Because the other post was already getting too long, I figured I'd try and break it up some.
I'm a somewhat shy person. Ok, maybe that's a bit of an understatement. I'm just shy. Let's say that. I'm not someone who makes friends very easily. I feel awkward in social situations.
I'm not very confident in my abilities either. So really, being a Children's Librarian seems like something that wouldn't necessarily fit my personality since you have to work with the public. Yet, here I am going into it.
I seem to work better with children though. I enjoy children and enjoy reading to them and sharing my love of reading with them. Right now with my Practicum, I've enjoyed it for the most part. I enjoy the reading during Story Time and how much fun it is. Yet, I still feel like I lack some confidence when I'm up in front. I tend to hold back with the singing and such. I still get a bit of nerves at the thought of "performing" on my own. I have to plan and execute a Story Time on my own and I'm already worried about it. However, I feel like all this is mostly me and not necessarily because I'm not doing the right thing. I feel like I still belong.
It does make me think though. I used to be in Drama club , and took Theater in high school and have auditioned for plays. I never actually have been in a full-blown performance but still. I feel like I can "act" in front of people somewhat or at least I was able to back then. Now things are different and I'm wondering when that changed exactly.
Sometimes I can't help but think that if I could go back in time and do it again, I would. But then I don't know what I would've gone for. What degree I would have ended up with. I think if I were to go back I might have gone for more of a General Studies degree but I don't really know.
However, I also think about other things as well. I feel like my life would be so much different. I don't know if I would have ended up at Oklahoma State at all. I don't know if I would've met such wonderful people as my advisor and some of my professors with whom I still keep in contact. I wouldn't have found such a wonderful church community and met such wonderful friends. I wouldn't have met some of my classmates who became my friends through the Elementary Education program. If I'd never have come to Oklahoma State, I don't believe I ever would have met my wonderful nerdfighter friends. I would probably have never met Hank and John Green or ALL CAPS or Skyway Flier or Lauren Fairweather or The Whomping Willows or even Maureen Johnson or Emily (The awesome nerdfighter librarian of the Metropolitan Library system). I wouldn't have gotten to go Go Karting with my friend Travis and MJ and Emily. I don't even know if I would've ended up here in Denton.
My life would just be so much different. It makes me think then, if everything that happened was worth it. I think it was but at the same time part of me wishes I could go back and do it over. If only to actually have a Bachelor's degree I can feel proud of; a degree that I don't feel is useless.
I guess it's because of my insecurities regarding my Bachelor's degree that I feel insecure about my Master's degree. After all I am nearing my completion. I have a couple of classes plus Capstone left and should be graduating in December. Then it's into the real world.
Yet, I'm still not entirely sure if I want to be a Children's Librarian. Part of me wants to be one but part of me also doesn't know. I honestly think it would be fun to work in a hands-on Science museum or something. My love of Science hasn't gone away and this is something that I think would satisfy both my desire to work with children and my love of science. Not only that but I think my library skills would come in handy and (as much as I don't want to believe it) my Elementary Education skills.
What would I be happy doing? Truly happy doing. It would be nice to travel to the future to find out but then again, what if I didn't make the right choices in the present and changed my future.
I just want to be happy with what I end up doing. I want to be able to enjoy what I do for practically the rest of my life. I don't want to regret making the choices that I do.
I guess I won't really know until I try. That's all I can do. Just keep moving forward.
Hopefully everything will work out for me and I'll be happy with my decisions.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
The Past, The Present, and the Future
I've been thinking a lot about my decisions in the past and present lately. Also a lot about my future. All in regards to my career/college choices.
I want to know if I've made the right choices. That what I've decided is truly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I feel like it is but part of me isn't sure. I guess I've been thinking about this because I'm in the process of picking my last classes for the Summer and Fall 2012 semesters. I'm in Practicum right now and sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is really what I want to be doing.
I'm just afraid of making the wrong choice again. I don't want to end up with another useless degree as my Undergrad turned out to be. I don't want to repeat what happened to my brother.
Thinking about my practically useless Undergrad degree and my career/college journey up until now...
When I was little and until about my freshman year of high school, I wanted to be a Dentist. I was fascinated by this field for some reason. Everytime someone would ask me what I wanted to be, I would answer with Dentist. Even my own Dentist would ask me if I was still planning to take over for him and I would tell him yes. But then freshman year of high school came and in my English class we were required to research our ideal careers. I didn't like how much schooling was involved and at the time, I didn't think I wanted to be in school that long plus all the higher math that was involved scared me. Math is not my strong area and was concerned about passing all the necessary courses. So out went that idea.
Then I decided I wanted to be a Scientist of some sort. What type, I did not know. I just really loved Science and wanted to do something with it. I also really became interested in CSI at the time and was fascinated by stuff going on in the lab. I even wanted some of the real Forensic shows on TV and still found it fascinating. I decided I wanted to be a Forensic Scientist but one that worked in the lab. I didn't want to be the one to work with the dead bodies. That was what I focused on for awhile. I wasn't that strong in Chemistry or Math. I enjoyed it for the most part it but wasn't that good in it. I had taken an AP Chemistry class and hadn't done all that well in it.
I had even applied for a Science scholarship, given to those going into a Science field, and had received it (one of the only 2 scholarships I received). It was about the time I had graduated from High school and was in the beginnings of my first year of college, when my cousin told me about how much Science and Chemistry and (there it was again) higher Math that was involved. That discussion really broke me. At this point in my life, I was lost. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I didn't know what I truly wanted to do. What really made me happy. I still really loved Science and wanted to do something with it but didn't know what or even which area of science to go into.
Finally I realized that I really enjoyed libraries and working with children. So I decided to try and be a Children's librarian or even a School Librarian. There was a program at the university my cousin was a coach at that he thought I might be interested in. I looked into it and it sounded like a program I was interested in. The problem is that the program required some sort of Education degree or similar. Which basically meant I would have to go into teaching. I didn't really want to be a teacher but considered it to be the first step to my overall goal. I chose Elementary Education since that was the age of children I thought I'd enjoy working with. I went into the program never intending on being a teacher and I would tell my professors and classmates that. While I did like some classes and aspects of teaching, I also had things I didn't enjoy. One of those things being the actual teaching and most of my field experiences. By the time I did my student teaching, I knew I didn't ever want to be a teacher. Student teaching pretty much sealed that decision for me. I don't know if it was partly due to the school I was at (it was a pretty rough school) but I just knew by then that teaching wasn't for me. Well I didn't get into the Master's program there like I had intended to. I guess the results from my student teaching experience weren't that positive or something and because of that I wasn't the right "fit" for the Master's program.
That was an emotional experience. So then I found out about the program here at UNT. The Youth Librarianship program of study seemed more like what I was interested in and a better fit for me than the other program would have been. So that's where I'm at now. I tried School Library as one of my classes because I still thought it might be a possibility but it's not for me. School Librarian isn't for me.
Despite how well I'm doing and how I seem to have finally found where I fit in I can't help but think if this is still what I want to do. I feel like it is but what if I'm wrong? I've make mistakes before in this sense. I just don't know anymore.
(This post is getting incredibly long so I'm going to continue in another post.)
I want to know if I've made the right choices. That what I've decided is truly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I feel like it is but part of me isn't sure. I guess I've been thinking about this because I'm in the process of picking my last classes for the Summer and Fall 2012 semesters. I'm in Practicum right now and sometimes I wonder if what I'm doing is really what I want to be doing.
I'm just afraid of making the wrong choice again. I don't want to end up with another useless degree as my Undergrad turned out to be. I don't want to repeat what happened to my brother.
Thinking about my practically useless Undergrad degree and my career/college journey up until now...
When I was little and until about my freshman year of high school, I wanted to be a Dentist. I was fascinated by this field for some reason. Everytime someone would ask me what I wanted to be, I would answer with Dentist. Even my own Dentist would ask me if I was still planning to take over for him and I would tell him yes. But then freshman year of high school came and in my English class we were required to research our ideal careers. I didn't like how much schooling was involved and at the time, I didn't think I wanted to be in school that long plus all the higher math that was involved scared me. Math is not my strong area and was concerned about passing all the necessary courses. So out went that idea.
Then I decided I wanted to be a Scientist of some sort. What type, I did not know. I just really loved Science and wanted to do something with it. I also really became interested in CSI at the time and was fascinated by stuff going on in the lab. I even wanted some of the real Forensic shows on TV and still found it fascinating. I decided I wanted to be a Forensic Scientist but one that worked in the lab. I didn't want to be the one to work with the dead bodies. That was what I focused on for awhile. I wasn't that strong in Chemistry or Math. I enjoyed it for the most part it but wasn't that good in it. I had taken an AP Chemistry class and hadn't done all that well in it.
I had even applied for a Science scholarship, given to those going into a Science field, and had received it (one of the only 2 scholarships I received). It was about the time I had graduated from High school and was in the beginnings of my first year of college, when my cousin told me about how much Science and Chemistry and (there it was again) higher Math that was involved. That discussion really broke me. At this point in my life, I was lost. I didn't know what I wanted anymore. I didn't know what I truly wanted to do. What really made me happy. I still really loved Science and wanted to do something with it but didn't know what or even which area of science to go into.
Finally I realized that I really enjoyed libraries and working with children. So I decided to try and be a Children's librarian or even a School Librarian. There was a program at the university my cousin was a coach at that he thought I might be interested in. I looked into it and it sounded like a program I was interested in. The problem is that the program required some sort of Education degree or similar. Which basically meant I would have to go into teaching. I didn't really want to be a teacher but considered it to be the first step to my overall goal. I chose Elementary Education since that was the age of children I thought I'd enjoy working with. I went into the program never intending on being a teacher and I would tell my professors and classmates that. While I did like some classes and aspects of teaching, I also had things I didn't enjoy. One of those things being the actual teaching and most of my field experiences. By the time I did my student teaching, I knew I didn't ever want to be a teacher. Student teaching pretty much sealed that decision for me. I don't know if it was partly due to the school I was at (it was a pretty rough school) but I just knew by then that teaching wasn't for me. Well I didn't get into the Master's program there like I had intended to. I guess the results from my student teaching experience weren't that positive or something and because of that I wasn't the right "fit" for the Master's program.
That was an emotional experience. So then I found out about the program here at UNT. The Youth Librarianship program of study seemed more like what I was interested in and a better fit for me than the other program would have been. So that's where I'm at now. I tried School Library as one of my classes because I still thought it might be a possibility but it's not for me. School Librarian isn't for me.
Despite how well I'm doing and how I seem to have finally found where I fit in I can't help but think if this is still what I want to do. I feel like it is but what if I'm wrong? I've make mistakes before in this sense. I just don't know anymore.
(This post is getting incredibly long so I'm going to continue in another post.)
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Grad vs Undergrads
Social interaction has been slow this semester but I remain hopeful. I mean I am getting out more because I have to for my practicum. I've also attended one Young Adult event at my church and have plans to attend more. There's also hope that the Harry Potter Alliance group is FINALLY taking shape. At least there's a meeting taking place on Sunday. There's also a Quidditch team in the works. I have plans to attend the meeting and at least try to join the Quidditch team.
There is a big of a problem I have though. I already feel that I'm a bit of an outsider and that's even before I go to the meetings. My counselor has been encouraging me and has been trying to get me to be more social. I feel like I've gotten better but still not there just yet.
Anyway, I'm planning to go to the meeting on Sunday. However, I have my doubts. First off, I'm almost 100% positive that when I go, I'll be the only graduate student there. Which for me, already puts me at a disadvantage. I already feel like I'm going to be an outsider just because I am a graduate student. Everyone else is almost certain to be an undergrad.
Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with undergrad and grad students being friends or anything. I don't have a problem with it. However, for me it just makes things harder for me. At least here it makes it harder for me it seems. The thing is that it feels as though there are barriers or lines that I just break through or cross. I mean I could but I'm finding it extremely difficult to do.
First of all, as a graduate student, I've had a whole different experience than most undergrads have had. I just feel different. Also many of the undergrad students are sure to be younger than me. Again not a problem but still, it makes me feel more distanced. Like I can't exactly relate sometimes.
The other so called "barrier" is the fact that for me I don't feel like I can truly relate. I'm distanced even further by the fact that I didn't attend UNT as an undergrad. Also there's the fact that while I'm a UNT student, I'm in an online only program. I don't take classes on campus so there's no real need for me to go to campus. Because of this, I feel so distanced from the University. In fact, I feel closer to my alumni college than I do to UNT. These other people attend classes on campus and such and probably feel more loyalty to the school than I do or ever will. To me, this isn't MY university. Just because I'll have ties because of Graduate school, I don't feel like I'll even truly belong here. I won't come back to visit.
There's also the issue of the fact that I don't live on campus like most of these people probably do. Many of them probably live in the dorms so they don't have the slight problem I have involving parking. They can just walk to the Union and walk back. Just like that. For me it takes more planning. Even those that live closer to campus have a slight advantage over me. I feel that because I live on the other side of Carroll (one of the main streets) and closer to TWU, I'm even more distanced.
My counselor wants me to go and make friends and then try to meet up with said friend outside of the group later during the week. It's a great idea in theory but the personal barriers seem to get in the way.
I don't know what it'll take. I guess the whole thing comes down to me just being really insecure about myself and not really feeling connected here in Denton no matter how hard I try. I don't even seem to want to get connected. I just don't feel very happy here still.
I just feel like by being myself, I still feel like I don't quite fit in to places.
There is a big of a problem I have though. I already feel that I'm a bit of an outsider and that's even before I go to the meetings. My counselor has been encouraging me and has been trying to get me to be more social. I feel like I've gotten better but still not there just yet.
Anyway, I'm planning to go to the meeting on Sunday. However, I have my doubts. First off, I'm almost 100% positive that when I go, I'll be the only graduate student there. Which for me, already puts me at a disadvantage. I already feel like I'm going to be an outsider just because I am a graduate student. Everyone else is almost certain to be an undergrad.
Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with undergrad and grad students being friends or anything. I don't have a problem with it. However, for me it just makes things harder for me. At least here it makes it harder for me it seems. The thing is that it feels as though there are barriers or lines that I just break through or cross. I mean I could but I'm finding it extremely difficult to do.
First of all, as a graduate student, I've had a whole different experience than most undergrads have had. I just feel different. Also many of the undergrad students are sure to be younger than me. Again not a problem but still, it makes me feel more distanced. Like I can't exactly relate sometimes.
The other so called "barrier" is the fact that for me I don't feel like I can truly relate. I'm distanced even further by the fact that I didn't attend UNT as an undergrad. Also there's the fact that while I'm a UNT student, I'm in an online only program. I don't take classes on campus so there's no real need for me to go to campus. Because of this, I feel so distanced from the University. In fact, I feel closer to my alumni college than I do to UNT. These other people attend classes on campus and such and probably feel more loyalty to the school than I do or ever will. To me, this isn't MY university. Just because I'll have ties because of Graduate school, I don't feel like I'll even truly belong here. I won't come back to visit.
There's also the issue of the fact that I don't live on campus like most of these people probably do. Many of them probably live in the dorms so they don't have the slight problem I have involving parking. They can just walk to the Union and walk back. Just like that. For me it takes more planning. Even those that live closer to campus have a slight advantage over me. I feel that because I live on the other side of Carroll (one of the main streets) and closer to TWU, I'm even more distanced.
My counselor wants me to go and make friends and then try to meet up with said friend outside of the group later during the week. It's a great idea in theory but the personal barriers seem to get in the way.
I don't know what it'll take. I guess the whole thing comes down to me just being really insecure about myself and not really feeling connected here in Denton no matter how hard I try. I don't even seem to want to get connected. I just don't feel very happy here still.
I just feel like by being myself, I still feel like I don't quite fit in to places.
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