Look, I understand that being diagnosed with a mental illness is no easy thing. I know that it takes time to understand it and to come up with a plan for recovery.
Yet, I'm still trying to figure out what it all means. I still feel like things could be better.
I was diagnosed back in March as having depression although, I've been suffering for at least a year. I also have anxiety which is not uncommon. A lot of people who have depression also have anxiety.
I'm glad to finally have an answer to explain why I'm feeling this way but still it's not easy to explain to people. It's not easy to explain to people you have an illness that is invisible. They don't understand why some things are difficult for you to do.
My parents don't quite understand although after meeting with my therapist last week, I feel they understand a little bit more than they did before.
I don't know. I guess I just feel I should be at a much better place by now and I am. However, I also feel things could be even better than they are. It frustrates me sometimes that I'm still struggling.
I'm impatient I'll admit. I want things to get better faster for my sake and so that I can get back to a sense of normalcy again. Yet, I also understand that because I've suffered for quite some time, things just won't be that easy. That for me, my recovery is going to take quite a while.
I understand that I'm still going to have my ups and downs; there will still be bad days. Yet, I'm tired.
Here I am again tonight feeling sadness and heightened anxiety. I feel like breaking down in tears. There's no reason to explain any of this.
I know I'm entitled to still feel this way but it's frustrating. I get upset with myself and my brain. I just want to feel happy again. Truly happy. Sometimes I feel I'll never feel that again.
I feel happiness but then nights like tonight happen and I don't really know anymore. I get days where my anxiety levels are high and I get anxious in situations that I hadn't gotten anxious in before.
My therapist and I are supposed to discuss my antidepressant dosage at our session tomorrow. That's one thing that she mentioned at the end of last week after she finished talking to my parents.
I understand that it also takes time to find the right dosage but it's also frustrating that I haven't found it yet. I think I do but then I have several nights where I feel my anxiety and depression more. That's when it makes me question if my dosage is correct.
I've already had to up my dosage a couple times. I started off taking only 50mg and things starting improving a bit. After a couple of weeks I moved to 75mg. It seemed that 75mg was going to be fine especially as that was the dosage my brother is also taking. But then my therapist felt that things could still be better. A few more weeks later, I was upped to 100mg and that's where I've been since.
I'm certainly in a better place than I was prior to beginning my antidepressant. I felt that 100mg was working just fine and I still feel like it is. However, now I'm not sure.
I've been feeling extremely anxious for the past few nights as well as feeling like breaking down in tears. I don't understand what's really going on. In a way, I'm feeling like I've gone backwards in terms of my recovery. In addition to my symptoms being worse than usual, I've noticed I've lost a bit of interest in things.
Of course there has been a few things going on lately that have added stress to me which I'm sure hasn't helped. It's just been hard to feel like I'm truly getting better when I'm still under a lot of stress and pressure from family. Then again, I also feel like if it wasn't for this stress, I wouldn't know just how bad my mental health issues truly were.
The thing is that part of me is a bit resistant to upping my dosage again. I feel like maybe I need a little more time to see. But then again, I've already been on this dosage for over a month now and things should be better than they are.
I just feel that my dosage is already high. I guess I didn't realize just how much I was struggling. My mom commented that my dosage seems high when she asked me. I don't know. I guess it is a bit high and it certainly makes me feel a bit awkward that my dosage is higher than my older brother.
I mean, I know my brother is bad but I didn't think I was worse than he was. I guess I was wrong. Then again, depression is different for each person that has it. My struggles are certainly different than his.
I guess it just takes some time to figure everything out. But I'm impatient. I'm tired. I just want to feel like a normal person again. Or as normal as I can be. I know that I'll probably never be "normal" in a sense but at least get to a point where I'm not feeling like I am tonight.
I just wish my mind could sort itself out.
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