I really couldn't come up with a good title for this blog post. As it is, I've been feeling less than motivated to do much of anything lately including writing.
I signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) this year and have only written 248 words out of the goal of 50,000. I was on vacation when it began so that put me behind by about 6 days. But then, when I returned I just couldn't get myself motivated and still can't. Now I'm extremely behind and the thought of how many words behind I am just makes me panic and less willing to do it. Basically I've hit a mental block and just have given up at this point. I'm still going to work on my novel but only when the desire to write returns which may not happen this month.
Anyways, I've just been struggling with the desire to write lately. Struggling with a lot of things actually. Ever since returning from our trip to Texas, I've just felt different. I'm not sure why exactly either.I'm sure part of the reason I've been feeling the way I do is because of the lack of sleep and then the time changes from the trip. However, I'm sure there are also other reasons. It feels like it's taking me longer to recover from this trip than is normal.
Since returning, I've just felt really tired; like I don't have much energy. I find myself just feeling like I don't get enough rest. There have been a few mornings where I just wake up feeling so tired and not wanting to get out of bed. Like I've already mentioned, I've also felt an extreme lack of motivation. I don't feel like writing or even catching up on Tumblr (although I finally did that last weekend). I don't even have motivation to apply for jobs (not that that's very much different). My emotions have also just felt out of control. As it was, on Monday November 4, during our trip, I woke up with my mind just racing with thoughts and I was just in tears. Throughout the day, I just felt more anxious and felt close to tears. Since returning, I've still felt sadness and heightened anxiety and I don't understand why. I feel almost like I did before I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.
Which got me thinking about the possibility of having Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). I can honestly say that since the weather started getting colder, I've felt as though my depression and anxiety has worsened a bit. When I looked more into SAD , all the things I've been feeling lately certainly make sense and I'm wondering if I have it. Of course, I don't know for sure.
I would have asked my therapist about it last week but I was unable to do. I had to end up cancelling my session due to unforeseen circumstances even though I really could have used it. I have a session this week though and hopefully she'll be able to help me figure out what's going on.
This isn't the first time the possibility of having SAD has come to my mind. I've thought about having it before back when I was in high school; during my 12th grade year especially. That was when I was juggling working part-time at the library, taking college classes, and regular high school classes. I remember just feeling more drained of energy and more tired when the weather started getting colder. My friends at the time, also seemed to notice as well as some other people. I'm not sure where I thought about the term SAD but I remember hearing about it and thinking about the possibility of having it. I also remember just not feeling as happy. I didn't think too much about it at the time. I figured that maybe I was just tired from juggling everything.
However, thinking about it now, I can see a bit of a pattern. Even during college, I would just feel a lack of energy when the weather got colder. My nervous breakdown happened during Fall 2009; around the time the weather started getting colder. Last year, I started having more breakdowns and feeling just more sadness as the weather got colder. I just really fell into a depressive state and just felt worse and worse as time went on. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was exactly.
Just looking at this though, I can see a bit of a pattern that could possibly be SAD. Because I do remember feeling a bit better when the weather started getting warmer. I wouldn't feel as tired or a lack of energy. I remember just also feeling a bit happier in general. I didn't feel as though a grey cloud was hanging over me as much. Things just in general, seemed a bit better for me. Again, this makes me wonder if I have SAD in addition to Major Depressive Disorder. It really wouldn't surprise me if I did though.
It seems that ever since being officially diagnosed, I've noticed how a lot of mental health disorders tend to overlap and I'm feeling as though my problems are a lot more complicated than I originally thought. I'm finding that I possibly have other disorders that are linked with my anxiety and depression. I think I have a bit of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and perhaps I also have SAD. Like I said, hopefully my therapist will help me figure out what's going on during our session this week.
Speaking of high school, I was finally approved into the Facebook group for my High School Graduation class. I don't know why but one night, I was looking at some of my old classmates' profiles. It was a bad idea. I felt so horrible afterwards. I looked at a lot of my classmates' pictures and almost didn't recognize some of them. Many of them look so different now. Many of them are married and/or have kids. It made me feel awkward and a bit inferior compared to them. I look at myself and I look at them. Many of them look different than they did in high school . I look at myself and I feel like I haven't changed much at all.
I still look pretty much the same as I did in high school. I don't even really dress all that differently than I did back then. I mean, it's my style and everything but still, it doesn't make me feel much better. Yet, I know that I am different. I'm certainly different inside. I've fought difficult battles that my classmates don't know about. Struggling with mental health issues, has changed me. I'm no longer the person I was back then. I've experienced things that many of my classmates didn't. Such as moving away from home to attend college in a whole different state and attending grad school.
I know I'm different on the inside. I'm not the same as I was back then. I feel like back in high school, I was a different person. While I've never really been a really confident person or even extremely outgoing, I do feel like I was a bit more so back then than now. I'm not sure where exactly this all changed for me but it did. In fact, I feel like I'm more anxious about things now than I was back then.
In fact, back when I was in high school, I was quite involved with things at church. I was in the Youth Group choir and was an Alter Server. I even played piano for the choir. While I got nervous performing, I still did it. Now, some of the church members who have known me for years, have asked me to help out while I'm here. I've been asked to be a Eucharistic Minister and also a Lector. Honestly though, I don't want to do either.
I've already been having a complicated relationship with my religion but besides that, thinking about helping out and being up there with all these people watching me and counting on me, is just making me extremely anxious. Just taking up the Offeratory gifts to the alter makes me nervous now. Thinking about being up on the alter now, just makes me extremely anxious and not want to do it.
Things have changed for me. I'm now more anxious about things that I wasn't nearly as anxious about before. It's strange and I don't really understand it. Being on the alter singing with the choir and being an alter server, didn't really bother me back then. Now just thinking about being up there, is enough to make me nervous.
I don't know what is going on with my mind anymore. It would be nice if it could just make sense for once.
Sometimes I still wish that I had an explanation for my depression and anxiety. I know someone who also has depression but there's was brought on by grief. Mine doesn't have an explanation like that; it just happened.
I wish things were that simple to figure out. I wish my mind would just make sense.
I keep searching for answers that I'll probably never find and I don't even know why I'm still looking for them.
No comments:
Post a Comment