Dear Friend,
I’m writing this letter because I really don’t know what else
to do. I don’t know where else to turn to. I just could really use some advice
right now; some help making decisions. Some counsel.
I am struggling with many things at the moment. Mostly, I’m
struggling to find a job. I want to find a job and soon. But at the same time,
I worry about finding a job. My anxiety over the fact that I’m not ready or
will be good enough is holding me back some.
I’ve applied for at least 7 positions at this point. Out of
those 7 applications, I’ve only been selected for 1 interview. It’s been over 2
weeks now and I haven’t heard anything back saying if I got the job or not.
However, I’m assuming that I didn’t.
I’ve only heard back from 2 other positions saying that I
didn’t make it past the application point. One was a part-time job position
that I didn’t really want in the first place and the other was one that while I
wanted, I had put in for a while back ago and had already assumed that I hadn’t
gotten it since I’d heard nothing.
Frankly at this point, I’m tired. I’m getting more and more
discouraged. I’m losing motivation. Honestly I didn’t have much motivation to
begin with due to my anxiety but the more rejection I hear, the more I’m losing
the motivation to keep looking. I’m tired of doing all this work for what seems
like nothing.
I’m also just tired of all the waiting. Waiting for new
positions to open up, waiting to hear if I’ll get called for an interview, and waiting
to hear if I’ll get the job.
It’s really hard not to get discouraged. I want to find
something and soon for many reasons. For one, I’m moving back home with my
parents until I find something. That’s
already been decided. I can’t
financially stay in Denton anymore even though part of me would like to. I’m
not working and haven’t found a job yet.
I haven’t exactly been looking either but also I’ve been
home since the holidays which have made it nearly impossible to even look for a
part-time or temporary job in Denton so that I can stay. So I’m moving back home. There’s no other option
for me.
I’m really reluctant to move home though. Already the
questions about jobs and applying have begun from my parents and it’s getting
very annoying. I love my parents and
everything but I’ve also gotten to the point where I realize I need to live my
own life. Honestly, I miss that about
living in Denton. I miss being able to do my own thing and living my own life.
Sure it’s lonely sometimes. Sure sometimes I feel homesick.
It’s true that I call my mom on a daily basis and sometimes more than once a
day. But still, I miss being on my own.
I miss my own apartment and my own life.
I want to get that back and soon. I don’t want to stay here
in my hometown any longer than necessary. There’s nothing much here for me
which is one of the reasons I left. I knew I had to get away if I wanted to achieve
my goals in life. I couldn’t stay here. I love coming back but I don’t want to live
here that long if I can avoid it. The town hasn’t changed much since I
graduated high school. It’s small and comforting but there’s really not much
for me. Many of my friends that are still here, I feel like I barely know them
anymore. I’ve seen more than they have. I’ve experienced what life is like
outside of this small town. Honestly, I
don’t feel like I have much in common with them anymore. Really, I don’t
exactly have “friends” here anymore. Not really.
I want to get back to
my own life. I want to get settled somewhere so that I can start getting my
life back on track; start returning to normalcy.
There’s another reason for finding a job and soon. I’m being
pressured by my parents. I know I need
to find a job and believe me I’m trying. But it doesn’t seem like it’s
happening fast enough for my parents. Then there’s the fact that they keep
pressuring me to at least find something to do in the meantime.
This is hard for me because honestly, I don’t know what to
find especially around here; in this small town. I’ve said already how there isn’t much here
and I meant it. There isn’t much to do around in and not much in terms of jobs.
Sure you’ve got your usual fast food places and restaurants
but I really really don’t want to work in those places. I really don’t want to work
in Walmart either. I’ve heard too many things about it. There isn’t a whole lot
of other options for me. There’s also
the fact that I don’t even know what else I’d be good for. I’ve only ever
worked in libraries before. I’ve considered places like bookstores or perhaps some
sort of coffee shop or possible even a movie theater but there’s not exactly a
lot of places like that here in Alamogordo. What else is there? What else could
I do? What else would I enjoy doing?
My parents keep pressuring me to substitute in Elementary
schools. But the thing is that I really don’t want to do that. I just don’t
want to have anything to do with schools. Yes, I know I can chose the grade and
turn down offers if I wanted to but I just really really don’t want to do
it. I’m done with teaching and schools
and anything involving it. Frankly, the idea of substituting scares me. I don’t
want to deal with the discipline problems I’m sure to run into. Then there’s
the fact that sometimes you could become a long-term substitute and I don’t want
that. I don’t want to be put in a position like that.
I think really I’m just afraid to go back into a classroom
for any sort of teaching purposes. My student teaching taught me that I wasn’t
really meant for a classroom. That, and the fact that I didn’t get into the
Master’s program at Oklahoma State for not doing great in my Student Teaching
which was apparently one of the requirements. Or at least that’s the reasoning
they gave me for not getting accepted.
But my parents, they don’t get it. They don’t understand. To
them, anything I can find to make money for the time being will do. Even if it’s something I don’t want to do.
Even if it’s something I’ll be miserable doing. They just want me to find
something and soon. I can’t go without a job for much longer.
Just because I have my Elementary Education degree doesn’t
mean I want to do anything with it anymore. I know that sounds horrible but
what else do I say. By the time I
realized it wasn’t what I really wanted to do, it was far too late. I was
already in my last semester of the program and it wasn’t a viable option. I was
already so close to being finished.
Why I didn’t back out when I had the chance earlier? I’m not
entirely sure. But my parent’s still seem to want me to do something with my
degree. To them, they see my education degree and think I’d want to do
something with it and I don’t.
It’s almost like I’m being forced into doing something that
I don’t want to do.
Which is how I feel about another job position they are pressuring
me to apply for here. Not only them but everyone else who knows me and knows I
now have an MLS.
There is a job position here in my hometown at our public library.
It’s for a reference librarian. I don’t know how many times I’ve been approached
by people informing me about this job position and encouraging me to apply for
it. The truth is that I just don’t want
to apply for the job.
There’s many reasons why I don’t. I’m afraid mostly. I got my first job at the same library when I was
16. I was a Library Page for 2 ½ years before I moved away to attend college in
Oklahoma. My supervisor was really tough on me for some reason. She expected a
lot of me it seemed and when I didn’t measure up, I was reprimanded. A lot of
pressure was on me to do well. Other staff saw how I struggled and tried to be
as encouraging as possible. I made some
serious mistakes particularly whenever I worked the circulation desk, to the
point that I started getting extremely nervous and almost paranoid. Which didn’t
help matters any because then I’d make other mistakes. I usually learned from
mistakes thought and tried really hard to pay closer attention. I was actually
nervous to work the circulation desk especially when my supervisor was around.
It just wasn’t a very pleasant experience. Even now, my
supervisor makes me nervous despite the fact that I’m not working there
anymore. That I think is the reason I’m
afraid to go back. She’s still working there. Even though she wouldn’t exactly
be in charge of me as a Reference Librarian, still the fact that I’d be working
with her again doesn’t exactly thrill me.
It’s not that I wouldn’t get the job position if I applied.
I have a really good shot as it is: the fact that I’ve worked at this library
before, the fact that I already know the staff, and the fact that many people
know me in this town that have connections. I’m almost guaranteed the job it
seems. I’d have a great shot at getting hired. But therein lies my other
problem, a lot is already expected of me.
People already have high expectations of me and I’m afraid to let them
down. This is more of a personal
struggle though. It’s more of me being afraid to let people down.
Honestly it’s a position that I’m not exactly interested in
either. But I keep being pressured by people to apply for it. Apply so I can at
least get interview practice; I can always turn the job down. I don’t have to
stay here forever but at least I’d start getting experience which I need. It’s
a job. It’s a start; an in. All these reasoning’s are good and everything but
it still doesn’t motivate me any more to apply for the job. I still am extremely hesitant to apply.
Also I'm being told to apply for anything I can even if I don't quite meet the qualifications but I don't see the point. If I don't meet some of the qualifications why should I try to apply when my application is likely to be rejected right away?
Also I'm being told to apply for anything I can even if I don't quite meet the qualifications but I don't see the point. If I don't meet some of the qualifications why should I try to apply when my application is likely to be rejected right away?
A reference librarian would be a good start but I’m not sure
about it either. I worry about being good enough at the position. Right I’m
focusing on applying for Children’s and Youth Librarian positions because that’s
really what I want to do. That’s what I focused on in grad school. That’s what
I feel like I’m good enough at doing; what I’d feel most comfortable doing. But
the problem is that there haven’t been a whole lot of positions opening for such
librarians. I’ve applied for all the ones I feel like I’ve qualified for but
still. I realize that I’m going to have to expand my search but I don’t know
what else to apply for. I don’t know what else I’d feel comfortable applying
for. What else I’d qualify for, because honestly I don’t feel qualified in many
other areas.
During my grad classes, I took mostly youth librarianship
courses. I took a few other courses too. I took one Academic Libraries courses
as well as a course in Cataloging. I did well in both courses and passed both
classes with an “A”. I also took a School Librarianship course but did
miserable at it. I really struggled with it and ended up with a “C”. That ended
my idea of becoming a school librarian and quickly. I’m not pursuing that job
route anytime soon. But one class in
cataloging and one in Academic Libraries doesn’t seem to qualify me to work in
those type of job positions; At least not in my opinion. So then what do I do?
I need to know what else to apply for. I need more ideas. It’s
been suggested to me by some libraries that I apply for reference librarian
positions, public service librarians, or even adult services librarians;. They suggest that I could use my knowledge of
designing youth programming and use that knowledge to help develop adult
programs. But how do I begin applying for such positions when my true love and
desire lies in working with youth services? How do I change my thinking to make it sound
like I really want to work for adult services when in my heart, I’d rather work
with youth? How do I learn to feel comfortable working with adults when I’m
much more comfortable communicating with children?
I know I just need an in. I need to get into a library and
start from somewhere. I need to get the experience. I don’t have to give up
looking for my dream position but I need to at least get started. But how I go about doing that, I don’t know. I
just want to be happy with what I end up doing since I’m sure I’ll be in the
position for a while.
I’m so lost and confused. I need advice. I’m tired of all
the uncertainty of my future. I’m tired of being pressured. I just need help. I
need a friend who I can lean on right now. Someone who can help me sort through
all this mess and comfort me.
Which is why I wrote you this letter, whoever you are, I
really need you now. I need someone who
understands.
Please help.
Sincerely,
Ronda
