I haven't written a post recently but I do have a couple that I started writing but just didn't finish. Some of that is due to reasons that I will soon explain but I hope to have those completed at some point in the near future.
I've been doing ok since my last post. Things have improved and I'm certainly feeling a lot happier than I was. However, it's hard to start truly feeling better when I still dealing with some of the same stress I have been dealing with since I graduated and moved back home.
This summer hasn't really been all that great for me. I'm still battling my depression and anxiety issues for one. I'm still without a job despite applying at several places. I have done some fun things this summer despite but mostly I've felt like I've just disappointed my parents. At least that's how it seems.
My road to recovery hasn't been easy though. For starters, I've had to change my dosage of my antidepressant from my initial 50mg to 75mg and then to 100mg. At first it seemed as though 75mg was working but I kept having symptoms more than I should. I think I've finally found the correct dosage as I'm starting to feel much happier and having less moments where my symptoms get in the way. I'm glad about that although I still have moments. However, they aren't as frequent as they were.
Anyways, going back to the fun things I've done this summer. For starters, over memorial day weekend, I went to Scottsdale,AZ to stay with my brother and his family and to go to Phoenix Comic Con. This was my 3rd year going and I enjoy it so much. I cosplayed as Mabel Pines from Gravity Falls, Ms. Frizzle, Clara Oswin from Doctor Who, and Minty Zaki, a racer from the Sugar Rush game from Wreck-it-Ralph. It was a fun and exhausting weekend.
I also stayed for a little while after Con. Firstly, to recover from the weekend and second, to try and make attempts to find a job. I did apply for a couple of places like Bookman's and Build-A-Bear but they didn't have anything open at the time.
I brought my nephew back to New Mexico to stay for the summer and he was here for about 2 months. During that time we didn't do a whole lot as there really isn't a lot to do. I finally started getting my motivation back and started applying for a few more jobs but still not having much luck. My nephew and I played video games or watched some things on Netflix. He mostly played games on the computer and he helped out at the library and went to Teen Cafe.
My nephew and I spent one weekend watching movies and playing video games while my parents were out-of-town. That was a lot of fun. On the downside though, while my nephew was here, I was rarely left alone. He would keep coming into my bedroom and bother me. He'd constantly want to show me things on the computer. I mean I love him but it got to be too much at times.
I still enjoyed having him here though. Once we went to El Paso to the Build-a-Bear store and I bought him a smallfry Flamingo and I bought myself a smallfry turtle and a pink kitty that I named Strawberry Fields. We also saw several movies that came out while he was here. One of them being Monster's University. We both enjoyed the movie so much that we made hats.
For the 4th of July, we stayed here. We grilled some hot dogs and had some some sides. We had bought a few fireworks to set off and my nephew was in charge this year. We also watched the city fireworks and had our traditional S mores for dessert. Before I took him back home toward the end of July, we went to Wet n' Wild like we did last summer and had fun.
I took him back on July 26 and stayed with my brother and his family for 3 weeks. Once again, I tried to find a job while I was there. Once again, I didn't have much luck. I applied for several places that weren't even in the library. Still no luck. Not to mention I got homesick and the stress caused my depression to worsen.
To make matters worse, I was without a laptop during the 3 weeks I was gone. Which is part of the reason I also haven't updated. The day I arrived in Scottsdale, I had a project for the Adult Summer Reading Program that I needed to finish and I did. It was a Scavenger Hunt that I had to type up. I had helped put it together with another librarian and just needed to finish it up. I was able to finish it and send it off.
I was having some problems with my computer so I decided to shut it off and restart it. But when I did that, my computer wouldn't restart. One of the USB ports had broken and I don't know if that caused my computer to crash but whatever the reason, my computer just stopped working. It wouldn't even boot up. So I had to use my brother's computer in the meantime which also meant kicking my nephew off of it. I would also go to the public library and use their computers to apply for jobs.
I had my computer checked out twice to be sure it was broken. The first place I took my computer was near the ASU campus and they told me that my computer was completely dead. They said they couldn't even retrieve information from the hard drive. I would have fine without my files but the more I started thinking about them, the more I realized I had some pretty important files that I was afraid of losing. So I took my computer to Best Buy's Geek Squad for a second opinion. I was pretty sure my computer was dead but was still hoping they could at least recover the files. Luckily they were able to do so. They also confirmed my laptop was dead and recommended I purchase a new one.So I looked at some new ones. I told the people exactly what I was looking for in a laptop and they were able to recommend one for me.
I was going to buy the laptop while I was there in Arizona but I decided not to. After talking with my parents, I decided to see if they could purchase the same laptop during Tax-free weekend in New Mexico. That way I could save some money. So that's what they did. I had sent them the information for the laptop and they were able to get the one that I wanted.
I finally had a laptop but I didn't have it with me until I got home. I was just getting extremely homesick and wanting to come back home. I wasn't having much luck finding a job and just was ready to come back for various reasons. I wanted my own room back and my own bed. I missed things being more organized. My dad wanted me to stay longer to see if I heard back but I just couldn't do it.
I stayed through my nephew's 15th birthday which was August 7. He also started high school that day. That weekend we celebrated his birthday with all of us as my brother had to work the evening of my nephew's birthday. We went to a movie on my nephew's actual birthday and I took him out for frozen yogurt. On Saturday, we went to a Laser Tag place and then went to my nephew's favorite restaurant, Famous Dave's BBQ.
I came home on that Monday afterwards. I had only had one possibility for a job out of all the ones I'd applied for while there. It was for a job at the Harkin's movie theater. But they hadn't contacted me regarding a job yet so I just came home.
I was anxious to come home but not at the same time because I felt I had failed. I felt like I disappointed my parent's. I'd left without a job and was returning without a job. I knew I was coming back to the stress and pressure from them wanting me to find a job. But I couldn't stay with my brother any longer. I wanted my bed and comforts of home.
So I came back. I also wanted to come home and set up my new laptop. I was tired of using someone else's computer. It's just not the same when it's not your own. I was so glad to be home and to have space and privacy again.
It was nice to have my own computer again. I got home and set it up soon after I had finished unpacking. I love my new computer and was getting used to it. I even named it "Gipsy Danger" (One of the Jager's from Pacific Rim). Everything seemed to be going fine. I redownloaded a few programs and installed my new Office. I was getting things back to normal. Then last Saturday, my laptop wouldn't turn on. It had worked fine the night before when I shut it down. I hadn't even had the laptop turned on for a week yet. So we took a trip to Las Cruces to the Best Buy store to see what was wrong.
Turns out that my laptop was defective and they had to order a replacement for me. Apparently my laptop is popular and they were sold out both at the store and in El Paso. My new laptop was set to arrive yesterday (Thursday). So once again I was without a laptop until then. I just seem to be having bad luck with laptops lately!
I was even planning to write a blog post that Saturday when I went to turn it on but obviously I couldn't do that. At least this time I had a computer that I could use without having to kick someone off every time. I'm so glad to have my own computer again though. So far everything seems to be going fine with this one and I hope it stays that way.
It takes a bit of the stress out of my life. I felt so lost without having a laptop. I was already dealing with enough as it is. This just added to things. Now I can start feeling a bit better.
Just being home has seemed to have done wonders for my mood too. At least right now. This week just seems to be much better. I seem happier. My situation hasn't changed much but I'm feeling ok about it right now. Then again I also have a bit of a distraction at the moment.
On Sunday August 18th, I got Disney Infinity for the Wii!! I had pre-ordered the game earlier this summer. I was so excited! It's Disney which I love!! The Starter set comes with Sulley, Captain Jack, and Mr. Incredible. Because I had preordered at GameStop, I received an additional figurine for free. I chose Mike from Monster's University. Now that I think about it though, I probably should have gone for Violet from The Incredibles and waited to buy Mike with the Sidekicks pack since now I want to get the others from the set. I also got a blind pack of Power Discs and I was lucky to get the power discs from Sugar Rush for both the sky and the textures in the Toy Box. I've been busy playing the game since I got it on Sunday. Well, playing the play sets for them. Since I didn't have a laptop for the past few days after I got the game, I had the game to keep me occupied.
It's also keeping my mind off things. Although it's also a bit problematic in that sense. I'd much rather be doing other things like playing my game instead of doing job search stuff. But it has relieved some of the stress. I'm just such a big Disney fan in the first place and this game just takes me into that world. It's a well-needed distraction. So with the combination of the video game, the comforts of being back home again, a new laptop, and the feeling as though my antidepressant is finally working; it's felt like it's been a relatively good week for me.
One of the things I failed to mention was that while I was gone, it was hard for me to deal with things as I didn't have my therapist to talk to. I was gone for 3 weeks and I was under some emotional stress during that time trying to deal with everything. It felt as though my depression and anxiety worsened while I was in Arizona. I felt like things had taken a step backwards; almost like things were like before. I felt like my coping techniques just weren't working as well. A couple of times, I seriously wished I had my therapist to talk to. I mean, I probably could have called her but as I was out of state, I felt it wouldn't have been as helpful. It got to the point where I actually considered going to a Behavioral Health Hospital and going to their Psychiatric Emergencies Center just to see if they could help me get out of my head and just let me talk to someone. I just needed to talk to someone about everything I was dealing with.
I'm glad to be home though and glad to be seeing my therapist again. I didn't even wait very long to make an appointment when I got back. I returned on Monday and I called and got an appointment for that Thursday. It just felt so nice to get things off my mind. I felt so much better afterwards. I just felt a sense of relief as I'd been feeling quite worked up for the last couple weeks. I think that's also helping me to feel better.
I'm hopeful things will start turning around for me soon. I'm hopeful I'll find a job soon. I need to find one soon so that I can truly start feeling better. Right now, that's hard to do. It's so hard to not keep getting discouraged. I feel like giving up. I'm just so done with it all. The more they push, the less motivated I seem to be. I'm just so frustrated with everything. I feel like I can't win as I'm either over or under qualified for things I apply for that aren't library related. I just want someone to give me a chance to prove myself.
It's just so hard.
One final thing that I did this summer is that last weekend was the county fair. So there's that. My parent's and I go on Friday night in the early evening before it gets too crowded. We have our normal corn on the cob and stuffed sopapillas and funnel cake. We play a few rounds of bingo and then we walk around. I don't ride any rides anymore because I can't (I get motion sickness). But I enjoy watching other people on the rides. The only ride I will ride anymore is the Ferris Wheel but even that I haven't done in awhile just because I haven't. But still, it's just nice to go to the fair.
So pretty much my summer has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Mostly downs though it seems. I'm not looking forward to the months ahead either. I'm just not very enthusiastic or hopeful for things to come because so far nothing has changed much.
Things need to change and soon. I hope they do for my sake. I don't know how much longer I can handle all this.
But overall, I am doing ok. I'm still fighting despite it all and that's really the most important thing.
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