Early warning signs

The more I think about things like my childhood and growing up, the more I realize that perhaps there were early signs that could have led me to where I am now. Things that I never thought about before.

I've always felt as though my childhood was mostly happy. I felt like I was a happy child. I had struggles like any normal child but I felt I survived things ok.

I struggled to make friends. I was left out of things and picked on because I was thought to be "different". I was the weird girl; more studious than many of my so called "friends". I was definitely nerdy and am proud of that fact.

Yet despite all that, I still feel as though my childhood was mostly positive. So how did I end up with depression and anxiety at age 25?

I know I've almost always tended to be more of an emotional type of person. I've mention how the other kids labeled me as a "Crybaby" and how I hated it. But I was emotional. I still am and sometimes I hate that I am.

Still though, I wouldn't think that would be any reason for me to be the way I am now and perhaps not.

The more I think about things though, the more I realize that perhaps there were signs that I recognize now that I wouldn't have back then. Things that seemed normal at the time.

For one thing, looking back on it, I guess I could say that I suffered from a bout of depression during 8th grade.I felt like I was constantly between fights with my friends and I hated it. I also was left out a lot with some of my friends when it came to things. 8th grade was just basically a struggle for me.

I turned to writing a lot during this time. I wrote stories and poetry to express how I felt. Several times that year, I went to the counselor because I was just so frustrated and tired. A couple times, I felt like I just wanted to disappear just so I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. I didn't want to hurt myself in any way but it certainly worried some of my friends when I told them that.  I thought I was happy but maybe I wasn't really.  Especially looking back on it now. Perhaps I did have some depression. I just know that during this time and continuing during 9th grade, I wrote a lot of poetry and felt so alone.

Then there's my anxiety. I guess I was a bit of a scaredy cat as a child.  I've never really been one that likes to go out of my comfort zone very much. I'm not even a thrill seeker. As it is, when I went to Disney World for the first time when I was 6, I was scared to go on many of the rides. When we went to the water park a few summers later, I was scared to go on the water rides. I still get anxiety over some things. When we went to Wet N' Wild last summer, I was anxious about going on some of the rides at first. I was more nervous than excited even though once I went on the ride, I was generally fine.

I guess my anxiety has been around longer than I think. It just sort of escalated to the point it is now.
My therapist agreed with me when I mentioned this to her. I thought my anxiety was a relatively new thing but perhaps not.  I wouldn't have thought about it.

I'm not saying any of this has anything to do with my mental health struggles now but perhaps they were early signs.  I'm sure there are many things that could have contributed to things being the way they are now.  Perhaps I was just more susceptible for one reason or another.

Mental health struggles don't always make sense. Mine certainly are more complicated than I originally thought.