Why do these tears come at night?

"If there is nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"- Britney Spears, Lucky

I know you are probably tired of me talking about my mental health problems; my anxiety and depression. I can't help it though. This is my daily life now. For how long? Even I don't know the answer to that.

Since being diagnosed, I deal with this on a daily basis. I struggle with mental illness and it's just how it is.

I may not be dealing with this forever but I don't know that.  I just have to take it one day at a time.

Anyways, that's not what I wanted to talk about.

The song lyric at the beginning describes my feelings recently. If nothing is wrong, then why do I still experience sadness? Why do the tears still come? Why do things still feel like they could be better than they are?

I got back from my therapy session earlier this afternoon. One of the things mentioned last week that we talked about today was about increasing my antidepressant dosage.

My therapist thinks I still need a bit of an increase and she convinced me that I need one too. I mean, I'm not against it but at the same time I guess I am.

I'm still struggling more than I probably should be. As my therapist told me, I still seem to be a bit teary and she's right. In addition to me feeling teary and unexplained bouts of sadness, my anxiety has been all out of sorts lately.  I guess I really do need another increase.

My therapist and I also talked about how long I've been suffering from depression and it's probably longer than even I thought. I know I've been suffering for at least a year.  Perhaps even longer.

I've been in and out of counseling for over a year. When I first began, I don't think I was really suffering from depression. I certainly have anxiety issues and have known that for some time. However, it wasn't as bad as it has gotten.

Counseling helped but not as much. Things still weren't that great. As it was, a friend of mine pointed out that I might need something more than just counseling. She was the first to suggest this and she turned out to be right. At the time I didn't really think much about it. Soon after being diagnosed and starting my antidepressant, I remembered what my friend had said.

Things certainly have improved. Yet, like I said, I still have moments of unexplained sadness and moments of heightened anxiety. Prior to being officially diagnosed, I couldn't seem to make it through a therapy session without breaking down in tears all the time. I didn't really understand what was going on with me.

I still get a bit teary during my sessions now but things aren't as bad as they were. I'm no longer breaking down completely in tears like I was.  Things were a lot worse than they are now.

I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Why I couldn't seem to keep myself from breaking down during my therapy sessions. Now I know.

As for my dosage having to be as high as it is, my therapist told me that I was probably at a really low place for a long time and because of that, it's going to take me a longer time to adjust and find the right dosage for me. It's going to take a longer time for me to finally begin recovering.

Also because my life isn't as settled as my brother's is right now, I'm under more stress and therefore, my depression is worse. I'm taking a higher dosage than he is.

Another thing my therapist said is that people who are under chronic stress are more likely to develop depression. That seems like what happened to me. I get stressed fairly easily and I don't handle it well. I'm a bit of a perfectionist,I'll admit.

I'm working on it but I know it's because of this that I stress out so much. So perhaps I did somehow develop depression partly because of that. Then again, I think I'm just someone who was more susceptible for various reasons.

I try so hard to hide my sadness especially from my parents. I just don't want them to worry about me more than necessary. I know they just want to help and want me to be happy. But this is my battle; my struggle.
They mentioned too that I still seem a bit teary to my therapist when they talked to her. So perhaps, I'm not hiding it as well as I thought.

I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling teary and feeling like breaking down in tears for no apparent reason. I'm tired of my anxiety being high and not having a specific cause.

It's a trial and error process to find the right dosage and even to be diagnosed. Depression isn't that simple.

 "How do you know when you have it?"

The thing is, you don't really know and it's not that simple to diagnose either because each person can experience it differently. It's a complex mental illness.

I just hope I can get things sorted out soon.