Brain dump

I'm so tired today really needed to get some thoughts off my mind before I officially call it a night.

I was going to write a Tumblr post originally but realized that I had a lot more to write than I'd want to share on Tumblr.

Anyways, I feel so messed up when it comes to days of the week because of work. It's Friday night and I should be enjoying it but because of work, it just feels like another day. My days are just all messed up because of my schedule. My weekends are almost non-existent now. I work on Saturday (tomorrow) but then I'm off Sunday. It just messes with my mind.

I still hate work. In fact after tonight, I just want to quit so badly. I've been wanting to quit since I began working but because I don't have another job yet, I can't. It's complicated. But tonight, I'm just so done with it all. I'd rather quit than have to put up with this job any more. I'm just 100% done at this point. I'm just so fed up with it. The money isn't worth all this stress.

As it is, this job has seemed to have forced me into a depressive episode that I just can't seem to shake. I just can't stand it anymore. It seems to be causing me more problems for me mentally. I feel so tired and sore. Even after nearly 2 months of working, my lower back and my feet still tend to get extremely sore. I dread going in so much that my stomach develops knots and I start feeling sickish. My anxiety is just completely out of control and I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown almost constantly.

Today was just terrible. I was already sore from the past couple days of work and today I just felt like I could barely move without feeling sore. Not to mention that I was already exhausted. I just felt like I didn't get a lot of sleep last night even though I know I did.  Then to top it all off, I just had an extremely bad headache for some reason. It just made me less willing to go in to work. I just really felt like calling in sick and staying cuddled up in my bed all day and sleep. If only I could.

My anxiety gets so bad that I start feeling a bit nauseous; like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. It happened today. I just dreading going in so much that I started feeling like I was going to be sick. I really was tempted to call in and say that I was sick just so I didn't have to go in. But I didn't and went in to work anyways. Part of me still hoped that I would get sick just so I'd have a reason to be sent home. But no.

I hate my manager so much that I honestly have gotten to the point where I wish he would just fire me. I honestly don't really care if I get written up for not doing certain things anymore. I'm just compleo tely done with him and with this job. I'm easily replaceable and really I'd rather give this job up and let someone else handle it.  I'm supposed to be "happy" and smile but honestly, I don't feel like doing either. I just feel tired and lack energy. I try to push myself to hustle like he wants but I just feel like moving slow.  It's just too much for me to deal with.  As it is, I struggle to get out of bed a lot of mornings. Partly because of how sore I am but also partly because of my depression.  I almost wish I couldn't get out of bed on days I have to work because again, it would give me a legitimate excuse not to go in.

This job just seems to have made my mental health take a downward turn. I honestly feel like it's doing more harm than good. I thought it would help me from thinking too much but that certainly isn't the case. I feel like by quitting, it would help me out a great deal. Certainly for my mental health problems it would help.
Then again, I'd be going back to what it was like before I got this job and I'm not sure which is worse at this point.

Speaking of my mental health, part of me wishes I could be in crisis just so I wouldn't have to deal with all this anymore. This was brought to my mind because I called my therapist to reschedule an upcoming session.  I left her a message and one of the things that she mentioned was about being in crisis.  I hate this job so much that I'd rather be in crisis. Thinking about that makes me feel desperate. I am desperate though. I literally want my mental health problems to be so bad that I am forced to quit in order to deal with them.  I know that sounds horrible but at this point, it's the only "out" I see for this job.  At least until I find another job; a job I'd enjoy more.  That or if I were to get fired. It's not like I would purposely try to get myself fired either.

The fact that I would rather be sick or unable to get out of bed or anything like that just so I didn't have to go in to work, says a lot. I hate thinking like this but I just can't help it. That's how much I hate it.  I'm just so miserable and there's really not much I can do about it.

Here I am a Master's graduate and I'm stuck in this job that makes me miserable. All because no one else will hire me and give me a chance. I just don't get it! What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?

Out of all the girls I hung out with in middle and high school, I'm the one who went far in terms of education. None of the others went for their Master's degree. There's only one other girl who even graduated from college. She has her Bachelor's and that's it. The rest of the girls have some college but quit.

So basically I'm the most educated out of all of them and yet I'm stuck in this crappy job. They, on the other hand, seem to have jobs that they enjoy.  It's just not fair! :( Why can't I find something that I can enjoy? How did they get so lucky? When is it my turn?

I just want to give up. It's starting to feel like I won't find anything and will be stuck for a while.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Honestly, I can't take anymore but I don't see a way out of it anytime soon.