Librarian Rant

Librarian

It sounds like such a simple name for someone like me. I can say that I'm a librarian because I have the degree to prove it. I have a Master's degree in Library Science (MLS). 

Just because I'm not currently employed doesn't mean I'm not still a librarian. I'm one regardless. 

However, I'm finding out that a Librarian isn't as simple sounding as I thought. At least when it comes to the general public. 

First off, not many people realize that to be an actual librarian, you have to go college and get a Master's degree. To be a true librarian, you have to have the degree. However, just because someone may not have a degree specifically for a librarian, doesn't mean they aren't librarians. 

After all, the children's librarian at my hometown public library doesn't have an MLS. She was previously a teacher at one of the local middle schools. It just depends on the library and the requirements. Most times though, an MLS degree is required. 

Also, just because someone works in a library doesn't automatically make them a librarian. I don't know how many times I got people thinking I was a librarian when I was really just a library page. Like any other job, a library has many different staff members and not everyone is a librarian. 

This assumption irritated me then and still does now. I realize that to the general public it doesn't really matter. To someone like me though, it does. 

This assumption also makes itself known in other ways too and it's extremely annoying. 

The name "Librarian" brings to mind a variety of assumptions and stereotypes. People think about librarians as being strict ladies with tight buns and glasses that go around shushing people all the time. This is far from the truth though. 

People also seem to have this idea in mind that having a degree in Library Science means you can work in any type of library. This is also not entirely true. 

Like many other fields of study, there are specific concentrations one can take or you can take just a general program. It all depends on the university and what their Library Science program is like. 

For me, my concentration is in Youth Librarianship. This program focused on training me for  "professional positions in different settings including metropolitan, suburban, and rural public libraries, community colleges and academic libraries where they can provide library services to people who teach and work with youth and youth-related information services"  

My desired placement is within a public library. That's where I'd ultimately like to be.

However, when I tell people about wanting to be a "Children's Librarian" and wanting to work with children, they automatically think of a "school librarian". When I try to explain that I can't be a school librarian, they don't understand. 

No, I don't want to be a school librarian and in most cases, I can't even if I wanted to (which I don't). Most places (although not all), require a special certification as a school librarian. For my particular university, in order to even get into the School Library Media Certification program, you had to teach in a school for at least 2 years before applying for the program. 

Yes, I do have my Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education. Yes, for a while, I considered being a school librarian. But that all changed. I realized I didn't want to be a school librarian and instead wanted to be more of a children's librarian in a public library. 

I still don't want to be a school librarian. At least not right now. One reason is that when I took a school library course as an elective in my degree program, it wasn't what I expected. I felt so lost in that course and just felt so out of place with everyone else. Not only that, but the professor just wasn't that great. She made me feel like I was stupid.  It just wasn't a good experience for me. 

I realize that I shouldn't let that one class get to me and make me pass up potential job opportunities. However, it does. I just want to stay away from school libraries for the time being.  Maybe later on down the road, I'll consider it but for now, I want to stay away. 

But other people don't understand this and keep pushing me to apply for school library jobs. That's all I hear. now. "Oh this place is opening a new school. You should apply to be a librarian". "Have you tried applying for this school? They have a library position available".

I'M SO TIRED OF IT!! Just because I'm a librarian and specifically a youth services librarian, doesn't automatically qualify me to be a school librarian. People don't understand the difference though. They don't understand that I just can't apply for school library positions. 

I don't qualify for most of them because many require that certification as a School Library Media which I don't have.  It's frustrating to try and explain this over and over to people.  Especially people who keep pressuring me to apply for the schools.  They don't understand and I'm frankly tired of explaining. 

I don't want to work in a school library if I had the choice to work in a public library. Similarly, I'd much rather work in a public library over an academic library if I had the choice. A public library is where I feel the most comfortable. It's where I feel like I can provide the best services. That's my focus when it comes to jobs. 

I realize it might be limiting me but that's what I want. At this point, I'm not even specifically focusing on youth services jobs in a public library. I'm just trying to get into a public library. I have even tried a couple school libraries and academic libraries without much luck. 

But I'm just tired of people pressuring me to keep applying for school libraries when it's not what I ultimately want.  

Just because I'm a librarian doesn't mean I'm qualified to work in all libraries or in all areas of a library. There's much more to being a librarian and it's much more complex than people realize. 

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and other things

I really couldn't come up with a good title for this blog post. As it is, I've been feeling less than motivated to do much of anything lately including writing.

I signed up for NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) this year and have only written 248 words out of the goal of 50,000. I was on vacation when it began so that put me behind by about 6 days.  But then, when I returned I just couldn't get myself motivated and still can't. Now I'm extremely behind and the thought of how many words behind I am just makes me panic and less willing to do it.  Basically I've hit a mental block and just have given up at this point. I'm still going to work on my novel but only when the desire to write returns which may not happen this month.

Anyways, I've just been struggling with the desire to write lately. Struggling with a lot of things actually.  Ever since returning from our trip to Texas, I've just felt different. I'm not sure why exactly either.I'm sure part of the reason I've been feeling the way I do is because of the lack of sleep and then the time changes from the trip. However, I'm sure there are also other reasons.  It feels like it's taking me longer to recover from this trip than is normal.

Since returning, I've just felt really tired; like I don't have much energy.  I find myself just feeling like I don't get enough rest. There have been a few mornings where I just wake up feeling so tired and not wanting to get out of bed. Like I've already mentioned, I've also felt an extreme lack of motivation. I don't feel like writing or even catching up on Tumblr (although I finally did that last weekend).  I don't even have motivation to apply for jobs (not that that's very much different).  My emotions have also just felt out of control. As it was, on Monday November 4, during our trip, I woke up with my mind just racing with thoughts and I was just in tears. Throughout the day, I just felt more anxious and felt close to tears.  Since returning, I've still felt sadness and heightened anxiety and I don't understand why. I feel almost like I did before I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

Which got me thinking about the possibility of having Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD).  I can honestly say that since the weather started getting colder, I've felt as though my depression and anxiety has worsened a bit.  When I looked more into SAD , all the things I've been feeling lately certainly make sense and I'm wondering if I have it.  Of course, I don't know for sure.

I would have asked my therapist about it last week but I was unable to do. I had to end up cancelling my session due to unforeseen circumstances even though I really could have used it. I have a session this week though and hopefully she'll be able to help me figure out what's going on.

This isn't the first time the possibility of having SAD has come to my mind. I've thought about having it before back when I was in high school; during my 12th grade year especially.  That was when I was juggling working part-time at the library, taking college classes, and regular high school classes.  I remember just feeling more drained of energy and more tired when the weather started getting colder. My friends at the time, also seemed to notice as well as some other people.   I'm not sure where I thought about the term SAD but I remember hearing about it and thinking about the possibility of having it. I also remember just not feeling as happy. I didn't think too much about it at the time. I figured that maybe I was just tired from juggling everything.  

However, thinking about it now, I can see a bit of a pattern.  Even during college, I would just feel a lack of energy when the weather got colder.  My nervous breakdown happened during Fall 2009; around the time the weather started getting colder.  Last year, I started having more breakdowns and feeling just more sadness as the weather got colder. I just really fell into a depressive state and just felt worse and worse as time went on. I knew something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was exactly.

Just looking at this though, I can see a bit of a pattern that could possibly be SAD. Because I do remember feeling a bit better when the weather started getting warmer. I wouldn't feel as tired or a lack of energy. I remember just also feeling a bit happier in general. I didn't feel as though a grey cloud was hanging over me as much. Things just in general, seemed a bit better for me. Again, this makes me wonder if I have SAD in addition to Major Depressive Disorder. It really wouldn't surprise me if I did though.

It seems that ever since being officially diagnosed, I've noticed how a lot of mental health disorders tend to overlap and I'm feeling as though my problems are a lot more complicated than I originally thought. I'm finding that I possibly have other disorders that are linked with my anxiety and depression. I think I have a bit of PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and perhaps I also have SAD. Like I said, hopefully my therapist will help me figure out what's going on during our session this week.

Speaking of high school, I was finally approved into the Facebook group for my High School Graduation class.  I don't know why but one night, I was looking at some of my old classmates' profiles. It was a bad idea. I felt so horrible afterwards. I looked at a lot of my classmates' pictures and almost didn't recognize some of them. Many of them look so different now. Many of them are married and/or have kids. It  made me feel awkward and a bit inferior compared to them. I look at myself and I look at them. Many of them look different than they did in high school . I look at myself and I feel like I haven't changed much at all.

I still look pretty much the same as I did in high school. I don't even really dress all that differently than I did back then. I mean, it's my style and everything but still, it doesn't make me feel much better. Yet, I know that I am different.  I'm certainly different inside. I've fought difficult battles that my classmates don't know about. Struggling with mental health issues, has changed me. I'm no longer the person I was back then.  I've experienced things that many of my classmates didn't. Such as moving away from home to attend college in a whole different state and attending grad school.

I know I'm different on the inside. I'm not the same as I was back then. I feel like back in high school, I was a different person. While I've never really been a really confident person or even extremely outgoing, I do feel like I was a bit more so back then than now. I'm not sure where exactly this all changed for me but it did.  In fact, I feel like I'm more anxious about things now than I was back then.

In fact, back when I was in high school, I was quite involved with things at church. I was in the Youth Group choir and was an Alter Server.  I even played piano for the choir.  While I got nervous performing, I still did it. Now, some of the church members who have known me for years, have asked me to help out while I'm here. I've been asked to be a Eucharistic Minister and also a Lector. Honestly though, I don't want to do either.

I've already been having a complicated relationship with my religion but besides that, thinking about helping out and being up there with all these people watching me and counting on me, is just making me extremely anxious. Just taking up the Offeratory gifts to the alter makes me nervous now. Thinking about being up on the alter now, just makes me extremely anxious and not want to do it.

Things have changed for me. I'm now more anxious about things that I wasn't nearly as anxious about before. It's strange and I don't really understand it.  Being on the alter singing with the choir and being an alter server, didn't really bother me back then. Now just thinking about being up there, is enough to make me nervous.

I don't know what is going on with my mind anymore. It would be nice if it could just make sense for once.

Sometimes I still wish that I had an explanation for my depression and anxiety.  I know someone who also has depression but there's was brought on by grief. Mine doesn't have an explanation like that; it just happened.

I wish things were that simple to figure out. I wish my mind would just make sense.

I keep searching for answers that I'll probably never find and I don't even know why I'm still looking for them.

Stuffed friends

Ok, I'll admit it. I still sleep with a stuffed animal. In fact, I sleep with several stuffed animals on my bed. I have a fairly good size collection.

There's one stuffed animal in particular that I tend to sleep with more than others though and that's my Watercolor bunny named "Splash". I made her last year at Build-A-Bear soon after I had my appendectomy. It was my first build and I was such a little kid making her. I was so happy and excited. I had a lot of fun!

Now I have a collection here at my parents house with me. 5 of the animals are my own builds, 1 virtual build (I purchased her online); 1 is a build that my nephew made for me; the rest, I've adopted from thrift stores.  I have several small fry animals which are mini versions of Build-A-Bear animals. I also have several Build-A-Bear friends in storage.

I can't help it. I love stuffed animals. They're very comforting to me. Especially since being diagnosed with mental health issues. Any time I feel sad or anxious, I hug my animals and it helps me feel a lot better.

Ever since I was diagnosed, I noticed that I tend to gravitate more toward my stuffed animals. I find myself feeling the need to cuddle with them more.

There's just something about a stuffed animal that makes everything better for me. I guess when I think about it, it's a connection to my childhood and feeling comforted by a stuffed friend.

When I was younger, I had a small doll that rattled and called her "Rattle Baby". I had her for the longest time. She was well loved and I eventually had to put her away because she was just getting too worn out. I got another stuffed friend. A white rabbit that I named "Fluffy". It was a rabbit that I had gotten around the time my older brother moved away to Florida. The rabbit was a fairly big size and once again, I had it for the longest time.  I added more stuffed friends to the mix: a bean bag cat, a Tweety Bird, a small elephant I'd won as a prize from Peter Piper and named "Lucky". I eventually put all the others away and went back to just my rabbit. It got to the point where I had to put my rabbit away too.

There were times I didn't sleep with any stuffed friends. And for quite some time.  But eventually I started seeking comfort again and went back to sleeping with a stuffed friend.

Especially last year;my last semester of graduate school, when I started feeling really down and sinking into a depressive state. I needed comfort and I didn't have anyone. I was alone. I didn't have any friends and I was away from home.  So I turned to my stuffed animals.

I found comfort in them. They helped me not feel so alone. They comforted me during the nights when the tears just wouldn't stop falling.  They help me feel calmer when my anxiety was just going crazy.

My stuffed friends still do that for me. So what if I'm an adult. For me, my stuffed friends are therapeutic They help me deal with my anxiety and depression. In some ways, they help me fight it. They help me battle my inner demons and make me feel stronger and not so alone.

My stuffed friends help me feel truly safe and make me feel comfortable about my mental health struggles. They are the only other ones who have been there for me besides my therapist.

I still have my bad days but I seek comfort in knowing that just hugging my stuffed bunny or any of my other friends, can make me feel better.  My stuffed friends have become a big part of my recovery process. I know my collection of stuffed friends has grown since being diagnosed but yet, each one of them is important to me.

If anyone reading this also struggles with depression or anxiety or any other mental health issue, I encourage you to find a stuffed animal or another comfort object. Something that makes you feel "safe" and "secure". Sometimes I feel it's the only thing I need to feel better.

I'm not ashamed of it either and neither should anyone else be. If you need something to help you feel better, then go for it.

Flashback

I was browsing Facebook like one does when I saw a group suggestion for Alamogordo High School 2006; my graduating class. So I decided to check it out and ended up sending a join request.

I feel crazy for even sending the request since I'm sure not I want to be in contact with all these people. Not because all these people were mean to me or anything, just that I feel weird. 

On the plus side, I did discover that I'm not the only classmate who is still single and without kids. Although, many of the others that are single are guys. Still though, it makes me feel better knowing this. 

So then for some reason, I started thinking back to my memories from high school and middle school. I just started feeling very nostalgic. This lead to me thinking about the song "Never Give Up on the Good Times" by the Spice Girls.  

I'm not sure why either. Just a random thing I guess. 

Anyways, that's not what I even wanted to talk about. 

Seeing pictures of my classmates in this group got me thinking back to my memories of middle school and high school. It just brought back memories. 

I'll be honest though, I feel like I have a lot of memories that weren't exactly pleasant and those are the memories that tend to come up first when I look back.  When I think back, I feel like I have more unpleasant memories than pleasant ones. 

Middle school and high school weren't exactly difficult for me but they also weren't especially great either. Middle school was especially hard for me. Still though, I made it through relatively unscathed. 

I don't know. I guess I just worry what my other classmates remember about me and that's why I'm anxious about joining this group. I wasn't popular or anything. I was just me. I was nerdy and was just mostly nice person. I helped a lot of people in class with assignments because that's just who I was. 

Yet, I don't feel like I'm someone people would remember exactly. I wasn't someone who stood out.  In fact, many people made fun of me including people I thought were my friends. 

Even the classmates I am Facebook friends with I still feel awkward with. I don't even know what I'd say to them if I saw them in real life.  I really don't talk to anyone anymore. 

I just feel so distanced from everyone I grew up with. I feel like I've changed but at the same time not. I don't look very much different from when I was in high school.  

I guess in a way, I also feel inferior to my classmates even though I've accomplished more than many of them. I have a Master's degree and attended college out-of-state. I went straight to college after graduating from high school. I never took a break.

I'm also still single and without kids. I'm also without a job of any sort. So yeah, while I've accomplished what I've wanted, part of me does tend to compare myself to my classmates and not feel as great. 

I know I shouldn't compare myself and I should be proud of my accomplishments and I am. However, sometimes I just feel like I did nothing in my life if that makes any sense.

I've often said that when it comes time for my 10 year high school reunion, I'm not even sure I'd go to it. It all depends really. Especially since I don't feel that close to anyone really anymore. I don't even know who I'd talk to or hang out with if I did decide to go. Plus, with my social anxiety, I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it. I'd likely end up feeling so awkward and so out of place that I'd just end up not going.  Plus how many people would really remember me?

As it was, my Senior year of high school, I wasn't really at the high school all that much.  I was already taking college courses at the community college.  I missed out some things because I wasn't at  the high school for them. For instance, I missed out on the big Senior class photos. It did bother me a little bit but I got over it pretty quickly.

 The 2nd semester of my Senior year, I was hardly at the high school. I had 3 college classes plus I had requested 4th hour off. I was an aide for the guidance office and had maybe one actual high school class. I did make sure to participate in as many activities as I could though since it was my last year of high school but  basically, I was ready to move on to bigger and better things.

I'm not sure how I'll even feel if I get accepted to this Facebook group. I really don't know if I really want to be accepted.  Does anyone even care about me or remember me? Why would they really?   

Brain Dump

A bunch of thoughts on my mind tonight and a lot of feelings about them which really isn't uncommon for me. Especially since being diagnosed with mental health problems. But I figured a brain dump post was in order to get them off my mind. So here you are. 

First off, I once again experienced some heightened anxiety tonight while at Saturday evening service.  My mom and I were asked to take the offertory gifts up to the alter tonight. I felt anxiety after we were asked but I was quickly able to calm myself.  Then another family sat next to us. I've never really been a big fan of people sitting next to me; strangers I mean. It definitely heightens my anxiety whenever this happens.  So I was even more anxious but once again, it passed. Everything seemed fine for the most part. The thing is though is that once again, I just felt a bit out of it. This has been happening a bit more often lately and I'm not entirely sure why.  But everything seemed to be ok in general. Even taking up the offertory gifts was not too bad. At least not until after we were heading back to our seats.  That's when my anxiety just shot up. I felt like I could just break down in a panic attack. But I didn't. Inside I felt extremely anxious but I just tried to relax and breathe deeply. Just try and calm myself down as much as possible and it seemed to work. I still felt pretty anxious for a bit though. 

The whole thing about it is that I don't get why I was so anxious. I used to do things like this without a second thought. Yet now, it seems like I get anxious with all sorts of things and I don't always understand.  It usually comes as a shock to me whenever I get anxious for no apparent reason.  But it's just something I'm learning to deal with. 

Speaking of religion, I'm still having conflicted thoughts on my relationship with my religion. I mean I still believe in God and what my religion says for the most part. But lately, I've just felt more and more distanced. I don't feel like my faith is nearly as strong anymore. I've felt this way for a while now; pretty much since I've been struggling with mental health issues.   To be honest, I have times where I really just don't feel like going to church services that week.  When I was living away from home, it was my decision if I went or not. But now that I'm living back home with my parents, I feel like I don't really have a choice but to attend.  I just feel like I'm not as interested in my faith so much anymore. 

I've said before how I've never really been an overly religious person and I'm still not. But lately, I feel even less so. If I could, I probably wouldn't attend services as often.  Right now though, I don't have that choice. At least I don't feel like I do.  Like I said, the whole thing is just complicated. 

Another thing that's been on my mind is this upcoming family reunion on my mom's side of the family. I'm not too thrilled about it. I'm happy to be getting away from my hometown for a bit but I'm not exactly thrilled to see relatives. The thing is that I'm the youngest of the first cousins and have always been. I was the last of the grandchildren. This reunion is with the cousin's and aunts and uncles from my grandfather's side of the family. My mom's side of the family is pretty large and this is the first family reunion in about 15 years. I was a lot younger at the last one.  

The thing is that I'm not exactly thrilled to be going and seeing all these relatives. First of all, being the youngest of the first cousins mean's that I'm pretty much on my own. There's 11 years difference between me and the next youngest cousins. There might be some other cousins but chances are that they'll either be way older than me or way younger than me. So regardless, I'm alone.  

Then there's the fact that because I'm the youngest, I'm also the only one not married and with a family. Not that that's a big deal. Just stating another fact. 

But the biggest thing is that I'm also the furthest away and have always been. My other cousins and relatives have all lived fairly close to one another. Because of this, they always spent a lot of time together. I've always felt like an outsider and I still feel that way a lot.  I hate feeling this way but it feels like that's just who I'm destined to be. I've almost always felt like an outsider. Too young to really interact with my older cousins and too old to really interact with some of my second and third cousins. Just an outsider. 

Then there's some family issues with my mom's siblings that I'm not exactly looking forward to. I'm going to have to be civil and most likely talk to them but I'm not exactly comfortable about the idea.   Basically, I'm not looking forward to the reunion much. I'm not sure what I'm even going to be doing. Most likely I'm just going to be attempting to make conversation and spending most of my time reading a book or working on my novel.  Alone as usual. *sigh*  It's just hard to be excited about spending time with relatives that I don't exactly know that well. 

I had a couple random memories pop into my head tonight involving some old "friends" of mine back when I was younger. One memory I have is that one of my "friends" would secretly steal something of mine as a joke and then laugh whenever I freaked out over it.  This happened a couple times when I was in middle school. I never found it funny. It was usually something small but whenever I'd notice it was gone and then ask my friends about it, they'd deny it and then laugh. I didn't find it funny at all. It was a mean prank to me and whenever I told my "friends" how mean it was, they'd get defensive and say I ruined their joke by taking it so seriously. I had a sense of humor but this wasn't something I found very funny. 

Another random memory that popped up in my mine involved sleepovers with some of my "friends".  More than once, I fell victim to being the one that would fall asleep first and then the other girls would play tricks on me. I hated it every time. What's even worse is that more than once my "friends" would convince me that they weren't going to do anything and I believed them. But they still would do things to me.  I tried so hard and so many times to stay awake but I just couldn't do it.  I remember once getting so angry with the others because I had to get up and volunteer at the library the next morning and they weren't letting me get sleep. 

Once again, they thought what they were doing was funny and I didn't. I'll admit that had I not been the victim at these sleepovers, I probably would have been a participated in playing tricks on another girl. But it never ended up that way.  It's not as fun when you're the one being tricked.

I guess in their eyes, I wasn't very "fun". I was different and I know they thought I was weird. Yet, they still invited me to do things with them. Granted, I was usually the last resort but still.  I guess I've just never been much of a person who likes being tricked even if it's just for fun.  

Thinking of this just now, made me remember how one of my teacher's played an April Fool's Day trick on us by giving us a hard test and saying it was a big part of our grade. I fell for it and got so upset that I was in tears because I couldn't do it. I felt even worse when told it was just a trick. 

I'll admit that I'm a bit of a gullible person and I do take things a little too seriously at times. But that's just how I am. I'm not as bad as I was when I was a child but still sometimes I don't always know when people are teasing or joking with me and take it seriously.

Speaking of my "friends" and tricks, I remember another time when they had me sit in a chair and covered my head with a blanket. It was all part of a "mind" game/trick.  They had me imagine I was in a hot desert and I needed to cool down. What item would I take off first? I said the blanket but that wasn't the answer they were looking for. So I remember taking off each item of clothing one by one thinking it was the answer until finally I had nothing left and my friends finally took off the blanket. They told me that the blanket was a hat and I was supposed to say hat. I of course didn't know that so here I was without any clothes on and feeling extremely exposed and awkward. Also angry with them. 

Now that I think about it, my "friends" were never really nice to me and it seemed as though they loved to play tricks on me because they knew how upset I'd get. It's like they did it on purpose. I mean, I did eventually realize that these girls were never really my "friends" but when I was younger, I didn't really know better. It's really no wonder why I have trouble making friends even now. After everything I went through growing up. I was basically a "joke" to those girls. I was the one they chose to pick on and leave outside of things.  

I still feel like an outsider a lot and I still struggle to feel like part of a group. I guess it now makes sense why. 

So those are all the thoughts that have been on my mind. At least the thoughts I've had today.  

That's the problem with having depression and anxiety and not having a whole lot to distract me. I tend to think too much which isn't good. My therapist pointed this out to me. I need to keep busy and distracted in order to keep my mind from thinking too much. I don't really have that right now. I'm working on it but it's a difficult process. 

So many thoughts....

The future scares me

I know it's ridiculous to think about this now but honestly the future scares me. Sometimes I just start thinking about things and start thinking about my future and what it will be like.

I think about things like marriage and children and honestly the thought makes me freak out a bit.

As far as I can remember, I've wanted to get married and have children.  I mean that's one of the things a lot of girls want when they grow up.

Yet, now I'm not so sure anymore. I've never been in a relationship before.  Not once. The thought of even dating freaks me out somewhat. I know what type of guy I'm interested in but still, I'm nervous about even the thought of someone finding me attractive.

Then there is the idea of meeting "the one" and getting engaged and then married.  It does make me anxious.

Then when it comes to having children. The whole thing freaks me out far too much thinking about it. I don't know if I could handle it.  I look at some of my old high school friends/classmates who have children and wonder if I could ever be like them.

Then there's the bad side. What if things didn't go well with a pregnancy of mine? Would I be able to handle the pain of grief? I think about a friend of mine who went through this and I worry about me.

I can't even seem to handle things in life as it is. What if something like this were to happen and sent me to my breaking point again? I don't know if I could handle something like this.

Then there's the thought of my nephew. He's already 15 and he's the only child my brother and sister-in-law are going to have. That's it.  If and when I finally do have children, he will be so much older than his cousins. I think about that and I don't know if I'd want that for him.

I've talked about my thoughts on these things here before.

Sometimes I wonder what if? What if I don't end up finding "the one" and getting married? What if I decided not to have children? Would it be so bad?  It's certainly a possibility.

I don't know. I guess really, I don't feel like I can handle being an adult to be honest.   I can barely seem to handle my own life right now as it is.

Things can happen and I might feel differently about them when they do. But for now, it freaks me out too much.

Therapists

Can we just talk about how lucky I've been to have some wonderful therapists?

I have been lucky that most of my therapists have been pretty good. There was only one that didn't quite work out but I was able to find someone else.

All of my therapists have been nice and kind and I've felt comfortable with them. Even when my therapists were just counselor's at the Counseling Center, they were nice and I felt like they had my best interests at heart. The 2 therapists I had at the Psychology Clinic were pretty good too despite being in training doctoral candidates.

But by far, the best therapist I've ever had has been my current therapist. She is just great. She was the first one to diagnose me with depression and anxiety. She was basically the first one besides myself to figure out that I needed something more to help with my problems.

I'm not saying the other therapists were incompetent or horrible because they weren't.  They just probably didn't see the signs early enough. Because when I first started, things really weren't as bad as they got later.

Depression is hard to diagnose so it's not really surprising that it took so long to figure out that's what I had.
I just know that when I first went to see my therapist, she was quickly able to figure out that's what I had.
By then, I already figured that I needed more help than just counseling.

My therapist is just so wonderful. I am really grateful to have found her. She's the only person I feel understands me and can understand all my struggles. She helps me figure things out and just helps me feel better in general  about things.  She's also the person who can help me get my emotions all sorted out.

I just feel so fortunate to have found her especially in a small town like this.  I'm already concerned though about when I have to move away somewhere else.  It's not that I'm worried about starting over with someone else, because I've done that before. I'm more concerned that I won't find someone as great as her.

I know I'm just rambling now but I just really feel strongly about my therapist and am so thankful for what she has done. This  is why I wrote this post; to show my appreciation for all she's done.

So Thank You.