after today, I can't help but feel like I might not need to come back in the Fall. There's still the option but I don't know. Is it really over for me? Do I really need to come back in the Fall? Should I try to come back? Is it even really necessary for me to come back?

I mean things have certainly been better for me. Things have improved greatly. Truth be told I feel like I'm mostly back on track again. But am I really? I mean at least back on track for now. I feel like even if I didn't come back in the Fall, I might be ok to go on.

Then again, Fall is still a ways off. After all, it's not even officially Summer yet. I mean I'm still working on a Final project for the Spring semester.  Things still could change. I could end up coming back and needing or just wanting to go back to therapy for a little while longer. At least I feel like if I were to go back, I wouldn't need to be there much longer.

After all a lot of progress has already been made. However, I still feel that while most things have been covered, I still feel like there are a few things I'd like to discuss.  A few loose ends that need to be tied up.

Yet somehow I feel like I'd be ok even if I didn't get those lose ends tied up. Somehow I feel like I'd be fine to go without therapy.  Even if it's just for a little while upon my return.

Right now things are uncertain.

 My therapist gave me some things to work on over the summer as well as gave me some information to read and work on.

I am extremely grateful everything she's done for me over the past several months. Thanks to her, I feel like I'm in a better place than I've been in some time.  Words cannot even begin to express how truly wonderful and grateful I am to her. If for some reason, I don't return to therapy or even if I do but cannot get her again as a therapist, I wish her the best of luck. I feel like she's going to make a wonderful therapist someday.  Thank you for everything.