Grad vs Undergrads

Social interaction has been slow this semester but I remain hopeful. I mean I am getting out more because I have to for my practicum. I've also attended one Young Adult event at my church and have plans to attend more. There's also hope that the Harry Potter Alliance group is FINALLY taking shape. At least there's a meeting taking place on Sunday. There's also a Quidditch team in the works. I have plans to attend the meeting and at least try to join the Quidditch team.

There is a big of a problem I have though. I already feel that I'm a bit of an outsider and that's even before I go to the meetings.  My counselor has been encouraging me and has been trying to get me to be more social. I feel like I've gotten better but still not there just yet.

Anyway, I'm planning to go to the meeting on Sunday. However, I have my doubts. First off, I'm almost 100% positive that when I go, I'll be the only graduate student there. Which for me, already puts me at a disadvantage.  I already feel like I'm going to be an outsider just because I am a graduate student. Everyone else is almost certain to be an undergrad.

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with undergrad and grad students being friends or anything. I don't have a problem with it. However, for me it just makes things harder for me.  At least here it makes it harder for me it seems. The thing is that it feels as though there are barriers or lines that I just break through or cross. I mean I could but I'm finding it extremely difficult to do.

First of all, as a graduate student, I've had a whole different experience than most undergrads have had. I just feel different. Also many of the undergrad students are sure to be younger than me. Again not a problem but still, it makes me feel more distanced. Like I can't exactly relate sometimes.

The other so called "barrier" is the fact that for me I don't feel like I can truly relate. I'm distanced even further by the fact that I didn't attend UNT as an undergrad. Also there's the fact that while I'm a UNT student, I'm in an online only program. I don't take classes on campus so there's no real need for me to go to campus. Because of this, I feel so distanced from the University. In fact, I feel closer to my alumni college than I do to UNT. These other people attend classes on campus and such and probably feel more loyalty to the school than I do or ever will. To me, this isn't MY university. Just because I'll have ties because of Graduate school, I don't feel like I'll even truly belong here. I won't come back to visit. 


There's also the issue of the fact that I don't live on campus like most of these people probably do. Many of them probably live in the dorms so they don't have the slight problem I have involving parking. They can just walk to the Union and walk back. Just like that. For me it takes more planning. Even those that live closer to campus have a slight advantage over me. I feel that because I live on the other side of Carroll (one of the main streets) and closer to  TWU, I'm even more distanced.  

My counselor wants me to go and make friends and then try to meet up with said friend outside of the group later during the week. It's a great idea in theory but the personal barriers seem to get in the way.

I don't know what it'll take. I guess the whole thing comes down to me just being really insecure about myself and not really feeling connected here in Denton no matter how hard I try. I don't even seem to want to get connected. I just don't feel very happy here still. 

I just feel like by being myself, I still feel like I don't quite fit in to places.