That's the best word to sum up about what seems to be half of my problems lately.
Just way too much pressure on me right now. People putting too much pressure on me and really I guess me putting a bit of pressure on myself.
I don't get it though. I'm no longer have school or classes to worry about. Graduation is over. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't feel all this pressure. Then again, maybe I should.
It's two days until Christmas and I'm home with my entire family. Nothing should be bothering me. I should be feeling happy and festive but I don't exactly. I feel a bit like this song "Where are you Christmas"? by Faith Hill currently applies. I don't exactly feel as Christmasy as I usually would. Still though, I should be fine. I should be happy and relaxed.
Yet for some reason, I'm still having feelings of anxiety. I'm still occasionally feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking down in tears over nothing.
Basically I'm experiencing some of the same fears I was back in Denton. I'm once again, dealing with some of the same fears I was confronting back in therapy. Of course being that I've been going on 2 weeks without therapy, I guess that would make sense.
I just mean that without having someone to talk about such issues with on a weekly basis will be difficult for the time being until I manage to find another therapist.
I know I need to and I want to. My therapist told me I should continue. My friend from Denton, when I talked to her last week, told me that I should continue. Even when I had a bit of a breakdown last night, my sister-in-law asked if I'd talked to someone about my feelings of anxiety.
Basically, people can tell I need to continue with therapy/counseling. They seem to realize that it's something that I really need right now.
But I don't know right now. I know I NEED to continue. That's really not the problem. The problem is that right now is just so uncertain (which is also part of my problems) with what's going to happen in the near future.With me not sure where I will eventually end up in terms of a job. I'm not sure how soon I'll even be able to find a job.
I don't really know if it'll even be worth it finding a therapist right now or waiting until I eventually get settled somewhere. I technically don't have one anymore. I mean, unless I somehow end up be able to stay in Denton for a little while longer but even that is uncertain how long I'd stay there.
I had one here that I saw for a few sessions back in January before I went back to Denton. However, I'm not sure if I really liked her. She was helpful but comparing her to the therapists I've had back in Denton, I didn't like her nearly as much. I don't really feel like I'd want to go back to here. Which means, I don't have much other options here in a small town. Really there's not a lot of option back here in my hometown. Not for any good therapists.
There's also the issue of having to start over not just once but twice. If I did find someone here, I'd have to explain everything again and then I may not be here long enough before moving and having to start over yet again. I just don't know if I'd be able to handle that. I don't want to have to do that. Which is why I'm thinking I'd rather wait for now. Just for some time.
I know it's not the best thing and that I really should be actively seeking for someone. Especially with everything going on lately and with how I've been feeling. However, at least for now this seems like the best option. Especially considering all my files from the clinics that would need to be sent. This would just be one more that I'd have to add to my list.
Ok, so I've spent most of blog post talking about things I've already talked about before. Things that really are only parts of what I really wanted to discuss and not actually what I wanted to discuss.
Ever since I got home, people have been congratulating me on my Master's degree and asking me if I've found a job yet. I am proud of what I've accomplished. I am. But at the same time all these people being proud of me, makes me feel a bit pressured. Like they expect me to do great things with my Master's degree.
Then there's the fact that all these people are talking to me about jobs. I'm tired of hearing about this. Hearing about how I should be keeping my options open more. How I should consider possibly putting my Elementary Education degree to use. Teaching in a school in the meantime while looking at library positions. That I shouldn't focus so much on a public library and youth services. That I'm basically limiting my possible job options.
It's all just too much for me. Too much for me to handle. Too much pressure!
I'm tired of people congratulating me because it feels as though they expect me to do great things with my new degree. I'm glad they are proud of me and everything but now it feels that I have expectations to live up to.
Which is one reason I'm not intending on applying for the Reference Librarian position that is available here at my hometown public library. First of all, I don't really want the position in the first place. Second, I've already worked for the city once before and it's not exactly ideal. Not here at least. But mainly, I don't want to apply for a postion in a place where I'm already known by the staff.
Sure that might seem like a good thing but I don't see it as being very positive. I see it being more of a detriment. Sure I might have a good shot of landing the position should I apply but it would be adding pressure to me. I worked there once before. The staff know me and many know my work ethic. I was a hard worker but I admit I make some mistakes and some were pretty major. I also wasn't the best worker or at least I wouldn't claim that. I slacked off at times. I'd be going in with high expectations from people already and having to try and live up to that would just be too much for me to handle.
I'd feel like I'd have to be "perfect" and be afraid to fail. Even though I would be new at this type of position and they'd know I wouldn't be perfect. I'd be afraid to let them down. Just because they knew me already, I'd feel like the expectations would be different.
I'd rather start fresh somewhere. Where hardly anyone knew me or my work ethic. Not that I'm a bad worker or anything. Still though, I just feel like it would be easier to start somewhere where I wasn't already known for that long.
If any of that makes sense.
It's just the pressure that's been getting to me lately. That and my fear of not being able to find the right job and essentially "growing up". Not to mention my "perfectionist" nature. There's just a lot going on with me. A lot of fears and anxiety for me to handle. Yet somehow, I'm trying to handle it.
I know everything will work out in the end. I still don't see how though but I have to trust that it will.
Still though, I wish I didn't have all this pressure to deal with.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Guilt and Uncertainty
Today was my last session at the Psychology Clinic here at UNT. My last session at any clinic for awhile.
Guilt and uncertainty are the words to best summarize today’s final session.
Guilt over the fact that I really wish I could have another semester to work with my therapist. I feel like we were making great progress together. We've worked on so much together and I feel as though we were starting to get more into things but now I'm leaving.
I feel so guilty leaving her and I know she wishes we had more time together. It's such a shame we only had this semester together. I know there are things she could help me with; we could continue progressing with.
I feel guilty over the fact that we were making such progress. I feel guilty over the fact that we've only been together for a semester especially when I was already at the clinic for a year already prior to meeting her.
We discussed a lot.; finished up things. Talked a little bit about therapy in general and how things very from session to session and how it takes awhile for things to improve. Things that I worked on the previous semesters might not apply so much this semester. Basically, I guess she was trying to point out that just because I dealt with things already in therapy, that doesn't mean things were essentially "done"; that I was essentially "done" dealing with them.I told her about the quote and how I felt it applied a lot to my current situation and she agreed.
We talked about this semester and if I felt I made progress. I told her I have. Things have certainly gotten better. Things will continue to improve though. I hope so.
I just really wish I could stay with her for another semester. I know given the chance both of us would take advantage of it. I can almost guarantee that she and I both would benefit immensely from me being able to stay. She could continue working with me and possibly we'd be able to essentially "fix me"; resolve all my problems.
I feel that given another semester at the Psychology Clinic here, I'd be able to get better. Get back to a good place in my life with her help. Who knows, perhaps if I stayed here, there would be a chance that by the end of the semester, I'd no longer need therapy for awhile.
I can dream can't I? But unfortunately, that's not likely to happen. Not unless some miracle happens and I end up somehow finding a job here in Denton for the semester while I'm at the same time working on finding a full-time job.
Still though, I do plan on continuing therapy. Somewhere. Somehow. I need to.
That much my therapist emphasized. She really wants me to find someone to continue my progress. She doesn't want me losing everything I've worked so hard to improve.
Uncertainty summarizes everything else discussed in therapy. My therapist picked up on that fact almost immediately. She could just sense how uncertain I felt; the most I’ve felt all semester.
It's horrible feeling this way but that's how it is. I'm so uncertain about everything. I don't know what to do anymore.
Everything is ending and it's almost overwhelming me. Therapy is ending, my life as I know it is essentially ending, I'll be moving, and then there's graduation. Just a lot going on at once.
I'm afraid. Afraid of leaving therapy. Afraid of what's to come.
We've made so much progress that it's hard for me to essentially start again. I've started over so many times but for what is perhaps the first time, I don't want to start over. I'd much rather not start over. I'm at a point where I feel that given one more semester, we could resolve a lot of my problems.
That would mean that I would have been at the Clinic for 2 years by that point and 2 years of continuous therapy would probably be enough for me to get back on track.
That's why I'm actually a bit leary about even finding someone when I go back home. Starting over with someone again there and the having to start over AGAIN when I eventually end up somewhere. Depending on how long it takes, it may or may not be worth it. Especially being that I'd have to have all my records sent from place to place.
I just have a lot of things on my mind; a lot of decisions to make and don't really know what to chose. Which was one of the other things my therapist pointed out to me. She felt as though I was pulling her into making a decision for me which she can't do and I know she can't but I guess I still kinda want her to. I need some guidance on how I can make such decisions myself.
I have a lot of things to think about in the upcoming days and weeks. Things that won't be easy but I have to do them regardless.
There's also a slight fear I have regarding the fact that I feel like I'm slowly on a decline. Like I'm slowly getting closer and closer to a nervous breakdown. I really think it's a possibility and it does worry me a bit.
I mean, I feel like I've made progress but at the same time I feel like I'm slowly going backwards if that makes sense. It's almost like I am starting to develop depression or anxiety. Like the supposed "borderline" is slowly becoming less so and more like a full on depression. Still though, I haven't been officially diagnosed yet.
The thing is that today my therapist asked me if I felt less interested in things. I didn't exactly give her an answer now that I think about it. I mean, I don't feel like I've lost a lot of interest in things. Not exactly I mean.
But now that I think about it, I wasn't being entirely truthful either. I have lost some interest in things. Not on purpose but more like I just have a lot on my mind lately and haven't really thought about them.
I've kinda lost interest in singing and playing my piano. In a lesser sense, I've lost some interest in the Internet and particularly social media sites. Mostly though, that's because no one really talks to me much anymore online so I don't see the point.
I still have things I enjoy and really I wouldn't say that I've lost interest entirely but perhaps the interest has dwindled somewhat.
There's also the fact that I basically admitted to her that I haven't felt really happy in some time. I mean I just feel ok. Not sad exactly but not happy exactly.
I'm not trying to self-diagnose but perhaps I do have a bit of depression. Maybe it's escalated that far by now?
I don't know. What's going to happen now? I really don't know. That's perhaps the scariest part of all.
Part of me wishes I could stay here just to find out. It seems like at least here I have a chance at finding an answer.
Guilt and uncertainty are the words to best summarize today’s final session.
Guilt over the fact that I really wish I could have another semester to work with my therapist. I feel like we were making great progress together. We've worked on so much together and I feel as though we were starting to get more into things but now I'm leaving.
I feel so guilty leaving her and I know she wishes we had more time together. It's such a shame we only had this semester together. I know there are things she could help me with; we could continue progressing with.
I feel guilty over the fact that we were making such progress. I feel guilty over the fact that we've only been together for a semester especially when I was already at the clinic for a year already prior to meeting her.
We discussed a lot.; finished up things. Talked a little bit about therapy in general and how things very from session to session and how it takes awhile for things to improve. Things that I worked on the previous semesters might not apply so much this semester. Basically, I guess she was trying to point out that just because I dealt with things already in therapy, that doesn't mean things were essentially "done"; that I was essentially "done" dealing with them.I told her about the quote and how I felt it applied a lot to my current situation and she agreed.
We talked about this semester and if I felt I made progress. I told her I have. Things have certainly gotten better. Things will continue to improve though. I hope so.
I just really wish I could stay with her for another semester. I know given the chance both of us would take advantage of it. I can almost guarantee that she and I both would benefit immensely from me being able to stay. She could continue working with me and possibly we'd be able to essentially "fix me"; resolve all my problems.
I feel that given another semester at the Psychology Clinic here, I'd be able to get better. Get back to a good place in my life with her help. Who knows, perhaps if I stayed here, there would be a chance that by the end of the semester, I'd no longer need therapy for awhile.
I can dream can't I? But unfortunately, that's not likely to happen. Not unless some miracle happens and I end up somehow finding a job here in Denton for the semester while I'm at the same time working on finding a full-time job.
Still though, I do plan on continuing therapy. Somewhere. Somehow. I need to.
That much my therapist emphasized. She really wants me to find someone to continue my progress. She doesn't want me losing everything I've worked so hard to improve.
Uncertainty summarizes everything else discussed in therapy. My therapist picked up on that fact almost immediately. She could just sense how uncertain I felt; the most I’ve felt all semester.
It's horrible feeling this way but that's how it is. I'm so uncertain about everything. I don't know what to do anymore.
Everything is ending and it's almost overwhelming me. Therapy is ending, my life as I know it is essentially ending, I'll be moving, and then there's graduation. Just a lot going on at once.
I'm afraid. Afraid of leaving therapy. Afraid of what's to come.
We've made so much progress that it's hard for me to essentially start again. I've started over so many times but for what is perhaps the first time, I don't want to start over. I'd much rather not start over. I'm at a point where I feel that given one more semester, we could resolve a lot of my problems.
That would mean that I would have been at the Clinic for 2 years by that point and 2 years of continuous therapy would probably be enough for me to get back on track.
That's why I'm actually a bit leary about even finding someone when I go back home. Starting over with someone again there and the having to start over AGAIN when I eventually end up somewhere. Depending on how long it takes, it may or may not be worth it. Especially being that I'd have to have all my records sent from place to place.
I just have a lot of things on my mind; a lot of decisions to make and don't really know what to chose. Which was one of the other things my therapist pointed out to me. She felt as though I was pulling her into making a decision for me which she can't do and I know she can't but I guess I still kinda want her to. I need some guidance on how I can make such decisions myself.
I have a lot of things to think about in the upcoming days and weeks. Things that won't be easy but I have to do them regardless.
There's also a slight fear I have regarding the fact that I feel like I'm slowly on a decline. Like I'm slowly getting closer and closer to a nervous breakdown. I really think it's a possibility and it does worry me a bit.
I mean, I feel like I've made progress but at the same time I feel like I'm slowly going backwards if that makes sense. It's almost like I am starting to develop depression or anxiety. Like the supposed "borderline" is slowly becoming less so and more like a full on depression. Still though, I haven't been officially diagnosed yet.
The thing is that today my therapist asked me if I felt less interested in things. I didn't exactly give her an answer now that I think about it. I mean, I don't feel like I've lost a lot of interest in things. Not exactly I mean.
But now that I think about it, I wasn't being entirely truthful either. I have lost some interest in things. Not on purpose but more like I just have a lot on my mind lately and haven't really thought about them.
I've kinda lost interest in singing and playing my piano. In a lesser sense, I've lost some interest in the Internet and particularly social media sites. Mostly though, that's because no one really talks to me much anymore online so I don't see the point.
I still have things I enjoy and really I wouldn't say that I've lost interest entirely but perhaps the interest has dwindled somewhat.
There's also the fact that I basically admitted to her that I haven't felt really happy in some time. I mean I just feel ok. Not sad exactly but not happy exactly.
I'm not trying to self-diagnose but perhaps I do have a bit of depression. Maybe it's escalated that far by now?
I don't know. What's going to happen now? I really don't know. That's perhaps the scariest part of all.
Part of me wishes I could stay here just to find out. It seems like at least here I have a chance at finding an answer.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Revealing Secrets: More thoughts
I feel as though I've been blogging so much about therapy and counseling and topics involving the two that I'm starting to come off as annoying.
I've been doing a lot of thinking since yesterday's session. I revealed a lot to my therapist and now I'm feeling a bit of guilt over what I did reveal.
I know I talked about this a lot yesterday but I'm still thinking about it today. It hasn't gone away.
The thing is that I feel that perhaps my therapist might think it sounds like I might have been abused a bit as a child. Maybe looking at it now, it could be considered to be a bit abusive what happened. But the thing is that I don't see it as such. I mean I still cringe thinking about the punishment but I know the reasoning behind what brought on the punishment. Basically it wasn't an unjust punishment.
There were legitimate reasons for me receiving the punishment I did. I messed up big time and therefore I had to be punished and for me, this happened to be the punishment.
It wasn't the punishment for every single thing I did. But if I did something major in terms of messing up, this was the punishment received.
The punishment wasn't something that just happened. It happened for a reason. It wasn't like I was punished like this every single day. I didn't get punished like this for spilling something or breaking something on accident.
I'm also a bit concerned that I made my father sound like he was very unsupportive of me as a child; like he was disappointed with me. Again though, it's not the case.
Yes, I know he was disappointed with the fact that neither my brother nor I not even my nephew turned out to be athletes. He was into sports and athletics growing up. He was a Physical Education teacher for 32 years at the Elementary schools. Unfortunately, none of us shared the same enjoyment of sports he did. None of us were interested in sports. None of us turned out to be very athletic like he was.
But I didn't sense this disappointment as a child. I don't ever really remember feeling it so much. I'm not saying that I never felt like I was a disappointment to my dad because I wasn't in sports. What I'm saying is that it wasn't something that bothered me until I grew older and starting looking back at things. Basically it's something I've been giving a lot more thought since being in therapy. Trying to figure out some possible causes for some of my problems.
There was also the fact that my dad did comment a few times on my weight growing up. He still comments on it. I've generally been happy with my weight. I'm healthy. My doctors haven't been too concerned with my weight and neither have I. I'm not terribly overweight but I'm not skinny. I'm average. I'm not athletic or into exercising a lot. But I don't eat a lot of bad food; I eat pretty healthily actually and while I don't exactly exercise, I do move around. Plus I do a bit of walking.
Again though, I feel like I've made my dad out to be emotional abuse but again, he's not.
The truth is that growing up as a child, I felt loved. I felt like my parents were generally proud of me and supportive of me. They were concerned for me. I struggled with friendships and with some school subjects and my parents were there for me. They tried to help me. When I was being picked on at the Recreation Center and would come home miserable, they didn't ignore me. They went and talked to the counselors there and got things straightened out. Whenever I struggled in school or was misbehaving they'd talk to the teacher and get things worked out. I don't ever remember feeling scared or neglected or abused in any sense.
The only time I was ever scared of my father was when I got into big trouble at school. I knew what punishment I was going to get and that's what scared me. Sure my father was stricter than my mother and I learned that at a young age but still I loved my dad a lot. It wasn't until I grew much older that I began really looking back at everything and realizing all this.
There is something I didn't really tell my therapist yesterday when telling her about the punishment. She asked questions about it. She wanted to know more about it; what exactly it involved. I told her as much as I could remember: I remember laying on my parents bed already scared because I knew what was coming. I remember dreading my dad coming home. I remember my dad coming in and already I would be crying and felt scared so scared. I remember my mom telling my dad what I did and I remember hearing his footsteps coming down the hallway; the sound of him taking off his belt. I remember just crying out and saying "No! No! No!" before he would spank me and while he was spanking me. It was awful. It didn't last long and he really didn't hit me that hard.
I'm pretty sure I had pants on whenever he would spank me but I can't be too sure. I remember having some sort of protection from the belt but what exactly I had on besides my underwear, I can't even be sure. It's painful just writing this down. It's a memory I'd rather repress if only I could.
My therapist asked me if he left any marks or anything when my dad would spank me with his belt. At the time I told her nothing physically, emotionally though yes. But afterwards, I got to thinking more about it and I realized there were some marks if even just temporary. I remember my bottom stinging and being sore. I remember there would be red marks from where the belt had hit me. But all this was temporary and went away. Usually by the next day, everything was fine. I can't ever remember having bruises from where I was spanked by the belt.
I'll probably mention all this to my therapist next week. I feel like I need to tell her now. I feel like I need to explain more. It sounds horrible but it's the truth. It's how it was.
Again, it makes it sounds like my dad was a terrible person but I can assure you he wasn't. I loved my dad as a child and I still love him now. Though it can't be denied that our relationship isn't as close as it could be and this being probably one of the reasons why.
I do feel as though he expect a lot of me though. Like he expects me to be someone I'm not; do things I don't want to do and that he is disappointed because I'm not. Again though, this is only as I've gotten older; become an adult, that I've felt like this.
The thing that still gets me is that my parents were punished the same way as children and yet they seem to have turned out ok. Yet my brother and I both have had mental health issues. My brother more so than me but obviously I have some problems too otherwise I wouldn't be in therapy right now. I'm starting to think that both of us were just more sensitive to such things. Perhaps both of us were just sensitive children and this type of punishment had a greater impact on us. Or at least on me it seems. I've just come to accept that I'm probably just a highly sensitive person.
I've just been thinking a lot about this. I'm realizing just how much perhaps I've been influenced by what my parents did while raising me.
I've been doing a lot of thinking since yesterday's session. I revealed a lot to my therapist and now I'm feeling a bit of guilt over what I did reveal.
I know I talked about this a lot yesterday but I'm still thinking about it today. It hasn't gone away.
The thing is that I feel that perhaps my therapist might think it sounds like I might have been abused a bit as a child. Maybe looking at it now, it could be considered to be a bit abusive what happened. But the thing is that I don't see it as such. I mean I still cringe thinking about the punishment but I know the reasoning behind what brought on the punishment. Basically it wasn't an unjust punishment.
There were legitimate reasons for me receiving the punishment I did. I messed up big time and therefore I had to be punished and for me, this happened to be the punishment.
It wasn't the punishment for every single thing I did. But if I did something major in terms of messing up, this was the punishment received.
The punishment wasn't something that just happened. It happened for a reason. It wasn't like I was punished like this every single day. I didn't get punished like this for spilling something or breaking something on accident.
I'm also a bit concerned that I made my father sound like he was very unsupportive of me as a child; like he was disappointed with me. Again though, it's not the case.
Yes, I know he was disappointed with the fact that neither my brother nor I not even my nephew turned out to be athletes. He was into sports and athletics growing up. He was a Physical Education teacher for 32 years at the Elementary schools. Unfortunately, none of us shared the same enjoyment of sports he did. None of us were interested in sports. None of us turned out to be very athletic like he was.
But I didn't sense this disappointment as a child. I don't ever really remember feeling it so much. I'm not saying that I never felt like I was a disappointment to my dad because I wasn't in sports. What I'm saying is that it wasn't something that bothered me until I grew older and starting looking back at things. Basically it's something I've been giving a lot more thought since being in therapy. Trying to figure out some possible causes for some of my problems.
There was also the fact that my dad did comment a few times on my weight growing up. He still comments on it. I've generally been happy with my weight. I'm healthy. My doctors haven't been too concerned with my weight and neither have I. I'm not terribly overweight but I'm not skinny. I'm average. I'm not athletic or into exercising a lot. But I don't eat a lot of bad food; I eat pretty healthily actually and while I don't exactly exercise, I do move around. Plus I do a bit of walking.
Again though, I feel like I've made my dad out to be emotional abuse but again, he's not.
The truth is that growing up as a child, I felt loved. I felt like my parents were generally proud of me and supportive of me. They were concerned for me. I struggled with friendships and with some school subjects and my parents were there for me. They tried to help me. When I was being picked on at the Recreation Center and would come home miserable, they didn't ignore me. They went and talked to the counselors there and got things straightened out. Whenever I struggled in school or was misbehaving they'd talk to the teacher and get things worked out. I don't ever remember feeling scared or neglected or abused in any sense.
The only time I was ever scared of my father was when I got into big trouble at school. I knew what punishment I was going to get and that's what scared me. Sure my father was stricter than my mother and I learned that at a young age but still I loved my dad a lot. It wasn't until I grew much older that I began really looking back at everything and realizing all this.
There is something I didn't really tell my therapist yesterday when telling her about the punishment. She asked questions about it. She wanted to know more about it; what exactly it involved. I told her as much as I could remember: I remember laying on my parents bed already scared because I knew what was coming. I remember dreading my dad coming home. I remember my dad coming in and already I would be crying and felt scared so scared. I remember my mom telling my dad what I did and I remember hearing his footsteps coming down the hallway; the sound of him taking off his belt. I remember just crying out and saying "No! No! No!" before he would spank me and while he was spanking me. It was awful. It didn't last long and he really didn't hit me that hard.
I'm pretty sure I had pants on whenever he would spank me but I can't be too sure. I remember having some sort of protection from the belt but what exactly I had on besides my underwear, I can't even be sure. It's painful just writing this down. It's a memory I'd rather repress if only I could.
My therapist asked me if he left any marks or anything when my dad would spank me with his belt. At the time I told her nothing physically, emotionally though yes. But afterwards, I got to thinking more about it and I realized there were some marks if even just temporary. I remember my bottom stinging and being sore. I remember there would be red marks from where the belt had hit me. But all this was temporary and went away. Usually by the next day, everything was fine. I can't ever remember having bruises from where I was spanked by the belt.
I'll probably mention all this to my therapist next week. I feel like I need to tell her now. I feel like I need to explain more. It sounds horrible but it's the truth. It's how it was.
Again, it makes it sounds like my dad was a terrible person but I can assure you he wasn't. I loved my dad as a child and I still love him now. Though it can't be denied that our relationship isn't as close as it could be and this being probably one of the reasons why.
I do feel as though he expect a lot of me though. Like he expects me to be someone I'm not; do things I don't want to do and that he is disappointed because I'm not. Again though, this is only as I've gotten older; become an adult, that I've felt like this.
The thing that still gets me is that my parents were punished the same way as children and yet they seem to have turned out ok. Yet my brother and I both have had mental health issues. My brother more so than me but obviously I have some problems too otherwise I wouldn't be in therapy right now. I'm starting to think that both of us were just more sensitive to such things. Perhaps both of us were just sensitive children and this type of punishment had a greater impact on us. Or at least on me it seems. I've just come to accept that I'm probably just a highly sensitive person.
I've just been thinking a lot about this. I'm realizing just how much perhaps I've been influenced by what my parents did while raising me.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Relief
That about sums up how I'm feeling right now. Just a huge sense of relief right now.
I feel lighter; a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel happier than I've felt perhaps in weeks. I just feel so much better emotionally. It's just such a wonderful feeling.
So today was another therapy session and I feel like progress was made today. I revealed some things to my therapist that I've struggled to mention to her before. Things that I revealed in a blog post last week. Writing it down seemed to help a lot. It made it much easier to tell her.
It was still extremely difficult to tell her and it was painful to talk about but I still told her. I even took the advice of my friend. With her encouragement and advice, I was finally able to reveal this part of myself to my therapist.
I felt like it opened things up for her. It felt like I had revealed such a big part of myself to her. It feels as though things came together for her. That things began to make much more sense. It explains so much about why things are the way they are now.
Our session began today by me just telling her that I feel like there's just a lot on my mind. Too much pressure going on. Too much happening all at once. How I've just been feeling tired; dejected and a bit annoyed by family.
But then she wanted to pick up from where we left off last week and that's when I just had to tell her.
I told her I'd thought about it and finally I just told her. It was extremely difficult revealing this information to her. It caused me emotional pain talking about it. I told her that I still cringe thinking about it.
This led to us talking more about my family. It was difficult talking about such things. But my therapist understood. She understood some of my fears and feelings about things. She understood that it was hard talking about certain things.
I find it hard to blame my parents for what they did but at the same time, it's hard not to blame them for some of my problems. They did the best they could as parents. They were punished similarly to how they punished my brother and I. But they did mess up and it's hard to admit that (or as my therapist put it "It's hard to admit they f'd up!* My therapist made me smile when she said this.She managed to get a laugh out of me which made me feel so much better).
At least she understood though; how difficult talking about family is; bringing family into the discussion. She understood that how difficult it is for me to admit that perhaps how my parents raised me is partly to blame for my problems. I know there are things my parents did that have impacted me now. I even told her that I'm comforted by the fact that my older brother also has some problems too. I think I was basically trying to point out that perhaps the way my parents raised us has a lot to do with the way both of us are now. Perhaps I was just trying to point out that it wasn't just me having problems.
Really though, today's session was just so powerful I felt. I felt like I was finally being honest with her. Like this was the last bit of me that I was holding back from her and now that I've told her, there's nothing left holding me back. I feel like being honest with her, makes me fully trust her now. I even told her some other things I hadn't told her before. I basically just revealed a lot today and I feel as though it told her a lot about me and just helped clarify things.
She even asked me at the end of our session, how I felt and I just told her that I felt relief. I felt better now that I was honest with her. She told me how proud she was of me because she knew none of this was easy for me to reveal.
I just feel great right now. It feels wonderful to finally have revealed that information to her. It helps her further help me too now that there's really nothing I'm holding back from her now. Together we can finally start putting things back together; start trying to make sense of everything.
If only we had more time. Unfortunately though, we only have 2 more sessions this semester.
My therapist did ask if I was planning on seeking therapy back home which answers one of the questions I've been secretly asking myself. She does think I should continue with therapy which makes me happy to hear that. It reassures me that I should continue. It reassures me that it would be a good idea for me to continue.
I told her I wasn't sure if I would continue when I was back home since I'm not sure I could find someone, but that I did intend to continue wherever I eventually ended up. We're going to talk more about this in one of our last two sessions.
Technically I've seen a counselor back home once already and she did help me but at the same time, I'm not sure if I'd want to return to her specifically. I feel like I need to find someone similar to my therapist now. Someone like the counselors/therapists I've seen while here at UNT. Specifically, I think I'd want someone like both my therapists at the Psychology Clinic have been. I mentioned how I'm pretty sure the type of therapy I'm in is called psychotherapy, this means that when looking for another therapist, this is probably what I need to focus on in order to get a therapist that's similar to what I have now. I just think they'll be better for me. So far, they seem to have been better for me.
Really though, in terms of my session this week. I just feel so much relief. So much better. This week's session just helped me so much emotionally.
*I don't normally curse as I've said before and normally I'm not too fond of other people cursing but this time was so much different. It doesn't make me see her as less credible or anything because she said that. It didn't bother me at all this time. I feel as though it honestly was the best description she could've used. Even thinking about it now, I'm still not bothered by it. Perhaps a little shocked initially by her saying it but not bothered by it at all.*
I feel lighter; a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel happier than I've felt perhaps in weeks. I just feel so much better emotionally. It's just such a wonderful feeling.
So today was another therapy session and I feel like progress was made today. I revealed some things to my therapist that I've struggled to mention to her before. Things that I revealed in a blog post last week. Writing it down seemed to help a lot. It made it much easier to tell her.
It was still extremely difficult to tell her and it was painful to talk about but I still told her. I even took the advice of my friend. With her encouragement and advice, I was finally able to reveal this part of myself to my therapist.
I felt like it opened things up for her. It felt like I had revealed such a big part of myself to her. It feels as though things came together for her. That things began to make much more sense. It explains so much about why things are the way they are now.
Our session began today by me just telling her that I feel like there's just a lot on my mind. Too much pressure going on. Too much happening all at once. How I've just been feeling tired; dejected and a bit annoyed by family.
But then she wanted to pick up from where we left off last week and that's when I just had to tell her.
I told her I'd thought about it and finally I just told her. It was extremely difficult revealing this information to her. It caused me emotional pain talking about it. I told her that I still cringe thinking about it.
This led to us talking more about my family. It was difficult talking about such things. But my therapist understood. She understood some of my fears and feelings about things. She understood that it was hard talking about certain things.
I find it hard to blame my parents for what they did but at the same time, it's hard not to blame them for some of my problems. They did the best they could as parents. They were punished similarly to how they punished my brother and I. But they did mess up and it's hard to admit that (or as my therapist put it "It's hard to admit they f'd up!* My therapist made me smile when she said this.She managed to get a laugh out of me which made me feel so much better).
At least she understood though; how difficult talking about family is; bringing family into the discussion. She understood that how difficult it is for me to admit that perhaps how my parents raised me is partly to blame for my problems. I know there are things my parents did that have impacted me now. I even told her that I'm comforted by the fact that my older brother also has some problems too. I think I was basically trying to point out that perhaps the way my parents raised us has a lot to do with the way both of us are now. Perhaps I was just trying to point out that it wasn't just me having problems.
Really though, today's session was just so powerful I felt. I felt like I was finally being honest with her. Like this was the last bit of me that I was holding back from her and now that I've told her, there's nothing left holding me back. I feel like being honest with her, makes me fully trust her now. I even told her some other things I hadn't told her before. I basically just revealed a lot today and I feel as though it told her a lot about me and just helped clarify things.
She even asked me at the end of our session, how I felt and I just told her that I felt relief. I felt better now that I was honest with her. She told me how proud she was of me because she knew none of this was easy for me to reveal.
I just feel great right now. It feels wonderful to finally have revealed that information to her. It helps her further help me too now that there's really nothing I'm holding back from her now. Together we can finally start putting things back together; start trying to make sense of everything.
If only we had more time. Unfortunately though, we only have 2 more sessions this semester.
My therapist did ask if I was planning on seeking therapy back home which answers one of the questions I've been secretly asking myself. She does think I should continue with therapy which makes me happy to hear that. It reassures me that I should continue. It reassures me that it would be a good idea for me to continue.
I told her I wasn't sure if I would continue when I was back home since I'm not sure I could find someone, but that I did intend to continue wherever I eventually ended up. We're going to talk more about this in one of our last two sessions.
Technically I've seen a counselor back home once already and she did help me but at the same time, I'm not sure if I'd want to return to her specifically. I feel like I need to find someone similar to my therapist now. Someone like the counselors/therapists I've seen while here at UNT. Specifically, I think I'd want someone like both my therapists at the Psychology Clinic have been. I mentioned how I'm pretty sure the type of therapy I'm in is called psychotherapy, this means that when looking for another therapist, this is probably what I need to focus on in order to get a therapist that's similar to what I have now. I just think they'll be better for me. So far, they seem to have been better for me.
Really though, in terms of my session this week. I just feel so much relief. So much better. This week's session just helped me so much emotionally.
*I don't normally curse as I've said before and normally I'm not too fond of other people cursing but this time was so much different. It doesn't make me see her as less credible or anything because she said that. It didn't bother me at all this time. I feel as though it honestly was the best description she could've used. Even thinking about it now, I'm still not bothered by it. Perhaps a little shocked initially by her saying it but not bothered by it at all.*
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Therapy/Counseling Talk
My mind has been thinking a lot this week. Most of it is things I've already mentioned previously. Also a lot of what's been on my mind is preparing myself for telling my therapist something on Wednesday.
Basically my mind hasn't stopped thinking about things. It's constantly thinking about them and never seems to really stop. Even at night sometimes. There's just far too much going on with my thoughts right now. A lot of looping of my thoughts.
This post is mostly just me emptying my thoughts and isn't very interesting. It's rather random. But if you want to read, go for it.
So like I've already said, in addition to mentally preparing myself for telling my therapist on Wednesday, I've just been doing a lot of thinking about therapy/counseling in general.
After my session last week, I went over to the Student Counseling and Testing Center to see if they would be willing to transfer my records over to the Psychology Clinic. I went to the center twice last year before they recommended me to the Psychology Clinic. They had me sign a form authorizing them to release my records. According to them, my last counselor there would most likely have the records over to the clinic by the beginning of this week. So probably tomorrow or Tuesday. He is just that quick with getting that information together is what they said.
Which is great news I think. If my counselor is as quick as they said he is, my therapist ought to have access to that information prior to my next session. That will give my therapist some more information. Although I'm not sure how much more it'll actually help her. Most of the stuff I talked about over at the other center has already been brought up again in my sessions at the Clinic.
Still though, it might be helpful. It might let her know what has been tried before in terms of helping me; what has and hasn't worked.
I'm doing this because I'm trying to consolidate all my counseling records in one place for easier access later. If I decide to seek another therapist wherever I eventually end up, they'll most likely want this information, therefore if I can get all the information in as few locations as possible, it'll be easier for them to get that information.
I already have all my records from therapy and counseling while here at UNT consolidated at the Psychology Clinic or at least I will hopefully after this week. After all, out of all my counseling, I've been at the Clinic the longest it would make sense to have all my information sent there.
However, I don't have my records from counseling while I was at Oklahoma State. I only went during the Fall 2009 semester. I tried calling last week and finding out if I could have them send the records to me and then take them to the clinic myself but they won't let me have access. They can only release the records directly to another clinic or doctor if I give them written permission. In order to do that I'd have to go in and sign a form. Unfortunately, I'm no longer living in the area and therefore I'd be unable to do that. I didn't tell them this either because I'm not sure how it would work anyways.
I thought about going to the Psychology Clinic and signing a form to have the records sent to them. In other words, given written consent for OSU counseling to release the records to them. However, I ultimately decided against it because of lack of time.
I'm in the process of moving right now. Well, trying to figure out where I'm going next and there's just not enough time for them to get that information before I leave. At least I don't think there is.
I only have 3 sessions left (2 after this week) and it's just not enough time I feel. I'm sure it would take just that long for OSU to get my records and send them to the Clinic. By the time the Clinic got the records, I would technically no longer be here. In other words, I'm not sure how much use it would be having me send the records over to them if I won't be going to sessions there anymore.
The only thing it might do is give them more information for my file. I'm not even sure if my therapist right now would get that information in time before our sessions ended. If I'd thought about this earlier in the semester, I would have had more time. Now I'm not sure if it would be even worth the effort to try. I just recently thought about how much easier it would be if all my records were in one place.
The thing is though that I don't quite understand why the OSU Counseling Center won't release the records even to me. I mean, I would think I'd have access to that information. I was the one who went in there seeking counseling. I know what was discussed in my sessions and what was suggested by my counselor then. I just think if it's me asking about my own records, I'd be able to access them! But no. They will only release information to another clinic or doctor with my written consent. I guess there's more to my records than I realized. Perhaps there are things that were written in my file that they don't want me to know about? I guess there's just things about my record that are too fragile to share even with me? Perhaps there's just certain information that even I'm not able to access or they have reasons they can't let me have access to my own records.
Yet at the same time I don't really understand it. When I asked the Counseling Center here about it, they didn't say I couldn't have access to my own records. Of course, I didn't specifically ask if I could get the information for myself. However, they did ask if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself or if I'd rather have them just send it over. I just told them to send the information directly over to them. Still though, it almost sounded like they'd let me have access to the information myself if I wanted it and gave written consent. After all, why would they ask me if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself if they didn't think I wouldn't look at it. Then again, they might have put it in a sealed envelope that if I opened it before the Clinic got it, would cause problems.
I guess I'm just curious why some places won't let me have access to my own mental health records. I mean, I think I'd want to know what it says. I mean, I discuss a lot in my sessions but what does it all say about me? What do my counselors and therapists summarize in their reports?What is even included in such records? I'd really like to know. I'm sure they have records of my sessions. Like the dates and such and how many sessions. Do they also have summaries of each session? Like what was discussed and what was suggested? Is there diagnostic information of things? Like do my records say something about social anxiety issues or struggles with a bit of depression? It's just something I'm curious about.
With only about 3 sessions left this semester, I'm starting to get really worried again and wondering if I'm going to need to continue with therapy wherever I end up. I mean, I think I will need to. I think I should continue. But at the same time, I'm wondering if I really should? I wonder if I should ask my therapist what she thinks. If I could stay with her for another semester, I would but that's not possible. I mean, I already feel a bit bad about the fact that I'll be leaving her after only working with her for a semester. I mean, I had my previous therapist for an entire school year. But her, I've only had this semester. Still, I wonder if I should just come right out and ask her what she thinks. If she thinks I should continue wherever I end up. I'm sure she'd tell me to continue on. My question is for how much longer? How much longer do I even need therapy? Will I ever be able to go without therapy again?
I mean I'm almost afraid to go without therapy now. I feel like my life is better with therapy and I know that once I get settled into a new place and a new career, my life won't magically get better. I know I probably will have new fears as well as some old ones. New problems might develop or some of my old problems may come back. I almost feel as though I'm using therapy because I don't know how to function without it anymore. It's helping me a great deal and I'm really afraid to go without it now.
It's almost like I'm scared for things to go back to normal and like I've said many times previously, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be back to normal again; if I'll ever be "fixed" or right ever again. I wonder what "normal" is anymore. As it is, I often can't remember what it was even like before therapy. Sometimes I wonder how I even survived so long without therapy.
My mind thinks a lot and can be extremely loud.
Basically my mind hasn't stopped thinking about things. It's constantly thinking about them and never seems to really stop. Even at night sometimes. There's just far too much going on with my thoughts right now. A lot of looping of my thoughts.
This post is mostly just me emptying my thoughts and isn't very interesting. It's rather random. But if you want to read, go for it.
So like I've already said, in addition to mentally preparing myself for telling my therapist on Wednesday, I've just been doing a lot of thinking about therapy/counseling in general.
After my session last week, I went over to the Student Counseling and Testing Center to see if they would be willing to transfer my records over to the Psychology Clinic. I went to the center twice last year before they recommended me to the Psychology Clinic. They had me sign a form authorizing them to release my records. According to them, my last counselor there would most likely have the records over to the clinic by the beginning of this week. So probably tomorrow or Tuesday. He is just that quick with getting that information together is what they said.
Which is great news I think. If my counselor is as quick as they said he is, my therapist ought to have access to that information prior to my next session. That will give my therapist some more information. Although I'm not sure how much more it'll actually help her. Most of the stuff I talked about over at the other center has already been brought up again in my sessions at the Clinic.
Still though, it might be helpful. It might let her know what has been tried before in terms of helping me; what has and hasn't worked.
I'm doing this because I'm trying to consolidate all my counseling records in one place for easier access later. If I decide to seek another therapist wherever I eventually end up, they'll most likely want this information, therefore if I can get all the information in as few locations as possible, it'll be easier for them to get that information.
I already have all my records from therapy and counseling while here at UNT consolidated at the Psychology Clinic or at least I will hopefully after this week. After all, out of all my counseling, I've been at the Clinic the longest it would make sense to have all my information sent there.
However, I don't have my records from counseling while I was at Oklahoma State. I only went during the Fall 2009 semester. I tried calling last week and finding out if I could have them send the records to me and then take them to the clinic myself but they won't let me have access. They can only release the records directly to another clinic or doctor if I give them written permission. In order to do that I'd have to go in and sign a form. Unfortunately, I'm no longer living in the area and therefore I'd be unable to do that. I didn't tell them this either because I'm not sure how it would work anyways.
I thought about going to the Psychology Clinic and signing a form to have the records sent to them. In other words, given written consent for OSU counseling to release the records to them. However, I ultimately decided against it because of lack of time.
I'm in the process of moving right now. Well, trying to figure out where I'm going next and there's just not enough time for them to get that information before I leave. At least I don't think there is.
I only have 3 sessions left (2 after this week) and it's just not enough time I feel. I'm sure it would take just that long for OSU to get my records and send them to the Clinic. By the time the Clinic got the records, I would technically no longer be here. In other words, I'm not sure how much use it would be having me send the records over to them if I won't be going to sessions there anymore.
The only thing it might do is give them more information for my file. I'm not even sure if my therapist right now would get that information in time before our sessions ended. If I'd thought about this earlier in the semester, I would have had more time. Now I'm not sure if it would be even worth the effort to try. I just recently thought about how much easier it would be if all my records were in one place.
The thing is though that I don't quite understand why the OSU Counseling Center won't release the records even to me. I mean, I would think I'd have access to that information. I was the one who went in there seeking counseling. I know what was discussed in my sessions and what was suggested by my counselor then. I just think if it's me asking about my own records, I'd be able to access them! But no. They will only release information to another clinic or doctor with my written consent. I guess there's more to my records than I realized. Perhaps there are things that were written in my file that they don't want me to know about? I guess there's just things about my record that are too fragile to share even with me? Perhaps there's just certain information that even I'm not able to access or they have reasons they can't let me have access to my own records.
Yet at the same time I don't really understand it. When I asked the Counseling Center here about it, they didn't say I couldn't have access to my own records. Of course, I didn't specifically ask if I could get the information for myself. However, they did ask if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself or if I'd rather have them just send it over. I just told them to send the information directly over to them. Still though, it almost sounded like they'd let me have access to the information myself if I wanted it and gave written consent. After all, why would they ask me if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself if they didn't think I wouldn't look at it. Then again, they might have put it in a sealed envelope that if I opened it before the Clinic got it, would cause problems.
I guess I'm just curious why some places won't let me have access to my own mental health records. I mean, I think I'd want to know what it says. I mean, I discuss a lot in my sessions but what does it all say about me? What do my counselors and therapists summarize in their reports?What is even included in such records? I'd really like to know. I'm sure they have records of my sessions. Like the dates and such and how many sessions. Do they also have summaries of each session? Like what was discussed and what was suggested? Is there diagnostic information of things? Like do my records say something about social anxiety issues or struggles with a bit of depression? It's just something I'm curious about.
With only about 3 sessions left this semester, I'm starting to get really worried again and wondering if I'm going to need to continue with therapy wherever I end up. I mean, I think I will need to. I think I should continue. But at the same time, I'm wondering if I really should? I wonder if I should ask my therapist what she thinks. If I could stay with her for another semester, I would but that's not possible. I mean, I already feel a bit bad about the fact that I'll be leaving her after only working with her for a semester. I mean, I had my previous therapist for an entire school year. But her, I've only had this semester. Still, I wonder if I should just come right out and ask her what she thinks. If she thinks I should continue wherever I end up. I'm sure she'd tell me to continue on. My question is for how much longer? How much longer do I even need therapy? Will I ever be able to go without therapy again?
I mean I'm almost afraid to go without therapy now. I feel like my life is better with therapy and I know that once I get settled into a new place and a new career, my life won't magically get better. I know I probably will have new fears as well as some old ones. New problems might develop or some of my old problems may come back. I almost feel as though I'm using therapy because I don't know how to function without it anymore. It's helping me a great deal and I'm really afraid to go without it now.
It's almost like I'm scared for things to go back to normal and like I've said many times previously, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be back to normal again; if I'll ever be "fixed" or right ever again. I wonder what "normal" is anymore. As it is, I often can't remember what it was even like before therapy. Sometimes I wonder how I even survived so long without therapy.
My mind thinks a lot and can be extremely loud.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Friendship and Feelings
I've got a lot on my mind right now. Which really isn't all that new.
However, I feel as though something has changed about me. Something is different and has been such since yesterday and specifically since last night.
Last night, I met up with someone with whom I'm Facebook friends with but had never met in person. In other words, we were strictly online friends.
I found this person through Tumblr several months back. The Tumblr was called "This is what a Librarian Looks Like" and is basically a Tumblr dedicated to breaking down the stereotypes of what a Librarian looks like. Librarians are shown hiking, riding motorcycles, with crazy colored hair and doing all sorts of things that people wouldn't think a librarian would do. Library science students and librarians of all types are invited to submit photos.
Well, this one person submitted a picture of herself wearing a Hufflepuff Team Captain Quidditch shirt. I recognized the shirt right away as I own the exact same one myself from Teefury. She also said how she was a SLIS (School of Library and Information Science) student at UNT (University of North Texas). Plus she said she loved Harry Potter! I was interested to know more about her right away based on the information she posted. Mostly the fact that she owned the same T-shirt as I did and was a grad student attending the same university as I was, was what got me intersted to know more about her.
I reblogged the post commenting on it and hoping that she would respond back but I didn't want to wait. Here was someone that I could potentially get to know more about and maybe even possibly get to be friends with.
So being the Librarian I am, I decided to search Facebook to see if perhaps she had a profile. I guess I figured someone who knew enough about Tumblr to submit a photo of themselves would have a higher chance of being on other social media sites too.
It turns out I was right. She did have a Facebook profile. It turns out that she was actually living in Denton which made me even happier. I sent her a message just saying hi and telling her that I'd seen her photo submission.
A few months later she responded back. It had taken her awhile because Facebook hadn't let her known she had a message for some reason. She also sent a friend request which I accepted right away.
From then on we were Facebook friends but it wasn't until the beginning of this semester that I considered perhaps meeting up with her in person. I've been looking for a friend here in Denton for some time now but hadn't had much luck. From what I knew about her, she seemed like someone I could be friends with in person. I figured I'd at least try.
So I asked her if we could meet up sometime. She agreed that we should meet up but unfortunately, she wasn't able to right at the beginning of the semester since she worked in the undergraduate admissions office and was extremely busy.
I wanted to give her time for things to calm down before we tried to meet up and so I let time go by. Eventually things just got really busy with me and I sorta forgot about it for awhile. I mean, I didn't exactly forget entirely but basically we were both just so busy with our own lives that it wasn't exactly a big priority at the moment.
I've been struggling with loneliness in addition to other things for the longest time. Loneliness increasingly so this semester. I've just really been wanting a friend this semester. Someone here that I could just call and talk to or even just to hang out with. But with so little time left before I graduated and moved, I didn't think I'd ever find someone and basically just started giving up.
Then things got really difficult for me this week. I guess things just reached a breaking point of sorts and I felt I could just really really use a friend. Therapy has been great and it certainly has helped but I only go once a week and sometimes it just seems like a really long time from one session to the next. Plus with only about an hour a week, sometimes not everything gets covered.
I just really need someone else to talk to. Someone close by. I can't talk to my family since they're actually part of some of my problems. All my other friends are way too far away to be of much help. My Oklahoma friends have lately been too busy with their own lives and own struggles to really be online when I've needed them. Basically at this point, I've just felt like I've been left alone. That no one is there for me when I need them. That no one really seems to care.
I've mostly kept this feeling of me feeling so alone to Twitter and Tumblr and here. I haven't really said much on Facebook. I'm not entirely sure why that is but I guess part of it is because I have family and good family friends on there. Perhaps I just never wanted them to be overly concerned about me when there was no real reason for concern. But on Monday, I finally posted something about it. I tried to be honest and just say how I could use a friend and how I've tried to find one without much luck.
Not long after that, I received a message from the fellow SLIS student. She had seen my status update and it reminded her that we still hadn't gotten together. She wanted to meet up and wanted to know when I'd be free in the evening. I told here I was free anytime and we set up a meeting at a coffee shop downtown for last night.
Last night, we met up and it was great. The only thing was that some random drunk guy joined us. He was a friendly guy though but he was just completely drunk and you could tell. He certainly made the conversation interesting. Despite this, I still had a good time.
I was a bit nervous prior to meeting her since I only knew from online. It's just how things are. Also since the last time I had met up with an online friend in Denton, things didn't exactly work out afterwards. I guess I was just hoping this time would be different.
But things went great and I felt at ease with her even with the random guy joining in. Afterwards, she asked if I was doing anything on Saturday and when I told her I wasn't, we made plans to meet up again. Honestly, I think we both just wanted to try again to get to know one another without having a random drunk guy join in.
I don't know what it is though but already I'm feeling better about things. I don't feel nearly as alone as I have before. Even though, I still really don't know her that well yet. Still there's something that tells me that she and I are going to get along just fine. I get a positive vibe from her and I think it helps knowing that she's going through some of the same things I have in terms of the Library program. That wasn't the case with the other two Denton people I'd met up with before.
She's also the same age as I am and again, that helps a great deal.
It's just weird I guess. I already feel much better about things and yet, I barely know her! One night of conversation in which it wasn't even just the 2 of us and already I feel different. I feel like things are starting to look up. Things just seem more positive. It's like I already feel a bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have a feeling that things will improve even more after Saturday.
I needed this to happen and now that it has, I can only hope that things are going to start improving. The downside is that I've probably finally found a friend and now I'll be leaving her. I plan to stay in contact with her though. Still though, if I had only been able to have found her earlier. Perhaps things would have been even better than they are now. I know they would have been. Some of the things I'm dealing with in therapy now probably wouldn't be problems.
My therapist this semester has been amazing and she's certainly been helping me a great deal. I feel as though things have certainly improved. In fact I'm actually a bit sad that I'm going to be moving when I feel as though we've begun making serious progress. I feel bad about having to leave her after only being with her for a semester and I wish that didn't have to happen. But it does.
She's done so much for me this semester and at least I know I have someone to talk to on a weekly basis. Still though, I know I need support from someone else other than her. That it would help to have someone else besides her that can support me and help me further. I need someone else I can trust and so far I haven't had that. So far I've had to deal with things all on my own without the support of anyone else. I need someone else to help me continue to improve. I hope I have finally found that here. I'm just tired of trying to handle things all on my own with what feels like no support from anyone else because I really don't have anyone else.
Between my therapy session on Wednesday and my meeting up with a new possible friend, already things seem to be doing better for me. Less stressful. I guess I just also needed to get out. I guess I've just been pretty much stuck inside my apartment too long that I don't really know what it's like to get out and be with other people. Again though, I haven't exactly had a lot of people to go out with either. Still though, it's what I needed and I'm extremely grateful for it.
I've just in general felt a lot better since yesterday. I feel less stressed. More relaxed. The pressure and stress I've been feeling the past few weeks is still there but it doesn't seem as bad right now. I think a combination of therapy and meeting up with someone has a lot to do with it (That and partly due to the fact that I went to the chiropractor for an adjustment today. I just feel very relaxed at the moment).
Switching topics here now, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately regarding therapy. I mentioned yesterday how my therapist noticed that I brushed over feeling inadequate; that she stopped me and ask me directly about it and that's when I broke down. It's happened before. I've mentioned how during other sessions she's asked me how I felt about things and I would give a long drawn out answer that didn't really answer the question. That I basically just gave a ran around and didn't really give an answer. I still trying to figure out why this is exactly. Why I just can't seem to give a straight answer about how I'm feeling. At least in conversations with my therapist that is. I seem to have no problems expressing how I feel in my writing. At least that's how it seems. Then again, I don't think I've really ever been able to express how I feel verbally to people. It's like I'd rather not talk about how I really feel. At least not in person. I'll express myself in my writing but when it comes to telling someone face to face how I feel, I can't seem to do it Which now that I think about it is actually partly why Twitter person got upset with me. I wrote about how I felt rather than actually telling her in person. Then again though, I really couldn't tell her in person since we didn't really hang out together. Also I'm not sure I would've be able to tell her how I really felt to her face.
Even when someone is trying to help me, I can't seem to tell them how I really feel emotionally. I mean, I should be telling my therapist exactly how I feel. She needs to know what I'm feeling in order to better understand the situation and to better be able to help me. She's asking because it's important.
Yet I don't get why I can't just be honest even with her. Again, I don't seem to have any problems writing about my emotions. Sometimes I wish I could just send her to this blog or even my Writing Tumblr blog. I honestly feel as though she'd gain a better understanding of me and my emotions about things that way than from me telling her. I feel that she'd find a lot more about me and pick up on patterns. Sometimes I just feel it would be easier that way. I just seem to be better at written expression rather than verbal expression. I just wish I knew why this is.
I want to be able to tell her how I honestly feel about things but I just seem to be unable to do so. I feel as though we had another breakthrough moment during our session on Wednesday so perhaps I'm getting there.
As of right now though, things just seem to be looking up. I'm hopeful that things continue that way.
However, I feel as though something has changed about me. Something is different and has been such since yesterday and specifically since last night.
Last night, I met up with someone with whom I'm Facebook friends with but had never met in person. In other words, we were strictly online friends.
I found this person through Tumblr several months back. The Tumblr was called "This is what a Librarian Looks Like" and is basically a Tumblr dedicated to breaking down the stereotypes of what a Librarian looks like. Librarians are shown hiking, riding motorcycles, with crazy colored hair and doing all sorts of things that people wouldn't think a librarian would do. Library science students and librarians of all types are invited to submit photos.
Well, this one person submitted a picture of herself wearing a Hufflepuff Team Captain Quidditch shirt. I recognized the shirt right away as I own the exact same one myself from Teefury. She also said how she was a SLIS (School of Library and Information Science) student at UNT (University of North Texas). Plus she said she loved Harry Potter! I was interested to know more about her right away based on the information she posted. Mostly the fact that she owned the same T-shirt as I did and was a grad student attending the same university as I was, was what got me intersted to know more about her.
I reblogged the post commenting on it and hoping that she would respond back but I didn't want to wait. Here was someone that I could potentially get to know more about and maybe even possibly get to be friends with.
So being the Librarian I am, I decided to search Facebook to see if perhaps she had a profile. I guess I figured someone who knew enough about Tumblr to submit a photo of themselves would have a higher chance of being on other social media sites too.
It turns out I was right. She did have a Facebook profile. It turns out that she was actually living in Denton which made me even happier. I sent her a message just saying hi and telling her that I'd seen her photo submission.
A few months later she responded back. It had taken her awhile because Facebook hadn't let her known she had a message for some reason. She also sent a friend request which I accepted right away.
From then on we were Facebook friends but it wasn't until the beginning of this semester that I considered perhaps meeting up with her in person. I've been looking for a friend here in Denton for some time now but hadn't had much luck. From what I knew about her, she seemed like someone I could be friends with in person. I figured I'd at least try.
So I asked her if we could meet up sometime. She agreed that we should meet up but unfortunately, she wasn't able to right at the beginning of the semester since she worked in the undergraduate admissions office and was extremely busy.
I wanted to give her time for things to calm down before we tried to meet up and so I let time go by. Eventually things just got really busy with me and I sorta forgot about it for awhile. I mean, I didn't exactly forget entirely but basically we were both just so busy with our own lives that it wasn't exactly a big priority at the moment.
I've been struggling with loneliness in addition to other things for the longest time. Loneliness increasingly so this semester. I've just really been wanting a friend this semester. Someone here that I could just call and talk to or even just to hang out with. But with so little time left before I graduated and moved, I didn't think I'd ever find someone and basically just started giving up.
Then things got really difficult for me this week. I guess things just reached a breaking point of sorts and I felt I could just really really use a friend. Therapy has been great and it certainly has helped but I only go once a week and sometimes it just seems like a really long time from one session to the next. Plus with only about an hour a week, sometimes not everything gets covered.
I just really need someone else to talk to. Someone close by. I can't talk to my family since they're actually part of some of my problems. All my other friends are way too far away to be of much help. My Oklahoma friends have lately been too busy with their own lives and own struggles to really be online when I've needed them. Basically at this point, I've just felt like I've been left alone. That no one is there for me when I need them. That no one really seems to care.
I've mostly kept this feeling of me feeling so alone to Twitter and Tumblr and here. I haven't really said much on Facebook. I'm not entirely sure why that is but I guess part of it is because I have family and good family friends on there. Perhaps I just never wanted them to be overly concerned about me when there was no real reason for concern. But on Monday, I finally posted something about it. I tried to be honest and just say how I could use a friend and how I've tried to find one without much luck.
Not long after that, I received a message from the fellow SLIS student. She had seen my status update and it reminded her that we still hadn't gotten together. She wanted to meet up and wanted to know when I'd be free in the evening. I told here I was free anytime and we set up a meeting at a coffee shop downtown for last night.
Last night, we met up and it was great. The only thing was that some random drunk guy joined us. He was a friendly guy though but he was just completely drunk and you could tell. He certainly made the conversation interesting. Despite this, I still had a good time.
I was a bit nervous prior to meeting her since I only knew from online. It's just how things are. Also since the last time I had met up with an online friend in Denton, things didn't exactly work out afterwards. I guess I was just hoping this time would be different.
But things went great and I felt at ease with her even with the random guy joining in. Afterwards, she asked if I was doing anything on Saturday and when I told her I wasn't, we made plans to meet up again. Honestly, I think we both just wanted to try again to get to know one another without having a random drunk guy join in.
I don't know what it is though but already I'm feeling better about things. I don't feel nearly as alone as I have before. Even though, I still really don't know her that well yet. Still there's something that tells me that she and I are going to get along just fine. I get a positive vibe from her and I think it helps knowing that she's going through some of the same things I have in terms of the Library program. That wasn't the case with the other two Denton people I'd met up with before.
She's also the same age as I am and again, that helps a great deal.
It's just weird I guess. I already feel much better about things and yet, I barely know her! One night of conversation in which it wasn't even just the 2 of us and already I feel different. I feel like things are starting to look up. Things just seem more positive. It's like I already feel a bit of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I have a feeling that things will improve even more after Saturday.
I needed this to happen and now that it has, I can only hope that things are going to start improving. The downside is that I've probably finally found a friend and now I'll be leaving her. I plan to stay in contact with her though. Still though, if I had only been able to have found her earlier. Perhaps things would have been even better than they are now. I know they would have been. Some of the things I'm dealing with in therapy now probably wouldn't be problems.
My therapist this semester has been amazing and she's certainly been helping me a great deal. I feel as though things have certainly improved. In fact I'm actually a bit sad that I'm going to be moving when I feel as though we've begun making serious progress. I feel bad about having to leave her after only being with her for a semester and I wish that didn't have to happen. But it does.
She's done so much for me this semester and at least I know I have someone to talk to on a weekly basis. Still though, I know I need support from someone else other than her. That it would help to have someone else besides her that can support me and help me further. I need someone else I can trust and so far I haven't had that. So far I've had to deal with things all on my own without the support of anyone else. I need someone else to help me continue to improve. I hope I have finally found that here. I'm just tired of trying to handle things all on my own with what feels like no support from anyone else because I really don't have anyone else.
Between my therapy session on Wednesday and my meeting up with a new possible friend, already things seem to be doing better for me. Less stressful. I guess I just also needed to get out. I guess I've just been pretty much stuck inside my apartment too long that I don't really know what it's like to get out and be with other people. Again though, I haven't exactly had a lot of people to go out with either. Still though, it's what I needed and I'm extremely grateful for it.
I've just in general felt a lot better since yesterday. I feel less stressed. More relaxed. The pressure and stress I've been feeling the past few weeks is still there but it doesn't seem as bad right now. I think a combination of therapy and meeting up with someone has a lot to do with it (That and partly due to the fact that I went to the chiropractor for an adjustment today. I just feel very relaxed at the moment).
Switching topics here now, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately regarding therapy. I mentioned yesterday how my therapist noticed that I brushed over feeling inadequate; that she stopped me and ask me directly about it and that's when I broke down. It's happened before. I've mentioned how during other sessions she's asked me how I felt about things and I would give a long drawn out answer that didn't really answer the question. That I basically just gave a ran around and didn't really give an answer. I still trying to figure out why this is exactly. Why I just can't seem to give a straight answer about how I'm feeling. At least in conversations with my therapist that is. I seem to have no problems expressing how I feel in my writing. At least that's how it seems. Then again, I don't think I've really ever been able to express how I feel verbally to people. It's like I'd rather not talk about how I really feel. At least not in person. I'll express myself in my writing but when it comes to telling someone face to face how I feel, I can't seem to do it Which now that I think about it is actually partly why Twitter person got upset with me. I wrote about how I felt rather than actually telling her in person. Then again though, I really couldn't tell her in person since we didn't really hang out together. Also I'm not sure I would've be able to tell her how I really felt to her face.
Even when someone is trying to help me, I can't seem to tell them how I really feel emotionally. I mean, I should be telling my therapist exactly how I feel. She needs to know what I'm feeling in order to better understand the situation and to better be able to help me. She's asking because it's important.
Yet I don't get why I can't just be honest even with her. Again, I don't seem to have any problems writing about my emotions. Sometimes I wish I could just send her to this blog or even my Writing Tumblr blog. I honestly feel as though she'd gain a better understanding of me and my emotions about things that way than from me telling her. I feel that she'd find a lot more about me and pick up on patterns. Sometimes I just feel it would be easier that way. I just seem to be better at written expression rather than verbal expression. I just wish I knew why this is.
I want to be able to tell her how I honestly feel about things but I just seem to be unable to do so. I feel as though we had another breakthrough moment during our session on Wednesday so perhaps I'm getting there.
As of right now though, things just seem to be looking up. I'm hopeful that things continue that way.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Stupid
Stupid.
Inadequate.
This is the takeaway from today's therapy session. This is what I must also reflect on this week.
How many people have felt these way? My guess is pretty much everyone at some point in their lives. Who hasn't felt stupid or inadequate?
The problem is that many of us know we aren't stupid but somehow we still believe we are.
This is me. I know I'm not stupid. I've certainly proven it enough through my education. I'm about to graduate with a Master's degree! I should know I'm not stupid!!
Yet for some reason, I still think I am. I still don't believe I'm not.
This week's therapy session was a bit of a breakthrough moment for both me and my therapist. In fact, I even made her emotional at one point.
I managed to keep my emotions mostly in check this week at least until we started talking about me feeling inadequate and then I just lost it completely.
As always, a lot was discussed prior to this. I honestly can't remember what we were discussing exactly before we got to talking about feeling inadequate.
I just remember talking about so much: being scared of growing up; making decisions; finding a job; feeling pressured by family. Being afraid to find a job because I was afraid I'd be thrown into something and not know how to do it.
It was at this point, my therapist asked about if there was a time where I was thrown into something and didn't know what to do which led me to bring up my School Library class in which she asked me to talk more about it. I just remember talking about it. Telling her how I struggled with it. Telling her how everyone else was in the School Library program and I wasn't. Telling her I felt like I was just thrown into something that I really didn't understand. I basically was telling her that I felt inadequate but not saying it directly and brushing over that fact. At some point, I was just talking about it when she stopped me and asked me if I felt like I was inadequate. She had noticed that I just brushed over the fact. That I didn't exactly say I felt inadequate so she asked me directly. I lost it. It hurt to admit that I did feel inadequate; that I felt stupid. I did feel like I was stupid. That was exactly how the class made me feel. I often said I felt stupid during the course of taking the class.
Hearing my therapist say it to me; point it out to me; was hard and I think that's really why I lost it. It was just really hard to admit that. It's always been hard for me to admit feeling stupid even though I've most certainly felt it. I've said it to myself too but it's different hearing someone say it to you and to understand where you're coming from; read between the lines essentially, it's just a little overwhelming.
It really hurt to say I felt stupid but it got me thinking about other times I've felt like this. I'm supposed to reflect and think about this. To be honest, I've already been thinking about this a lot since after our session. It's come to my attention that in reality, I think I've almost always felt stupid. Not all the time of course but when I struggled at something I certainly did.
For instance, when I had trouble with Math in school, I felt stupid because I just wasn't getting it. I remember being in 2nd grade and taking timed addition and subtraction tests, I never did very well.
I had to count my fingers which slowed me down. I did that a lot and still do sometimes when I have to add or subtract. I didn't have addition and subtraction facts down. It was mostly math class where I struggled and often I did feel stupid. Especially when I could see other classmates getting the concept but not me.
Then there's the time in High School where I struggled with European History AP. I just could not get the dates and information to stick in my brain for tests. Especially when we had to write essays for the tests. Again, I felt stupid because I'd see other people doing well but not me.
Could this be the reason I try so hard to do well? Because I want to prove I'm not stupid? Is that also why I'm so afraid of failing? Because I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid if I do fail?
I've never really considered this possibility. It's something that has been brought up as a possibility before but I've brushed it off a bit. I just didn't think it was really something to consider but perhaps it has more to do with it than I originally thought. I've feel like I've been searching for something more concrete. But what if this is the whole reason for things being the way they are?
I've mentioned that I was picked on as a kid and how the other girls in my girl scout troop often left me out of things. Could this be why? Because they thought I was stupid? Did perhaps at some point someone call me stupid and I felt that I had to prove to them I wasn't? Was there a point during the times I was picked on that someone called me stupid and did I just eventually come to believe it after awhile even though I knew I wasn't?
Again, I've been searching for something more concrete to explain my problems. Some sort of specific incident that could have led me to where I am now. Yet, what if there really is nothing concrete. What if it's just this? That I was called stupid at some point by someone being mean to me. Did it just happen so much that I eventually start believe it and retaliate by working harder to prove I wasn't? Could it just really be that simple of a solution?
And yet, there is that question: If it's so simple how and why did it cause such a problem for me? Many people have been called stupid. Many people have been picked on. If this is really the answer, then why did I react so differently? Why am I now struggling so much with being afraid of failing?
Could this really be the answer I've been searching for? Did something like this subconsciously impact me and I didn't realize it until now?
I've searched and searched and I've come up empty for a concrete solution.
I know I'm not stupid and yet, I guess I sometimes still feel like I am.
Inadequate.
This is the takeaway from today's therapy session. This is what I must also reflect on this week.
How many people have felt these way? My guess is pretty much everyone at some point in their lives. Who hasn't felt stupid or inadequate?
The problem is that many of us know we aren't stupid but somehow we still believe we are.
This is me. I know I'm not stupid. I've certainly proven it enough through my education. I'm about to graduate with a Master's degree! I should know I'm not stupid!!
Yet for some reason, I still think I am. I still don't believe I'm not.
This week's therapy session was a bit of a breakthrough moment for both me and my therapist. In fact, I even made her emotional at one point.
I managed to keep my emotions mostly in check this week at least until we started talking about me feeling inadequate and then I just lost it completely.
As always, a lot was discussed prior to this. I honestly can't remember what we were discussing exactly before we got to talking about feeling inadequate.
I just remember talking about so much: being scared of growing up; making decisions; finding a job; feeling pressured by family. Being afraid to find a job because I was afraid I'd be thrown into something and not know how to do it.
It was at this point, my therapist asked about if there was a time where I was thrown into something and didn't know what to do which led me to bring up my School Library class in which she asked me to talk more about it. I just remember talking about it. Telling her how I struggled with it. Telling her how everyone else was in the School Library program and I wasn't. Telling her I felt like I was just thrown into something that I really didn't understand. I basically was telling her that I felt inadequate but not saying it directly and brushing over that fact. At some point, I was just talking about it when she stopped me and asked me if I felt like I was inadequate. She had noticed that I just brushed over the fact. That I didn't exactly say I felt inadequate so she asked me directly. I lost it. It hurt to admit that I did feel inadequate; that I felt stupid. I did feel like I was stupid. That was exactly how the class made me feel. I often said I felt stupid during the course of taking the class.
Hearing my therapist say it to me; point it out to me; was hard and I think that's really why I lost it. It was just really hard to admit that. It's always been hard for me to admit feeling stupid even though I've most certainly felt it. I've said it to myself too but it's different hearing someone say it to you and to understand where you're coming from; read between the lines essentially, it's just a little overwhelming.
It really hurt to say I felt stupid but it got me thinking about other times I've felt like this. I'm supposed to reflect and think about this. To be honest, I've already been thinking about this a lot since after our session. It's come to my attention that in reality, I think I've almost always felt stupid. Not all the time of course but when I struggled at something I certainly did.
For instance, when I had trouble with Math in school, I felt stupid because I just wasn't getting it. I remember being in 2nd grade and taking timed addition and subtraction tests, I never did very well.
I had to count my fingers which slowed me down. I did that a lot and still do sometimes when I have to add or subtract. I didn't have addition and subtraction facts down. It was mostly math class where I struggled and often I did feel stupid. Especially when I could see other classmates getting the concept but not me.
Then there's the time in High School where I struggled with European History AP. I just could not get the dates and information to stick in my brain for tests. Especially when we had to write essays for the tests. Again, I felt stupid because I'd see other people doing well but not me.
Could this be the reason I try so hard to do well? Because I want to prove I'm not stupid? Is that also why I'm so afraid of failing? Because I'm afraid people will think I'm stupid if I do fail?
I've never really considered this possibility. It's something that has been brought up as a possibility before but I've brushed it off a bit. I just didn't think it was really something to consider but perhaps it has more to do with it than I originally thought. I've feel like I've been searching for something more concrete. But what if this is the whole reason for things being the way they are?
I've mentioned that I was picked on as a kid and how the other girls in my girl scout troop often left me out of things. Could this be why? Because they thought I was stupid? Did perhaps at some point someone call me stupid and I felt that I had to prove to them I wasn't? Was there a point during the times I was picked on that someone called me stupid and did I just eventually come to believe it after awhile even though I knew I wasn't?
Again, I've been searching for something more concrete to explain my problems. Some sort of specific incident that could have led me to where I am now. Yet, what if there really is nothing concrete. What if it's just this? That I was called stupid at some point by someone being mean to me. Did it just happen so much that I eventually start believe it and retaliate by working harder to prove I wasn't? Could it just really be that simple of a solution?
And yet, there is that question: If it's so simple how and why did it cause such a problem for me? Many people have been called stupid. Many people have been picked on. If this is really the answer, then why did I react so differently? Why am I now struggling so much with being afraid of failing?
Could this really be the answer I've been searching for? Did something like this subconsciously impact me and I didn't realize it until now?
I've searched and searched and I've come up empty for a concrete solution.
I know I'm not stupid and yet, I guess I sometimes still feel like I am.
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