Scared

I'm still scared of things. Scared of what's to come.
I still have no clue what I want to do in life. I still have no plan.

Basically nothing has really changed since I last wrote a blog post. In fact, if anything it's gotten worse. I feel so scared about a variety of things now that I don't really know how to move past it all. Most of it is all job related too.

I've said I've had anxiety issues and now with the chaos of not getting the job in Denton; not even an interview and having to move back home, I can honestly say I feel like I've reached a new state of depression. I genuinely feel like I'm depressed.I need help and I'm trying to find it but haven't yet.

Anyways, things have been extremely rough over the past several weeks. Things just seem to have gotten worse in terms of my mental health issues.  I'm having crying spells rather frequently and my anxiety about finding a job is making me less motivated to do so.

I'm scared. That's the simple fact. I'm scared to find a job.  I feel like I honestly can't win right now. I'm either over or under qualified for things. I feel like a bit of a failure when I get rejection. It's so hard to keep going when I'm not hearing much back. I just feel like giving up.

Then there's the fact that people are giving me conflicting advice about job searching. I'm told to apply for almost anything I can and take what I'm offered but at the same time, I'm told not to go for the first job I'm offered. This doesn't help me when I'm already struggling to figure things out.

Then there's the fact that I'm just so indecisive about things. I'm sure this all has to do with my anxiety issues. Or partly. I don't know what to do; what choices to make and the more I think about it, the more I would rather not make a decision. I just don't know what I want anymore.

I've developed a bit of a strange fear recently. My brother has been encouraging me to come and stay with him for a week there in Arizona. I'd hopefully find some sort of job there since I'd have more options than I do here in my small hometown. It's a good idea and I'd love to. But there's the fear I have about driving around such a big city metroplex. Big cities and specifically driving in them, freaks me out a bit. I realized this recently when we went to Ft. Worth to visit an old friend of my dad's.

The thought of traffic in a bigger city freaks me out so much right now and in a way, although I'm willing to take the trip, I'm concerned about this fact. It's a silly thing but it's something that definitely causes me intense anxiety when I think about it.  I'm sure that everything else that has been going on with me, has just intensified it. In fact, I'm sure it's just an excuse for much bigger problems I have going on; I'm sure it's just a distraction from the anxiety I have about finding a job.

I'm smart. I realize that at some point and probably soon, I'm going to have to just find something. Something to help bring in money. Something that may not be in the library field.  I've already expressed concerns over not being "good enough" for non-library jobs. I'm still not sure what skills I could use to apply to other jobs. I'm not even sure exactly the types of jobs I'd be "ok" with for the time being.

The thing is that I'm still focusing on Youth Services positions in the library. But so far nothing, which means I'm going to have to expand my field to just get some sort of Library job. I realize this. I do but for some reason, I'm not ready to let go of my essential "dream job positions" yet. I'm not ready to break past this point for some reason. Despite the fact that numerous individuals are telling me to apply for other library positions; almost any library position I can. Yet the same anxieties keep coming up for me when I'm told this. I just seem so bent on finding the job I went to school for and I can't seem to break away from that point yet for some reason.

I still don't "feel" like I'm qualified for anything other than what I went to school for. I don't want to fall back on my undergrad degree. I have skills and I know it but I just don't know exactly what those skills are or how to apply them to non-library jobs. 

Which brings me to this. Let's say I do end up finding a non-library job and let's say that it happens to be in Arizona where my brother and his family are. At least I have family there to help me adjust which is nice. But there's still the issue I have when it comes to moving there.

I'm still afraid that I'll get a job in Arizona but will keep applying for jobs in Texas and will end up actually finding one. That would mean that I'd move to Arizona and start working but then in a month or two, I might actually end up with a job in Texas and have to move again.

That's I think the whole thing that is holding me back. The uncertainty. I've said how I hate moving and I don't want to move more than is necessary.  I know that this is just something in my head. This is only a thought. But it could happen and really I don't know if I'm ready for that.  Starting over and getting settled somewhere and then having to move all over again.

I realize I'm probably being irrational in my thinking. It most likely won't happen that fast but it still could. I realize that chances are it could be months later that I end up finding something whether it be in Arizona or Texas or possibly somewhere else.  I don't know how long it will actually be before I find an actual job position somewhere. It could be months or even a couple of years (although I certainly hope not). But still this is a thought I have and it causes me to be anxious about making any decisions right now even though I should.

I just want to enjoy what I'm doing regardless of if the job is in a library or not. But the thing is that I don't even know what else I'd want to do if I wasn't working in a library.

There's just so much anxiety going on with me and so many thoughts plaguing my mind that I struggle to sort it all out.

I'm even a bit concerned that once I get help, that maybe they won't even be able to completely help me. But I do have hope.

I'm just tired of it all. Of dealing with all these thoughts. Sometimes I really hate my mental health  issues and wish I didn't have to deal with them. I just wish I could be normal again.

What is normal for me anymore?