My parents

I love my parents. I really do. They are great parents. Loving and extremely supportive.

They are great. I consider us to have a close relationship, and usually I can tell them anything. Lately though, I've been struggling with that fact though. I actually have stopped telling my parents things. It's almost like I've stopped trusting them and I guess I have. I've basically stopped trusting them to understand what's going on with my life. They just don't get what's going on. They think my problems are simple and should be easily fixed but it's more complicated than that.

This week in my therapy session we got to talking about my parents and what they are like. It's important because it gives my therapist more insight into things. It might help her to find out exactly where my problems are coming from. Especially since nothing I've mentioned so far has seemed to make my problems clearer.  Meaning that so far there really hasn't been a reason for things being the way they are.

I haven't really found an explanation for why I'm struggling with some of the things I'm struggling with. Why I'm so afraid of failing. Why I put pressure on myself to do so well. I've thought hard about it too. I've thought back to my childhood and have searched for answers. Yet I haven't come up with a single explanation for things being the way the are. I haven't found a single incident or anything like that. Even things I think about as examples of some of my problems I feel don't explain everything.

Perhaps my parents have more to do with some of my problems than I realized. Maybe even more than they realize.

It was hard talking about my parents this week. Especially when it came to talking about my dad. I really do love my dad. He's a great dad and I'm extremely blessed to have such a wonderful father in my life. However, there are some things that I admit that I'm afraid to discuss with my therapist in regards to him and what he was like when I was growing up. I told my therapist this and she understood. I'm afraid to talk about certain things because I'm afraid it'll make my dad seem like a bad person. I'm afraid my therapist might get the wrong impression about him and I don't want that.

In other words, I guess I want to protect my dad from that. I don't want him to be judged wrongly. Admittedly though, I'm not as close to him as I am to my mom.  I'm sure it's for certain reasons why I'm not.

The thing is that my parents are great. They were raised a certain way. Certain punishments were the same as when they were raised. That's just how they were raised and it's how things were when they were children.

I don't blame them for anything. In fact, if anything I blame myself more than I blame them for being the way I am now.

Yet admittedly I'm sure some of the things they did had more of an impact on me than I realized. I just don't see it or perhaps I refuse to see it.

I guess my point is that I'm sure there are things my parents did that until now I never considered having something to do with the way things are right now.  But the fact remains that despite everything, I don't blame them for what they did. I don't resent them for any reason. I don't wish that they had done things differently.

 They did the best they could as parents when raising me. I'm sure they regret some things and  I'm sure they wish they had done certain things differently. But what parent doesn't feel like this?

I know my mom has apologized for things. That she blames herself for certain things. But I don't feel the blame is justified. She did the best she could as a parent.  Some things she hears about in the news has lead her to feel this way.  But again, I don't blame her or feel anything negative toward her or my dad.

My parents really are wonderful and regardless of everything, I would never have gotten where I am without their love and support.