Making a list

So I have a job now. A job I didn't really want and still don't really want. But I have no choice but to take it. It's a long story that I'll have to explain later. 

Anyway, this job has gotten me thinking a lot about jobs in general. Specifically, the types of jobs that I'd be willing to do while looking for my dream job.  I don't know or understand why certain things appeal to me more than others. Some of them don't make sense why I don't like them. It's just the way it is for me. 

Thus, I present to you a list of jobs that would appeal to me: 

Coffee shop barista

Book Sales Associate or just working in a bookstore of some type

Library (obviously)

Summer Camp Aide or Counselor 

After School Aide 

Working with children in a museum or just working in a museum (bonus if it's a science museum)  

Retail shops (specifically Build-a-Bear, Disney Store, or The Lego Store but I'd likely be ok with places like Walgreens) 

Working with household animals in an animal shelter (cats and dogs) or possibly a zoo (feeding the animals)

Working with flowers (Floral shop in a grocery store)

Working in a Frozen Yogurt shop

That's actually a pretty good list. But it's also a difficult list since there aren't exactly a lot of those types of jobs around this area. Still though, these are things that I think I'd be ok with. This list is actually a great improvement for me since it used to be that I couldn't think of anything else I'd want to do other than library. 

So now for the opposite; a list of jobs that just really don't appeal to me whatsoever:

Food service jobs*  (anything regarding this; fast food or restaurants,, although I'd be ok with a froyo or coffee shop)

Bank teller (although I did apply for a couple positions, I'd just rather stay away because I'm not all that great with calculations) 

Clerical work (specifically being a receptionist that has to answer phones; I have anxiety when it comes to answering/talking on the phone). 

TEACHING!!   (This includes substitute teaching. Yet this is the type of job I happen to have gotten. I have a job now as a Pre-K teacher even though I'm not early childhood certified. I didn't really want it and still really don't but I didn't have a choice. I'm just so freaked out about it. I just really don't want it but I can't say no  because it's complicated).

Working in the Deli department of a grocery store or anything similar (Did this already and wouldn't want to do it again at all).

I guess when it comes to jobs, I just want something that won't be too stressful for me. Something that won't overwhelm me too much or stress me out. Stress just isn't helpful for me. I tend to get stressed out fairly easily which in turn makes my anxiety heighten and just adds emotional stress and could send me into a depressive state again. Especially if it's a job I've basically been forced into. Such as this Pre-K job (and believe me, I've been in a panicked state since finding out) and also the Deli job. I already go into the job with negative feelings toward it.  

This Pre-K job is already just overwhelming me and I really don't know what's going on exactly. I'm not really all that excited about it. Everyone else seems more excited about it than I am. Yes, the kids are cute but I still don't want to teach them. This is so far out of my comfort zone. Everyone keeps telling me to give it a try; I might end up liking it. But I know I won't. The teaching aspect is just something that I don't want to do. 

I just keep hoping that something else will come through for me quickly and save me from being stuck in this job. I'm literally taking it a day at a time; a month at a time. I'm still hoping that I'll have found something else by the time my nephew's birthday rolls around on August 7th. 

When words fail you

It's been a few months. I haven't forgotten.  Things have been difficult. I can't always figure out what to say.

I haven't forgotten. Words just haven't come so easily lately. What more can I say that hasn't already been said.

I want to write but even just the effort to do so is exhausting some nights. The words stumble over each other in such a jumbled mess that's it's difficult to sort them out into something that would even make sense.

Soon and very soon, I hope to return to you.

Brain dump

I'm so tired today really needed to get some thoughts off my mind before I officially call it a night.

I was going to write a Tumblr post originally but realized that I had a lot more to write than I'd want to share on Tumblr.

Anyways, I feel so messed up when it comes to days of the week because of work. It's Friday night and I should be enjoying it but because of work, it just feels like another day. My days are just all messed up because of my schedule. My weekends are almost non-existent now. I work on Saturday (tomorrow) but then I'm off Sunday. It just messes with my mind.

I still hate work. In fact after tonight, I just want to quit so badly. I've been wanting to quit since I began working but because I don't have another job yet, I can't. It's complicated. But tonight, I'm just so done with it all. I'd rather quit than have to put up with this job any more. I'm just 100% done at this point. I'm just so fed up with it. The money isn't worth all this stress.

As it is, this job has seemed to have forced me into a depressive episode that I just can't seem to shake. I just can't stand it anymore. It seems to be causing me more problems for me mentally. I feel so tired and sore. Even after nearly 2 months of working, my lower back and my feet still tend to get extremely sore. I dread going in so much that my stomach develops knots and I start feeling sickish. My anxiety is just completely out of control and I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown almost constantly.

Today was just terrible. I was already sore from the past couple days of work and today I just felt like I could barely move without feeling sore. Not to mention that I was already exhausted. I just felt like I didn't get a lot of sleep last night even though I know I did.  Then to top it all off, I just had an extremely bad headache for some reason. It just made me less willing to go in to work. I just really felt like calling in sick and staying cuddled up in my bed all day and sleep. If only I could.

My anxiety gets so bad that I start feeling a bit nauseous; like I'm going to be sick to my stomach. It happened today. I just dreading going in so much that I started feeling like I was going to be sick. I really was tempted to call in and say that I was sick just so I didn't have to go in. But I didn't and went in to work anyways. Part of me still hoped that I would get sick just so I'd have a reason to be sent home. But no.

I hate my manager so much that I honestly have gotten to the point where I wish he would just fire me. I honestly don't really care if I get written up for not doing certain things anymore. I'm just compleo tely done with him and with this job. I'm easily replaceable and really I'd rather give this job up and let someone else handle it.  I'm supposed to be "happy" and smile but honestly, I don't feel like doing either. I just feel tired and lack energy. I try to push myself to hustle like he wants but I just feel like moving slow.  It's just too much for me to deal with.  As it is, I struggle to get out of bed a lot of mornings. Partly because of how sore I am but also partly because of my depression.  I almost wish I couldn't get out of bed on days I have to work because again, it would give me a legitimate excuse not to go in.

This job just seems to have made my mental health take a downward turn. I honestly feel like it's doing more harm than good. I thought it would help me from thinking too much but that certainly isn't the case. I feel like by quitting, it would help me out a great deal. Certainly for my mental health problems it would help.
Then again, I'd be going back to what it was like before I got this job and I'm not sure which is worse at this point.

Speaking of my mental health, part of me wishes I could be in crisis just so I wouldn't have to deal with all this anymore. This was brought to my mind because I called my therapist to reschedule an upcoming session.  I left her a message and one of the things that she mentioned was about being in crisis.  I hate this job so much that I'd rather be in crisis. Thinking about that makes me feel desperate. I am desperate though. I literally want my mental health problems to be so bad that I am forced to quit in order to deal with them.  I know that sounds horrible but at this point, it's the only "out" I see for this job.  At least until I find another job; a job I'd enjoy more.  That or if I were to get fired. It's not like I would purposely try to get myself fired either.

The fact that I would rather be sick or unable to get out of bed or anything like that just so I didn't have to go in to work, says a lot. I hate thinking like this but I just can't help it. That's how much I hate it.  I'm just so miserable and there's really not much I can do about it.

Here I am a Master's graduate and I'm stuck in this job that makes me miserable. All because no one else will hire me and give me a chance. I just don't get it! What am I missing? What am I doing wrong?

Out of all the girls I hung out with in middle and high school, I'm the one who went far in terms of education. None of the others went for their Master's degree. There's only one other girl who even graduated from college. She has her Bachelor's and that's it. The rest of the girls have some college but quit.

So basically I'm the most educated out of all of them and yet I'm stuck in this crappy job. They, on the other hand, seem to have jobs that they enjoy.  It's just not fair! :( Why can't I find something that I can enjoy? How did they get so lucky? When is it my turn?

I just want to give up. It's starting to feel like I won't find anything and will be stuck for a while.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. Honestly, I can't take anymore but I don't see a way out of it anytime soon.

Mixed up emotions

My emotions have just been so mixed up lately and honestly, I think it's mostly due to the stress I'm under at work and how much I just can't stand the job.

I've said how I'm just not happy anymore and I'm not. I find myself in tears almost every night. Things just aren't going very well for me.

I'm downright miserable. It's like my emotions don't know what's going on.

My anxiety levels have been all out of sorts. I feel on the verge of anxiety attack far more often recently.
Today I had a moment while at Wal-Mart where I just started to feel like panicking and I just felt a bit odd for a few minutes. Like I was out of it and in a daze. I felt like crying for no apparent reason.

It passed almost as quickly as it came on.  I just tried to tell myself to calm down and take deep breaths. I also told my brain to shut up.

However, the feeling hasn't gone completely away and it hasn't in some time; the feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking down in tears. Also the feeling of just heightened anxiety.

After being off for about a week from work, when I returned last Thursday it was just like a shock to my system. I dreaded going in knowing the amount of things I had to get done.  I was on the verge of tears even before I went in.
It was only for 3 hours but even that seemed like a monumental task. Afterwards, my back and feet were so sore.

The next morning, Friday, I literally had to drag myself out of bed. I just didn't feel good mentally or physically. I guess it was my depression causing a lot of it.  I just felt awful all day.  I dreaded going in to work so much. I wasn't happy and I didn't feel like smiling at all. I just felt so tired and miserable and close to tears.

I was quiet and just not very upbeat at work. I laughed if something was funny but it felt odd. It was more forced laughter than anything. I tried really hard to put a smile on my face and seem happy but it was almost painful to do so.

Saturday wasn't much better either especially since I was woken up by a phone call from my boss at 5:30 AM. He wanted to know where the keys to the smoker were at. I had put them back but the other guy who'd come in to help me out had gone outside to check everything and he was the last to have them.  They found the keys when I'd called back. But I couldn't get back to sleep for the longest time. I finally managed to but I was still tired when I finally woke up. I was also not in the best of moods.

I don't know what's going on with my mind anymore. I don't know if my dosage is working much anymore. But then again, I don't really know what is going on. I feel close to tears almost constantly. I find myself basically crying myself to sleep far too many nights.  I have times where nothing is really triggering my anxiety and yet I'm still incredibly anxious for some reason.  I just get moments where I suddenly feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack and sometimes they are unexpected.

I just also feel tired a lot. Like I just don't get enough sleep even when I do. Especially on my days off. I feel like doing nothing but staying in bed and relaxing. I find myself feeling extremely tired in the afternoons during my days off when compared to the days I work. I also find myself having to drag myself out of bed more often.  Part of it could be due to the soreness but I'm sure it's also because I've just been extremely depressed.

I feel like my brain is just all mixed up once more. I find myself battling negative thoughts and just feeling like I'm stuck. I feel like I don't know what's going on with me anymore.  Why am I feeling so miserable? Why can't my brain just figure things out?

It's like I've gotten bad again and basically I have. It's like I'm back to where I was before I began treatment. It doesn't seem as bad but still pretty bad.

I know it's this whole job thing. The job I have and then trying to find another job and hearing nothing. I don't know how much more I can take of it all.  The whole thing is just so complicated.

I guess really though with everything going on, I really shouldn't be surprised that I'm having another "episode". Too many feelings about everything at once.

What makes it worse is that I'm basically fighting this battle alone. I don't have much support except from my online group, an anonymous chat website, and my therapist. My parent's really don't understand my struggles or mental health problems and I just feel like they aren't very supportive about the whole thing. I don't have any real friends here either. Not someone I could just call up and talk to about things. Basically I'm alone and lonely. I feel that far too much lately.

 I just am dealing with a lot right now and don't really know where to turn or what to do.  Even finding the right words seems difficult.  "I'm fine" I say when really I'm not. I'm really not fine and I haven't been.

I don't really know if any of this makes sense. I feel like once again I'm just rambling.

It could be worse

I know I've talked about this a bit on here before but I'm going to talk about it some more.

Lately, I've just been in very depressive state. It seems to be caused by the stress from my new job.
I just hate it so much. It seems to have made my mental health problems take a turn for the worse. It seems I've just gone downhill since I began working. I just don't feel happy anymore. I don't even feel like smiling.

Even when I do have rare moments of happiness, it doesn't seem genuine. I feel like I'm close to tears far too often again. I dread going to work so much that sometimes I feel like breaking down in tears.

I'm getting off subject though. What I really wanted to talk about was how despite having severe clinical depression, things could still be worse.

I'm talking about how despite having a majority of the symptoms that diagnose me as having clinical depression, there are some that I just don't have and have never really had.

I guess I just wonder why things aren't worse than they are for me.

For instance, a lot of people battle with suicidal thoughts when they are severely depressed. However, I didn't and really I still don't. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure why either. Especially since I've gotten to low points where I felt like "Why bother?".  I've been to the point where I just felt everything was pointless.  There's been times where I've wanted to just disappear.

Yet despite all that, I've never really had suicidal thoughts. I've never thought of ending my life. I've certainly gotten to points where I was feeling so low yet, I could probably have but never did. It just is something that has never crossed my mind.

Another thing is that I never seemed to pick up on the idea of self-harm. Like with the suicidal thoughts, it was just something that I never considered. The idea of hurting myself on purpose with a sharp object just doesn't appeal to me and never has.

Now I'm not sure if this is do to inner strength that even I didn't know about or what. I guess I'm a fighter and stronger than I realized.

Although, recently I've been having thoughts of intentionally hurting myself just so I don't have to go in to work but I wouldn't do it. I've also had thoughts of just wishing I could reset my life but never doing something on purpose.

Sometimes I do get nervous around sharp objects when I'm in one of my moods. I guess it's just because I worry that I would hurt myself accidentally on purpose. I worry that I wouldn't be strong enough to resist despite never self-harming in the first place.

I don't know. I know I have depression and that it's pretty severe. But I guess really, things could be much worse than they already are. I'm strong and keep fighting even when I feel like giving up. Somehow, I just keep fighting. I find hope.

Yes, things are really bad at times and sure, I wish I didn't have to deal with them. Sometimes I even wonder if it would help me to check into a facility to help me out even more.

Somehow, I'm still here and still have hope. I keep fighting.

A mess of emotions

My new job is just horrible. I just downright hate it.  I dread every day I have to go in. I get knots in my stomach and feel like crying.

My manager is terrible. He rides on me so hard to get things done.

Twice last week, I broke down in tears while at work from the stress. I didn't break down in front of him though. I won't let him see.

I felt so broken down and I still feel like it. It's just been horrible. I've been wanting to quit for weeks now.

But my parents won't let me. They think this is good for me. They think if I quit now, I'll quit any time a job gets hard which is beyond true.

I just want out so badly. Every day I go in, I want to go home right away. I want to just walk out.

The job is just taking a toll on me physically and mentally.  At first, the job kept my mind distracted and busy so that I didn't think too much. However, that quickly ended. I don't feel happy anymore. I don't feel like smiling. I just feel numb. It's like the job has brought me into yet another depressive state.  I find myself breaking down in tears nearly every night after I come home. It's terrible.

Physically the job is taking a toll on me as well. I honestly don't know how much more my body can take. I'm sore all over. My lower back and both my feet are especially taking a beating. I feel like I can barely move at times. My right hand feels numb and tingly and has felt like this for several weeks now.

It's lucky I'm not triggered to self-harm. My hands and arms are just full of small cuts from who knows what exactly.   I also have a bunch of bruises on my arms and legs.  My poor hands are also suffering from the plastic gloves we are required to wear. My hands are so dry and peeling from the gloves and no amount of lotion is helping.

As for emotionally, I'm just such a mess. Take today for example, I'm off of work.  I should feel happy and relaxed and I do for the most part. However, I also feel like crying.  The release of emotions from having to keep them locked up while at work is just overwhelming. I try so hard to keep myself together while at work and try to stay strong but then it builds up and when I finally let it all out, I just feel like a mess.

It's not healthy for me to do this, but I don't have a choice.  In addition, on my days off, I just feel downright exhausted. No matter how much rest I seem to get, it never seems to be enough. I just feel so tired all the time. It's like my body just doesn't know how to react anymore.

I've been done with this job for weeks. I've been wanting out pretty much since I began.  Despite the fact that I'm young, my body is taking a toll and making me feel like I'm older than I actually am. I already had back problems before I began and now I feel like they've worsened. I also had problems with my feet before too. Putting myself and my body under this much physical activity can't be good for me either.
How much longer can my body take all this?

This job is just taking such a toll on me. I've already been broken emotionally and mentally. I get overwhelmed far too much and feel on the verge of an anxiety attack nearly every time I'm at work. My body doesn't feel like it'll take much more before it breaks down more than it already has.

I hate this job so much. I'm happier and more relaxed today because I'm not working. So that should say something.

I want this to end. I want someone else to hire me and now. I can't take anymore of this!! Please someone else hire me so I can quit!!