It could be worse

I know I've talked about this a bit on here before but I'm going to talk about it some more.

Lately, I've just been in very depressive state. It seems to be caused by the stress from my new job.
I just hate it so much. It seems to have made my mental health problems take a turn for the worse. It seems I've just gone downhill since I began working. I just don't feel happy anymore. I don't even feel like smiling.

Even when I do have rare moments of happiness, it doesn't seem genuine. I feel like I'm close to tears far too often again. I dread going to work so much that sometimes I feel like breaking down in tears.

I'm getting off subject though. What I really wanted to talk about was how despite having severe clinical depression, things could still be worse.

I'm talking about how despite having a majority of the symptoms that diagnose me as having clinical depression, there are some that I just don't have and have never really had.

I guess I just wonder why things aren't worse than they are for me.

For instance, a lot of people battle with suicidal thoughts when they are severely depressed. However, I didn't and really I still don't. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why either. Especially since I've gotten to low points where I felt like "Why bother?".  I've been to the point where I just felt everything was pointless.  There's been times where I've wanted to just disappear.

Yet despite all that, I've never really had suicidal thoughts. I've never thought of ending my life. I've certainly gotten to points where I was feeling so low yet, I could probably have but never did. It just is something that has never crossed my mind.

Another thing is that I never seemed to pick up on the idea of self-harm. Like with the suicidal thoughts, it was just something that I never considered. The idea of hurting myself on purpose with a sharp object just doesn't appeal to me and never has.

Now I'm not sure if this is do to inner strength that even I didn't know about or what. I guess I'm a fighter and stronger than I realized.

Although, recently I've been having thoughts of intentionally hurting myself just so I don't have to go in to work but I wouldn't do it. I've also had thoughts of just wishing I could reset my life but never doing something on purpose.

Sometimes I do get nervous around sharp objects when I'm in one of my moods. I guess it's just because I worry that I would hurt myself accidentally on purpose. I worry that I wouldn't be strong enough to resist despite never self-harming in the first place.

I don't know. I know I have depression and that it's pretty severe. But I guess really, things could be much worse than they already are. I'm strong and keep fighting even when I feel like giving up. Somehow, I just keep fighting. I find hope.

Yes, things are really bad at times and sure, I wish I didn't have to deal with them. Sometimes I even wonder if it would help me to check into a facility to help me out even more.

Somehow, I'm still here and still have hope. I keep fighting.