Flashback

I was browsing Facebook like one does when I saw a group suggestion for Alamogordo High School 2006; my graduating class. So I decided to check it out and ended up sending a join request.

I feel crazy for even sending the request since I'm sure not I want to be in contact with all these people. Not because all these people were mean to me or anything, just that I feel weird. 

On the plus side, I did discover that I'm not the only classmate who is still single and without kids. Although, many of the others that are single are guys. Still though, it makes me feel better knowing this. 

So then for some reason, I started thinking back to my memories from high school and middle school. I just started feeling very nostalgic. This lead to me thinking about the song "Never Give Up on the Good Times" by the Spice Girls.  

I'm not sure why either. Just a random thing I guess. 

Anyways, that's not what I even wanted to talk about. 

Seeing pictures of my classmates in this group got me thinking back to my memories of middle school and high school. It just brought back memories. 

I'll be honest though, I feel like I have a lot of memories that weren't exactly pleasant and those are the memories that tend to come up first when I look back.  When I think back, I feel like I have more unpleasant memories than pleasant ones. 

Middle school and high school weren't exactly difficult for me but they also weren't especially great either. Middle school was especially hard for me. Still though, I made it through relatively unscathed. 

I don't know. I guess I just worry what my other classmates remember about me and that's why I'm anxious about joining this group. I wasn't popular or anything. I was just me. I was nerdy and was just mostly nice person. I helped a lot of people in class with assignments because that's just who I was. 

Yet, I don't feel like I'm someone people would remember exactly. I wasn't someone who stood out.  In fact, many people made fun of me including people I thought were my friends. 

Even the classmates I am Facebook friends with I still feel awkward with. I don't even know what I'd say to them if I saw them in real life.  I really don't talk to anyone anymore. 

I just feel so distanced from everyone I grew up with. I feel like I've changed but at the same time not. I don't look very much different from when I was in high school.  

I guess in a way, I also feel inferior to my classmates even though I've accomplished more than many of them. I have a Master's degree and attended college out-of-state. I went straight to college after graduating from high school. I never took a break.

I'm also still single and without kids. I'm also without a job of any sort. So yeah, while I've accomplished what I've wanted, part of me does tend to compare myself to my classmates and not feel as great. 

I know I shouldn't compare myself and I should be proud of my accomplishments and I am. However, sometimes I just feel like I did nothing in my life if that makes any sense.

I've often said that when it comes time for my 10 year high school reunion, I'm not even sure I'd go to it. It all depends really. Especially since I don't feel that close to anyone really anymore. I don't even know who I'd talk to or hang out with if I did decide to go. Plus, with my social anxiety, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it. I'd likely end up feeling so awkward and so out of place that I'd just end up not going.  Plus how many people would really remember me?

As it was, my Senior year of high school, I wasn't really at the high school all that much.  I was already taking college courses at the community college.  I missed out some things because I wasn't at  the high school for them. For instance, I missed out on the big Senior class photos. It did bother me a little bit but I got over it pretty quickly.

 The 2nd semester of my Senior year, I was hardly at the high school. I had 3 college classes plus I had requested 4th hour off. I was an aide for the guidance office and had maybe one actual high school class. I did make sure to participate in as many activities as I could though since it was my last year of high school but  basically, I was ready to move on to bigger and better things.

I'm not sure how I'll even feel if I get accepted to this Facebook group. I really don't know if I really want to be accepted.  Does anyone even care about me or remember me? Why would they really?   

Brain Dump

A bunch of thoughts on my mind tonight and a lot of feelings about them which really isn't uncommon for me. Especially since being diagnosed with mental health problems. But I figured a brain dump post was in order to get them off my mind. So here you are. 

First off, I once again experienced some heightened anxiety tonight while at Saturday evening service.  My mom and I were asked to take the offertory gifts up to the alter tonight. I felt anxiety after we were asked but I was quickly able to calm myself.  Then another family sat next to us. I've never really been a big fan of people sitting next to me; strangers I mean. It definitely heightens my anxiety whenever this happens.  So I was even more anxious but once again, it passed. Everything seemed fine for the most part. The thing is though is that once again, I just felt a bit out of it. This has been happening a bit more often lately and I'm not entirely sure why.  But everything seemed to be ok in general. Even taking up the offertory gifts was not too bad. At least not until after we were heading back to our seats.  That's when my anxiety just shot up. I felt like I could just break down in a panic attack. But I didn't. Inside I felt extremely anxious but I just tried to relax and breathe deeply. Just try and calm myself down as much as possible and it seemed to work. I still felt pretty anxious for a bit though. 

The whole thing about it is that I don't get why I was so anxious. I used to do things like this without a second thought. Yet now, it seems like I get anxious with all sorts of things and I don't always understand.  It usually comes as a shock to me whenever I get anxious for no apparent reason.  But it's just something I'm learning to deal with. 

Speaking of religion, I'm still having conflicted thoughts on my relationship with my religion. I mean I still believe in God and what my religion says for the most part. But lately, I've just felt more and more distanced. I don't feel like my faith is nearly as strong anymore. I've felt this way for a while now; pretty much since I've been struggling with mental health issues.   To be honest, I have times where I really just don't feel like going to church services that week.  When I was living away from home, it was my decision if I went or not. But now that I'm living back home with my parents, I feel like I don't really have a choice but to attend.  I just feel like I'm not as interested in my faith so much anymore. 

I've said before how I've never really been an overly religious person and I'm still not. But lately, I feel even less so. If I could, I probably wouldn't attend services as often.  Right now though, I don't have that choice. At least I don't feel like I do.  Like I said, the whole thing is just complicated. 

Another thing that's been on my mind is this upcoming family reunion on my mom's side of the family. I'm not too thrilled about it. I'm happy to be getting away from my hometown for a bit but I'm not exactly thrilled to see relatives. The thing is that I'm the youngest of the first cousins and have always been. I was the last of the grandchildren. This reunion is with the cousin's and aunts and uncles from my grandfather's side of the family. My mom's side of the family is pretty large and this is the first family reunion in about 15 years. I was a lot younger at the last one.  

The thing is that I'm not exactly thrilled to be going and seeing all these relatives. First of all, being the youngest of the first cousins mean's that I'm pretty much on my own. There's 11 years difference between me and the next youngest cousins. There might be some other cousins but chances are that they'll either be way older than me or way younger than me. So regardless, I'm alone.  

Then there's the fact that because I'm the youngest, I'm also the only one not married and with a family. Not that that's a big deal. Just stating another fact. 

But the biggest thing is that I'm also the furthest away and have always been. My other cousins and relatives have all lived fairly close to one another. Because of this, they always spent a lot of time together. I've always felt like an outsider and I still feel that way a lot.  I hate feeling this way but it feels like that's just who I'm destined to be. I've almost always felt like an outsider. Too young to really interact with my older cousins and too old to really interact with some of my second and third cousins. Just an outsider. 

Then there's some family issues with my mom's siblings that I'm not exactly looking forward to. I'm going to have to be civil and most likely talk to them but I'm not exactly comfortable about the idea.   Basically, I'm not looking forward to the reunion much. I'm not sure what I'm even going to be doing. Most likely I'm just going to be attempting to make conversation and spending most of my time reading a book or working on my novel.  Alone as usual. *sigh*  It's just hard to be excited about spending time with relatives that I don't exactly know that well. 

I had a couple random memories pop into my head tonight involving some old "friends" of mine back when I was younger. One memory I have is that one of my "friends" would secretly steal something of mine as a joke and then laugh whenever I freaked out over it.  This happened a couple times when I was in middle school. I never found it funny. It was usually something small but whenever I'd notice it was gone and then ask my friends about it, they'd deny it and then laugh. I didn't find it funny at all. It was a mean prank to me and whenever I told my "friends" how mean it was, they'd get defensive and say I ruined their joke by taking it so seriously. I had a sense of humor but this wasn't something I found very funny. 

Another random memory that popped up in my mine involved sleepovers with some of my "friends".  More than once, I fell victim to being the one that would fall asleep first and then the other girls would play tricks on me. I hated it every time. What's even worse is that more than once my "friends" would convince me that they weren't going to do anything and I believed them. But they still would do things to me.  I tried so hard and so many times to stay awake but I just couldn't do it.  I remember once getting so angry with the others because I had to get up and volunteer at the library the next morning and they weren't letting me get sleep. 

Once again, they thought what they were doing was funny and I didn't. I'll admit that had I not been the victim at these sleepovers, I probably would have been a participated in playing tricks on another girl. But it never ended up that way.  It's not as fun when you're the one being tricked.

I guess in their eyes, I wasn't very "fun". I was different and I know they thought I was weird. Yet, they still invited me to do things with them. Granted, I was usually the last resort but still.  I guess I've just never been much of a person who likes being tricked even if it's just for fun.  

Thinking of this just now, made me remember how one of my teacher's played an April Fool's Day trick on us by giving us a hard test and saying it was a big part of our grade. I fell for it and got so upset that I was in tears because I couldn't do it. I felt even worse when told it was just a trick. 

I'll admit that I'm a bit of a gullible person and I do take things a little too seriously at times. But that's just how I am. I'm not as bad as I was when I was a child but still sometimes I don't always know when people are teasing or joking with me and take it seriously.

Speaking of my "friends" and tricks, I remember another time when they had me sit in a chair and covered my head with a blanket. It was all part of a "mind" game/trick.  They had me imagine I was in a hot desert and I needed to cool down. What item would I take off first? I said the blanket but that wasn't the answer they were looking for. So I remember taking off each item of clothing one by one thinking it was the answer until finally I had nothing left and my friends finally took off the blanket. They told me that the blanket was a hat and I was supposed to say hat. I of course didn't know that so here I was without any clothes on and feeling extremely exposed and awkward. Also angry with them. 

Now that I think about it, my "friends" were never really nice to me and it seemed as though they loved to play tricks on me because they knew how upset I'd get. It's like they did it on purpose. I mean, I did eventually realize that these girls were never really my "friends" but when I was younger, I didn't really know better. It's really no wonder why I have trouble making friends even now. After everything I went through growing up. I was basically a "joke" to those girls. I was the one they chose to pick on and leave outside of things.  

I still feel like an outsider a lot and I still struggle to feel like part of a group. I guess it now makes sense why. 

So those are all the thoughts that have been on my mind. At least the thoughts I've had today.  

That's the problem with having depression and anxiety and not having a whole lot to distract me. I tend to think too much which isn't good. My therapist pointed this out to me. I need to keep busy and distracted in order to keep my mind from thinking too much. I don't really have that right now. I'm working on it but it's a difficult process. 

So many thoughts....

The future scares me

I know it's ridiculous to think about this now but honestly the future scares me. Sometimes I just start thinking about things and start thinking about my future and what it will be like.

I think about things like marriage and children and honestly the thought makes me freak out a bit.

As far as I can remember, I've wanted to get married and have children.  I mean that's one of the things a lot of girls want when they grow up.

Yet, now I'm not so sure anymore. I've never been in a relationship before.  Not once. The thought of even dating freaks me out somewhat. I know what type of guy I'm interested in but still, I'm nervous about even the thought of someone finding me attractive.

Then there is the idea of meeting "the one" and getting engaged and then married.  It does make me anxious.

Then when it comes to having children. The whole thing freaks me out far too much thinking about it. I don't know if I could handle it.  I look at some of my old high school friends/classmates who have children and wonder if I could ever be like them.

Then there's the bad side. What if things didn't go well with a pregnancy of mine? Would I be able to handle the pain of grief? I think about a friend of mine who went through this and I worry about me.

I can't even seem to handle things in life as it is. What if something like this were to happen and sent me to my breaking point again? I don't know if I could handle something like this.

Then there's the thought of my nephew. He's already 15 and he's the only child my brother and sister-in-law are going to have. That's it.  If and when I finally do have children, he will be so much older than his cousins. I think about that and I don't know if I'd want that for him.

I've talked about my thoughts on these things here before.

Sometimes I wonder what if? What if I don't end up finding "the one" and getting married? What if I decided not to have children? Would it be so bad?  It's certainly a possibility.

I don't know. I guess really, I don't feel like I can handle being an adult to be honest.   I can barely seem to handle my own life right now as it is.

Things can happen and I might feel differently about them when they do. But for now, it freaks me out too much.

Therapists

Can we just talk about how lucky I've been to have some wonderful therapists?

I have been lucky that most of my therapists have been pretty good. There was only one that didn't quite work out but I was able to find someone else.

All of my therapists have been nice and kind and I've felt comfortable with them. Even when my therapists were just counselor's at the Counseling Center, they were nice and I felt like they had my best interests at heart. The 2 therapists I had at the Psychology Clinic were pretty good too despite being in training doctoral candidates.

But by far, the best therapist I've ever had has been my current therapist. She is just great. She was the first one to diagnose me with depression and anxiety. She was basically the first one besides myself to figure out that I needed something more to help with my problems.

I'm not saying the other therapists were incompetent or horrible because they weren't.  They just probably didn't see the signs early enough. Because when I first started, things really weren't as bad as they got later.

Depression is hard to diagnose so it's not really surprising that it took so long to figure out that's what I had.
I just know that when I first went to see my therapist, she was quickly able to figure out that's what I had.
By then, I already figured that I needed more help than just counseling.

My therapist is just so wonderful. I am really grateful to have found her. She's the only person I feel understands me and can understand all my struggles. She helps me figure things out and just helps me feel better in general  about things.  She's also the person who can help me get my emotions all sorted out.

I just feel so fortunate to have found her especially in a small town like this.  I'm already concerned though about when I have to move away somewhere else.  It's not that I'm worried about starting over with someone else, because I've done that before. I'm more concerned that I won't find someone as great as her.

I know I'm just rambling now but I just really feel strongly about my therapist and am so thankful for what she has done. This  is why I wrote this post; to show my appreciation for all she's done.

So Thank You.

Let's talk about mental illness

So this past week, Monday, there was yet another tragic shooting in the United States. This is only the latest in what is turning out to be a series of unfortunate events. In order to avoid triggering events, I'm not going to get into detail about any of the events nor do I find it necessary to do so. If someone really wants to know more, feel free to search the web.

But one thing that all these events have in common is the people that caused them. No one really knows or understands why these people did what they did, but one thing seems to be a common factor among each of these individuals: they all are sufferers of some form of mental illness. At least that is what many in the media are saying about the individuals. 

All the individuals involved in these events have suffered from some sort of mental episode at some point or another. As tragic as these events have been, there is a bit of a positive side to them. Because these individuals have been said to have been suffering from some form of mental illness, it has opened communication about mental health. 

People are now talking about mental health more and what can be done to help individuals such as these. For the longest time, no one talked about mental health. It was kept quiet.  Now it's being brought out into the open. People are bringing more attention to mental health. They are talking about it more and advocating for it.

It's tragic that such events had to take place in order for mental health to be talked about but if changes happen that help avoid such events in the future, then that's the positive thing.  

Although I do have to admit, whenever the media talks about mental health in relation to these events, they seem to give it a negative connotation. They seem to speak negatively about mental illness. In a way, events such as these, give a negative view to mental health. These events don't explain all mental illnesses though. But because of these events, people feel that this is what people suffering from mental illness are all like. 

Events such as the one that took place on Monday paint a negative picture surrounding mental illness. People get the wrong idea about mental illness. They see these individuals and start to believe that anyone who suffers from a mental illness is like them. 

Those of us who suffer from mental illnesses know that this is far from the truth.  While yes, there are some people with mental health issues who go to the extremes but that's not all of us.

Just because you suffer from a mental illness does not mean you are someone who wants to go on a killing spree or hurt people.   Not everyone who has clinical depression wants to end their own life.

Just because you suffer from a mental illness, doesn't mean it's the same for everyone who suffers from the same illness. Not everyone experiences a mental illness in the same way or even has the same symptoms.

As you know, I have clinical depression. I also have anxiety. I was officially diagnosed back in March. However, if you were to see me, you wouldn't know it right away.  I don't look any different from any other individual. I look fine.

And that's also where the whole thing of having an invisible illness comes in. Just because you don't look like you're sick, people don't believe you are sick.  But that's doesn't make it any less real. Those of us who are suffering, often suffer in silence because of this. Those of us who need help, feel helpless because people don't understand.

The only people who really understand, are the ones who have suffered themselves. That's when you truly understand what it's like to be depressed or anxious.  For those of us that suffer, every day is a struggle.

We fight each and every day to go about our lives like a normal, functional human being. We fight to keep going on our bad days.  We are fighters.

Believe me, it's hard. Having to put on a mask of sorts and pretend that you aren't miserable inside. Having to fight against your symptoms. Having emotions that you can't always explain to others.

I don't always know why I feel sad or why certain things cause me anxiety when they shouldn't.  But the fact that I get up and try to go about my life like normal, is a battle I face everyday. Somehow I keep going even though it seems hopeless at times.

A couple months after I was diagnosed, I went and saw the movie Iron Man 3. I was so excited to see this new Marvel movie after seeing the first 2. What I didn't expect, was to see Tony Stark being so human and relating to it.

Iron Man 3 takes place after the events in The Avengers. What happened in that movie, had a great impact on Tony Stark because he begins having panic attacks. When this first happened in the movie, it surprised me. Because I could relate to Tony. I knew the feeling.

I almost broke down crying because it just hit so close to home for me. To see a "hero" be so human. I was still relatively new to my diagnoses. I was still coming to terms with what having clinical depression and anxiety meant for me. Seeing this made me feel better. It made me feel like I wasn't so alone. It made me feel like I too could be Iron Man.

For me, Iron Man 3 was so much more than probably what a lot of moviegoers saw.  For me, in some ways, I saw myself.  I saw a movie that brought a mental illness to light and give it a powerful meaning.

I saw a movie that brought what anxiety is like in a very real way.  It brought to life what a mental disorder is really like. For that, I'm glad.  This gives me something to use in conversations with people when explaining my mental illnesses.

That's the thing about mental health. We need to talk about it more. Break the stigma surrounding it. If we talked about it more, then more people wouldn't be so afraid to ask for help. If we talked more about it, we could prevent horrible shooting tragedies from happening.

We take care of our physical health so why shouldn't we take care of our mental health?

I was strong enough to reach out and get help. Not everyone is like that though. So if you or someone you know is having a difficult time, please encourage them to get help. Don't let them suffer any longer than they need to.

You don't have to be alone in suffering.  If you want to talk, I'm here for you. I'll listen.

Why do these tears come at night?

"If there is nothing missing in my life, then why do these tears come at night?"- Britney Spears, Lucky

I know you are probably tired of me talking about my mental health problems; my anxiety and depression. I can't help it though. This is my daily life now. For how long? Even I don't know the answer to that.

Since being diagnosed, I deal with this on a daily basis. I struggle with mental illness and it's just how it is.

I may not be dealing with this forever but I don't know that.  I just have to take it one day at a time.

Anyways, that's not what I wanted to talk about.

The song lyric at the beginning describes my feelings recently. If nothing is wrong, then why do I still experience sadness? Why do the tears still come? Why do things still feel like they could be better than they are?

I got back from my therapy session earlier this afternoon. One of the things mentioned last week that we talked about today was about increasing my antidepressant dosage.

My therapist thinks I still need a bit of an increase and she convinced me that I need one too. I mean, I'm not against it but at the same time I guess I am.

I'm still struggling more than I probably should be. As my therapist told me, I still seem to be a bit teary and she's right. In addition to me feeling teary and unexplained bouts of sadness, my anxiety has been all out of sorts lately.  I guess I really do need another increase.

My therapist and I also talked about how long I've been suffering from depression and it's probably longer than even I thought. I know I've been suffering for at least a year.  Perhaps even longer.

I've been in and out of counseling for over a year. When I first began, I don't think I was really suffering from depression. I certainly have anxiety issues and have known that for some time. However, it wasn't as bad as it has gotten.

Counseling helped but not as much. Things still weren't that great. As it was, a friend of mine pointed out that I might need something more than just counseling. She was the first to suggest this and she turned out to be right. At the time I didn't really think much about it. Soon after being diagnosed and starting my antidepressant, I remembered what my friend had said.

Things certainly have improved. Yet, like I said, I still have moments of unexplained sadness and moments of heightened anxiety. Prior to being officially diagnosed, I couldn't seem to make it through a therapy session without breaking down in tears all the time. I didn't really understand what was going on with me.

I still get a bit teary during my sessions now but things aren't as bad as they were. I'm no longer breaking down completely in tears like I was.  Things were a lot worse than they are now.

I couldn't understand what was wrong with me. Why I couldn't seem to keep myself from breaking down during my therapy sessions. Now I know.

As for my dosage having to be as high as it is, my therapist told me that I was probably at a really low place for a long time and because of that, it's going to take me a longer time to adjust and find the right dosage for me. It's going to take a longer time for me to finally begin recovering.

Also because my life isn't as settled as my brother's is right now, I'm under more stress and therefore, my depression is worse. I'm taking a higher dosage than he is.

Another thing my therapist said is that people who are under chronic stress are more likely to develop depression. That seems like what happened to me. I get stressed fairly easily and I don't handle it well. I'm a bit of a perfectionist,I'll admit.

I'm working on it but I know it's because of this that I stress out so much. So perhaps I did somehow develop depression partly because of that. Then again, I think I'm just someone who was more susceptible for various reasons.

I try so hard to hide my sadness especially from my parents. I just don't want them to worry about me more than necessary. I know they just want to help and want me to be happy. But this is my battle; my struggle.
They mentioned too that I still seem a bit teary to my therapist when they talked to her. So perhaps, I'm not hiding it as well as I thought.

I'm just tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of feeling teary and feeling like breaking down in tears for no apparent reason. I'm tired of my anxiety being high and not having a specific cause.

It's a trial and error process to find the right dosage and even to be diagnosed. Depression isn't that simple.

 "How do you know when you have it?"

The thing is, you don't really know and it's not that simple to diagnose either because each person can experience it differently. It's a complex mental illness.

I just hope I can get things sorted out soon.

Where is my happiness?

I'm just so tired. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm just so done with it all.

Look, I understand that being diagnosed with a mental illness is no easy thing. I know that it takes time to understand it and to come up with a plan for recovery.

Yet, I'm still trying to figure out what it all means. I still feel like things could be better.

I was diagnosed back in March as having depression although, I've been suffering for at least a year. I also have anxiety which is not uncommon. A lot of people who have depression also have anxiety. 

I'm glad to finally have an answer to explain why I'm feeling this way but still it's not easy to explain to people. It's not easy to explain to people you have an illness that is invisible. They don't understand why some things are difficult for you to do.  

My parents don't quite understand although after meeting with my therapist last week, I feel they understand a little bit more than they did before. 

I don't know. I guess I just feel I should be at a much better place by now and I am. However, I also feel things could be even better than they are. It frustrates me sometimes that I'm still struggling. 

I'm impatient I'll admit. I want things to get better faster for my sake and so that I can get back to a sense of normalcy again. Yet, I also understand that because I've suffered for quite some time, things just won't be that easy. That for me, my recovery is going to take quite a while. 

I understand that I'm still going to have my ups and downs; there will still be bad days.  Yet, I'm tired. 

Here I am again tonight feeling sadness and heightened anxiety. I feel like breaking down in tears. There's no reason to explain any of this. 

I know I'm entitled to still feel this way but it's frustrating. I get upset with myself and my brain. I just want to feel happy again. Truly happy. Sometimes I feel I'll never feel that again. 

I feel happiness but then nights like tonight happen and I don't really know anymore. I get days where my anxiety levels are high and I get anxious in situations that I hadn't gotten anxious in before. 

My therapist and I are supposed to discuss my antidepressant dosage at our session tomorrow.  That's one thing that she mentioned at the end of last week after she finished talking to my parents.  

I understand that it also takes time to find the right dosage but it's also frustrating that I haven't found it yet. I think I do but then I have several nights where I feel my anxiety and depression more. That's when it makes me question if my dosage is correct.  

I've already had to up my dosage a couple times. I started off taking only 50mg and things starting improving a bit. After a couple of weeks I moved to 75mg. It seemed that 75mg was going to be fine especially as that was the dosage my brother is also taking. But then my therapist felt that things could still be better. A few more weeks later, I was upped to 100mg and that's where I've been since. 

I'm certainly in a better place than I was prior to beginning my antidepressant. I felt that 100mg was working just fine and I still feel like it is. However, now I'm not sure.

I've been feeling extremely anxious for the past few nights as well as feeling like breaking down in tears. I don't understand what's really going on. In a way, I'm feeling like I've gone backwards in terms of my recovery. In addition to my symptoms being worse than usual, I've noticed I've lost a bit of interest in things. 

Of course there has been a few things going on lately that have added stress to me which I'm sure hasn't helped. It's just been hard to feel like I'm truly getting better when I'm still under a lot of stress and pressure from family. Then again, I also feel like if it wasn't for this stress, I wouldn't know just how bad my mental health issues truly were. 

The thing is that part of me is a bit resistant to upping my dosage again. I feel like maybe I need a little more time to see. But then again, I've already been on this dosage for over a month now and things should be better than they are.  

I just feel that my dosage is already high. I guess I didn't realize just how much I was struggling. My mom commented that my dosage seems high when she asked me. I don't know. I guess it is a bit high and it certainly makes me feel a bit awkward that my dosage is higher than my older brother.

I mean, I know my brother is bad but I didn't think I was worse than he was. I guess I was wrong. Then again, depression is different for each person that has it. My struggles are certainly different than his. 

I guess it just takes some time to figure everything out. But I'm impatient. I'm tired. I just want to feel like a normal person again. Or as normal as I can be. I know that I'll probably never be "normal" in a sense but at least get to a point where I'm not feeling like I am tonight. 

I just wish my mind could sort itself out.