Let's talk about mental illness

So this past week, Monday, there was yet another tragic shooting in the United States. This is only the latest in what is turning out to be a series of unfortunate events. In order to avoid triggering events, I'm not going to get into detail about any of the events nor do I find it necessary to do so. If someone really wants to know more, feel free to search the web.

But one thing that all these events have in common is the people that caused them. No one really knows or understands why these people did what they did, but one thing seems to be a common factor among each of these individuals: they all are sufferers of some form of mental illness. At least that is what many in the media are saying about the individuals. 

All the individuals involved in these events have suffered from some sort of mental episode at some point or another. As tragic as these events have been, there is a bit of a positive side to them. Because these individuals have been said to have been suffering from some form of mental illness, it has opened communication about mental health. 

People are now talking about mental health more and what can be done to help individuals such as these. For the longest time, no one talked about mental health. It was kept quiet.  Now it's being brought out into the open. People are bringing more attention to mental health. They are talking about it more and advocating for it.

It's tragic that such events had to take place in order for mental health to be talked about but if changes happen that help avoid such events in the future, then that's the positive thing.  

Although I do have to admit, whenever the media talks about mental health in relation to these events, they seem to give it a negative connotation. They seem to speak negatively about mental illness. In a way, events such as these, give a negative view to mental health. These events don't explain all mental illnesses though. But because of these events, people feel that this is what people suffering from mental illness are all like. 

Events such as the one that took place on Monday paint a negative picture surrounding mental illness. People get the wrong idea about mental illness. They see these individuals and start to believe that anyone who suffers from a mental illness is like them. 

Those of us who suffer from mental illnesses know that this is far from the truth.  While yes, there are some people with mental health issues who go to the extremes but that's not all of us.

Just because you suffer from a mental illness does not mean you are someone who wants to go on a killing spree or hurt people.   Not everyone who has clinical depression wants to end their own life.

Just because you suffer from a mental illness, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone who suffers from the same illness. Not everyone experiences a mental illness in the same way or even has the same symptoms.

As you know, I have clinical depression. I also have anxiety. I was officially diagnosed back in March. However, if you were to see me, you wouldn't know it right away.  I don't look any different from any other individual. I look fine.

And that's also where the whole thing of having an invisible illness comes in. Just because you don't look like you're sick, people don't believe you are sick.  But that's doesn't make it any less real. Those of us who are suffering, often suffer in silence because of this. Those of us who need help, feel helpless because people don't understand.

The only people who really understand, are the ones who have suffered themselves. That's when you truly understand what it's like to be depressed or anxious.  For those of us that suffer, every day is a struggle.

We fight each and every day to go about our lives like a normal, functional human being. We fight to keep going on our bad days.  We are fighters.

Believe me, it's hard. Having to put on a mask of sorts and pretend that you aren't miserable inside. Having to fight against your symptoms. Having emotions that you can't always explain to others.

I don't always know why I feel sad or why certain things cause me anxiety when they shouldn't.  But the fact that I get up and try to go about my life like normal, is a battle I face everyday. Somehow I keep going even though it seems hopeless at times.

A couple months after I was diagnosed, I went and saw the movie Iron Man 3. I was so excited to see this new Marvel movie after seeing the first 2. What I didn't expect, was to see Tony Stark being so human and relating to it.

Iron Man 3 takes place after the events in The Avengers. What happened in that movie, had a great impact on Tony Stark because he begins having panic attacks. When this first happened in the movie, it surprised me. Because I could relate to Tony. I knew the feeling.

I almost broke down crying because it just hit so close to home for me. To see a "hero" be so human. I was still relatively new to my diagnoses. I was still coming to terms with what having clinical depression and anxiety meant for me. Seeing this made me feel better. It made me feel like I wasn't so alone. It made me feel like I too could be Iron Man.

For me, Iron Man 3 was so much more than probably what a lot of moviegoers saw.  For me, in some ways, I saw myself.  I saw a movie that brought a mental illness to light and give it a powerful meaning.

I saw a movie that brought what anxiety is like in a very real way.  It brought to life what a mental disorder is really like. For that, I'm glad.  This gives me something to use in conversations with people when explaining my mental illnesses.

That's the thing about mental health. We need to talk about it more. Break the stigma surrounding it. If we talked about it more, then more people wouldn't be so afraid to ask for help. If we talked more about it, we could prevent horrible shooting tragedies from happening.

We take care of our physical health so why shouldn't we take care of our mental health?

I was strong enough to reach out and get help. Not everyone is like that though. So if you or someone you know is having a difficult time, please encourage them to get help. Don't let them suffer any longer than they need to.

You don't have to be alone in suffering.  If you want to talk, I'm here for you. I'll listen.

Why do these tears come at night?

"If there is nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"- Britney Spears, Lucky

I know you are probably tired of me talking about my mental health problems; my anxiety and depression. I can't help it though. This is my daily life now. For how long? Even I don't know the answer to that.

Since being diagnosed, I deal with this on a daily basis. I struggle with mental illness and it's just how it is.

I may not be dealing with this forever but I don't know that.  I just have to take it one day at a time.

Anyways, that's not what I wanted to talk about.

The song lyric at the beginning describes my feelings recently. If nothing is wrong, then why do I still experience sadness? Why do the tears still come? Why do things still feel like they could be better than they are?

I got back from my therapy session earlier this afternoon. One of the things mentioned last week that we talked about today was about increasing my antidepressant dosage.

My therapist thinks I still need a bit of an increase and she convinced me that I need one too. I mean, I'm not against it but at the same time I guess I am.

I'm still struggling more than I probably should be. As my therapist told me, I still seem to be a bit teary and she's right. In addition to me feeling teary and unexplained bouts of sadness, my anxiety has been all out of sorts lately.  I guess I really do need another increase.

My therapist and I also talked about how long I've been suffering from depression and it's probably longer than even I thought. I know I've been suffering for at least a year.  Perhaps even longer.

I've been in and out of counseling for over a year. When I first began, I don't think I was really suffering from depression. I certainly have anxiety issues and have known that for some time. However, it wasn't as bad as it has gotten.

Counseling helped but not as much. Things still weren't that great. As it was, a friend of mine pointed out that I might need something more than just counseling. She was the first to suggest this and she turned out to be right. At the time I didn't really think much about it. Soon after being diagnosed and starting my antidepressant, I remembered what my friend had said.

Things certainly have improved. Yet, like I said, I still have moments of unexplained sadness and moments of heightened anxiety. Prior to being officially diagnosed, I couldn't seem to make it through a therapy session without breaking down in tears all the time. I didn't really understand what was going on with me.

I still get a bit teary during my sessions now but things aren't as bad as they were. I'm no longer breaking down completely in tears like I was.  Things were a lot worse than they are now.

I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Why I couldn't seem to keep myself from breaking down during my therapy sessions. Now I know.

As for my dosage having to be as high as it is, my therapist told me that I was probably at a really low place for a long time and because of that, it's going to take me a longer time to adjust and find the right dosage for me. It's going to take a longer time for me to finally begin recovering.

Also because my life isn't as settled as my brother's is right now, I'm under more stress and therefore, my depression is worse. I'm taking a higher dosage than he is.

Another thing my therapist said is that people who are under chronic stress are more likely to develop depression. That seems like what happened to me. I get stressed fairly easily and I don't handle it well. I'm a bit of a perfectionist,I'll admit.

I'm working on it but I know it's because of this that I stress out so much. So perhaps I did somehow develop depression partly because of that. Then again, I think I'm just someone who was more susceptible for various reasons.

I try so hard to hide my sadness especially from my parents. I just don't want them to worry about me more than necessary. I know they just want to help and want me to be happy. But this is my battle; my struggle.
They mentioned too that I still seem a bit teary to my therapist when they talked to her. So perhaps, I'm not hiding it as well as I thought.

I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling teary and feeling like breaking down in tears for no apparent reason. I'm tired of my anxiety being high and not having a specific cause.

It's a trial and error process to find the right dosage and even to be diagnosed. Depression isn't that simple.

 "How do you know when you have it?"

The thing is, you don't really know and it's not that simple to diagnose either because each person can experience it differently. It's a complex mental illness.

I just hope I can get things sorted out soon.

Where is my happiness?

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm just so done with it all.

Look, I understand that being diagnosed with a mental illness is no easy thing. I know that it takes time to understand it and to come up with a plan for recovery.

Yet, I'm still trying to figure out what it all means. I still feel like things could be better.

I was diagnosed back in March as having depression although, I've been suffering for at least a year. I also have anxiety which is not uncommon. A lot of people who have depression also have anxiety. 

I'm glad to finally have an answer to explain why I'm feeling this way but still it's not easy to explain to people. It's not easy to explain to people you have an illness that is invisible. They don't understand why some things are difficult for you to do.  

My parents don't quite understand although after meeting with my therapist last week, I feel they understand a little bit more than they did before. 

I don't know. I guess I just feel I should be at a much better place by now and I am. However, I also feel things could be even better than they are. It frustrates me sometimes that I'm still struggling. 

I'm impatient I'll admit. I want things to get better faster for my sake and so that I can get back to a sense of normalcy again. Yet, I also understand that because I've suffered for quite some time, things just won't be that easy. That for me, my recovery is going to take quite a while. 

I understand that I'm still going to have my ups and downs; there will still be bad days.  Yet, I'm tired. 

Here I am again tonight feeling sadness and heightened anxiety. I feel like breaking down in tears. There's no reason to explain any of this. 

I know I'm entitled to still feel this way but it's frustrating. I get upset with myself and my brain. I just want to feel happy again. Truly happy. Sometimes I feel I'll never feel that again. 

I feel happiness but then nights like tonight happen and I don't really know anymore. I get days where my anxiety levels are high and I get anxious in situations that I hadn't gotten anxious in before. 

My therapist and I are supposed to discuss my antidepressant dosage at our session tomorrow.  That's one thing that she mentioned at the end of last week after she finished talking to my parents.  

I understand that it also takes time to find the right dosage but it's also frustrating that I haven't found it yet. I think I do but then I have several nights where I feel my anxiety and depression more. That's when it makes me question if my dosage is correct.  

I've already had to up my dosage a couple times. I started off taking only 50mg and things starting improving a bit. After a couple of weeks I moved to 75mg. It seemed that 75mg was going to be fine especially as that was the dosage my brother is also taking. But then my therapist felt that things could still be better. A few more weeks later, I was upped to 100mg and that's where I've been since. 

I'm certainly in a better place than I was prior to beginning my antidepressant. I felt that 100mg was working just fine and I still feel like it is. However, now I'm not sure.

I've been feeling extremely anxious for the past few nights as well as feeling like breaking down in tears. I don't understand what's really going on. In a way, I'm feeling like I've gone backwards in terms of my recovery. In addition to my symptoms being worse than usual, I've noticed I've lost a bit of interest in things. 

Of course there has been a few things going on lately that have added stress to me which I'm sure hasn't helped. It's just been hard to feel like I'm truly getting better when I'm still under a lot of stress and pressure from family. Then again, I also feel like if it wasn't for this stress, I wouldn't know just how bad my mental health issues truly were. 

The thing is that part of me is a bit resistant to upping my dosage again. I feel like maybe I need a little more time to see. But then again, I've already been on this dosage for over a month now and things should be better than they are.  

I just feel that my dosage is already high. I guess I didn't realize just how much I was struggling. My mom commented that my dosage seems high when she asked me. I don't know. I guess it is a bit high and it certainly makes me feel a bit awkward that my dosage is higher than my older brother.

I mean, I know my brother is bad but I didn't think I was worse than he was. I guess I was wrong. Then again, depression is different for each person that has it. My struggles are certainly different than his. 

I guess it just takes some time to figure everything out. But I'm impatient. I'm tired. I just want to feel like a normal person again. Or as normal as I can be. I know that I'll probably never be "normal" in a sense but at least get to a point where I'm not feeling like I am tonight. 

I just wish my mind could sort itself out.