Mixed up emotions

My emotions have just been so mixed up lately and honestly, I think it's mostly due to the stress I'm under at work and how much I just can't stand the job.

I've said how I'm just not happy anymore and I'm not. I find myself in tears almost every night. Things just aren't going very well for me.

I'm downright miserable. It's like my emotions don't know what's going on.

My anxiety levels have been all out of sorts. I feel on the verge of anxiety attack far more often recently.
Today I had a moment while at Wal-Mart where I just started to feel like panicking and I just felt a bit odd for a few minutes. Like I was out of it and in a daze. I felt like crying for no apparent reason.

It passed almost as quickly as it came on.  I just tried to tell myself to calm down and take deep breaths. I also told my brain to shut up.

However, the feeling hasn't gone completely away and it hasn't in some time; the feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking down in tears. Also the feeling of just heightened anxiety.

After being off for about a week from work, when I returned last Thursday it was just like a shock to my system. I dreaded going in knowing the amount of things I had to get done.  I was on the verge of tears even before I went in.
It was only for 3 hours but even that seemed like a monumental task. Afterwards, my back and feet were so sore.

The next morning, Friday, I literally had to drag myself out of bed. I just didn't feel good mentally or physically. I guess it was my depression causing a lot of it.  I just felt awful all day.  I dreaded going in to work so much. I wasn't happy and I didn't feel like smiling at all. I just felt so tired and miserable and close to tears.

I was quiet and just not very upbeat at work. I laughed if something was funny but it felt odd. It was more forced laughter than anything. I tried really hard to put a smile on my face and seem happy but it was almost painful to do so.

Saturday wasn't much better either especially since I was woken up by a phone call from my boss at 5:30 AM. He wanted to know where the keys to the smoker were at. I had put them back but the other guy who'd come in to help me out had gone outside to check everything and he was the last to have them.  They found the keys when I'd called back. But I couldn't get back to sleep for the longest time. I finally managed to but I was still tired when I finally woke up. I was also not in the best of moods.

I don't know what's going on with my mind anymore. I don't know if my dosage is working much anymore. But then again, I don't really know what is going on. I feel close to tears almost constantly. I find myself basically crying myself to sleep far too many nights.  I have times where nothing is really triggering my anxiety and yet I'm still incredibly anxious for some reason.  I just get moments where I suddenly feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack and sometimes they are unexpected.

I just also feel tired a lot. Like I just don't get enough sleep even when I do. Especially on my days off. I feel like doing nothing but staying in bed and relaxing. I find myself feeling extremely tired in the afternoons during my days off when compared to the days I work. I also find myself having to drag myself out of bed more often.  Part of it could be due to the soreness but I'm sure it's also because I've just been extremely depressed.

I feel like my brain is just all mixed up once more. I find myself battling negative thoughts and just feeling like I'm stuck. I feel like I don't know what's going on with me anymore.  Why am I feeling so miserable? Why can't my brain just figure things out?

It's like I've gotten bad again and basically I have. It's like I'm back to where I was before I began treatment. It doesn't seem as bad but still pretty bad.

I know it's this whole job thing. The job I have and then trying to find another job and hearing nothing. I don't know how much more I can take of it all.  The whole thing is just so complicated.

I guess really though with everything going on, I really shouldn't be surprised that I'm having another "episode". Too many feelings about everything at once.

What makes it worse is that I'm basically fighting this battle alone. I don't have much support except from my online group, an anonymous chat website, and my therapist. My parent's really don't understand my struggles or mental health problems and I just feel like they aren't very supportive about the whole thing. I don't have any real friends here either. Not someone I could just call up and talk to about things. Basically I'm alone and lonely. I feel that far too much lately.

 I just am dealing with a lot right now and don't really know where to turn or what to do.  Even finding the right words seems difficult.  "I'm fine" I say when really I'm not. I'm really not fine and I haven't been.

I don't really know if any of this makes sense. I feel like once again I'm just rambling.