Librarian Rant

Librarian

It sounds like such a simple name for someone like me. I can say that I'm a librarian because I have the degree to prove it. I have a Master's degree in Library Science (MLS). 

Just because I'm not currently employed doesn't mean I'm not still a librarian. I'm one regardless. 

However, I'm finding out that a Librarian isn't as simple sounding as I thought. At least when it comes to the general public. 

First off, not many people realize that to be an actual librarian, you have to go college and get a Master's degree. To be a true librarian, you have to have the degree. However, just because someone may not have a degree specifically for a librarian, doesn't mean they aren't librarians. 

After all, the children's librarian at my hometown public library doesn't have an MLS. She was previously a teacher at one of the local middle schools. It just depends on the library and the requirements. Most times though, an MLS degree is required. 

Also, just because someone works in a library doesn't automatically make them a librarian. I don't know how many times I got people thinking I was a librarian when I was really just a library page. Like any other job, a library has many different staff members and not everyone is a librarian. 

This assumption irritated me then and still does now. I realize that to the general public it doesn't really matter. To someone like me though, it does. 

This assumption also makes itself known in other ways too and it's extremely annoying. 

The name "Librarian" brings to mind a variety of assumptions and stereotypes. People think about librarians as being strict ladies with tight buns and glasses that go around shushing people all the time. This is far from the truth though. 

People also seem to have this idea in mind that having a degree in Library Science means you can work in any type of library. This is also not entirely true. 

Like many other fields of study, there are specific concentrations one can take or you can take just a general program. It all depends on the university and what their Library Science program is like. 

For me, my concentration is in Youth Librarianship. This program focused on training me for  "professional positions in different settings including metropolitan, suburban, and rural public libraries, community colleges and academic libraries where they can provide library services to people who teach and work with youth and youth-related information services"  

My desired placement is within a public library. That's where I'd ultimately like to be.

However, when I tell people about wanting to be a "Children's Librarian" and wanting to work with children, they automatically think of a "school librarian". When I try to explain that I can't be a school librarian, they don't understand. 

No, I don't want to be a school librarian and in most cases, I can't even if I wanted to (which I don't). Most places (although not all), require a special certification as a school librarian. For my particular university, in order to even get into the School Library Media Certification program, you had to teach in a school for at least 2 years before applying for the program. 

Yes, I do have my Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education. Yes, for a while, I considered being a school librarian. But that all changed. I realized I didn't want to be a school librarian and instead wanted to be more of a children's librarian in a public library. 

I still don't want to be a school librarian. At least not right now. One reason is that when I took a school library course as an elective in my degree program, it wasn't what I expected. I felt so lost in that course and just felt so out of place with everyone else. Not only that, but the professor just wasn't that great. She made me feel like I was stupid.  It just wasn't a good experience for me. 

I realize that I shouldn't let that one class get to me and make me pass up potential job opportunities. However, it does. I just want to stay away from school libraries for the time being.  Maybe later on down the road, I'll consider it but for now, I want to stay away. 

But other people don't understand this and keep pushing me to apply for school library jobs. That's all I hear. now. "Oh this place is opening a new school. You should apply to be a librarian". "Have you tried applying for this school? They have a library position available".

I'M SO TIRED OF IT!! Just because I'm a librarian and specifically a youth services librarian, doesn't automatically qualify me to be a school librarian. People don't understand the difference though. They don't understand that I just can't apply for school library positions. 

I don't qualify for most of them because many require that certification as a School Library Media which I don't have.  It's frustrating to try and explain this over and over to people.  Especially people who keep pressuring me to apply for the schools.  They don't understand and I'm frankly tired of explaining. 

I don't want to work in a school library if I had the choice to work in a public library. Similarly, I'd much rather work in a public library over an academic library if I had the choice. A public library is where I feel the most comfortable. It's where I feel like I can provide the best services. That's my focus when it comes to jobs. 

I realize it might be limiting me but that's what I want. At this point, I'm not even specifically focusing on youth services jobs in a public library. I'm just trying to get into a public library. I have even tried a couple school libraries and academic libraries without much luck. 

But I'm just tired of people pressuring me to keep applying for school libraries when it's not what I ultimately want.  

Just because I'm a librarian doesn't mean I'm qualified to work in all libraries or in all areas of a library. There's much more to being a librarian and it's much more complex than people realize. 

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and other things

I really couldn't come up with a good title for this blog post. As it is, I've been feeling less than motivated to do much of anything lately including writing.

I signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) this year and have only written 248 words out of the goal of 50,000. I was on vacation when it began so that put me behind by about 6 days.  But then, when I returned I just couldn't get myself motivated and still can't. Now I'm extremely behind and the thought of how many words behind I am just makes me panic and less willing to do it.  Basically I've hit a mental block and just have given up at this point. I'm still going to work on my novel but only when the desire to write returns which may not happen this month.

Anyways, I've just been struggling with the desire to write lately. Struggling with a lot of things actually.  Ever since returning from our trip to Texas, I've just felt different. I'm not sure why exactly either.I'm sure part of the reason I've been feeling the way I do is because of the lack of sleep and then the time changes from the trip. However, I'm sure there are also other reasons.  It feels like it's taking me longer to recover from this trip than is normal.

Since returning, I've just felt really tired; like I don't have much energy.  I find myself just feeling like I don't get enough rest. There have been a few mornings where I just wake up feeling so tired and not wanting to get out of bed. Like I've already mentioned, I've also felt an extreme lack of motivation. I don't feel like writing or even catching up on Tumblr (although I finally did that last weekend).  I don't even have motivation to apply for jobs (not that that's very much different).  My emotions have also just felt out of control. As it was, on Monday November 4, during our trip, I woke up with my mind just racing with thoughts and I was just in tears. Throughout the day, I just felt more anxious and felt close to tears.  Since returning, I've still felt sadness and heightened anxiety and I don't understand why. I feel almost like I did before I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

Which got me thinking about the possibility of having Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I can honestly say that since the weather started getting colder, I've felt as though my depression and anxiety has worsened a bit.  When I looked more into SAD , all the things I've been feeling lately certainly make sense and I'm wondering if I have it.  Of course, I don't know for sure.

I would have asked my therapist about it last week but I was unable to do. I had to end up cancelling my session due to unforeseen circumstances even though I really could have used it. I have a session this week though and hopefully she'll be able to help me figure out what's going on.

This isn't the first time the possibility of having SAD has come to my mind. I've thought about having it before back when I was in high school; during my 12th grade year especially.  That was when I was juggling working part-time at the library, taking college classes, and regular high school classes.  I remember just feeling more drained of energy and more tired when the weather started getting colder. My friends at the time, also seemed to notice as well as some other people.   I'm not sure where I thought about the term SAD but I remember hearing about it and thinking about the possibility of having it. I also remember just not feeling as happy. I didn't think too much about it at the time. I figured that maybe I was just tired from juggling everything.  

However, thinking about it now, I can see a bit of a pattern.  Even during college, I would just feel a lack of energy when the weather got colder.  My nervous breakdown happened during Fall 2009; around the time the weather started getting colder.  Last year, I started having more breakdowns and feeling just more sadness as the weather got colder. I just really fell into a depressive state and just felt worse and worse as time went on. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was exactly.

Just looking at this though, I can see a bit of a pattern that could possibly be SAD. Because I do remember feeling a bit better when the weather started getting warmer. I wouldn't feel as tired or a lack of energy. I remember just also feeling a bit happier in general. I didn't feel as though a grey cloud was hanging over me as much. Things just in general, seemed a bit better for me. Again, this makes me wonder if I have SAD in addition to Major Depressive Disorder. It really wouldn't surprise me if I did though.

It seems that ever since being officially diagnosed, I've noticed how a lot of mental health disorders tend to overlap and I'm feeling as though my problems are a lot more complicated than I originally thought. I'm finding that I possibly have other disorders that are linked with my anxiety and depression. I think I have a bit of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and perhaps I also have SAD. Like I said, hopefully my therapist will help me figure out what's going on during our session this week.

Speaking of high school, I was finally approved into the Facebook group for my High School Graduation class.  I don't know why but one night, I was looking at some of my old classmates' profiles. It was a bad idea. I felt so horrible afterwards. I looked at a lot of my classmates' pictures and almost didn't recognize some of them. Many of them look so different now. Many of them are married and/or have kids. It  made me feel awkward and a bit inferior compared to them. I look at myself and I look at them. Many of them look different than they did in high school . I look at myself and I feel like I haven't changed much at all.

I still look pretty much the same as I did in high school. I don't even really dress all that differently than I did back then. I mean, it's my style and everything but still, it doesn't make me feel much better. Yet, I know that I am different.  I'm certainly different inside. I've fought difficult battles that my classmates don't know about. Struggling with mental health issues, has changed me. I'm no longer the person I was back then.  I've experienced things that many of my classmates didn't. Such as moving away from home to attend college in a whole different state and attending grad school.

I know I'm different on the inside. I'm not the same as I was back then. I feel like back in high school, I was a different person. While I've never really been a really confident person or even extremely outgoing, I do feel like I was a bit more so back then than now. I'm not sure where exactly this all changed for me but it did.  In fact, I feel like I'm more anxious about things now than I was back then.

In fact, back when I was in high school, I was quite involved with things at church. I was in the Youth Group choir and was an Alter Server.  I even played piano for the choir.  While I got nervous performing, I still did it. Now, some of the church members who have known me for years, have asked me to help out while I'm here. I've been asked to be a Eucharistic Minister and also a Lector. Honestly though, I don't want to do either.

I've already been having a complicated relationship with my religion but besides that, thinking about helping out and being up there with all these people watching me and counting on me, is just making me extremely anxious. Just taking up the Offeratory gifts to the alter makes me nervous now. Thinking about being up on the alter now, just makes me extremely anxious and not want to do it.

Things have changed for me. I'm now more anxious about things that I wasn't nearly as anxious about before. It's strange and I don't really understand it.  Being on the alter singing with the choir and being an alter server, didn't really bother me back then. Now just thinking about being up there, is enough to make me nervous.

I don't know what is going on with my mind anymore. It would be nice if it could just make sense for once.

Sometimes I still wish that I had an explanation for my depression and anxiety.  I know someone who also has depression but there's was brought on by grief. Mine doesn't have an explanation like that; it just happened.

I wish things were that simple to figure out. I wish my mind would just make sense.

I keep searching for answers that I'll probably never find and I don't even know why I'm still looking for them.

Stuffed friends

Ok, I'll admit it. I still sleep with a stuffed animal. In fact, I sleep with several stuffed animals on my bed. I have a fairly good size collection.

There's one stuffed animal in particular that I tend to sleep with more than others though and that's my Watercolor bunny named "Splash". I made her last year at Build-A-Bear soon after I had my appendectomy. It was my first build and I was such a little kid making her. I was so happy and excited. I had a lot of fun!

Now I have a collection here at my parents house with me. 5 of the animals are my own builds, 1 virtual build (I purchased her online); 1 is a build that my nephew made for me; the rest, I've adopted from thrift stores.  I have several small fry animals which are mini versions of Build-A-Bear animals. I also have several Build-A-Bear friends in storage.

I can't help it. I love stuffed animals. They're very comforting to me. Especially since being diagnosed with mental health issues. Any time I feel sad or anxious, I hug my animals and it helps me feel a lot better.

Ever since I was diagnosed, I noticed that I tend to gravitate more toward my stuffed animals. I find myself feeling the need to cuddle with them more.

There's just something about a stuffed animal that makes everything better for me. I guess when I think about it, it's a connection to my childhood and feeling comforted by a stuffed friend.

When I was younger, I had a small doll that rattled and called her "Rattle Baby". I had her for the longest time. She was well loved and I eventually had to put her away because she was just getting too worn out. I got another stuffed friend. A white rabbit that I named "Fluffy". It was a rabbit that I had gotten around the time my older brother moved away to Florida. The rabbit was a fairly big size and once again, I had it for the longest time.  I added more stuffed friends to the mix: a bean bag cat, a Tweety Bird, a small elephant I'd won as a prize from Peter Piper and named "Lucky". I eventually put all the others away and went back to just my rabbit. It got to the point where I had to put my rabbit away too.

There were times I didn't sleep with any stuffed friends. And for quite some time.  But eventually I started seeking comfort again and went back to sleeping with a stuffed friend.

Especially last year;my last semester of graduate school, when I started feeling really down and sinking into a depressive state. I needed comfort and I didn't have anyone. I was alone. I didn't have any friends and I was away from home.  So I turned to my stuffed animals.

I found comfort in them. They helped me not feel so alone. They comforted me during the nights when the tears just wouldn't stop falling.  They help me feel calmer when my anxiety was just going crazy.

My stuffed friends still do that for me. So what if I'm an adult. For me, my stuffed friends are therapeutic They help me deal with my anxiety and depression. In some ways, they help me fight it. They help me battle my inner demons and make me feel stronger and not so alone.

My stuffed friends help me feel truly safe and make me feel comfortable about my mental health struggles. They are the only other ones who have been there for me besides my therapist.

I still have my bad days but I seek comfort in knowing that just hugging my stuffed bunny or any of my other friends, can make me feel better.  My stuffed friends have become a big part of my recovery process. I know my collection of stuffed friends has grown since being diagnosed but yet, each one of them is important to me.

If anyone reading this also struggles with depression or anxiety or any other mental health issue, I encourage you to find a stuffed animal or another comfort object. Something that makes you feel "safe" and "secure". Sometimes I feel it's the only thing I need to feel better.

I'm not ashamed of it either and neither should anyone else be. If you need something to help you feel better, then go for it.