Traumatized

I had my last counseling session yesterday. The last of the sessions they offer here. I've made a lot of progress and I've definitely been feeling a lot better. I feel as though I'll be able to continue making progress on my own now despite the fact that I know that it won't be easy. However, there are still issues that need to be worked out. Issues that are better suited for the long term counseling that the center cannot provide. My counselor feels as though it would be extremely helpful for me to find a counselor back home so I can continue counseling over the summer. Especially since I'll be home for 3 months. She feels as though I should look for a counselor that specializes in trauma. The reasoning for this is because I'm still having issues dealing with the event that took place back in November (I posted an entry about it).  Basically that event traumatized me and it did. I still break down and all the horrible memories come flooding back in whenever I even think about it. 

The event traumatized me so much that it changed me. It changed how I feel about living here in my apartment complex. I really think that given the opportunity, I'd move in a heartbeat. If someone were to offer me an apartment that was cheaper than the one I'm currently living in and also it came with perks such as utilities paid, I'd jump at the chance. Despite the fact, I really hate the thought of having to move everything out of my apartment again. It was such a hassle just moving out of my Oklahoma one and moving into this one that quite honestly it would be easier to just stay put until I finally graduate and start my career.  There are things I like about my apartment. I love the fact that it's within walking distance of a library and that it's a nice size. I also like that I have at least one neighbor I can talk to and feel comfortable with.

However, I have to admit that I live in a constant state of fear and anxiety. And it's because of what happened. I try to avoid going outside when I know that person is around and I'm constantly on alert in case they decide to come over and try talking to me. I'm afraid to answer my door right away when someone knocks fearing that it's the person. Everytime I pull into the driveway after being away on the weekend or in the evening, I look to see if the person's car is there and even if the person is outside. If I'm around when the person is, I don't open my window blinds and if I do go outside I spy through them to see if it's safe. All this is simply because I don't want to communicate or even see the person.

What happened traumatized me and I'm still having trouble dealing with it. Obviously this is why I still need counseling. Also, despite the fact that I've improved, I wouldn't say all my problems are fixed. I''ll even admit that there's a good possibility that I might a couple more sessions upon my return back to Denton after the summer in order to help me deal with the transition back.

I do find it interesting how when I mentioned to my parents that my counselor suggested I continue counseling over the summer, they said that they'd been discussing that possibility already. I don't know what to think about this. I guess it's nice that they recognize that I'm have things I need help dealing with. Hopefully I'll be able to find someone back home and continue to get better. If this means that I'll have some long term counseling  for awhile even after I get back, then so be it. At least I've recognized that I need help and have started getting that help.