So this is another story simply because I've been reading Chicken Soup for the College Soul. It's a book that's certainly gotten me to think about my own college experiences and I can honestly say I've been able to relate to some of them. For one thing it's gotten me to think about an experience I had when I first transferred to Oklahoma State University back in January 2008. If I were ever to submit a story about college experiences to the editors of Chicken Soup this is one I'd certainly consider.
It was January 2008. I had just transferred to Oklahoma State University. I had moved away from home to an entirely new state and new city. I'd had never experienced moving before now. I'd lived 19 years of my life in my hometown of Alamogordo, New Mexico and hadn't been away from my parents like this before. It was certainly an experience. Luckily, I wasn't too far away from family. I had an older cousin who was coaching the OSU Women's track team at the time. He was the one who had offered me a place to live for a semester when I made my decision to attend classes at the University.
When I transferred, I ended up having to pick up a semester's worth of courses; courses the University required that I hadn't taken at NMSU-A. One of those courses was Biology 1114, Introductory Biology. The course was divided into two parts: a lecture class and a lab. My professor was Dr. Rikin and I couldn't tell you what country he was from. All I know is that from the first day, I knew the class wasn't exactly going to be easy. His accent was strong and made it difficult to understand the lectures. At first I tried really hard to understand what he was saying but eventually I gave up. Not only did I struggle with listening to the professor but I also struggled to understand the course lectures. We had lab groups and were required to sit with our groups during class. We were also allowed to bring laptops to class to take notes. Most times during lectures I would read the O'Colly or work on the Sudoku puzzle or browse the Internet on my laptop if I decided to bring it that day (Interestingly enough it was during one of the lecture classes that I signed up for twitter!). A few times I dozed off (it was a pretty early morning class). It was a fairly big class and the lecture hall was certainly big enough that things like this went generally unnoticed. At first I would try to sit near the first but after awhile I moved toward the back. Mostly because my other group members would sit further back.
I hadn't taken Biology since my freshman year of high school but I clearly don't remember struggling with that class as much as I did with this Biology. I believed I was generally good at Science but apparently not so much with Biology. I did quite well with the labs though. In fact, it was really the only part of the course that I did well on. I was in a group with 3 other guys. Yes, I was the only girl. The other girl that was originally assigned to our group at the beginning of the course had dropped out (never met her either). I was also the oldest of the group (I was a sophomore; they were freshman). The guys didn't take over. On the contrary, I seemed to do more of the actual lab work and understand the experiment better than they did. I was almost fearless compared to them. In fact when one of the lessons involved live mice, I didn't freak out like one of the guys. For me, the lab portion of the course was great! Especially since the TA was pretty great too. His name was Steven Cadenhead. He was a great guy; friendly and very helpful.
While my labs were pretty good, my tests were not. I struggled with the tests. They were all Scantron based/multiple choice. I thought I would understand something but then I would get the answers wrong. I would study and look at the notes and such posted online but still nothing. My test scores were still low. I got frustrated and started to panic. I was on a scholarship and was afraid of losing it if I didn't pass the class. Thankfully my lab grades were keeping my grade up if only just barely.
I didn't know what to do. I always felt that I had done fairly well on the exams after they were over but then I'd get the grade back and feel terrible. Even with the exam grades being curved. The exam before the final came and went. Once again, I hadn't done well. I was destined to just fail the class and I didn't want that. At some point I must have said something to my TA about it because he offered to help me before the final exam. He offered to look over my previous exams and explain where I'd gone wrong. So I started going to him during his office hours and he'd help me out. There were practice tests available on the course website that I would also bring to help me study. For the few weeks leading up to the Final, I would meet with the TA and he would help me better understand. I worked hard and that extra studying seemed to help. The day of the Final arrived and I felt more prepared than I ever had for a Biology exam before. I felt like I knew a good amount of the questions on the exam. After the exam was over, I felt like I had actually done quite well. I didn't trust this feeling too much though since I'd felt that way before. Yet, I felt more hopeful this time. I felt like I might actually do well for once.
The results came and I had passed!! I was so thrilled! My final grade in the course ended up being a B! I was so grateful for help from my TA. If it wasn't for all his help and for me being so willing to accept his help, I don't believe I would have done so well. Of course as soon I got my grade, I had to tell him the next time I saw him! He was proud of what I had accomplished! While part of me suspects that he might have said something to the professor, I really do believe that a lot of it had to do with him helping me studying.
The following semester, I was on the way to another class when I ran into him again. I thanked him again for all he did for me. I'm still thanking him. He helped me get to where I am today and I will never forget that.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
My Future Librarian type
With the big movie release for The Hunger Games just around the corner (March 23rd!), I've been trying to finish reading the book in preparation for not only the movie but also an event. Next week, the day before the movie release, the North Branch library is having a little celebration. Their will be trivia and games and all sorts of things for the teens relating to The Hunger Games. I'm quite excited about it.
So in a conversation with one of the library staff today I was telling her how I'm trying to finish at least the first book in the series before the event takes place so I felt more clued in and knew more about what was going on. The book has certainly been a conversation starter for me!
In the conversation, it was brought up how I don't necessarily have to have read the book in order to put on a program relating to it. The person pointed out how a Harry Potter Party event had taken place and the librarian in charge hadn't read any of the books or seen any of the movies. Besides it's mostly the teens that are part of the Teen Advisory Board that plan the events and help run some of them. The librarian just really has to get the stuff and make sure things are running smoothly. At least at this particular library.
Now I know I don't HAVE to read the popular books but I WANT to. I don't want to be the type of librarian that puts on book programs without having read the book first. It's not me! I feel obligated as a future librarian to read books like Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and yes, even Twilight. All these popular Teen/YA and Children's books. For me, it doesn't make sense not to read the books and know what's going on. It's not the type of Youth Services Librarian I want to be. I want to be able to talk about such book with Teens and Children.
It makes me feel like I'd be more credible as a Youth Services Librarian if I've read or attempted to read a popular book series. Even if I don't necessarily like a particular book series (Twilight). At least I'd be able to discuss it with those Teens who ask me questions about it.
And I'll certainly get questions! I realize that I won't be to read EVERY single YA or children's book. But it's to my advantage to keep up with the current trends in books. It'll help me in designing programs and selecting which books to purchase.
I want to be the type of librarian that Teens and Children will respect and love to come visit and have book discussions with. So for me reading and keeping up with popular book series isn't a chore. It's a challenge that'll help me to become a great Youth Services Librarian someday.
So in a conversation with one of the library staff today I was telling her how I'm trying to finish at least the first book in the series before the event takes place so I felt more clued in and knew more about what was going on. The book has certainly been a conversation starter for me!
In the conversation, it was brought up how I don't necessarily have to have read the book in order to put on a program relating to it. The person pointed out how a Harry Potter Party event had taken place and the librarian in charge hadn't read any of the books or seen any of the movies. Besides it's mostly the teens that are part of the Teen Advisory Board that plan the events and help run some of them. The librarian just really has to get the stuff and make sure things are running smoothly. At least at this particular library.
Now I know I don't HAVE to read the popular books but I WANT to. I don't want to be the type of librarian that puts on book programs without having read the book first. It's not me! I feel obligated as a future librarian to read books like Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, and yes, even Twilight. All these popular Teen/YA and Children's books. For me, it doesn't make sense not to read the books and know what's going on. It's not the type of Youth Services Librarian I want to be. I want to be able to talk about such book with Teens and Children.
It makes me feel like I'd be more credible as a Youth Services Librarian if I've read or attempted to read a popular book series. Even if I don't necessarily like a particular book series (Twilight). At least I'd be able to discuss it with those Teens who ask me questions about it.
And I'll certainly get questions! I realize that I won't be to read EVERY single YA or children's book. But it's to my advantage to keep up with the current trends in books. It'll help me in designing programs and selecting which books to purchase.
I want to be the type of librarian that Teens and Children will respect and love to come visit and have book discussions with. So for me reading and keeping up with popular book series isn't a chore. It's a challenge that'll help me to become a great Youth Services Librarian someday.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
An abundance of writing journals and notebooks
Journals and notebooks of different shapes and colors and styles lay around my apartment. Most of take up a small portion of one of my bookshelves. They take up residence in various drawers. Some in the bottom drawer of my desk, another one in a drawer in my pink craft tower. A couple of them in a shelf space in my nightstand. Some of them have locks with keys; more like diaries. Others have simple latches to open and close them. Still others are simply just regular notebooks. None of them are completely full or even half full. Some are completely blank; not even used.
Some of these notebooks are full of just notes of writing and doodles. Others though tell stories of my life from various years; most being just a page or two of incomplete writings. The only real journal/diary that tells something about me and my daily life is the diary I got in 4th grade.
It's an actual diary but the lock broke a lot time ago and now it's kept close with a piece of white ribbon strung through the hole where the lock was and the ends tied in a bow. It's a Lisa Frank diary with a picture of the 3 Ballerina Bunnies on it. (I was big into Lisa Frank when I was younger. Still kinda am actually). I began writing in this diary when I was in 4th grade and for a while I would write in it almost dail. Nothing too exciting in it. It's an almost boring telling of an 9 year old's life at the time; a less complicated life that was then compared to now. There would be times where I would skip days or sometimes longer between entries until I stopped almost entirely. I guess my life just got busy and I would stop writing for a long time. I would then stumble upon the diary later and write some more things. I grew older and of course the entries changed a bit. Glimpses into the life of a 10, 11, 12 and even 13 year old through the occasional entry. Eventually the diary became a diary specifically for writing certain things going on until I stopped writing in it completely.
I considered myself to be a writer about the time I was in 7th grade and dedicated most of my time to writing poetry and stories by then. Sometimes I would pick up a "journal" or "diary" of some sort but it was usually just to vent. This was how it came to be. I told people I wrote and they would give me journals to write stuff in. Some I would write in and others I just set aside and never touched them. Sometimes I would buy a little notebook to carry around with me and write in when the desire to struck me. To write in when I just needed to get things off my mind.
So now I have a bunch of notebooks and journals with only a few pages written on. Some are still entirely blank. As I said before, none of them are completely full. I can't help but think I should be writing more physically. I do on occasion but I find that since I'm online more, that blogging is just a lot easier. I honestly feel that sometimes typing is a lot faster for me. I feel that my mind is so full of things I want to say that writing just takes too long.
I still love to write though and I will occasionally write an actual journal entry in one of my notebooks. I still carry around a small notebook to jot down things when I'm out and about. But really a lot of my writing has evolved. I tend to write a lot more online now. I certainly blog a lot more now. As I've said before, I consider writing to be a form of therapy for me.
I've often wondered though what I should do with all these journals, notebooks, and diaries that I have. I think about consolidating some of them perhaps even trying to finish some of the incomplete entries in some of them. I even think about converting them into electronic versions. But then I think, what would be the point? Is there even a reason I should? I do feel that I should at least collect all the ones with journal entries though and doing something with them. After all, those entries tell a story; my story.
Sometimes I think I should just convert these journals and such into a book of some sort. That I could use them to get back into writing stories or poetry. Basically turn them into novels or something like that. But then again, there's the fact that technology might be easier for that.
Basically technology has taken over for my writing. I mean, I still love to write physically on occasion
Yet, technology has made it so much easier although it leaves me with a bunch of either empty or semi-filled journal notebooks. And honestly I just don't know what to do with them all.
Some of these notebooks are full of just notes of writing and doodles. Others though tell stories of my life from various years; most being just a page or two of incomplete writings. The only real journal/diary that tells something about me and my daily life is the diary I got in 4th grade.
It's an actual diary but the lock broke a lot time ago and now it's kept close with a piece of white ribbon strung through the hole where the lock was and the ends tied in a bow. It's a Lisa Frank diary with a picture of the 3 Ballerina Bunnies on it. (I was big into Lisa Frank when I was younger. Still kinda am actually). I began writing in this diary when I was in 4th grade and for a while I would write in it almost dail. Nothing too exciting in it. It's an almost boring telling of an 9 year old's life at the time; a less complicated life that was then compared to now. There would be times where I would skip days or sometimes longer between entries until I stopped almost entirely. I guess my life just got busy and I would stop writing for a long time. I would then stumble upon the diary later and write some more things. I grew older and of course the entries changed a bit. Glimpses into the life of a 10, 11, 12 and even 13 year old through the occasional entry. Eventually the diary became a diary specifically for writing certain things going on until I stopped writing in it completely.
I considered myself to be a writer about the time I was in 7th grade and dedicated most of my time to writing poetry and stories by then. Sometimes I would pick up a "journal" or "diary" of some sort but it was usually just to vent. This was how it came to be. I told people I wrote and they would give me journals to write stuff in. Some I would write in and others I just set aside and never touched them. Sometimes I would buy a little notebook to carry around with me and write in when the desire to struck me. To write in when I just needed to get things off my mind.
So now I have a bunch of notebooks and journals with only a few pages written on. Some are still entirely blank. As I said before, none of them are completely full. I can't help but think I should be writing more physically. I do on occasion but I find that since I'm online more, that blogging is just a lot easier. I honestly feel that sometimes typing is a lot faster for me. I feel that my mind is so full of things I want to say that writing just takes too long.
I still love to write though and I will occasionally write an actual journal entry in one of my notebooks. I still carry around a small notebook to jot down things when I'm out and about. But really a lot of my writing has evolved. I tend to write a lot more online now. I certainly blog a lot more now. As I've said before, I consider writing to be a form of therapy for me.
I've often wondered though what I should do with all these journals, notebooks, and diaries that I have. I think about consolidating some of them perhaps even trying to finish some of the incomplete entries in some of them. I even think about converting them into electronic versions. But then I think, what would be the point? Is there even a reason I should? I do feel that I should at least collect all the ones with journal entries though and doing something with them. After all, those entries tell a story; my story.
Sometimes I think I should just convert these journals and such into a book of some sort. That I could use them to get back into writing stories or poetry. Basically turn them into novels or something like that. But then again, there's the fact that technology might be easier for that.
Basically technology has taken over for my writing. I mean, I still love to write physically on occasion
Yet, technology has made it so much easier although it leaves me with a bunch of either empty or semi-filled journal notebooks. And honestly I just don't know what to do with them all.
Monday, March 5, 2012
My College admission story
I feel like I've reached the point in this blog where I tend to repeat a lot of things I've already mentioned in another post. I feel like my blog has become almost repetitious at this point so I don't blame you if you are growing bored with me.
I've been reading a book called Chicken Soup for the College Soul lately. It's a book I stumbled upon at some book sale or yard sale or something (I don't remember which) a few years ago. It's a book I picked up in the hopes that it would help me out being that I was a college student. I haven't read a whole lot of it since I bought it but with the way things have been going lately, I thought I'd try actually reading it this time.
Reading some of the first stories regarding college admissions got me thinking about my own college admission experience. Thinking back on it, I don't feel I've ever really had the traditional experience that many of these stories present.
I really wasn't the typical high school Junior/Senior researching all these colleges and visiting campuses. I wasn't even all that eager to apply for scholarships and in fact, I hated applying for scholarships. Especially when about a majority of the ones I applied for I didn't receive. I basically got frustrated applying. It just felt like I was doing all this work for nothing. It just didn't seem worth it to me. I know I needed the scholarships but it was such a hassle trying to get me to apply for them.
As for researching colleges, I did research a few. When I was really interested in Forensic Science, I stumbled upon St. Mary's in San Antonio and I was thinking about attending there for awhile. Yet I never actually visited the campus. I knew I wanted to go out-of-state because my brother had told me it was a good idea but I didn't exactly try that hard.
By the time I was a Senior, I had already begun taking college level courses on the hill; the community branch of NMSU. I guess I figured I would just stay at the community college a few years to get my basics out of the way before moving on because that's what happened.
Most of my classmates moved on to the main campus of New Mexico State University right after graduating and started classes there in the Fall as freshmen. Not me. I stayed in town for a couple years. I still wasn't sure where I wanted to go after those two years though. I didn't really want to end up on the main campus. My older brother had already told me how much trouble he and my sister-in-law had when they transferred there from the community branch. Some of the courses ended up not transferring despite the fact that the college was a branch campus of the main university.
It would have be easier for me to stay in state considering I had the Lottery Scholarship to help pay for college. It was really the one scholarship I knew I would receive being a New Mexican student. (I guess that's another reason I didn't really try so hard at applying for scholarships).
If I had stayed, things would certainly have been better for my parents financially considering I didn't even qualify for Financial Aid. However, there really wasn't anything for me in New Mexico.
When my cousin came for a visit and talked about programs that were available and that I might be interested in at Oklahoma State, I jumped at the chance to go there. My parents and I even went to visit the campus before I made my final decision. I applied for the school and was accepted fairly easily as a transfer student.
A similar case happened when I came here to Denton. The University of North Texas was suggested to me by my adviser and it was relatively close to my current location in Oklahoma. The application deadline was quickly approaching if I wanted to begin in the Fall (which I did). The other school I looked into ;The University of Arizona, while closer to family (my older brother), already had their fall admission deadline pass (it was in March). If I applied for that school, I wouldn't be starting until Spring 2011 and what if I hadn't been accepted? I applied for UNT and was accepted into the school, again, with no real problems.
I read these stories in the book and I think about how some students apply for a bunch of different colleges and then wait for their acceptance/rejection letters. I read how many students and their parents tour various college campuses during breaks during their Junior and Senior years. I never really had that. Sure I toured OSU and UNT but only because I was pretty sure I would be attending them. I never sat around waiting for an acceptance letter from a certain college. I applied for the community college and was accepted there easily but almost everyone is anyways. I had already taken a few classes there while a Senior in high school and had done well so it really wasn't that big of a deal for me to be accepted.
The only rejection letter I got was when I had applied for a Master's program at OSU. That was it. But I quickly found another school and was accepted into it.
My grades have always been good throughout my schooling. Mostly A's and B's and very rarely C's (mostly the really really difficult classes). Even now I still get really good grades. I guess this is one of the reason I've never really had trouble being accepted. I participated in a few clubs in high school and was in officer positions for a couple of them. I'm also a fairly decent writer and was able to come up with things for the admission essays. My test scores for the ACT and SAT while they weren't the best, they weren't the worst either. They were decent enough though. I just didn't do so great on those tests. At least not as good as what others expected me to get. Considering how intelligent I am, my guidance counselor expected me to do a lot better than I did. (Perhaps a little test anxiety got to me? Who knows?)
I never really went after the very competitive schools because I guess I never thought I was good enough. I guess I was realistic. While I was certainly smart, I knew I wasn't smart enough for any of the Ivy League schools so I didn't even try. Perhaps I just felt like I should actually try applying for a school where I knew I would be accepted. So that's what I did.
So my college admission story isn't typical. I didn't exactly go through a lot of struggles or challenges to become accepted. I had big dreams but perhaps they weren't so big after all in comparison to some others.
My dreams have changed and I've faced challenges. Still, I've worked hard to make my dreams come true. In the end ,that's the most important part.
I've been reading a book called Chicken Soup for the College Soul lately. It's a book I stumbled upon at some book sale or yard sale or something (I don't remember which) a few years ago. It's a book I picked up in the hopes that it would help me out being that I was a college student. I haven't read a whole lot of it since I bought it but with the way things have been going lately, I thought I'd try actually reading it this time.
Reading some of the first stories regarding college admissions got me thinking about my own college admission experience. Thinking back on it, I don't feel I've ever really had the traditional experience that many of these stories present.
I really wasn't the typical high school Junior/Senior researching all these colleges and visiting campuses. I wasn't even all that eager to apply for scholarships and in fact, I hated applying for scholarships. Especially when about a majority of the ones I applied for I didn't receive. I basically got frustrated applying. It just felt like I was doing all this work for nothing. It just didn't seem worth it to me. I know I needed the scholarships but it was such a hassle trying to get me to apply for them.
As for researching colleges, I did research a few. When I was really interested in Forensic Science, I stumbled upon St. Mary's in San Antonio and I was thinking about attending there for awhile. Yet I never actually visited the campus. I knew I wanted to go out-of-state because my brother had told me it was a good idea but I didn't exactly try that hard.
By the time I was a Senior, I had already begun taking college level courses on the hill; the community branch of NMSU. I guess I figured I would just stay at the community college a few years to get my basics out of the way before moving on because that's what happened.
Most of my classmates moved on to the main campus of New Mexico State University right after graduating and started classes there in the Fall as freshmen. Not me. I stayed in town for a couple years. I still wasn't sure where I wanted to go after those two years though. I didn't really want to end up on the main campus. My older brother had already told me how much trouble he and my sister-in-law had when they transferred there from the community branch. Some of the courses ended up not transferring despite the fact that the college was a branch campus of the main university.
It would have be easier for me to stay in state considering I had the Lottery Scholarship to help pay for college. It was really the one scholarship I knew I would receive being a New Mexican student. (I guess that's another reason I didn't really try so hard at applying for scholarships).
If I had stayed, things would certainly have been better for my parents financially considering I didn't even qualify for Financial Aid. However, there really wasn't anything for me in New Mexico.
When my cousin came for a visit and talked about programs that were available and that I might be interested in at Oklahoma State, I jumped at the chance to go there. My parents and I even went to visit the campus before I made my final decision. I applied for the school and was accepted fairly easily as a transfer student.
A similar case happened when I came here to Denton. The University of North Texas was suggested to me by my adviser and it was relatively close to my current location in Oklahoma. The application deadline was quickly approaching if I wanted to begin in the Fall (which I did). The other school I looked into ;The University of Arizona, while closer to family (my older brother), already had their fall admission deadline pass (it was in March). If I applied for that school, I wouldn't be starting until Spring 2011 and what if I hadn't been accepted? I applied for UNT and was accepted into the school, again, with no real problems.
I read these stories in the book and I think about how some students apply for a bunch of different colleges and then wait for their acceptance/rejection letters. I read how many students and their parents tour various college campuses during breaks during their Junior and Senior years. I never really had that. Sure I toured OSU and UNT but only because I was pretty sure I would be attending them. I never sat around waiting for an acceptance letter from a certain college. I applied for the community college and was accepted there easily but almost everyone is anyways. I had already taken a few classes there while a Senior in high school and had done well so it really wasn't that big of a deal for me to be accepted.
The only rejection letter I got was when I had applied for a Master's program at OSU. That was it. But I quickly found another school and was accepted into it.
My grades have always been good throughout my schooling. Mostly A's and B's and very rarely C's (mostly the really really difficult classes). Even now I still get really good grades. I guess this is one of the reason I've never really had trouble being accepted. I participated in a few clubs in high school and was in officer positions for a couple of them. I'm also a fairly decent writer and was able to come up with things for the admission essays. My test scores for the ACT and SAT while they weren't the best, they weren't the worst either. They were decent enough though. I just didn't do so great on those tests. At least not as good as what others expected me to get. Considering how intelligent I am, my guidance counselor expected me to do a lot better than I did. (Perhaps a little test anxiety got to me? Who knows?)
I never really went after the very competitive schools because I guess I never thought I was good enough. I guess I was realistic. While I was certainly smart, I knew I wasn't smart enough for any of the Ivy League schools so I didn't even try. Perhaps I just felt like I should actually try applying for a school where I knew I would be accepted. So that's what I did.
So my college admission story isn't typical. I didn't exactly go through a lot of struggles or challenges to become accepted. I had big dreams but perhaps they weren't so big after all in comparison to some others.
My dreams have changed and I've faced challenges. Still, I've worked hard to make my dreams come true. In the end ,that's the most important part.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Imagine me complexly
Sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm a bit crazy. Like there's so much going on with me that I will never be "normal". I mean I feel like the more I talk about in therapy the more I found things that I've been dealing with for years that relate to my current issues. Things that perhaps have contributed to the reason I am the way I am. I feel like I have so many problems that I wonder if I've always been this way. I wonder when I became the way I am today. Have all these problems been there but they've just built up so much that now everything is coming out? It's totally possible. Truth be told I can think back to times I've been in counseling before. However it's never been like this. I've mentioned before how in 8th grade, I went to counseling a few times but it was mostly for peer mediation; issues with my own friendships. I've always had trouble making friends so it's not surprising that I still struggle with it even today. On a related note, the struggles with feeling like I belong or "fit in" with a group is also not entirely new. I've had problems like that before. Not to go into too much into that but it's happened many times over the course of my childhood. Girl Scouts was the worst I believe.
I believe I mentioned that my first real counseling was the result of a nervous breakdown that happened back in Fall 2009. That was the first time I really sought counseling out. I felt I had reached the point where I couldn't handle everything on my own anymore. It was something I came to decide I needed on my own. It certainly helped. But that was the first time I really opened up to someone about everything. It took half my sessions to get back to a place where I could handle things again and things weren't magically better again. However, I was able to better handle things to a point. It wasn't as bad as before. But then the whole chaos happened back in May 2010. At the time, I didn't really have much time to focus on everything. I was just trying to get through. Then I moved here to Denton and for awhile, things were just ok. I was just trying to get used to being in an entirely new place and starting out as a Grad student. Things were a bit rough but I seemed to be doing alright. But then the incident happened and I think that made things harder for me. The feelings and such that occurred. I just felt like I couldn't handle them on my own. It traumatized me so much that I sought counseling out again to help me deal with it. In those sessions a few other things came up but I was able to get back on my feet once more. At least for a little while.
Flash forward to last Fall 2011, I returned from a trip home for the Summer and things just suddenly things became extremely complicated. I wasn't happy here. One class in particular was just kicking me and I just couldn't understand it. Plus I was still dealing with a few leftover feelings of the incident. Things just got to be entirely too much for me to handle. I was feeling pretty depressed. I guess I felt that I had been there a year and nothing in the way of being social had happened yet. I had no local friends and didn't socialize much. All my struggles seemed to finally give way to me finally grieving what had happened at Oklahoma State. It was all just too much. Back to counseling I went. This time I got an actual counselor (instead of a supervised doctoral student) who felt I needed long-term therapy. Which is where I am now.
I know I've gotten better and that I'm not crazy. I just feel that sometimes I am. Sometimes I feel like the longer I go to therapy, the more problems I seem to find. Yet, the all seem to relate. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be able to handle things on my own again. That I'll be in counseling even when I'm no longer a student. That it'll be something I'll need to seek out and continue wherever I eventually end up. Who knows though. I know I'm not alone in this sense. I guess I just want to be able to someday feel like I'm not crazy. I realize I'm not but still.
I wonder if the reason I feel like I have so many problems is partially because of my intelligence. I've often wondered if I'm a gifted individual.I read this on Tumblr once "Science says: Intelligent people get more depressed than others because they are more conscious of how the world really works"
To me this makes complete sense and it seems to explain so much. Or at least it explains why my problems seem so complex.
I feel like I've said a lot of this before. Repeatedly in fact. But it's something that's been on my mind.
"When my mind gets to wandering, I become troubled"
This is another quote that I saw on Tumblr that sums up so much. My mind just always seems to be thinking of things.
I believe I mentioned that my first real counseling was the result of a nervous breakdown that happened back in Fall 2009. That was the first time I really sought counseling out. I felt I had reached the point where I couldn't handle everything on my own anymore. It was something I came to decide I needed on my own. It certainly helped. But that was the first time I really opened up to someone about everything. It took half my sessions to get back to a place where I could handle things again and things weren't magically better again. However, I was able to better handle things to a point. It wasn't as bad as before. But then the whole chaos happened back in May 2010. At the time, I didn't really have much time to focus on everything. I was just trying to get through. Then I moved here to Denton and for awhile, things were just ok. I was just trying to get used to being in an entirely new place and starting out as a Grad student. Things were a bit rough but I seemed to be doing alright. But then the incident happened and I think that made things harder for me. The feelings and such that occurred. I just felt like I couldn't handle them on my own. It traumatized me so much that I sought counseling out again to help me deal with it. In those sessions a few other things came up but I was able to get back on my feet once more. At least for a little while.
Flash forward to last Fall 2011, I returned from a trip home for the Summer and things just suddenly things became extremely complicated. I wasn't happy here. One class in particular was just kicking me and I just couldn't understand it. Plus I was still dealing with a few leftover feelings of the incident. Things just got to be entirely too much for me to handle. I was feeling pretty depressed. I guess I felt that I had been there a year and nothing in the way of being social had happened yet. I had no local friends and didn't socialize much. All my struggles seemed to finally give way to me finally grieving what had happened at Oklahoma State. It was all just too much. Back to counseling I went. This time I got an actual counselor (instead of a supervised doctoral student) who felt I needed long-term therapy. Which is where I am now.
I know I've gotten better and that I'm not crazy. I just feel that sometimes I am. Sometimes I feel like the longer I go to therapy, the more problems I seem to find. Yet, the all seem to relate. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be able to handle things on my own again. That I'll be in counseling even when I'm no longer a student. That it'll be something I'll need to seek out and continue wherever I eventually end up. Who knows though. I know I'm not alone in this sense. I guess I just want to be able to someday feel like I'm not crazy. I realize I'm not but still.
I wonder if the reason I feel like I have so many problems is partially because of my intelligence. I've often wondered if I'm a gifted individual.I read this on Tumblr once "Science says: Intelligent people get more depressed than others because they are more conscious of how the world really works"
To me this makes complete sense and it seems to explain so much. Or at least it explains why my problems seem so complex.
I feel like I've said a lot of this before. Repeatedly in fact. But it's something that's been on my mind.
"When my mind gets to wandering, I become troubled"
This is another quote that I saw on Tumblr that sums up so much. My mind just always seems to be thinking of things.
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