Sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm a bit crazy. Like there's so much going on with me that I will never be "normal". I mean I feel like the more I talk about in therapy the more I found things that I've been dealing with for years that relate to my current issues. Things that perhaps have contributed to the reason I am the way I am. I feel like I have so many problems that I wonder if I've always been this way. I wonder when I became the way I am today. Have all these problems been there but they've just built up so much that now everything is coming out? It's totally possible. Truth be told I can think back to times I've been in counseling before. However it's never been like this. I've mentioned before how in 8th grade, I went to counseling a few times but it was mostly for peer mediation; issues with my own friendships. I've always had trouble making friends so it's not surprising that I still struggle with it even today. On a related note, the struggles with feeling like I belong or "fit in" with a group is also not entirely new. I've had problems like that before. Not to go into too much into that but it's happened many times over the course of my childhood. Girl Scouts was the worst I believe.
I believe I mentioned that my first real counseling was the result of a nervous breakdown that happened back in Fall 2009. That was the first time I really sought counseling out. I felt I had reached the point where I couldn't handle everything on my own anymore. It was something I came to decide I needed on my own. It certainly helped. But that was the first time I really opened up to someone about everything. It took half my sessions to get back to a place where I could handle things again and things weren't magically better again. However, I was able to better handle things to a point. It wasn't as bad as before. But then the whole chaos happened back in May 2010. At the time, I didn't really have much time to focus on everything. I was just trying to get through. Then I moved here to Denton and for awhile, things were just ok. I was just trying to get used to being in an entirely new place and starting out as a Grad student. Things were a bit rough but I seemed to be doing alright. But then the incident happened and I think that made things harder for me. The feelings and such that occurred. I just felt like I couldn't handle them on my own. It traumatized me so much that I sought counseling out again to help me deal with it. In those sessions a few other things came up but I was able to get back on my feet once more. At least for a little while.
Flash forward to last Fall 2011, I returned from a trip home for the Summer and things just suddenly things became extremely complicated. I wasn't happy here. One class in particular was just kicking me and I just couldn't understand it. Plus I was still dealing with a few leftover feelings of the incident. Things just got to be entirely too much for me to handle. I was feeling pretty depressed. I guess I felt that I had been there a year and nothing in the way of being social had happened yet. I had no local friends and didn't socialize much. All my struggles seemed to finally give way to me finally grieving what had happened at Oklahoma State. It was all just too much. Back to counseling I went. This time I got an actual counselor (instead of a supervised doctoral student) who felt I needed long-term therapy. Which is where I am now.
I know I've gotten better and that I'm not crazy. I just feel that sometimes I am. Sometimes I feel like the longer I go to therapy, the more problems I seem to find. Yet, the all seem to relate. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be able to handle things on my own again. That I'll be in counseling even when I'm no longer a student. That it'll be something I'll need to seek out and continue wherever I eventually end up. Who knows though. I know I'm not alone in this sense. I guess I just want to be able to someday feel like I'm not crazy. I realize I'm not but still.
I wonder if the reason I feel like I have so many problems is partially because of my intelligence. I've often wondered if I'm a gifted individual.I read this on Tumblr once "Science says: Intelligent people get more depressed than others because they are more conscious of how the world really works"
To me this makes complete sense and it seems to explain so much. Or at least it explains why my problems seem so complex.
I feel like I've said a lot of this before. Repeatedly in fact. But it's something that's been on my mind.
"When my mind gets to wandering, I become troubled"
This is another quote that I saw on Tumblr
that sums up so much. My mind just always seems to be thinking of things.
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