A letter

Dear Friend,

I’m writing this letter because I really don’t know what else to do. I don’t know where else to turn to. I just could really use some advice right now; some help making decisions. Some counsel.

I am struggling with many things at the moment. Mostly, I’m struggling to find a job. I want to find a job and soon. But at the same time, I worry about finding a job. My anxiety over the fact that I’m not ready or will be good enough is holding me back some.

I’ve applied for at least 7 positions at this point. Out of those 7 applications, I’ve only been selected for 1 interview. It’s been over 2 weeks now and I haven’t heard anything back saying if I got the job or not. However, I’m assuming that I didn’t.

I’ve only heard back from 2 other positions saying that I didn’t make it past the application point. One was a part-time job position that I didn’t really want in the first place and the other was one that while I wanted, I had put in for a while back ago and had already assumed that I hadn’t gotten it since I’d heard nothing.

Frankly at this point, I’m tired. I’m getting more and more discouraged. I’m losing motivation. Honestly I didn’t have much motivation to begin with due to my anxiety but the more rejection I hear, the more I’m losing the motivation to keep looking. I’m tired of doing all this work for what seems like nothing.

I’m also just tired of all the waiting. Waiting for new positions to open up, waiting to hear if I’ll get called for an interview, and waiting to hear if I’ll get the job.

It’s really hard not to get discouraged. I want to find something and soon for many reasons. For one, I’m moving back home with my parents until I find something.  That’s already been decided.  I can’t financially stay in Denton anymore even though part of me would like to. I’m not working and haven’t found a job yet.

I haven’t exactly been looking either but also I’ve been home since the holidays which have made it nearly impossible to even look for a part-time or temporary job in Denton so that I can stay. So  I’m moving back home. There’s no other option for me.

I’m really reluctant to move home though. Already the questions about jobs and applying have begun from my parents and it’s getting very annoying.  I love my parents and everything but I’ve also gotten to the point where I realize I need to live my own life.  Honestly, I miss that about living in Denton. I miss being able to do my own thing and living my own life.

Sure it’s lonely sometimes. Sure sometimes I feel homesick. It’s true that I call my mom on a daily basis and sometimes more than once a day. But still, I miss being on my own.  I miss my own apartment and my own life.

I want to get that back and soon. I don’t want to stay here in my hometown any longer than necessary. There’s nothing much here for me which is one of the reasons I left. I knew I had to get away if I wanted to achieve my goals in life. I couldn’t stay here.  I love coming back but I don’t want to live here that long if I can avoid it. The town hasn’t changed much since I graduated high school. It’s small and comforting but there’s really not much for me. Many of my friends that are still here, I feel like I barely know them anymore. I’ve seen more than they have. I’ve experienced what life is like outside of this small town.  Honestly, I don’t feel like I have much in common with them anymore. Really, I don’t exactly have “friends” here anymore. Not really.

 I want to get back to my own life. I want to get settled somewhere so that I can start getting my life back on track; start returning to normalcy. 

There’s another reason for finding a job and soon. I’m being pressured by my parents.  I know I need to find a job and believe me I’m trying. But it doesn’t seem like it’s happening fast enough for my parents. Then there’s the fact that they keep pressuring me to at least find something to do in the meantime.

This is hard for me because honestly, I don’t know what to find especially around here; in this small town.  I’ve said already how there isn’t much here and I meant it. There isn’t much to do around in and not much in terms of jobs.

Sure you’ve got your usual fast food places and restaurants but I really really don’t want to work in those places. I really don’t want to work in Walmart either. I’ve heard too many things about it. There isn’t a whole lot of other options for me.  There’s also the fact that I don’t even know what else I’d be good for. I’ve only ever worked in libraries before. I’ve considered places like bookstores or perhaps some sort of coffee shop or possible even a movie theater but there’s not exactly a lot of places like that here in Alamogordo. What else is there? What else could I do? What else would I enjoy doing?

My parents keep pressuring me to substitute in Elementary schools. But the thing is that I really don’t want to do that. I just don’t want to have anything to do with schools. Yes, I know I can chose the grade and turn down offers if I wanted to but I just really really don’t want to do it.  I’m done with teaching and schools and anything involving it. Frankly, the idea of substituting scares me. I don’t want to deal with the discipline problems I’m sure to run into. Then there’s the fact that sometimes you could become a long-term substitute and I don’t want that. I don’t want to be put in a position like that.

I think really I’m just afraid to go back into a classroom for any sort of teaching purposes. My student teaching taught me that I wasn’t really meant for a classroom. That, and the fact that I didn’t get into the Master’s program at Oklahoma State for not doing great in my Student Teaching which was apparently one of the requirements. Or at least that’s the reasoning they gave me for not getting accepted.

But my parents, they don’t get it. They don’t understand. To them, anything I can find to make money for the time being will do.  Even if it’s something I don’t want to do. Even if it’s something I’ll be miserable doing. They just want me to find something and soon. I can’t go without a job for much longer.

Just because I have my Elementary Education degree doesn’t mean I want to do anything with it anymore. I know that sounds horrible but what else do I say.  By the time I realized it wasn’t what I really wanted to do, it was far too late. I was already in my last semester of the program and it wasn’t a viable option. I was already so close to being finished.

Why I didn’t back out when I had the chance earlier? I’m not entirely sure. But my parent’s still seem to want me to do something with my degree. To them, they see my education degree and think I’d want to do something with it and I don’t.

It’s almost like I’m being forced into doing something that I don’t want to do.

Which is how I feel about another job position they are pressuring me to apply for here. Not only them but everyone else who knows me and knows I now have an MLS. 

There is a job position here in my hometown at our public library. It’s for a reference librarian. I don’t know how many times I’ve been approached by people informing me about this job position and encouraging me to apply for it.  The truth is that I just don’t want to apply for the job.  

There’s many reasons why I don’t. I’m afraid mostly.  I got my first job at the same library when I was 16. I was a Library Page for 2 ½ years before I moved away to attend college in Oklahoma. My supervisor was really tough on me for some reason. She expected a lot of me it seemed and when I didn’t measure up, I was reprimanded. A lot of pressure was on me to do well. Other staff saw how I struggled and tried to be as encouraging as possible.  I made some serious mistakes particularly whenever I worked the circulation desk, to the point that I started getting extremely nervous and almost paranoid. Which didn’t help matters any because then I’d make other mistakes. I usually learned from mistakes thought and tried really hard to pay closer attention. I was actually nervous to work the circulation desk especially when my supervisor was around.

It just wasn’t a very pleasant experience. Even now, my supervisor makes me nervous despite the fact that I’m not working there anymore.  That I think is the reason I’m afraid to go back. She’s still working there. Even though she wouldn’t exactly be in charge of me as a Reference Librarian, still the fact that I’d be working with her again doesn’t exactly thrill me.

It’s not that I wouldn’t get the job position if I applied. I have a really good shot as it is: the fact that I’ve worked at this library before, the fact that I already know the staff, and the fact that many people know me in this town that have connections. I’m almost guaranteed the job it seems. I’d have a great shot at getting hired. But therein lies my other problem, a lot is already expected of me.  People already have high expectations of me and I’m afraid to let them down.  This is more of a personal struggle though. It’s more of me being afraid to let people down.

Honestly it’s a position that I’m not exactly interested in either. But I keep being pressured by people to apply for it. Apply so I can at least get interview practice; I can always turn the job down. I don’t have to stay here forever but at least I’d start getting experience which I need. It’s a job. It’s a start; an in. All these reasoning’s are good and everything but it still doesn’t motivate me any more to apply for the job.  I still am extremely hesitant to apply. 
Also I'm being told to apply for anything I can even if I don't quite meet the qualifications but I don't see the point. If I don't meet some of the qualifications why should I try to apply when my application is likely to be rejected right away? 

A reference librarian would be a good start but I’m not sure about it either. I worry about being good enough at the position. Right I’m focusing on applying for Children’s and Youth Librarian positions because that’s really what I want to do. That’s what I focused on in grad school. That’s what I feel like I’m good enough at doing; what I’d feel most comfortable doing. But the problem is that there haven’t been a whole lot of positions opening for such librarians. I’ve applied for all the ones I feel like I’ve qualified for but still. I realize that I’m going to have to expand my search but I don’t know what else to apply for. I don’t know what else I’d feel comfortable applying for. What else I’d qualify for, because honestly I don’t feel qualified in many other areas. 

During my grad classes, I took mostly youth librarianship courses. I took a few other courses too. I took one Academic Libraries courses as well as a course in Cataloging. I did well in both courses and passed both classes with an “A”. I also took a School Librarianship course but did miserable at it. I really struggled with it and ended up with a “C”. That ended my idea of becoming a school librarian and quickly. I’m not pursuing that job route anytime soon.  But one class in cataloging and one in Academic Libraries doesn’t seem to qualify me to work in those type of job positions; At least not in my opinion. So then what do I do?

I need to know what else to apply for. I need more ideas. It’s been suggested to me by some libraries that I apply for reference librarian positions, public service librarians, or even adult services librarians;.  They suggest that I could use my knowledge of designing youth programming and use that knowledge to help develop adult programs. But how do I begin applying for such positions when my true love and desire lies in working with youth services?  How do I change my thinking to make it sound like I really want to work for adult services when in my heart, I’d rather work with youth? How do I learn to feel comfortable working with adults when I’m much more comfortable communicating with children?

I know I just need an in. I need to get into a library and start from somewhere. I need to get the experience. I don’t have to give up looking for my dream position but I need to at least get started.  But how I go about doing that, I don’t know. I just want to be happy with what I end up doing since I’m sure I’ll be in the position for a while.  

I’m so lost and confused. I need advice. I’m tired of all the uncertainty of my future. I’m tired of being pressured. I just need help. I need a friend who I can lean on right now. Someone who can help me sort through all this mess and comfort me.

Which is why I wrote you this letter, whoever you are, I really need you now.  I need someone who understands.

Please help.

Sincerely,

Ronda

Pressure

That's the best word to sum up about what seems to be half of my problems lately.

Just way too much pressure on me right now. People putting too much pressure on me and really I guess me putting a bit of pressure on myself.

I don't get it though. I'm no longer have school or classes to worry about.  Graduation is over. I shouldn't be feeling this way. I shouldn't feel all this pressure. Then again, maybe I should.

It's two days until Christmas and I'm home with my entire family. Nothing should be bothering me. I should be feeling happy and festive but I don't exactly. I feel a bit like this song "Where are you Christmas"? by Faith Hill currently applies. I don't exactly feel as Christmasy as I usually would. Still though, I should be fine. I should be happy and relaxed.

Yet for some reason, I'm still having feelings of anxiety. I'm still occasionally feeling like I'm on the verge of breaking down in tears over nothing.

Basically I'm experiencing some of the same fears I was back in Denton. I'm once again, dealing with some of the same fears I was confronting back in therapy. Of course being that I've been going on 2 weeks without therapy, I guess that would make sense.

I just mean that without having someone to talk about such issues with on a weekly basis will be difficult for the time being until I manage to find another therapist.

I know I need to and I want to. My therapist told me I should continue. My friend from Denton, when I talked to her last week, told me that I should continue.  Even when I had a bit of a breakdown last night, my sister-in-law asked if I'd talked to someone about my feelings of anxiety.

Basically, people can tell I need to continue with therapy/counseling. They seem to realize that it's something that I really need right now.

But I don't know right now. I know I NEED to continue. That's really not the problem. The problem is that right now is just so uncertain (which is also part of my problems) with what's going to happen in the near future.With me not sure where I will eventually end up in terms of a job. I'm not sure how soon I'll even be able to find a job. 

I don't really know if it'll even be worth it finding a therapist right now or waiting until I eventually get settled somewhere. I technically don't have one anymore. I mean, unless I somehow end up be able to stay in Denton for a little while longer but even that is uncertain how long I'd stay there.

I had one here that I saw for a few sessions back in January before I went back to Denton. However, I'm not sure if I really liked her. She was helpful but comparing her to the therapists I've had back in Denton, I didn't like her nearly as much. I don't really feel like I'd want to go back to here. Which means, I don't have much other options here in a small town. Really there's not a lot of option back here in my hometown. Not for any good therapists.

There's also the issue of having to start over not just once but twice. If I did find someone here, I'd have to explain everything again and then I may not be here long enough before moving and having to start over yet again. I just don't know if I'd be able to handle that. I don't want to have to do that. Which is why I'm thinking I'd rather wait for now. Just for some time.

I know it's not the best thing and that I really should be actively seeking for someone. Especially with everything going on lately and with how I've been feeling. However, at least for now this seems like the best option. Especially considering all my files from the clinics that would need to be sent. This would just be one more that I'd have to add to my list.

Ok, so I've spent most of blog post talking about things I've already talked about before. Things that really are only parts of what I really wanted to discuss and not actually what I wanted to discuss.

Ever since I got home, people have been congratulating me on my Master's degree and asking me if I've found a job yet. I am proud of what I've accomplished. I am. But at the same time all these people being proud of me, makes me feel a bit pressured. Like they expect me to do great things with my Master's degree.

Then there's the fact that all these people are talking to me about jobs. I'm tired of hearing about this. Hearing about how I should be keeping my options open more. How I should consider possibly putting my Elementary Education degree to use. Teaching in a school in the meantime while looking at library positions. That I shouldn't focus so much on a public library and youth services.  That I'm basically limiting my possible job options.

It's all just too much for me. Too much for me to handle. Too much pressure!
I'm tired of people congratulating me because it feels as though they expect me to do great things with my new degree. I'm glad they are proud of me and everything but now it feels that I have expectations to live up to.

Which is one reason I'm not intending on applying for the Reference Librarian position that is available here at my hometown public library.  First of all, I don't really want the position in the first place. Second, I've already worked for the city once before and it's not exactly ideal. Not here at least.  But mainly, I don't want to apply for a postion in a place where I'm already known by the staff.

Sure that might seem like a good thing but I don't see it as being very positive. I see it being more of a detriment.   Sure I might have a good shot of landing the position should I apply but it would be adding pressure to me. I worked there once before. The staff know me and many know my work ethic. I was a hard worker but I admit I make some mistakes and some were pretty major. I also wasn't the best worker or at least I wouldn't claim that. I slacked off at times.  I'd be going in with high expectations from people already and having to try and live up to that would just be too much for me to handle.

I'd feel like I'd have to be "perfect" and be afraid to fail. Even though I would be new at this type of position and they'd know I wouldn't be perfect. I'd be afraid to let them down. Just because they knew me already, I'd feel like the expectations would be different.

I'd rather start fresh somewhere. Where hardly anyone knew me or my work ethic. Not that I'm a bad worker or anything. Still though, I just feel like it would be easier to start somewhere where I wasn't already known for that long. 

If any of that makes sense.

It's just the pressure that's been getting to me lately. That and my fear of not being able to find the right job and essentially "growing up".  Not to mention my "perfectionist" nature. There's just a lot going on with me. A lot of fears and anxiety for me to handle. Yet somehow, I'm trying to handle it.

I know everything will work out in the end. I still don't see how though but I have to trust that it will.

Still though, I wish I didn't have all this pressure to deal with. 

Therapy/Counseling Talk

My mind has been thinking a lot this week. Most of it is things I've already mentioned previously. Also a lot of what's been on my mind is preparing  myself for telling my therapist something on Wednesday.

Basically my mind hasn't stopped thinking about things. It's constantly thinking about them and never seems to really stop. Even at night sometimes.  There's just far too much going on with my thoughts right now. A lot of looping of my thoughts.

This post is mostly just me emptying my thoughts and isn't very interesting. It's rather random. But if you want to read, go for it.

So like I've already said,  in addition to mentally preparing myself for telling my therapist on Wednesday, I've just been doing a lot of thinking about therapy/counseling in general.

After my session last week, I went over to the Student Counseling and Testing Center to see if they would be willing to transfer my records over to the Psychology Clinic. I went to the center twice last year before they recommended me to the Psychology Clinic.  They had me sign a form authorizing them to release my records.  According to them, my last counselor there would most likely have the records over to the clinic by the beginning of this week. So probably tomorrow or Tuesday.  He is just that quick with getting that information together is what they said.

Which is great news I think. If my counselor is as quick as they said he is, my therapist ought to have access to that information prior to my next session. That will give my therapist some more information. Although I'm not sure how much more it'll actually help her. Most of the stuff I talked about over at the other center has already been brought up again in my sessions at the Clinic.

Still though, it might be helpful. It might let her know what has been tried before in terms of helping me; what has and hasn't worked.

I'm doing this because I'm trying to consolidate all my counseling records in one place for easier access later. If I decide to seek another therapist wherever I eventually end up, they'll most likely want this information, therefore if I can get all the information in as few locations as possible, it'll be easier for them to get that information.

I already have all my records from therapy and counseling while here at UNT consolidated at the Psychology Clinic or at least I will hopefully after this week.   After all, out of all my counseling, I've been at the Clinic the longest it would make sense to have all my information sent there.

However, I don't have my records from counseling while I was at Oklahoma State. I only went during the Fall 2009 semester. I tried calling last week  and finding out if I could have them send the records to me and then take them to the clinic myself but they won't let me have access. They can only release the records directly to another clinic or doctor if I give them written permission. In order to do that I'd have to go in and sign a form. Unfortunately, I'm no longer living in the area and therefore I'd be unable to do that.  I didn't tell them this either because I'm not sure how it would work anyways.

I thought about going to the Psychology Clinic and signing a form to have the records sent to them. In other words, given written consent for OSU counseling to release the records to them. However, I ultimately decided against it because of lack of time.

I'm in the process of moving right now. Well, trying to figure out where I'm going next and there's just not enough time for them to get that information before I leave. At least I don't think there is.
I only have 3 sessions left (2 after this week) and it's just not enough time I feel. I'm sure it would take just that long for OSU to get my records and send them to the Clinic. By the time the Clinic got the records, I would technically no longer be here. In other words, I'm not sure how much use it would be having me send the records over to them if I won't be going to sessions there  anymore.

The only thing it might do is give them more information for my file. I'm not even sure if my therapist right now would get that information in time before our sessions ended. If I'd thought about this earlier in the semester, I would have had more time. Now I'm not sure if it would be even worth the effort to try. I just recently thought about how much easier it would be if all my records were in one place.

The thing is though that I don't quite understand why the OSU Counseling Center won't release the records even to me. I mean, I would think I'd have access to that information. I was the one who went in there seeking counseling. I know what was discussed in my sessions and what was suggested by my counselor then.  I just think if it's me asking about my own records, I'd be able to access them! But no. They will only release information to another clinic or doctor with my written consent. I guess there's more to my records than I realized. Perhaps there are things that were written in my file that they don't want me to know about? I guess there's just things about my record that are too fragile to share even with me? Perhaps there's just certain information that even I'm not able to access or they have reasons they can't let me have access to my own records.

Yet at the same time I don't really understand it. When I asked the Counseling Center here about it, they didn't say I couldn't have access to my own records. Of course, I didn't specifically ask if I could get the information for myself. However, they did ask if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself or if I'd rather have them just send it over.  I just told them to send the information directly over to them. Still though, it  almost sounded like they'd let me have access to the information myself if I wanted it and gave written consent.  After all, why would they ask me if I wanted to take the information over to the Clinic myself if they didn't think I wouldn't look at it. Then again, they might have put it in a sealed envelope that if I opened it before the Clinic got it, would cause problems.

I guess I'm just curious why some places won't let me have access to my own mental health records. I mean, I think I'd want to know what it says. I mean, I discuss a lot in my sessions but what does it all say about me? What do my counselors and therapists summarize in their reports?What is even included in such records? I'd really like to know. I'm sure they have records of my sessions. Like the dates and such and how many sessions.  Do they also have summaries of each session? Like what was discussed and what was suggested? Is there diagnostic information of things? Like do my records say something about social anxiety issues or struggles with a bit of depression?  It's just something I'm curious about.

With only about 3 sessions left this semester, I'm starting to get really worried again and wondering if I'm going to need to continue with therapy wherever I end up. I mean, I think I will need to. I think I should continue. But at the same time, I'm wondering if I really should? I wonder if I should ask my therapist what she thinks. If I could stay with her for another semester, I would but that's not possible. I mean, I already feel a bit bad about the fact that I'll be leaving her after only working with her for a semester. I mean, I had my previous therapist for an entire school year. But her, I've only had this semester.  Still, I wonder if I should just come right out and ask her what she thinks. If she thinks I should continue wherever I end up. I'm sure she'd tell me to continue on. My question is for how much longer? How much longer do I even need therapy? Will I ever be able to go without therapy again?

I mean I'm almost afraid to go without therapy now. I feel like my life is better with therapy and I know that once I get settled into a new place and a new career, my life won't magically get better. I know I probably will have new fears as well as some old ones. New problems might develop or some of my old problems may come back. I almost feel as though I'm using therapy because I don't know how to function without it anymore. It's helping me a great deal and I'm really afraid to go without it now.

It's almost like I'm scared for things to go back to normal and like I've said many times previously, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be back to normal again; if I'll ever be "fixed" or right ever again. I wonder what "normal" is anymore. As it is, I often can't remember what it was even like before therapy.  Sometimes I wonder how I even survived so long without therapy.

My mind thinks a lot and can be extremely loud.